Daneela

Compare and contrast with Chaz Bono, Janet Mock. Seems to me that Chaz was also a celebrity but that focus on him was less and of shorter duration. Janet is known as an activist, qualifying as a spokesperson whose opinions and knowledge have helped keep the "conversation" on-topic. Laverne Cox is celebrated for her beauty and acting on OITNB. What happens when the program ends? Transwomen have shocked American, and possibly all western, cultures for many decades, from Christine Jorgensen to Chelsea Manning, igniting the "flames of hell" with each celebrity outing. I'm sure there were others before Ms. Jorgensen but am not familiar with that part of history. We'll progress more quickly when we no longer shock them. Crossing my fingers.

I won't be going into all the background here. You can find that in my previous entry, "Why I Told Mom" I'd been advised by my therapist that I should just wait for Mom to contact me. I'd followed that advice until this week. The day after Christmas, I called her to wish her happy holidays. That wasn't all we talked about. Near the end of the referenced entry, I described call the woman I thought was her best friend in the area. At the beginning of the new conversation, I asked Mom how she felt about that. She'd been shocked that I had told Judy at all. I told her I'd done it only because I'd been concerned that she would be behaving as I would, taking on all the guilt, no matter how undeserved, and beating herself up emotionally. I repeated that I'd called Judy for her, not for me. I next asked how she and Judy had gotten along. Mom said they've become even closer. I'm pleased. I think I did something right this time. After that, I explained why I'm estranged from my brother. It's because he is just another bully. Throughout our adult lives, at every opportunity I've given him, he's told me what I should do and how I should live. When we were facing eviction several years ago, my wife made me call him and ask for his help. He didn't agree. Instead, he went behind my back and made an arrangement with the apartment complex. Each month for 4 months, I had no way of believing that we wouldn't be evicted and the stress was incredible. They had also agreed that I was not to be told anything at all and the manager lived up to that. Eventually, I found a contract and was able to pay the rent myself. Unfortunately, that contract too ended too soon and we were unable to save for the future. Once again, my wife made me call my brother to ask for help. I also checked if he had been the rent fairy before and he admitted he had. This time, he agreed to lend me more money. Thankfully, I needed only one month's rent that time. Another contract, another job search, another time unable to pay the rent. Another call to him. One too many trips to that well, though. Instead of the help we needed, he was angry at me and yelled that he wanted his money back right then. He pulled a complete 180 degrees from telling me to "pay it forward" to "pay me back!" That was the last time I've spoken with him. I didn't give Mom all the details I've described here but I made it clear that I feel he is a bully and has been since high school, that I won't put up with that kind of treatment anymore. She told me that she was going to stay out of what happens between us. Apparently, she figured out that it could do no good. And I'm good with that. I'm still employed only on short-term contracts, there will come a day when I will need help again, but there will never come a day I will turn to either of them for financial help.

Source:

