amie

I reached a point of total acceptance of myself before I started hormones, I also felt that I had found the woman buried within me and I just needed to know it was ok. What convinced me to go on with hormone therapy was the knowledge that as I got older that I would age as a man and it would get more difficult as time went on as I was starting to lose my hair. However after my surgery I realized how much the medical community does not know what will happen next. There are many questions that remain. Many risks with each medical intervention. Because I finally accept myself I am more afraid of any further surgery because now I actually want to live! The combination of Mental Therapy along with Hormone therapy was a good balance for me. But it also important to be open to the consequences and permanent nature of the results. Acceptance means so much and First Impressions are very significant. It is far more possible to be accepted where people do not know ones past gender than when forced to confront family and friends of the past. What is really interesting is that through my own changes I have gone back to my home town and stood right next to people I have known for years and they did not recognize me. There is much peace about being able to start over. I believe that hormone therapy makes life easier in public not just about subtle physical changes but about human scent as well, hormone therapy changed the subconscious odor that is present in human beings different between men and women. When I was off estrogen for 3 months I noticed a difference in how my spouse reacted toward me. When I went back on hormones she became more separate from me and less interested, there was very little physical changes it was more about the smell. Anyway just a little food for thought. Hormones or no hormones should not stop anyone from doing there best to be themselves. Amy

I am very happy to have completed transition and become accepted in my new identity. However with very little support from friends and family of the past. The stress of keeping up each day is starting to take its toll on me. I was hired full-time in a job in which everyone that surrounds me on a daily basis does not know of my past, Nor do they give me any inclination that they even think that I have ever been anything other than who I am now. Because I could not afford any type of hair removal I successfully chose plucking in order to get me by. I pleasantly report that the plucking succeeded in reducing my hair growth dramatically and the hairs come back thinner and lighter. However the only way to completely eliminate beard shadow would be electrolysis or laser. The shadow occurs from the pigment that is located at the base of the follicle. Even cis-gender women can have this problem, so I do not feel completely out of place.. I do spend at least 1/2 hour each day doing maintenance on my face to keep looking feminine and fresh, but there really isn't that much to pluck unless I skip a day. But since I first plucked, I have not shaved and this growth has slowed significantly. Since Hormones have also helped me, I do remember reading that over time Estrogen may cause the facial skin to thin out a bit, revealing more of the shadowed pigment underneath the skin. So how does this affect me??? I feel more self conscious about having a shadow because I do not and cannot have anyone talking about or guessing about my identity. However I have seen cis-gendered women with more shadow than me so half of these feelings may be in my head. Words cannot express what it is like to have to dress professionally 24/7. I went from never being able to dress up to having to follow a strict professional dress code which requires things like dresses, skirts, nylons and fine leather shoes. I have gotten used to this now, but I sincerely miss the days when I could just get up and be casual once in while. Well I am so tired I can't stay awake. I sleep in hotel rooms every night and end up keeping my makeup on through the night just in case someone were to pull the fire alarm forcing me to leave the comfort of my room. More to follow.......... Amie

Welcome Back Kate, I would just like to say that I have really missed you and am happy to hear from you again. Your blog is certainly genuine, I identify so closely with what you are saying I feel like I could be your twin. I have traditionally emerged as a leader in everything I have done in my life but I still ask a lot of questions and want people on my side. Lately I seem to have lost my ability to lead certain people because they have lost confidence in me because of my condition. It always hurts me when people judge me incorrectly, make assumptions and throw their viewpoint with no desire to actually have a conversation. My greatest challenge in life has been the relationship with my father. My mom died 5 years ago and she knew all about me. My dad is just learning about my condition and he is quite disappointed that I can't just think myself into being a man. It also bothers me when so many people can't even begin to understand what it going on in myself when it makes total sense to me. I am girl in a man's body it is as simple as that. I would like to encourage you Kate that since I have been on hormones, which is one month now, I really feel better all the way around. My anxieties have decreased dramatically and I have been less concerned about sexual feeling or my orientation. I am simply happy being myself and redifining my identity. My ability to think creatively has improved and as a musician myself, I actually perform better than ever other than getting tired quicker. Everything about my transition feels right on and my condition is improving under doctors care as a MtF woman. The doctor refered to me as a transwoman. It was a good feeling inside to see that my primary medical doctor treats me with respect and is working so hard at giving that support. I too, am concerned about my relationship with God but I believe that God has answered my recent prayer by helping me find the appropriate therapy to help me regain confidence in myself and inner healing. I don't understand why my family and friends can't be happy for me but I am learning to pick and choose who I want to hang out with and who are my real friends. Drop me a private message anytime!! Your Friend, Amie

