Leaderboard

Hi all, It's been awhile since I've been able to write - very busy at work, and outside of work (the outside part is all good, but tiring). In a prior post I wrote about an "exit strategy" from my current job, and that point has advanced substantially. Several weeks ago I had breakfast with my electrologist (her appointment after me had cancelled). I was telling her about my job issues and half-jokingly asked if she knew anyone who was hiring. She replied that I was asking the wrong question, and that what I needed to ask (myself) is what is my passion, and how can I make a career out of that? It took virtually no time at all to figure it out once I had that question in mind and I've decided to try to pursue an MSW (Masters of Social Work) and try to become a therapist. Long ago I had thought about pursuing that career, but never followed-through. Looking back now and realizing the impact of gender dysphoria, I think that it was impossible (or at least improbable) that I could have figured out what my passion was, much less follow-through on it, until I came out as transgender (which, BTW, was a year ago this month). Earlier this year I started volunteering with Identity House - a group that provides peer counseling, support groups, and therapy referrals for LGBTQ people in the NYC area. I've never done anything that has given me as much personal satisfaction as this! So at this point I've applied to 2 MSW programs, that might be about it, I had to choose based on some logistical constraints - but one of them is Rutgers University, which has a well-regarded MSW program. xoxo Chrissy

When to my best friend's today, we went to the mall for coffee and shopping. Didn't get to far, we are walking thru Macy's and she says, I want to get my upper lip done. So while standing there are sale's person asked if I wanted to have her do a make-up session. I thought, what the heck so I said yes. I told her that I am not much for makeup but would consider her doing it but was very interested in my eye area. As she is going through each step I am being told what she is doing and after doing one eye shows me compared to the undone eye. Since it was day time my eye's were done for day time. Next she did my face and contoured my eye brows. You really can't see the great job performed on me, it's not loud, instead it bends in nicely. How much did I spend EEK, $140 for makeup and better brushes. Next morning update: One attempt at doing my eye's, got it the first time!!! Also added a picture of the various products and note that the products are only for my eye's, five products with instructions on paper underneath. Did not include the brushes. One of the most important things is the "DONT STRAY" which is foundation. Yesterday the woman put eye makeup on her arm then another spot with foundation followed by eye makeup (top right) an sprayed both with water. One ran while the other did not. The mascara is to dye for. All the colors I purchased are perfect for my complexion.

A few glorious days of spring, then back to the 30's. Like look what you COULD have Bree, but I'm not going to let you. I'm going to make you be physically cold and stew while you're working through your latest emotional pissed offness. Yesterday we were talking about our sex life in the car, and Nikki told me flat out he had been sexually bored for years, and he loves now that we're doing all sorts of new things. And it didn't percolate right away. I didn't like hearing that, was minorly annoyed because I worked hard on trying to make our sex life good. Alone. Yes, alone. The responsibility for it has always been in my hands. I could barely even get him to tell me what he liked that we were doing. And then it was just a casual humor her "yeah, that feels okay". But then in a few hours, the thought really percolated and I got royally pissed off. All the years I'd been TRYING to get him to tell me what HIS fantasies were, what things HE wanted to try (most of the things he's loving know I was only peripherally aware of at best, not withholding), the trips to the creepy adult store that he got weird and didn't look at anything at all after telling me a few times he wanted to go, and trying to get HIM ACTIVE in the whole sex life and telling him that <b>I</b> was bored with it because it was always on my shoulders and I had run out of new things to want to try after 10 years... and now he's admitting he was bored and didn't bother telling me and that's one part of why he was checked out for the last several years in that area of our marriage.... Just wow. So have calmed down, and he was graceful when he realized the anger had finally set in. He knew that was coming, and strait up told me he deserved it, keeping so many secrets that affect us both so deeply. I think if he'd just shrugged it off and not admitted fault or put it on my inability to come up with enough sex ideas for 17 years by myself I would have lost it. I swear the secrets in all of this have been the worst part, the most destructive parts. I am having trouble with the dichotomy of knowing how much he loves me(I think), and my innate questioning of how someone who love me can hide that much from me that affects me so directly and deeply. It's not an anger issue, it's really a questioning issue. Did he really love me then, vs. now that he's all in? Is he only falling in love with me now? And that's why he's opening up? What WAS the last 17 years? He asked me how I would have handled it if he'd told me honestly when I asked after the first few weeks of dating. I'd cleaned his room (I was scared the mountain of boxes was going to fall on me in the night, it wasn't a little sloppy, it was scary) and found one of those DIY catalogs with all the creams and pills that promise you boobs. He claimed it was junk mail that he sorta thought of as a fetish, and I accepted it. I have NO idea how I would have belt about it then. I can't answer what my thoughts would have been. I was just out of yet another failed relationship with a girl, and a guy just before her, and at that time hadn't yet realized how much I had been forcing my minor attraction to women to be the full blown deal so I could hide from men as needed, so I probably would have been okay with figuring it out. I hope I would have had the sense to wait to marry until he'd figured out who he was and who he wanted to be though. But looking back on the last 17 years, particularly the last five, I will never be able to condone keeping secrets this big if you decide to marry someone. Be it your sexuality, gender, addiction, mental illness, personal baggage, whatever, marriage without disclosure is just wrong. It may be done with the best of intentions, but it's an abuse of trust. Can we fix that abuse? Yeah, slowly. But I have some hangups making it harder, I had trust issues to begin with and he swore so hard and did so much to prove that I could trust him, that I slowly overcame them, only to end up here at the wrong end of secrets and the fallout there of. So it's going to take time, and that's okay too. I want summer to come, so I can stop thinking about all of this for a while. I WANT a break from it, but my brain is like nope. We have nothing else to do, let's figure out our feelings. Stupid brain.

