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KarenPayne

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  1. KarenPayne

    At the movies

    By KarenPayne,

    I went to see Lone Survivor at one of the local movie theaters this afternoon dressed appropriate for the weather in a black skirt, white top and ankle boots. While waiting in line at the ticket counter to retrieve my debt card from my handbag I noticed two American Express cards and no debt card. Up to that point I was fully composed but then waves of hot flashes started, where my debt card was, do not want to use my AMEX card. So I stepped out of line to search my handbag and the debt card is nowhere in sight yeek. While doing this out of the corner of my eye I notice a man staring at me, took a quick glance and he smiled at me. Got back in line and reluctantly used my American Express card. The cashier told me I had a free small popcorn today woohoo. I waited in line for about five minutes, got my popcorn then went and sat down. Not a minute later the man who was watching me sat down two seats from me which seemed odd as the theater had plenty of seats. So throughout the movie which was suppose to be enjoyable all I can think about is the man and my debt card, both put a dammer on watching the movie. Once the movie was over I raced home and low and behold my debt card was on my kitchen counter. If it was not the only place it could had been was at the nail salon I was at yesterday and would had gone back in need be.

    Any ways my reason for mentioning this is that I did not allow any of the bad things to cause a breakdown of my female persona, only the idea that my debt card was missing and the man reviewing me. If not for the movie, I may have been okay with the man watching me but not today. I truly believe he saw me as a female and was not seen as a male in female clothes <_<
  2. KarenPayne
    My life lessons started early on from confrontations on the streets of Philadelphia with no formal training. I looked into various forms of martial arts through the years and found that not one was all-inclusive for real confrontations. Another thing about sticking just simply martial arts in general is that they are classroom based, what I call a close environment as appose to an open environment where you are in street clothes, placed in real life situations. Closed environment training is usually by the numbers in the beginning then move to instinctive forms of the numbered techniques. With the numbered techniques, there might be a drill where two students practice a counter to an attack working through a series of attacks. The underlying issue is that many people will lose interest before moving into the instinctive level, which is when you “do” rather than “think” than “do” as in the OODA (Observe, Orient, Decide and Act). Many of these people believe at this point they have a good skill level because of the training but have never been in a violent encounter, which is the number one phobia, interpersonal human aggression. When asked what form of self-defense best I will reply as is stated above, none of them outside of may be Krav Maga. Krav Maga works with human instinct rather than doing something that is not natural. With that laid out, I have been teaching self-defense training professionally for the past 12 years. My classes are eight hours long where the main focus is empty hand tactics to stop an attack and get away or to stop without the use of weapons or to transition to a weapon. Referring to the Force Continuum escalation of force is empty hand to impact device to firearm. One of the universal weapons for personal protection is a device known as a Kubaton. The Kubaton (see link below) is legal to carry in most states but usually not permitted on airplanes or in courtrooms. To get around these restrictions many companies offer a tactical pen, which are both a pen and an impact device. Also flashlights such as Mini-Mag brand flashlight is great too.

    No matter what your decision is for self-defense your number one tool is your brain followed by how fast you can get out of Dodge. I am a highly trained person but will avoid confrontations to no end unless backed into a corner and physically defending me is the last option but if the need arises, I will “do” not “think” and “do.”

    I mention that I teach, in the trans and gay community I offer free eight hour long classes in my area but do charge for travel expenses when classes are outside a 50 mile radius of where I live.

    The image above is me (on the left) teaching in male mode back several years. The woman is practicing a technique to circumvent a 200LB male from him grabbing her. The end goal is to smash his head into her knee and scrap his hand on the concrete.

    References
    Kubaton http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kubotan

    Tactical pen example http://www.knifecent...KUdatarq=crtpen

    Recommended book: Verbal Judo: The Gentle Art of Persuasion http://www.amazon.co...86548668&sr=8-1

    Suggestion for home training: COUNTER-BLADE CONCEPTS (DVD) by Michael Janich http://www.staysafem...uct.php?proid=7
    Open/Close environment from; Sharpening the Warriors Edge (book) by Bruce Siddle
  3. KarenPayne
    For years, I dated a woman, which I felt a strong attraction too beginning in 2007, but never told her about my female identity. Well in 2009 I gave her a call (she lives 40 minutes from me and I needed to do it right now) thinking that there was roughly a 70 percent chance you would accept me and was scared for the remaining 30 percent.

    I came right to the point for my call and told her that I was transgender and made my mind up to have SRS in the coming years. I was happy to learn she was fine with my decision and joked about her thoughts of marrying me but now would not but if she did get married she wanted me to be part of her wedding. I went to her house that weekend and found that she had a conversation with her three children (ages 12, 14 and 21). When I arrived two of her children where there and told me that they supported me. Terri told me that her daughter although accepted me did not understand the reasons. Several weeks later her daughter sat down with me in their kitchen while Terri was making dinner and started off by saying she supported me but wanted to ask some questions. We chatted for about an hour on the topic of me transitioning. When finished she hugged me and went off to do her thing.