I can't see when I last posted or even what I said. I'm certain, though, it was quite some time ago. Many things were different than before and are different than now. I've probably said before that I'm an alcoholic, though not recovering. I used it to drug myself into rest for the night. For over a decade, I had no trouble arising and going to work when I had a job. Nor did I drink more while I was looking for a job. Things seemed stable. I'm sure I've described how stressful my last two jobs were - lodging and money, daily uncertainty that I would still have the job the next day. Each was far enough from home that I was alone in my hotel, which is what I prefer in those cases. Actually, my last two job searches haven't caused hardships. Maybe I've gotten better or maybe the market for my skillset has returned to the US. Anyway, I was offered this 9-month contract at a relatively low rate but in an application I hadn't learned yet but that was trying to replace the application I'd been programming with the last 15 years. Since the two programs are nothing alike on the other side of the screen, programming with the "new" app was difficult at first. I needed a few months of intense study before I understood enough to read through someone's else's customization from the past. When I did, I saw immediately that the style that was followed resulted in code that was extremely hard to read, even if you understood every line. IMO, it was unmaintainable and TG it was only a proof-of-concept and didn't have to be used any more. So, then I learned enough to copy what I needed out of the old code to write my new customization. I've developed a style over my 29 year career by adopting many of the practices I've learned from other professionally developed programs. I, of course, choose only the ones that produce the best results - correct, concise, well documented, maintainable code. Since the client I work most closely with is also a developer and knew the old code, my style was not what he and my employer had used before, and my designs were different that ones they'd seen in the past. Those changes made them uncomfortable, so at first, they added "fixes" using their old style. The mixture was really ugly. After 6-8 weeks of me writing, debugging, testing and documenting the first feature, they started looking more deeply and doing user-level tests. They found some bugs that I was able to fix in a matter of hours (not days or weeks ) and that fact impressed them as well. The low number of bugs improved their confidence, too. After they'd learned all of what I'd designed and written, they were happy to leave me alone, doing things my way because they were sure it would end up good. The client even said that he'd learned quite a lot from me already that he'd continue doing for the rest of his career. Although the client manager thinks he is preventing me from "stressing out," by not telling me his schedule, his milestones, his deadlines, I have no clue whether I need to change my plans to accomodate his needs. He receives changes from the users all the time and I have to be flexible, nothing new there. The uncertainty, though, did increase my stress. That added stress cause me to drink more heavily. I realized just Friday morning that I'd lost my grip on the addiction. It was now risking my work, my job, too often for me to ignore. Friday, I turned off the tap and haven't had anything since. I don't intend to start again, but relapse can happen. Care about me and send me your spare power, please. Thanks.

Del's appearance in the forums and others' posts regarding their treatment at the hands of some Christians and Christian institutions prompts this entry today. Originally, I was going to respond in a forum thread but then realized what I intend to share is much more than belongs there. Some may call this a confession, others a testimony, others still something else. It doesn't feel like any of those to me. I'm just sharing some things that have changed my life. I suppose I was a skeptic even in my youth. I was a fan of science fiction, a believer in the paranormal, a humanist perhaps. At the age of 12, my mother decided I would be baptized into the Church of the Brethren. I said I didn't want to do it, but my desires carried absolutely no weight, so there it was. I admire the CotB because they are recognized as a Pacifist church and its members can be Conscientious Objectors regarding military service. Being an offshoot of the Quakers, probably the best known "peace church" in America, those beliefs are simply part of the creed. When I was 17, I informed my mother that I would no longer attend church. Although I liked the pastor and his family as friends, I had developed this "thing" with organized religion. The keyword here is "organized." I'd seen that throughout history, every religion I'd studied had been corrupted in one way or another. The Catholic church was the power of the Middle Ages and early Renaissance. The Church of England was created for 1 man's own purposes. Martin Luther's Reformation turned into sectarianism, with each group being the "right" one and all others not. The Crusades, so many wars in Europe, the Inquisition, ..... I have lived all my life trying to be good, to be moral, to help others. Those deeds are enough for this life. The only sin I've been charged with has been not being saved, born again. Recently, during an outpatient alcohol rehab treatment, we broached the 12 steps. Here again, I have issues. Because even my mother could not love me, I couldn't expect an omnipotent deity to even give one tinker's damn about me. I was nothing. I had nothing the Judeo-Christian God needed. I could not accept and adopt the 12 steps' Higher Power. This is how I feel about that. Instead, my scientific training has enabled my acceptance of another. She is the creator, the nurturer. She created the multiverse, defined the physical laws, set it all in motion and let things run as they would. She is the multiverse, she is Nature, she is Life as we know it to be. She is definitely worthy of respect for all she provides. She asks nothing of me but has given me a peace of mind. An interesting phenomenom has become a recurrent event. I call it simply "the magic." You may call it coincidence but when it happens time and time again and I have not a whit of control, I feel the odds are against that explanation. Simple, random events, even with selective memory don't account for these, IMO. These small blessings are always welcome. I always thank her for them. I know from whence they come. This may sound very "New Age" and perhaps the New Age is catching up with me. I haven't sought to fit my beliefs into theirs. I just believe what I believe and my faith is enough for me. Seek your own, anywhere it may be found.