On my last visit to the doctor I had my first experience of someone laughing at me in public as a transwoman. I am reasonably sure the laughing was about me but I chose not to look as I passed by the two young men. I felt like I was a little kid again, first day of school where someone made fun of what I was wearing. Following the laughter was some real faint whispering, when the men began to chat more about what they just saw. (what is ironic is that the two men whispering sounded like what you would expect from some little girls, not boys) I mentioned the experience to my doctor and she asked me how I handled it. I thought for a moment and came up with what I thought to be a pretty good plan of attack to this issue in my life. She liked my response and said that it would be good for me to write it down. I hope this thought process can also help someone else. For that one moment in time that someone may laugh or discriminate against you is it worth suffering a lifetime in the wrong body by not transitioning, just to avoid those little moments? After all, those little moments will pass again and again. Then you will be left with all of the rest of the time that you must live with yourself. So why not ignore the little moments and decide to be happy in the big moments of life; the moments that go on and on and have you in it. The moments when you really live life in your work, in relationships and personal time. Right now it seems like the little moments are big moments, but they are not. The real bad comments or looks are all passing moments usually from strangers. The little moments can turn into big bad moments if I let these things bother me and ponder them for hours or days. For every moment like that where I move on quickly, I become a stronger person. I learn that what matters most in my life is how I feel about myself (am I at peace with myself?)and my ability to live life to the fullest despite the challenges. I look forward to the day that I can look back and say I did it! I also look forward to each new day as I wish to try to enjoy the journey to womanhood to the best of my ability. As of now I am more like a little girl learning a new way of life and slightly different method of relating to people than I am used to and I should enjoy all of these moments as realistically as possible as I didn't exactly get to live them out earlier in my life. So in Summary... I am the one who lives with myself all of the time, my relationship with everyone else and the majority of my experiences with these people are only small moments in time. Which part in time do I want to enjoy the little moments that pass, or the big moments that can even give birth to smaller little moments that really matter? I choose life, my life, my way, my happiness. Amie

Tiffany, I am also anxious about hormones but I have realized that there is a lot we can do without them. If you can gain self-confidence to present yourself as you are then you will never be dependent on hormones in case for some reason you can't continue the therapy. Not only that, you can start going out as a woman right away. You might start out in an area where people don't know you. Believe in yourself and that there is more to you than your appearance. Just do your best to get out there more and when the hormones kick in your transition can be that much smoother. I wasn't sure I could do it either, but every week I have been gaining more self-confidence and I have finally accepted the fact that many people are not comfortable with how they look but they go out in public out of necessity and eventually they just get used to it. For me plucking out my beard hair gave me the kick start I needed. Amie

Tiff, You can obviously spend a lot of money through all of this for the rest of your life so we all need to get the crash course in being thrifty yet practical. I am amazed at how many outfits, shoes and fashion jewelry I was able to purchase at the local Good Will, Salvation Army, and Discount stores. What I have been doing is going through the mall first and getting an idea of what I like and what looks good, the mall also helps me see what is currently in fashion. Sometimes there are items on clearance in these stores which are lower than I could by anywhere. If you can manage to give yourself a special budget for something really special, allow yourself to buy one very nice professional outfit that you absolutely love and that really fits you perfectly, also this outfit needs to be within the budget you set for yourself. I feel so much more confident now that I have found items that really fit and really look good. In My two day shopping trip to madison I spent 200.00 dollars on clothes shoes and jewelry but I filled my wardrobe with clothes I absolutely love. With the combination of outfits that I can wear by mixing these clothes I must have about 40 items made up of tops, skirts, skorts, slacks, accessories, earrings, a few dresses, long skirt, tank tops, blouse, etc. Absolutely try everything on in the dressing room, it is extremely depressing to get home and realize that the clothes really don't fit right. You must learn to put back any clothes that don't fit no matter how much you like them and learn to see in the mirror as others will see you, because it helps to look professional as well as natural. If you are the Tiffany that lives in Madison, I was shopping at the stores off HWY 51 at the edge of Town. Glad your feeling better. Amie

Way to go crysti, In other words we are the only ones "down to earth". We are gifted human beings with incredible abilities to see the world from both sides. I have said to others in the past that I don't know why people fear us. In my opinion it seems the majority of us are completely harmless to society. I may be overly positive but so often I just wish we could all get along in this world as one big happy family. Facing the discrimination we face is quite a learning experience and it has helped me to appreciate all people in all their diversity. Amie

