Jen, that is a terrible thing to have to bear with you for the rest of your life! I'm crying as I write this. Both for you and the gay man involved. We can't change the way we were raised, and we can't change the past. After the fact, you did all you could do for this person, and that is a very brave thing to do. You are still beating yourself up over this, and that may be the penance you are paying. But I dearly love the idea that you have offered your time as monitor in the LGBT teens chat room. I hope it works out and you get to do it! It would be a good place to start, and once you are comfortable doing that, you might reach out farther to support others, and to prevent hate. But indeed, one step at a time. Keep up the good work, and keep the love in your heart strong. You know it's there, and it burns bright! Keep going on this route, and for the man downstairs you'll be a very tough nut to crack.