    As weeks went by Terri would do things like take me shopping, go out to dinner, visit her family her knew me as a man and now reintroduced me as Karen. I am so fortunate to have her full support and that she has agreed to go with me next year when I go for SRS. Recently she started dating a man and she told me one of the first things she told him was, if we click you need to know that my best friend is transgender and that is part of the package for accepting me (Terri).

    I know others are not so fortunate with coming out but you know what? This shows how are true friends and lovers.

    Any ways I see Terri several times a month, usually we will spend the day together doing girl stuff and sometimes she will critique me in things like mannerism i.e. last time she was chatting with me and her girlfriend and looked me straight in the eyes and said “you are such a girl” which I asked “what do you mean” and she told me that the way I was playing with my hair without thinking was a female thing.

    I remember when she first introduced me to her best female friend, never said I was male. We sat in her living room for about an hour and then her friend left. About 15 minutes alter Terri gets a text message from her friend asking Terri if I was male or female? I later found out that it was not that I did not pass but Terri had told her friend about Kevin (my male name) and that Karen seemed to have similar interest and traits that Kevin had. In the end she said to Terri, don’t tell Karen I asked in case I am wrong. I told Terri to tell her friend that I was Kevin. The next weekend the three of us spent time together chit-chatting girl talk and never did her friend let on that I was not female. I later discussed this with Terri and she said that her friend only sees me as female which put a huge smile on my face.
  4. KarenPayne

    Permanent cosmetics

    By KarenPayne,

    Many years ago, I made a fatal mistake of plucking my eyebrows and did a horrible job in that when still moving between male to female then back to male looked bad in male mode but looked good in female mode. November of last year I researched permanent cosmetics for my eyebrows. The research began with a fair amount of time looking at pictures of woman who had their eyebrows done followed by researching who to check out and discuss my needs.

    At the end of last October, I had a list of five people to consult with. The first one was so professional and a perfectionist I was sold and setup an appointment mid November.

    In the consult, I told her I wanted her to recommend a color and a shape that was female. When I arrived (dressed in female mode) she explained how things would go from her preparation to aftercare. She first numbed me up then did her measurements followed by beginning the process, which was painless, and I know about needles from tattoos to electrolysis. Throughout the process we had discussions on me and my transition along with her describing her recent vacation.

    Since there was no way for me to keep track of time, I had no real idea how long the entire process took until she was done. The entire process took just under three hours from start to finish. Part of the aftercare was not to analyze her work for at least 7- 10 days so I simply looked at them when applying AD ointment three times a day. Well I can truthfully say that those times I look at my eyebrows I was completely happy with the shape but could not get a good look at the color until a week later and was also happy with the color as I was with the shape.

    I frequent a person for electrolysis for maintenance who use to do permanent cosmetics until her eyes got bad. She told me (wearing her magnifying glasses) that the person who did my eyebrows did an outstanding job especially with matching up natural strokes found in natural eyebrows.

    Four weeks after the procedure I went back for touchups and also to have eyeliner done. As with my eye brows I deferred color and shape to her. I am happy with the eyeliner done but when going back for my four week checkup will be asking to thicken up on the upper eyelid (which she said I might want but better to go thin then thick).

    Okay, neither procedure was cheap, $400 for the eyebrows and $350 for eyeliners.

    What is critical now is I only need to apply mascara and lipstick in the morning which greatly reduces time to get ready in the morning. So I am overjoyed with these procedures and say it is money well spent. Lastly, I have gotten compliments i.e. there is something different about you but can't place my finger on it :-)