Cyrsti, I am pleased to hear you're helping to drag Ohio, kicking and screaming, into the 9th century and no, that's not a typo. I, too, am a transgendered veteran. In my case, I'm MtF and have known it since I was 7. I've been in the VA health care system for several years after a decades long delay in enrolling. The first two years, I established myself with my primary physician and my mental health social worker. I never expected the VA to treat me any more than that. Imagine my shock when my primary said, "Instead of seeking an outside Endocrinologist, why not try ours first?" So, I did. She referred me to Endo, set up an intake appointment and gave me the date and time. I attended the appointment, we interviewed for an hour and then the endo offered me HRT. I was so floored! A federal agency offering HRT to a MtF???? Wow. As it is, I'm on my second prescription fill of 90 days conjugated estrogen and my breasts are symptomatic. I haven't been prescribed a T-blocker, but apparently my original low level isn't enough to prevent some estrogen getting through. There's no more I could ask for and I'm feeling so good. So, don't give up on the VA yet. Also, there's a group, Transgendered American Veteran Association, or perhaps it's Transsexual American Veteran Association. They have a website, the dues are reasonable. Join so we can show how large our community is and increase our influence. In the meantime, thanks and HUGG.

Well, the Boston job fell apart. It turned out that my being hired was conditional and there was nothing I could do about it. The condition? The customer deciding to upgrade the system but that didn't happen. I was there every day, never knowing my status. Stressful, to say the very least. So, the firm gave me no notice, just told me the customer had chosen to not upgrade, took my badge and their laptop away from me and told me my contract was terminated. No warning. Now, I've returned to our home in South Carolina and registered for unemployment benefits. The SC government is not responsive at all. I'm searching for new positions, once a week or so I find one to apply for. Bad. Otherwise, I've gotten my estrogen scrip back and am having the symptoms we so badly desire. My breasts are quite tender and my nipples are sore. My appetite is different. I'm still wearing my hair below the collar though I've stopped coloring it. I've got my acrylic nails, my stretch jeans, my undies. So, I'm back. HUGG.

It seems to me that you're stressing out, putting to much pressure on yourself. We have to shelve bits of knowledge while we concentrate on our current life. Eventually, though, new information enters the system and sparks the memory of prior knowledge and when the two fit together, the AHA moment occurs. Take it easy for awhile. Experience, both personal and not, indicate we most often get the results we want when we stop trying to hard to get them.

I've just completed my first day at the new job. Believe me, the trip to get here was hellacious and not in a good sense. You see, I thought I had a firm commitment to a rental car. It turned out, when I stepped up to the counter to present my debit card, the agency refused to take it unless I showed them I was leaving town; they insisted on a return itinerary, of all things. Since I intend to stay and booked only a one-way flight, I was completely SOL, stuck at Boston-Logan airport with no agency willing to rent me a car. I tried hard to resolve the problem by searching the web with my Blackberry. Not a single agency had a policy that didn't prevent me from renting a car. In the end, I flagged a cab and asked to be taken to my hotel. The fare, you ask? $92 and change plus tip. Almost $100 down the drain. Saturday morning, I scoured the local yellow pages for a more local agency, called some, found 2 that would rent to me. Unfortunately, the cheaper of the two had no car available, so I had to get a cab to take me to the one where I'd have to pay twice as much for the same service. Oy!! Today, the manager started describing the environment, the people, the culture, the problems, the wish list, etc. I was introduced to my 2 junior programmers and we had a short meeting in the afternoon. They started going over the same stuff, but I explained I'd already gotten it from the boss. Next, I started telling them stories from my career, describing how hard it had been for me to learn to work with the product and some of the experiences I've had with customers. I went into the future as I envision it, saying to them that we were to be peers, not manager and subordinates. True, I had more responsibilities but that was because I had more experience. I said I was going to rely on them to learn what they had to know so that we could satisfy the customer and our company in the short term and learn and do even more than that to advance our careers permanently. It was incredible how they relaxed and then enthused. I hadn't known what kind of reception my policy and I would get. It feels good. Tomorrow, the customer's top dog is going to meet with me and perhaps some others and ask what I can do for him. He give me his wish list, his needs list, his goals, his ideas. He'll ask me if they can be done and when and for how much. I can't prepare real data, so I'll be doing all I can without selling my soul. Wish me luck, y'all. Thanks.