Be patient with yourself Tiffany, the most important thing I have learned about my own gender condition is that no matter how you look on the outside you must deal with what is also on the inside. As you take little steps to become more of the person that you really feel you are, try to enjoy the journey a little, because there are little things to celebrate along the way. As you feel better about yourself try to see what it is that makes you feel so special on any one day. Ultimately some of us will never be able to look as we may picture ourselves in our vision. But it is always good to have a goal and shoot high, hoping to fall somewhere in between. Always remember for every person that may not agree with us or make our life difficult there are others like myself who really understand and our here to offer you support through this time and beyond. Amie

I have been learning more about the colors that fit a particular person. I think you are discovering what really works for you and this is great. As far as the mirror, buy yourself a very good mirror and look to that mirror alone for your critique. There are a lot of cheap mirrors out there. A bad mirror can distort ones face in many ways and put flaws where none exist. One way to test a mirror is to put the end of a pencil or pen tip to the mirror. If the image is blurred at the tip or you see a double image or shadow then the mirror is not as good as it could be. The best mirrors, often used in astronomy are surface mirrors where the glass is actually behind the mirror for support only. A camera not only has a mirror which could be cheap, you are also dealing with a lens that is most likely bottom of the line. Good lenses are fairly expensive and excellent lenses cost a fortune. That is why you aren't liking your pictures as well. Lighting is absolutely crucial in picture taking and your best photos will be with balanced lighting with a little highlight to you face if you want. But don't use a flash. Flashes flatten the whole image and you are not able to see the dimension that you see when looking in the mirror. If you use flash at three points and not directly in front of your face then you would get more satisfactory results. But, in the absense of a professional flash unit, use the best digital camera you can find, Use the best lens you can afford, light your face evenly, stay away from the background to create depth and take more than one picture, compare and take some more until you see what you are looking for. I hope that helps. Amie

Your story brings to mind a very good communication skill. That is called listening. It seems you are well on your way to discovering this, but this is a good time to mention it. Most people do like to talk about themselves. Sometimes when we are approached a person really wants to share their story. They are polite in asking how we are, but often, deep down they want to talk about themselves. If you can get past the initial awkwardness of being approached and can get the other person talking, it could be a great way of getting to know more people on a deeper level. Most people will enjoy the company of someone who is a good listener and empathetic. When you have given them such undivided attention how can they not like you somewhat better than the other people who were too busy to listen. When I read your story I was thinking when you said you "knew where she was going with her question" it is good to be careful not to assume this. I have been surprised numerous times, when I thought someone was referring to one thing with me when they were just making conversation. There certainly is variance in how different people communicate. It's a good habit to clarify a question if you are unsure what the person asking. Not everyone is out to figure us out. This is just a little food for thought. It sounds like you were successful in diverting any question that you did not want to answer. Amie

Yes Cyrsti, I do hear you. I have built a career on the man that everyone thought I was. It seems foolish to throw away a life that has brought happiness to many people. I hope everyday that I will find a way to help the people who have known me for so many years come to allow themselves to know my feminine side. I cannot deny my past, but I am definately ready to live the rest of my life as someone that I really want to be. I am trying to refine my image and still be a positive influence in the lives of the people around me. i want so much for people to accept my new name but it seems that will be easiest by meeting new people and starting over. It is quite a conflict to be living. amie

I agree with your comments. The best advice I have received so far from someone was recently from my father he said "just be yourself". Isn't that what many people have said to each other over the years. If someone means the words "be yourself" than the world needs to realize what it takes sometimes to be "one's self" it may mean breaking the fashion rules, and so what? Go for it! My mother died five years ago and for me becoming more feminine each day helps me cope with her death in a very mysterious way. She was a wonderful mother and a well liked and classy woman, I so much feel the world still needs someone like her around. Amie

Thank you so much for that touching story. I used to be totally into being sexy, but I am really calming down and enjoying a more peace in my life as I have embraced a more casual blend and live outwardly as a woman daily. It is still fun to dress up, but living who I really am inside doesn't depend on the clothes, but I wish others could see me as I do. Amie

I have to comment on the people "we are hurting around us". I don't get this myself. What is the crime? I am going to start this question in a forum because it seems to be such a common thread in our coming out. Whether we are delusional, have a condition, or GID, doesnt change the fact that we are hurting. It is interesting to hear the excuses people make as to why we should suffer through our lives so everyone else can keep things as is. Amie