    2/13/2014
    Tomorrow I get my touchup done for my eyeliner and will be having the upper eyeliner done just a little wider. Can't say enough how I love the work that was done on me..
  5. KarenPayne
    I have was not always smart when going out in female mode in that I would wear clothing that the average female would not in a specific locale i.e. high heels and a short shirt when out for a stroll and would indeed draw attention to myself from all works of life in my younger days. From lots of reading on Internet forums it would appear I was not alone with these dressing habits. What turned me around was enlisting the service of a consultant that schooled me in how to dress and feel good about how I was dressed for whatever the occasion. For instance, when out shopping where I use to wear short shirts I swapped out for skinny jeans or a knee length skirt out for dinner and reserved short skirts for hot weather with flats rather than high heels.   I noticed that I felt more at ease when out in female mode, still got looks from people around me but not from the clothes I wore, instead the whole package. As I became more confident, I expanded where I would go. A good example, I get up early in the morning as my workday begins at 5 AM and would get up by (yes this surprises many) 3:30 AM. Well several years ago, I started taking walks around a rather large block and never had any issues with LEO (Law Enforcement) as they seemed to not patrol in this area at this time of the morning. In recent months that changed and was stopped by an officer who did not know I was not female until I told him as I presented my driver’s license and concealed handgun permit.  He explained to me why I was stopped, not many people are out at this time in the morning so I was out of place no matter my gender.   So from the start of my time with the officer I kept my hands in plain sight and for the most part kept direct eye contact with him and answered all question just enough to get by, not long and drawn out replies. I could tell he believed me and was not a bad experience at all. Several days later I was out walking again and he rolled up as I was walking down the street, he did not come to a complete stop at first , rolled down his windows and said “I see you do walk at the same time every morning” and also said he saw me the day before and was looking out for me. Next time he simply drove by.    Next time was a different officer who was parked in a company’s parking lot, this time it was a female officer and she just waved.   Now my reason for writing the above is that I know that many people like me might wonder how they might handle this type of situation but I am also guessing many will not take the first step because they are afraid of what an officer might do to them. If you present yourself dressed as, any other female would in a similar situation the officer will more likely see you as a normal person rather than someone out looking to get picked up for sex or casing the area to rob someone. I have met enough police officers in my years of teaching self-defense to know how they think and cannot emphasize enough that you need to be dressed correctly, have some confidence in your role you are dressed in. This is for many much harder to take that first step because minds will think “he/she can arrest me” or they will stop you close to home and neighbors will see this and you are not out to your neighbors. Why mention this? Because I was stopped once on my block and a neighbor came out to see what was going on. Did it bother me? Heck no but someone else might be devastated.   Now a days I look back at all of this and simply look at these experiences kind of like going to school. The consular was worth every penny I spend learning how to dress, walk and talk.   
  6. KarenPayne

    Give yourself a break

    By KarenPayne,

    Smiling and laughing can but not always brighten attitudes and well being. I was one for ignoring this for many years but have in the past few years learned to be a happier person both before and after GRS (Gender Reassignment Surgery) which I think can lead one away from being sad or depressed.

    I could not believe how much "The Other Woman" movie could make me cheerful and smile. Perhaps that is not your cup of tea, may be instead it's treating yourself to a lovely dinner with cheerful friends/family. One of the worst things we can do is sit around doing nothing, getting into a depressive state so find something to do that will make you happy.

    Me, I am heading out with several friends to hike for several hours :-)

    Take care of yourself~~~
  7. KarenPayne

    Current events

    By KarenPayne,

    Yesterday I am walking up to my work area, a woman stops me and ask if she didn’t mind me asking a personal question. Since I have only seen her (there are over 1,000 employees) and not worked with her I figured it’s one of the following stock questions, where did you purchase your shoes or something along the line of transitioning. My perspective was if it’s about my transition (which nobody has mentioned in over eight months) it’s fine as she seems like a good person.

    After saying yes to her question said I looked familiar but was unsure from where. Then she says, were you once male? I said yes. She then asked if she could hug me and I said yes and she did. Then she says I looked gorgeous which I thanked her for the compliment.  She did say if I had said I was always female her next question would had been, do you have a brother or other family member working here as she was not certain on if I was once male. We chit-chatted for a few minutes but the subject of transitioning has passed and onto weather and the little things in life.

    Next up, I have joined another transgender site, Susan’s Place several months ago and this week was asked to become part of their staff which I accepted. It’s not that Susan’s Place is better than this site (TGuide) but felt the need to move on from here, at least for a while. Just keep in mind that this site (TGuide) is like no other trans site on the web and you should be proud to be here. What I have seen during my time here is a tight nit family of likeminded people who support each other and my wish is for that to keep going.
    In closing, I hope everyone here is moving forward on their journey and enjoying life. I know not everyone can say they are progressing and for those my wish for those who are not find some peace in their daily life.

     

     
     


     
  8. KarenPayne

    Love this line

    By KarenPayne,

    I was on another site for trans and cross-dressers and read the following line.
    The problem is that you can only hold beach ball under water in the deep end of the pool for so long. It eventually will slip out of your hands and rise to the surface. It will probably also hit your chin and hurt you on its way.
    That is a great line when at least thinking of myself prior to surgery and I am betting many before and after surgery can relate to this. Think I was just about there for the chin shot but happily avoided it.
    If you have done research for many it's a sledge hammer early on before having much life experience which can lead to dark thoughts and physical pain while others will endure until no matter how much of an effort is put forth the ball comes up. 
     
