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Dear Briannah and Emma, Strongly agree with the both of you. In fact, I will take it farther. Feel that no two marriages are the same. They are as unique as the two people involved! Your friend, Monica

Thank you for reading them! I was thinking about the whole sorry mess of marriage in relation to several recent conversations with a variety of friends looking for advice/comforting listener on a variety of topics, including the ever terrifying friend of mine attacking his wife and one of her children, and now he's stalking her after she left him. Man is that a mess, and I backed the hell away from him fast, he's not the person I thought he was obviously. Gyah. But it all stirred up a lot of thought on the whole thing. And how pervasive that 'you have to do it just like I do' really is. It seems like I don't know anyone who doesn't have to constantly defend the state of their marriage to others. Children, how many people are involved, what races are involved, religions, money, behaviors, etc. etc. Why are we on the culture as a whole so obsessed with external validation of our own situations by forcing others to mirror them or getting a cheap superiority thrill at their expense by labeling them lesser for those differences if they refuse to change to please society? Did we lose the ability to live and let live individually, or did we never really have it? I don't understand my world. I just live in it. I think you have a very realistic and empathetic view of what is going on in your house, unconditional acceptance of a person for who they are versus unconditional acceptance of her sense of self and her own feelings. And you're right, it doesn't really matter why. It could be as simple as her romantic/relationship maps just do not work at all for women, and if so that is immutable. Or it could be a series of complex life and social experiences that can be mutable, but only if she chooses it to be. And unless she makes that choice, you're right, the result and dealing with it maturely is what matters, and you are so elegant at that. And at understanding that sometime letting go IS acceptance. You're so far ahead of so many other people. When you talk about her your words ring with the knowledge between trying to make it work and accepting that you can't force it, and that is a joy to hear these days especially. If only my former friend could understand that. So I tell my son all of this, and let him make of it what he will, but when he hits my age, he won't be sitting here wondering why no one really talked about marriage as a whole. The ups and downs. I've been criticized before for talking openly with him about most things, 'children don't need to know their parents baggage', but I really disagree, and children SHOULD see thier parents baggage, and that their parents handle it, and are willing to talk about how they handle it, where it comes from, and prepare their children for doing the same instead of just 'good luck, we don't talk about those things'!