Kate, You are a wonderful person, if all of these people are interested in you, you must have the talent. I am also a musician and this has been 50 % of career my whole life. I found a niche where people really needed my services and I am in charge of my own business. 10 years ago when I left my full time job to explore my musical career, everyone thought I was stupid to leave such a good job. Now ten years later, there is no doubt that my life is better. In my case I am married with 5 children and that too was a concern when I left the secure employment. Right now, I don't have money or the time for all the feelings that are erupting in me but is there ever a good time for this? If you are patient with yourself and be aware of your surroundings I think you may be able to work in your needs with your career. I think there may be a connection with people like us and being musicians, artists, writers, etc. We really are a special breed of people that very few people ever get to know personally. They like the fruits of our work, but they may not be as thrilled to actually look at us. I have the confidence that you can get through this difficult time and that your life can be better not worse. I see from what many others have talked about in these forums is that you must find the solutions that will work for you and not just follow any advice. We are here to offer support when everyone else is pulling you down. The love around here is real. We know what it feels like to be out of place. The facts are there, you know the feelings don't go away and yet you really are a decent person on the inside who may even be better if you didn't have to face all the anxiety every day of your life. I am happy that you have shared your story with us. I personally have been touched by what you are going through and I feel very similar about the ups and downs of acceptance and rejection, doubt and fear. Don't give up your true self, just be patient and maybe a little more cautious of who you talk to. Above all please take a close look at what you have a passion for in life. I think the worse thing in the world would be to embrace Kate but lose your passion. Kate's passion are probably very similar if not the same as what you are doing right now. You are rightly concerned that others may not accept you, but this is a big world. There will always be some group no matter how small who may embrace your talent and want your services as Kate. I was thinking that if you could imagine how Kate would perform differently then what you are already doing is it remotely possible that you may have an additional market for her talents to add to current show? In reality I don't think having this problem as a performer is so unusual, I have noticed it in other performers for years. I hope this helps a bit, I wish you the best. Amie

Ok, I left you a real nice comment but it disappeared into space. So here is my short version. First Yes, I often have anxiety and lack of tears like you described. I think many other people do to, but they just keep so busy they don't allow themselves to really think in depth like you and I can. Sometimes I get the tears back when I least expect it and then I end up holding back because I'll be in a crowd or at an event and I get a little self-conscious. I love crying at movies because I figure no one is watching me. Think back to what has helped you cry in the past. Maybe it's music, or film or being around friends. You know as well as I do that those tears relieve a lot of stress. Just wanted you to know you are definitely not alone. I wish you the best, keep writing. You are very good at writing about how you feel and it is poetic as well as interesting. Amie

stephani, You have a beautiful way of expressing what you are feeling inside. The only way I have blocked out the feelings you are talking about is getting lost in something that I love to do, or getting lost in work. The anxiety you talk about is with me every moment of the day. Something that has helped me feel extra special inside especially lately is my personal relationship with God. This is not about religion but more about getting in touch with your soul and something deeper and more profound then life itself. It is believing that you were created and not accidental. I see that my creator loves me and that God understands more about me than myself. I turn all my pain and suffering and give it up to God. Even if you do not believe or are having one of those moments of doubt in your life, its the freedom of turning it all over to someone else. The feeling that you are no longer in control. The heavy weight is too much. Believe that someone can hear you; Someone you can't see, but someone who cares for you more than you could ever fully understand. For me, when the tears come they always seem unexpected, and sometimes it happens when I am in a crowded room. Some of the things that help me reach that wonderful point of tears are beautiful music, a well written love story, a very good romance film, and open sincere prayer with God. I can never force this moment it usually just happens, but I try to make quiet time for these moments just in case. The real interesting thing for me is to resolve that whenever I feel these tears I should not let anyone or anything get in the way of my emotional expression. To me the only thing worse than not being able to cry is shutting the tears off when they finally do start to come. I think many people have these feelings, most never take the time to ponder it, they just go on with their busy lives and don't take time to think about it. You have taken time to think and you have realized what I have. There must be more to life, right? Is it all just about being busy about a whole lot of trivial things, or is there more. Don't give up hope. Keep writing and keep in touch with this group. Even when things seem as bad as they are there is still hope. You have probably felt yourself turn around many times in your life, maybe its time to say. I am depressed today and that is ok. Try to do something you love to do and hope that tomorrow will be better. Finally, keep a phone list of your most important friends who lift you up occasionally, that never hurts. Though I personally want nothing to do with precription drugs or alcohol, there may be more to your condition that therapy or medication might help. If a Doctor does have a remedy for you use your intellect to research and seek out a second or third opinion. My mind is the last thing I want anybody, doctor or not, to mess with. I wish you the best. Amie