     
  9. KarenPayne

    Phase II

    By KarenPayne,

    Thought I would disclose my current plans for me in regards to making changes I thought about first then acted on. There were no rushed decisions, all well planned out beforehand.
    Phase one was gender reassignment surgery and breast augmentation.
    Phase II current to end of February
    The Fraxel Experience: laser treatments not only improve the look of your skin, but it will improve the health of your skin and the strength of your skin by encouraging collagen turn over and proliferation. Your skin will become more like it was in your earlier years, and after about a month, it will feel better when touched. I had three sessions done as of yesterday. I don't see a huge difference but a handful of people (whom I did not tell them I had this done) said I looked younger or, there is something different about you. I will say that this is a painful procedure on the nose and upper lip but worth it since people do notice a difference. I plan on doing this once a year. Fillers for cheeks, this was done last week. Did not notice a difference until a week later and this gave me a huge smile. This needs to be done every three months. Botox for upper lip, done last week too. After the first week I am seeing changes everyday for the better. Voice lessons begin end of January, have four sessions set. Hypnosis to enforce what I learn with voice lesson. The practitioner said one session was enough after my consultation. I asked if having a session before and after would help, she said yes so my first session (two hours) is this Monday.  On the Frazel, botox and fillers I received great discounts. I used them two years ago for my permanent cosmetics for eyebrows and got a discount then too which they do in December. 
    Phase III (last one) is planned for March which is a brow lift. Same surgeon that did my breast.
    After breast augmentation I said no more surgeries but after a discussion with the surgeon who did a follow up on my breast three weeks ago indicated I could benefit from a brow lift yet admitted I was fine without one but would improve my female appearance.
    Admittedly I could easily not do any of the above in regards to phase 2 and 3 but I feel they will make me a tad better. I always stress when getting procedures done to not over do it, make me look natural, not fake. 
     
     
  10. KarenPayne
    In my elementary school days there was a bully who would tease me, "hey sissy" or "hey little girl" to no end. When one day a new boy came to class and while walking home the bully started on me and the new boy intervened by knocking the bully on his butt. I remained really good friends with the new kid until several years after high school then reconnected with him on Facebook several years ago.
    I started counting down the days to GRS but would only post on Facebook that I was heading to California for surgery. He asked (on Facebook) what I was going in for? I said (get this) nothing major and left it at that.
    I forget when but I changed my name and gender on Facebook say in February. Did not hear a peep from him in regards to direct communications. Yesterday he posted a video about a senior citizen shooting at a criminal and I responded.
    He then said, "How is Kevin doing?" I said he is decease then he asked when. So I told him Kevin died and Karen was born. He could not believe it and thought I may have hijacked Kevin's account so he asked me three questions that I should know from 40 years ago, answered them and he was then convinced.
    He said I should call sometime to caught up on things and I told him I will be there in the Spring.
    So while this is going on another friend of mine (and his) must had missed out on my transition because he went through my photos and "liked" one of them.
    Any ways I find it interesting that these two friends did not caught on and I even wrote a post on my gender change,
    In regards to the picture, this is how he sees me and is me at a local shooting range I believe back in 2007 doing my Clint type of look, bad ass. For the record there is a full size 1911 pistol on my hip and a revolver in my left front pocket in a pocket holster and a pistol on my right ankle. Okay, I hear your wheels churning in your heads so a little explanation is in order for newcomers. I did executive protection for 10 years, was on call for this, worked with local PD and taught self-defense for 13 years. Have been at both ends of the muzzle of a firearm and survived but can not say that for the bad guys. I tend not to discuss this too much as this is one thing I lost when I transitioned and hope someday to regain at least the teaching part.
     
    This was a hot day, had body armour under my shirt. 

     
  11. KarenPayne
    I am scheduled for breast augmentation on May 20, 2015. Had my pre-operation appointment today where they went over the highlights from my initial consultation several weeks ago along with what they want me to do the week of surgery and the weeks following surgery. After the appointment I handed over my prescriptions to the pharmacy so they are ready for me well in advance.
    Specifics, I was interested in a B cup but with their measuring system looks like I will have C cup. Guess I will need to get over not having a smaller size as I am leaving my fate to the surgeon as when I question him about the size he said that he has used this measuring system on thousands of people and only had two people saying they thought that the size was slightly too large.
    Eating prior to surgery, I told the surgeon that since surgery was at noon and that they did not want me to eat after midnight that beings I have a different schedule that most people could I have coffee first thing in the morning. He said if I asked the anesthesiologist would say no coffee but he said if it’s only black coffee he is fine and if they asked if I had anything to say no LOL.
    I have my best female friend coming to the hospital with me then staying with me for three days, maybe four. Since she does not drive her son is driving her down to my place and back as I will be in no shape to drive 40 minutes each way. I have another friend who lives close by will be bringing me lattes from my favorite coffee place, he is a firearms instructor who teaches with me.
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