Today has just been... blah. I woke up mostly ok, but after Bree and I ended up getting entangled and went out for breakfast, the headache kicked in and I realized that the little fog that had been sitting in the back of my head was congestion and Bree wasn't going to be getting much out of me. So the blah day has been filled with a Daredevil season 2 binge along with some errands. It has been a quiet meh I'm sick kind of day. Bree and I have otherwise been working on things in our relationship. A lot of the issues were my fault in a lot of this, some of it stemming from me hiding some of my feelings about my need to crossdress and my gender confusion, and some of that tied to but not really tied to that. It was complicated. We're making it a lot less complicated now. and that's a good thing for both of us. I did find something near and dear to Bree last night and that made me feel pretty good about myself that I was able to make her the least bit happy in all of this. Writing these is hard but I'm practicing. That little book I've got to write thoughts in when I'm feeling something has been seeing some action, but even that's hard to do when I"m not feeling something. So next week it's definitely on with anti-depressents. There was a me in the videos we found that I haven't felt in a long damn time and while I've been getting glimpses here and there I miss that happier version of me.

"Neverland is home to lost boys like me, And lost boys like me are free" "Peter Pan, Tinkerbell, Wendy Darling, even Captain Hook--You are my perfect story book. Neverland, I love you so. You are now my home sweet home. Forever a Lost Boy, at last." Lost Boy by Ruth B Jeez, can this week drag on any longer? I keep checking my messages and the mail for a response from the insurance company, but no luck. I'm seriously one of the most impatient people on the planet earth. Justin's finger's all healed (for the most part) and we got his stitches out yesterday. ((Cant remember if I told you guys! He was washing a cup in the sink and the dummy put his hand in a glass that was too small for his hands and it broke, slicing open his pinkie. Four stitches and a week of bandage and braces)) He's so happy to have his hand mostly back XD the dope! We obviously got a cup scrubbie on a stick, like, ASAP. lol On a more sad note, one of our dogs is coming down sick My favorite Babe, Ziggy. He's a rather old dog to start with, but the fleas and sensitive skin on our dogs has been relentless and ridiculous. And since Justin's mom is very VERY careful about what we put on the animals in terms of flea treatment, we havent gotten rid of the fleas yet Mostly because she hasnt been interested in trying anything strong, which I can SORT of understand but jeez....poor animals. Anyway, Ziggy chews on his fur a lot and he has really long fur, so it was getting matted in his teeth. We hadnt really noticed because it was very subtle. We started noticing he had a really bad smell on his breath, so we gave him a bath, thinking the smell was just him chewing on himself. Nope, it was the fur stuck to his teeth. But now my poor baby has sore gums, and his mouth bleeds with almost everything he puts in his mouth (food, toys, himself >.<). He hasnt been feeling very well lately and it might just be an upset stomach, but I worry about him. He's not a young pup (Probably around 12-14yrs old, we're not 100% sure since he was a rescue). Hopefully he feels better soon. I couldnt bare to lose him right now I'll let you guys know ASAP when I get a response from the insurance company. A huge part of me is dreading that they'll say no again...I was super confident that they'd say yes at first, but now all I can think of is them saying no....Ugh, I hate this. Ren