This Blog is to give support to those who have carried heavy guilt and shame their whole lives because many religions and cultures suggest we are disordered and an insult (abomination) to God. What follows "coming out" to a fundamentalist is the idea that God might work a miracle; that some how ones brain will magically become different and see things the way "normal" people do. In these next paragraphs I write for those of you who are troubled because you have lead good lives and worked hard to be the best you can be and yet because of this "one" thing we feel incomplete, secret and maybe even a little ashamed. The thoughts of wanting to right something that is wrong often dominates at least some portion of every day and at some times every moment of our life. Many of you have begun to realize that there is nothing to fix on the inside. Rather, by re-working the outside package we better reflect what is on the inside. But when we try to do this we are often faced with rejection or just the fear of rejection from a culture that does not understand. To me there is a similarity between "transition" and that of buying an old house or moving to a different apartment. Sometimes we redo our home by just re-painting rooms, and redecorating, other times we literally tear down walls. Some homes have so much work to do that we realize we will be taking each project according to priority a little bit at a time. Other times when time is limited and may go for a major reconstruction and rebuild from the ground up. Whatever the case our reason for doing all of this work is to make the home fit us and our personality. We want to be comfortable in a place where we sleep, work, and entertain at day after day after day. If you have finally reached the point where you understand that there is nothing wrong with who you are on the inside then you are well on your way to inner healing. Since most of us care what people think, we are constantly kept from reaching our full potential because of what a few people might say. When you reach a point in your life when you think you have heard it all, suddenly you recognize that if everyone left you today, it would just be you and God if you have that spiritual connection. If all you have is yourself, who are you then, what makes you happy. I have believed in God my whole life. I pray every day to God in my own way. All of my prayers have been answered over the years, I think because of what I ask for: usually wisdom, strength, learning the real meaning of the word love, help in making decisions in life, self-esteem issues, peace of mind, longing for tears, etc., getting answers to some really big questions that I know only God has the real answers to. I recently specifically asked God to help me find out who I really am. I asked God to help me with this identity crisis. I immediately started writing a diary which help me get the thoughts out and then God helped me by leading me to people who have had a similar experience as myself; through this website. Two weeks ago I thought I was alone. Now I know there are more like me. We are troubled, we fear, we worry, we are anxious, we are excited, and we are sometimes severely depressed. Together we help one another see how our similarities and our differences come together to represent a new complex being. We are different and yet the same. We are special and unique with gifts and talents yet to be discovered if we are allowed to be free. Earlier in my life I wondered about whether or not I should "Transition" to the gender I identified with. The thoughts never really left me and I continued to remain silent to the people in my life. Now years later I realize I have always been in transition. As to how far this transition will go, is yet an unknown, but I do know that however it turns out in the end, I will have the loving touch of God to comfort me. What has really been helpful for me spirtually was to separate the purely sexual behavior (and often explicit material that can be associated with this issue) from the more innocent spiritual side of things. I found that much of the secret feelings and unhealthy deceptiveness began to diminish when I finally accepted myself as simply different. I realized it was necessary for me to let the person inside me be a part of the real world. It is the many little risks in life that prove to be good or bad only when you have actually put them to the test. Before "coming out" to any difficult person, one needs to know in their heart what is right, between you and God. When you have resolved the person you are to yourself and feel accepted by your own moral self, you are no longer looking for opinions. Once the inner conflict is resolved and you know God accepts you. At that point, when you share yourself with the real world, you begin to find out who your real friends are. The research I have done into Gender Identity Disorder has helped me realize some facts about myself. I am a very sensitive person who tests and identifies completely with the female gender. Because I have a male body, people expect me to identify as a male. It is their expectations that caused me to take my feelings to the closet and repress this feminine self for many years. I became disconnected with myself, unhappy and even suicidal at various times of my life. As terrible as the roller coaster ride was I seemed to be able to pick myself up over and over again. Constantly trying so hard to be somebody that I was not. But the mind cannot handle this forever. Sure, the outside world thinks the problem is solved, because they don't have to see the brokenness, they don't have to look at, what for them may be weird and out of place. Instead you live in anxiety the rest of your life and your own rejection of self begins a process of degeneration to your whole body from the inside out. My transitioning started years ago as a baby from day one, when I stroked my favorite super soft baby blanket to when I played house with my friends, my first tap dance recital, when I first put on girls clothes, to when I got my first perm at a salon at 11 years old, to when I first shaved my legs. Every other year or so I became more and more comfortable with the little hints of feminine that I could accept in myself as being Ok for me. Eventually all of these little changes I was making in myself added up and I realized that I was still alive. I still had friends, and most people never said a thing or didn't even notice. Currently I am almost completely dressing the way I want. Until two years ago, I had much guilt and shame about my secret and I would purge everything once in a while thinking I was cured forever. Finally, this year, I was able to realize that I would not be cured. God did not make a mistake with me. I am different but no less human then anyone else. There were plenty of other things in my life where I could find my sins, but this GID was not one of them. We are living in a society that can finally give us the chance of a little added protection from abuse and discrimination. How we approach what is going on with us to others will have long term effects for generations to come. I have come out to my oldest child of 14 years and he accepts me brokenness and all. He doesn't completely understand yet but he knows that if he has something he wants to share with me in the future I will be there for him. Everyone on this site who has written posts is helping me realize what a process this is. One day at a time. Thank you everyone for sharing. I hope you will find a similar comfort in your life from the wonderful communications on this website. Amie

