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All my get up and go has got up and gone... (borrowed from a mug I saw once) so true of me right now. Earlier I waved my kids off for 3 weeks holidays with their mum, and when they come back I have them for 3. It should be a chance to be productive and maybe even work in some Dee time but I just can't. I have been sat in my empty house all day watching Stranger Things and eating my body weight in hummous, tomatoes, olives and crackers because I finished all the sweet things in the house already. I am seeking something, anything to keep my brain occupied from the thought that I am losing my daughter. Her mum moves away and she chose to go with her, something that we have both already cried about, we will miss each other but still see one another during holidays and the odd weekend visit, but it really really hurts. I have been stressed for this last week, almost constant headaches, short fuse, tired all day but unable to sleep until after 2am. Oh and of course stress/comfort eating. None of this has anything to do with being trans other than the fact I look at myself in the mirror and see some hairy bald guy staring back and I ask myself just who it is I think I am kidding. I am paying out all this money to remove my facial hair and I just think to myself that I am being stupid. I do not look like a woman, I do not sound like a woman, how would I ever know if I think like a woman when I've never been one? I grew up a boy, thinking I was a boy, I was a fairly typical adolescent and thought I was a male adolescent, I grew into a man and got married and had children, yet somehow I have ended up here spending almost 10 months of my life almost constantly obsessing about my gender and for what? What does transitioning actually get me? What is the benefit? Because I honestly don't know. I am supposed to be finding myself but in reality I am more lost and confused then I have ever been. How can I be numb and in pain at the same time? 😭😭😭😭😭