Today is day one in the 2nd step of my journey , I have offically started HRT as of 11:39 am eastern time . and this woman could not be happier right now as this is a long awaited step i wanted a waited for so many years , in disbelief i keep check to see that i really do have a transdermal patch on . I am a bit shakey and flushed but with excitement , soon other stuff will follow but for now one day at a time as i drive along this path of fulfillment in becoming the woman i have always been , love and hugs

I watched I am Cait series 2 epsiode 1 last night, it's the first one that I've watched, it was shown on a TV channel called E, which I think is new to the UK. Anyway I had wanted to watch Caitlyn Jenner shows for quite a while but they were not shown in the UK until recently. The episode that I watched was some sort of road trip and seemed to centre around the grand canyon, she had a group of around 10 transgendered friends with her, but I just could not believe her attitude to hearing any political views other than her own. The debate seemed to spring up after one of the group read out news about transgendered people being stopped from using the correct toilets by republican politicians and religious people. Caitlyn seemed to think it was the correct thing to do !!!! She also slagged off democrat politicians too. Please keep her in the US, I really don't want her over here, even if she has placed trans issues in the public eye, not supporting going to the correct toilet is bad for all of us, and sends out a totally wrong message. US political party's seem to bear great similarities to ours, although admittedly not identical. In a similar fashion over here it's easy for those rich people (born with a silver spoon in their mouths or just good at ripping people off? - few have gotten rich by being hard working and fair at the same time) to vote for issues that benefit themselves, they've never been anything other than rich or lived on easy street's gravy train. It was our Labour party over here who gave UK LGBT people most all of our present rights, the conservative party have done very little for us other than same sex marriage in some churches where the vicar (or whatever equivalent devil dodger in some other branches of the church) isn't anti-everything other straight heterosexual partnerships. Anyway, I won't be watching Caitlyn Jenner again............... Cheers, Eve

Gender Equality is such an issue here in the USA. frown emoticon I hadnt realized how bad it was until I stopped and thought about it, especially knowing that I've been a victim to it first hand. For example: I worked FULL TIME as a chef doing over 46hrs a week at 10.50$ an hr when I was legally registered as FEMALE. After changing my gender to MALE, I also changed my job. I now work as security, part time, doing about 30ish hrs a week at 11.80$ an hr squint emoticon like, wtf? On top of that, I got the job as a chef WITH credentials. My Servesafe certification, past experience, AND Culinary Schooling. I were hired at a base of 10$ an hr. They changed my job titles 8 times to worse and worse parts of the kitchen because I didnt flirt with my boss, show off my chest like the other girls, or suck up to the boys. I stood up for myself, stood my ground, and demanded not to be treated "Like a girl" when it came to tasks. This obviously annoyed managment that I didnt simmer down and do what they wanted. Other people had been hired AFTER myself with NO experience, NO training, and I started to notice a pattern. PRETTY (flamboyant, flirtatious, make up wearing, prissy girls) girls got about 11.50$ an hr, men got 12.50-14.00$ an hr. A shy, reserved, transgender guy? 2-4$ less than anyone else >.>squint emoticon I am SOOOO GLAD I changed jobs and told them to shove it!!! It happened after I was being severely bullied by management and mocked and written up for doing things wrong when I hadnt. When I complained, I was told to stop pointing fingers because "The problem isnt the job or the people. The problem is YOU". Legit quote there from the head manager squint emoticon Now I work night shift, AWAY from most people, with an AMAZING work crew who knows I'm transgender and respects that! They use my correct name, use the correct pronouns, and correct themselves if they mess up accidentally. My boss is beyond amazing and is extremely patient with me (Because of my dyslexia, ADHD, Bipolar and other issues, it's hard for me to learn things quickly or to take verbal instructions. I ask the same questions repeatidly but she never faulters to answer me anyway, no matter how much I ask. If I mess up on something, she'll walk me through it herself to make sure I've got it and am doing it the right way. Instead of jumping up and going "no, you do it this way", she'll stop and give me an amused smile until I realize I messed something up, wait for me to figure it out and fix it, THEN says something) I couldnt possibly ask for a better place to work. I even mentioned to her that I'm trying to get my surgery approved and that I'll need 2 weeks off work, and she immediately agreed and said we'll find a way to make it work. There ARE jobs out there for people like me and my siblings. We just have to find them. Sadly that means shifting through the shit jobs to get to them As a side note, despite Justin and I agreeing that we do not want to have biological children of our own, I cant help but think we already have a child. A late night of breakdowns from stress and surgery hopes was soon soothed by my amazing fur baby Gabriel <3 He's always there when I need him. frown emoticon Ren