I am a Woman. A question was posted about God not answering prayer for this GID. I want to reply by saying: If you have finally accepted who you truly are, than that enlightment may be God's answer to your prayer. It takes all of the courage in the world to deny the world but praise God for what he created in you. I came out to my best friend of almost 20 years, He has rejected me. I knew it would happen and I can accept that. But I pity everything about him now, because of how closed he is to loving those who are different from him. It is not easy accepting changes in self and others but it is a necessary part in moving forward in life. My life started with very innocent feelings regarding my femine qualities, than at puberty the feelings were mixed with testosterone and the changes that come with it. As I discovered sexual feeling accidentally I did become addicted at a point to sexual excitement. This excitement was always surrounded by the rare opportunities that I had to act out the real me (in fem clothes of course) The only time I felt the most like a boy would have been in those early years when the testosterone was so high. But even with my boyhood and into manhood I could never shake the very true feelings buried deep inside. I went on to take on jobs, got married and had children, but this is how everything is unfolding now.. I am going to list all of the things that make me a woman and when taken together I think it will be obvious to anyone, what is really going on. -My mother had been on heavy doses of estrogen before she got pregnant with me. -My mother loved me so much, she always considered me a miracle baby -She would never have any more children because of the estrogen treatment -She contracted breast cancer at 55 and died from it at 58. -I almost died as an infant from complications. -I was deeply loved and probobly spoiled by my parents -My parents raised me in the catholic church and were devout moral people. -My parents were excellent parents. -My parents gave me many opportunities to explore life -My parents had an intense fear of rejection from the outside world -My parents had great trouble accepting abnormal things because my parents were very simple people. -I have always been a complex person and I gave my parents as much frustration as I did enjoyment because of my intensity and analytical methods. - My father was a provider but a perfectionist - My mother was everything to me and a collector of things - I looked up to my father and always found him to be handsome. - I looked up to my mother and felt she was the most beautiful woman in the world. So now here is the list of what makes Me a woman Since Birth -I have always been attracted to good looking men like my father -I have never acted on these feelings and don't intend to currently -I have always been intensely attracted to women but wished so to be like them: not in as much in a sexual way but more of a deep friendship expressed by holding hands, kissing and hugging. Later in Puberty I made the sexual connection but it was not as important as the other things in life. -As a little child I did not know about sex and I am happy for that, it kept me innocent a little longer -I always loved color, give me all the color in the world. The rainbow was one of my most favorite pictures to draw. -I have always loved the softest things on my skin. Silk, Rayon, Cotton. I wore holes in my blanket out by petting it so much. -I loved playing with toys, but my favorite toys were the girs toys especially barbie, the make believe kitchen set, games involving fantasy, dollhouses, dolls, I loved all of it. The sad thing is that I never told mom. I was scared. I learned to accept the boys section and enjoyed what I could from it. I rarely ever bought toy guns and my very favorite toy of all was Legos. I loved to create my own world. And I loved pretending I was a real live girl. -I always looked in the girls and womens sections for everything in store catalogs. -Every day of my life I have gone to bed wishing I would wake-up a physical woman. -I have lived the life of a man and that's what people see. But I really don't understand men because I am not one. -I desperately wanted to be in dance recitals. I gave up because I could not wear the clothing that was correct for my gender identity. -I loved hanging around the girls. -90% of my friends were girls. -I wanted to be with girls since birth it was not forced on me -I did not really even like hanging around boys until puberty -The boyfriends I had were a lot like me Brian, Bob, Andy, EH, Andy G -I have always fit in perfectly around woman -Deep tendency for gossip -temptations of envie and revenge -Attractions to material things, trinkets, collectibles etc. -Love for Nostalgia -Romantic -Always wanting to be the girl that could fit the glass shoe -I am deeply offended by pornography -I always want to be the woman when I did see Pornography -I am a deep spiritual thinker -I am sensitive -I am emotional -I am motherly (though this has definately been repressed) -I am empathetic -I love shopping and all that goes along with it -I love beautful clothing -I always go to a salon to cut my hair and this is what I want -I love the ballet and other dance recitals -I love the theatre and acting -I always wished to be a ballet dancer. -I wished that I could have been in a wedding dress at my wedding -I identify with both Jesus and Mary, but have always freely prayed out to God directly. -I have never had sex with anyone other than my wife -I was a virgin until I was 24 years old -I hated asking girls on dates, I was always