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BA, We've all made mistakes in our lives. And while yours was especially egregious and wrong your apology to him is admirable, really. As you wrote you still have to live with the shame and guilt. Here's my confession: I have an acquaintance who's about 60yo, black, and a journeyman carpenter and jack of all trades. I've hired him on several occasions and he's paid well! We enjoyed working together, joking back and forth, that sort of thing. He's taught me a thing or two about construction as well as his life being black. As an example, he was almost hung when he was a young boy. Why? Because he walked on a wealthy white man's lawn. Anyway, as I said we joked about all sorts of things. A couple of times I joked that I kept people in my basement for unsaid reasons. He laughed, took no offense. About a year ago I apologized to his face. He assured me that he knew I was just making a joke and it was all okay. Still, about a week ago my "joke" continued to haunt me. I sent him this text msg : Hello _____, I’ve thought of you often, wondered how you’re doing, and hoping for the best. Maybe you won another lottery? (He did, actually, win a $1M lottery! But that's another story.) No, I’m not writing about a possible work project. The reason I’m writing is that I have been and am ashamed how I joked to you about keeping people in my basement. I didn’t have the impression that I’d upset you but nonetheless I wish to sincerely apologize. It’s true that I have no real understanding of what it is like to be black. It’s easy for me to think that I do, but how would I? I well remember your telling me about the man who threatened you when you were a boy, about walking on his lawn. Here we are now, a half century later, still witnessing such abhorrent inequality, disrespect, and violence against people of color. I just wanted you to know that I’m aware of how my words may have hurt. Honestly, I never ever intended them to. You and I were having fun and I joked in a way that I should not have. Be well, safe, and true, ______. Later that day he called me to reassure me that he's fine and while he didn't see any need to apologize he appreciated my note. We then got caught up we each others lives and signed off. As you said, BA, like you I continue to hold that experience in my memory and I've learned from it.

I don't think I am the one that needs to forgive anything. I am the one that needs to ask for forgiveness. I wouldn't be able to forgive him if the tables were turned. He has every right to hate me. If he wishes me anything other than ill will, I would be beyond shocked. I truly believe that I deserve the same beating, for the same reason, that I did to him. I'm not eagerly looking for it, and I wouldn't enjoy it. But you don't always enjoy what you get. And this is something he never for any reason whatsoever should have gotten. Say what you want, but I will never be able to stop hating myself for having done this. I was a stupid, cruel, hateful piece of trash. And part of it was because I refused to admit who and what I am. When I think about that night, not only do I start crying, but I want to throw up. I have thought many times, that if I thought I could take the pain, I would rip out my own eye in a small bit of penance. It's the least I could do. Maybe, having to live with the knowledge of what I did until the day I die, (whether that be tomorrow or 50 years from now) is my punishment.

I have found a site to volunteer with. It's as a chatroom monitor for LGBTQ teens. If I'm accepted, training should start soon. It still doesn't make up for what I've done, but at least it's doing something good instead of something harmful.

I agree with Monica...the man involved in the the encounter also has things he needs to work on. Understandably so, but now he must also grapple with the fact that you came to him, olive branch in hand. You took that first step - sort of like a substance abuser has to first admit they have a problem. You should now try to forgive yourself, and seriously consider Monica's suggestion that you volunteer with some sort of anti-hate group. You are on the path to healing this wound. Don't let the victim's inability to meet you in the middle, stop you. You can't make him accept your apology or forgive you. Besides healing yourself, all you can do is hope that one day he contacts you. If he doesn't, go on knowing you tried, and have since worked at doing the right thing. -Michael