As some here will recognize this "nature vs. nurture" thing has bothered me at times. At my age it hardly matters. It's not as if knowing that is going to change anything for me. But I've always felt it would help me to know that I was born this way. Last week I wrote about it a bit in this post: Chicken or the Egg: Nature vs. Nurture As I often do I shared my post with my therapist; we talked about it last Thursday evening. I love the way that I'm able to share my posts with him, and to receive his support and encouragement. As we talked about the nature vs. nurture question I mentioned that for the last couple of weeks I've not been feeling those transgender visceral needs/wants/envies. When this has happened in the past it's been both a relief and a regret, and a wonder when or if they will return and if I can possibly recognize a trigger for those feelings. Maybe now, I speculated, that I feel a bit more in touch with what happened to me emotionally in early childhood I'll discover that my transgender nature emerged from my rather strained nurturing? Without hesitation he replied, "Ebb and flow sounds completely natural to me. Not like a habit at all. And maybe that also reflects that, as a woman, the need, thrill, or awareness of dressing becomes unimportant until, for some reason it arises as a need to 'get your girl on.'" We talked about it some more. He said that it also seems evidently nature-based because, after all, I kept returning to these feelings throughout my childhood and life. As a young child (3-4-5 years old) I could have reacted in many ways to feeling emotionally suppressed. I could have been defiant, or a bully, or... Instead, I envied, dreamed, and often considered, being a girl. And those feelings were consistent through elementary school, junior high, high school, and college. It wasn't simply a reaction, it was me, expressing herself! How cool is that? Hmmm, that feels good. Gee, do I feel an inkling of Pride? I can hear Star Trek's Mr. Spock, "Interesting emotion, Emma!"

How's it goin' people? I figured I'd update all you guys on what's been going on lately. So I had my appointment with Dr. Feins in Manchester NH for a surgery consultation for my top surgery. I felt like my head was gonna explode with having to wait for it to get here, then that morning I was dreading it the whole 2 hour ride. I did NOT want to take my shirt off and have him take pictures of my chest. Believe me, it was torment to wait and drive closer and closer, yet I didnt dare go home and chicken out. Thankfully this was just an update for last year's consultation so when I got there, he said he'd just use last years pictures since nothing's changed and he already knew about the 'underboob' rashes from the heat and trapped sweat from my balloons of hell. Which was extremely relieving lol I was prepared to strip down to my jeans and have them take pictures and then hate myself the rest of the day, so when he said 'you're fine, I'll just use our last photos', I wanted to give him a hug lol He seemed a lot more confident in my new insurance and said that they normally dont have any problems getting approved for surgeries with them. (Anthem Blue Cross Blue Shield). I really really wanna say 'okay, no worries, it'll be fine' but a HUGE part of me is seriously doubting all of it. I'm always afraid that I'm going to get denied and told no, and it's probably because I'd been denied so many times. I want to be optimistic but I really do not want to get my hopes up either. Anyway, we had the whole thing done in no time (Justin was with me this time and he likes Dr.Feins, he thinks he's cool) and we sat down in the next office to do insurance prep papers (which I didnt have to do last time). I'm really really hoping that this is going to work, but I dont dare test my luck on this either. Ugh, I hate this! Now I have to wait god-knows how many weeks for the to decide and let me know if I'm due for pathetic pouting or excited bawling. And anyone who knows me knows that I do not do patience very well. Really hoping -Ren Btw: Treadmill walking seems to be helpin out a little XD