too shy -I have always felt embarassed to have to sometimes be in public without a tshirt on. -I always sit down to go to the bathroom -I hate going into the mens bathroom -I use a stall whenever possible -I am extremely nervous in the mens bathroom -I do not trust men -I fear what men often do to women -I express myself naturally in feminine ways -When I get out of the shower and look in the mirror, I hide my penis to see things how it should be -I am very creative -I am extremely musical -I love everything about the Arts. -Cleaning the house and chores are very natural for me -I love to cook but have been repressed in that area for years. -I have no desire for hunting, and hate even kiling flies -squiggly squirmy animals make me jump out of my seat -I would scream a lot if my vocal chords aloud it. -I loved reading Gone with the wind and Identified totally with Scarlet Ohara -If I got into reading love novels I would never put them down -My greatest turn on is that which is poetic and in words -A well written greeting card will easily make me cry. -I cry easily in movies -I cry often for no reason -I enjoy romantic movies, but I always Identify with the girl -Being a girl is natural for me it takes very little effort. -I am not embarassed being dressed as a girl, I just fear what other people think of me. -Styled hair, make-up and colorful clothes, always make me feel better and prettier -I like to be pretty -I like to serve others -I can't stand just giving people directions I have to get involved -I always wanted to be a housewife -I desperately wanted to actually give birth someday. -I am never comfortable in mens groups made up of real men. -I am uncomfortable around most gay men unless they exhibit soft female traits. -I absolutely love hugs and could never get enough -I have a heart extra heart beat that only corrects itself when my wife holds my hands or connects with me in some other way. - I loved to be touched and stroked. I have very sensitive skin -I love to have all areas of my body touched gently -I experience very intense and sometimes prolonged orgasms -I feel love for many people and compassion even for those who do not like me. -My greatest prejudice is against those people who are so disgusted of me. -I absolutely love baths -Shaving my legs and body hair is very natural for me -I hate the hair on my body -I have some breast development and I welcome it. -I am fond of my legs, eyes, mouth ears, and my nose is a little big but still lovable -I have always been uncomfortable with my penis and my greatest dream is to have it turn into a vagina. -The penis is in the way of a lot of natural interest that I have. Ballet, Gymnastics, Ice Dancing, Swimming, Bicycling, and Horse back riding. - I want to experience more in life before I get to old. -I love my children deeply in a very motherly way. -I have not rejected being a male, I have never been one. -Transition to a Female seems like a natural thing to do the science wasn't there years ago. it was only a dream. -Every day I have dreamed about having my mind and body match -I am not sick -You cannot change my mind without killing me (then my feminine soul will move on) -If you want to pray for a miracle, pray that I wake up in a female body. -I am willing to die before I would ever deny my true self again. What normal balanced man would have the above feelings. I would like to know how a real man would describe his life experience... I was considering one final possibility in this conflict of mine. If society accepted people like us as simply different, my internal struggles would not be as significant. The only difference between myself and a XX woman is the outside package. As of now I am a beautiful woman on the inside of a male package. If society uses what is between the legs for its segregating than the only real solution for me is surgery. I have no problem with it accept that it would be a shame to loose the sexual feeling down there if things go wrong. However, I have enjoyed a lot of sex in the past and to me I would rather spend 90% of the rest of my days enjoying being a complete woman rather than 90% of my time wishing I could be. I desperately want room down there as well. Rid myself of the discomfort forever. As for family and friends. If they do not accept me, then they unfortunately are the ones with the problem. There is nothing else I can say. I have been spending so much time trying to fit in as a male that it has caused my body to finally give up. My mind seems to be producing its own estrogen, telling me that it is finally time to let go of the pain and start to live out the person I really am. As I say goodbye to the outer shell of who I was. I will still be the same on the inside. However I will be having new experiences on the outside that will allow me to experience more friendship with the ones I love. I long to be with other women, they are my source of love and companionship, being in the wrong body inhibits my abilities to make this connection with them. As for men, I really never made many friends with them anyway. I'll keep the ones I can connect with and forget the ones that don't care about me, just the way it happens in real life. As for my wife. I will never stop loving her. If she still sees the person she needs to see on the outside regardless of my physical changes, I see no reason to break ties with that commitment. I love her very very much. I have shared many words today but they are straight from the heart. I must let go of the pain and give it all up to God, for he loves me as a I am, my spirit, the Woman in Me. Amie

