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Hello all Got a weird question albeit normal question the other day. I was asked out of the blue by one of the officers at work, "Will you be capable of answering a question when the new station commander asks you about your dress code? And have you changed it at work?" The it is, my gender specifics and the dress code for male and female police members are slightly different at work. Answering this officer, I clearly stated that the workplace were informed and some of my medical certificates are on record at work, that's why I obtained a female bulletproof or why would I have gotten that and be placed in the female side of a barracks when going on a course. I said some part in my head, then vocalized that I was born intersexed and that make me capable of deciding if I'm female or male as I got both genders, what now... I got a weird look, and commented further that a friend whom is Maj General and the head of legal services in the police was approached and informed of my steps that I was going to take and for her to start looking at the laws of South Africa to safeguard herself, otherwise this will have repercussions and reach her office too. Suddenly he walked away, because now his rank isn't just inferior, but somewhere in the middle of myself and a friend. 2 days passed and I got asked if I saw the page on his table. It didn't bother me as it wasn't my desk. She read out loud a section he wrote about me. (See attachments) Come after me as much as you want, because this will only strengthen me as I grow and safeguard all others to follow. Meaning I do their fighting for them preemptively. I was far from done when it came to fighting for LGBTIQ&Others. Have about 20 odd years to go before it's time for me to go on retirement as it is frowned upon to work more then 30 years in the police here.​ Thinking that people still want to crucify people for being different to them is awful. If this is his point of view, ooooh I got some sins he has done. By his own account, and that doesn't scare me to take him on. I'm not livingin th stone ages, and he'll js have to get over it, or dron in his own sins and leave me alone. One more person to beat the crap out of. And in the endi am gong to g for gold, hit him wher it will hurt the most, his wallet. What that is the only way to make a bigot learn to stay on the right side of the law. Hope you all are havig a good time, and are safe. After all a pest like me never goes down without a fight.. Hus and kisses Michele

When to my best friend's today, we went to the mall for coffee and shopping. Didn't get to far, we are walking thru Macy's and she says, I want to get my upper lip done. So while standing there are sale's person asked if I wanted to have her do a make-up session. I thought, what the heck so I said yes. I told her that I am not much for makeup but would consider her doing it but was very interested in my eye area. As she is going through each step I am being told what she is doing and after doing one eye shows me compared to the undone eye. Since it was day time my eye's were done for day time. Next she did my face and contoured my eye brows. You really can't see the great job performed on me, it's not loud, instead it bends in nicely. How much did I spend EEK, $140 for makeup and better brushes. Next morning update: One attempt at doing my eye's, got it the first time!!! Also added a picture of the various products and note that the products are only for my eye's, five products with instructions on paper underneath. Did not include the brushes. One of the most important things is the "DONT STRAY" which is foundation. Yesterday the woman put eye makeup on her arm then another spot with foundation followed by eye makeup (top right) an sprayed both with water. One ran while the other did not. The mascara is to dye for. All the colors I purchased are perfect for my complexion.

Haven't felt like doing much of anything and really have been just going through the motions. My cat, the cat that Bree got when I was way down from my bout with cancer back in the early aughts, had her own bout with cancer and lost. Initially they thought it was lung cancer and gave us steroids to help her fight it, but it turns out that was just the secondary cancer. She stopped eating, started having seizures almost every hour and was falling apart. When we took her into the vet that's when they found the brain tumor just by looking in her left eye. The tumor hadn't been visible the last visit at all and it was pressing in on her brain causing the seizures, loss of appetite and all that. At fourteen years old and with no real options left I had to say goodbye to her. Our son was there, Bree was there, everyone that was close to her was there, but it was still hard as hell. I'm tearing up now writing about it and it's been a week. I imagine this is going to last a while. I miss my cat. I did start getting somewhere with my therapy. My therapist does like that I'm trying to keep a written journal which I write in when I'm feeling things and what thoughts are driving them since most of the time I feel numb and can't really feel anything at all except an overwhelming case of meh. Ultimately what she has tentatively diagnosed me with is Persistent Depressive Disorder, also known as Dysthymia. It's a possibly ongoing depression, not necessarily major, but it can cause most of what I've got going on in my head most of the time. She and I discussed my abuse as a child, we touched on my gender identity confusion, some of my emotional triggers and she did suggest that a combination of treatments would be good for me, so it looks like I'll be getting some medication to take some of the edge off while I try and work with her to figure out what I can do with or without the medication to deal with this, so I guess that's good. I don't necessarily feel good or bad about the diagnosis. I mean I figured I had something going on in there, only now it has a name. I have been a bit mean to Bree and it's not been fair. I did apologize for it and I've been trying to be more mindful of my mood and what's coming out of my mouth or going on the keyboard. She doesn't deserve any ire I might be feeling. I've had a few really down days which hasn't been helping and I'm weening myself off of caffeine bit by bit. I'm drinking almost none at home and although I've been bad a few days here with lunch and dinner, it's mostly been water or tea. I'm drinking more water at work and less coffee. There is still a bit of soda but not much there. I'm sure that's been a bit of the issue, but being down makes me a bit of a jerk to be around, especially when I can't seem to bring myself to do or want to do anything and that's on me, not Bree. Ugh. I did touch on my gender confusion with my therapist and we talked about why I've gone down the crossdressing route instead of pursuing transition and she did question if I'm doing it to please everyone else and not myself, and no, this is as much about what I need and want as everyone around me. While it was tempting to look at transitioning as this magic pill that would fix everything, that's not going to do it for me. The underlying problems I'm having that led to the depression will still be there and a whole host of new ones. I'd still have to deal with my childhood abuse, my procrastination, self-loathing, laziness and problems being social with people I want to be social with. That isn't going to just vanish with transitioning and right now I'm really doing the crossdressing to feel better and elevate my mood from being low or to raise it a bit so I feel happier, it's not so that I feel normal like I'd originally thought. I was doing it to feel and while I do feel more like my old self, I also get that when I settle in and have some fun at things I'm supposed to be having fun at. A few different road trips with Bree to our favorite restaurant and to the zoo and just being with her in general and engaging on the same level that we used to when we first started dating really opened my eyes to that. Working some of this out has helped, but right now I'm kind of still grieving even while I'm trying to feel better and it's just kind of putting me in this spot where I don't want to do much of anything. Being a bit more creative has helped a bit, but I have to prod myself into doing that. Once I'm in that head space I have a lot of fun with it until things go sideways and then I just kind of shut down. I'm definitely a work in progress at this point. I have a whole host of problems to work through, but I have a great wife and life with Bree who's been nothing but supportive through all of this. I have a diagnosis now and at the very least a hope that I can get to feeling more like I used to with a big ole smile on my face. Right now though, I'm still missing my cat.

Veronica, Thank you so much for your feedback, so sweet 👯💞 I don't think actual regret will be an issue, maybe just some moments of "what the f*** did I just do!?" But I know it will pass 😎 Xoxo Chrissy