Today was my big day at the hairdressor. For 30 years I have been going to salons, but I never really got the style I wanted. Whenever I went in I always had the same perm. If I ever had a chance to look at the picture books they would always hand me the guys haircuts. Though I didn't want to be teased in those years I really wanted the hairdressor to style my hair with a feminine touch. But I never was able to get the words out. A long time has past and I realized I can no longer go on holding back with the person who has the most potential to help me feel better about myself. When I called for the appointment I first mentioned that I was going to be sharing something confidential with her when I came in. I asked for an appointment when it wasn't so busy. I managed to tell her that I would be wanting a woman's style and that I was comfortable with that. She said she would have some choices ready for me when I came in. Appointment day came (today). I got there early so that I could be relaxed. There were two older ladies over 70 and they immediately smiled when I came in. I figured half the smile was for my new earings. One of them asked me, "so are you the hairdressor?", I calmly said No, just here for a haircut. Then the owner came around the corner and did the usual. She saw the girls cuts I was looking at and she said, "too long for you and handed me the guys book again". This time however I was prepared because knew I had talked about this earlier with my hairdressor. I was polite, but immediately placed the guys book down when she went back behind the counter and picked up another girls book. This time I saw a few pages were marked with light blue paper. I looked at the styles and said, "this looks pretty good I wonder if these marked pages were for me". A few moments later my hairdressor called me up and I brought the book with. I showed her the cuts I liked and she agreed with me and told me she had marked the pages. I mentioned that before we selected something she needed to see one more set of pictures. From an office file folder I presented her with the Close-up head shots that I had recently posted on this site in my photo gallery. This was the ultimate adventure for me because I had no idea how things were going to go. I said, are you familiar with transgender? She said yes, and she immediately pointed to my favorite picture of the group. She started talking about the picture in the third person. I stopped her and said, you know that's me right? and she nodded her head. I asked if she was ok with all of this and she said yes. The next 5 minutes or so she began to explain my options and talk to me like she would have to any other woman in the shop. We settled on a style that gives me a lot more options than ever before and then got to work on my hair. I enjoyed every minute of this experience I really started to feel more like Amie as the haircut and perm shaped my hair into something special. We talked about a lot of the usual, because other people were in the room, but sometimes I mentioned things that I knew just she would understand. It was like little code words here and there that let her know I was willing to share. Almost at the end of the perm with lots of big rollers in my hair the older customer was beginning to leave, she stopped and said "when can I see how he turns out". Both hairdressors said we know he's young and handsome but he's married with children. For a moment I thought she was spoiling all of the fun but then I laughed when she asked me how she thought my family was going to take the perm. I said, "no problem, I have been doing this for years". You see the big difference was the type of cut and the extra pampering that I got with this style. I begged the client to go without seeing me because I said I'm sure we have more than a few minutes left here. She smiled and wished me a good weekend and then my hairdressor got back to work on the masterpiece. When she was finished she took a little extra time to show me the different ways I could show off my new style. I felt so good inside. Another one of those big weights was lifted from me. I also had one of the nicest conversations with the hairdressor and strengtened my relationship with the salon owner. Both Hairdressors new I was more nervous today and really helped me feel at home. Before I left, they assured me that I should not be too worried about other people because I carry myself well. They said they like my personality and that looking different on the outside didn't matter to them. It was at that moment that I realized that they let me into their circle. I was accepted as one of them. A real woman. We entered into that sacred circle of trust and I felt a real sense of finally belonging. If I never made that phone call ahead of time and took a chance with showing Amie's picture I would have had the same old haircut and would have missed all that fun. My good experience had a lot to do with the salon I picked. This was a small salon. I was told that sometimes its harder to maintain a sense of privacy at the bigger salons. If you are someone trying to hold on to your current job before getting something different as the new you, it makes sense to do just a little careful questioning and research before jumping in. Earlier this morning at work an older woman friend of mine noticed my earings. She point to her ears and said to me "I like the new addition". She also made me feel so good inside. I said no one had commented about them yet and she said they looked nice. Today was a good day, considering the way the week started, I have confidence that I can do this now, I just need to start using my women's intuition. Finally, I realized that with all the people that may reject me, when you find someone who really cares it makes it all worth while. While the hair dressor and I were talking between perm applications, I came up with a statement she liked so much she wrote it down on a note for herself. It reads: "Sometimes when you overthink things, you can miss opportunities". This was one of those days. I took a chance and gained two new friends today. Just one day at a time. I hope you enjoyed reading about my experience I hope to share more stories as they unfold.