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KarenPayne

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  1. KarenPayne

    Breast implants

    By KarenPayne,

    For the past week or so have been doing research on surgeons in my area for performing breast implants and finally found one but they are booked until May for consultations.

    Went to there office, made the appointment and took home several pages for them like anytime one sees a new doctor.

    I thought it was interesting but not surprised that surgeons and doctors have a list of people who had surgery recently as after giving the receptionist my name she pulled up my address and phone number.

    If all goes well hopefully I will have a surgery date before the end of this year which will complete my physical transformation.
  2. KarenPayne
    I started the process for my name and gender change the last week of last November which took five weeks. The gender part in short (I did write about this before) is allowed before surgery by a therapist on a special DMV list.

    In the month of January I did my social security card, all my credit cards, bank checks (did not arrive till after I returned from California) and PayPal account.

    Today the final card arrived, my insurance card. Wish I had this card before surgery simply because there were some additional fees billed to me by the hospital because they had no insurance listed and had to make several calls to get things right.

    I have two doctors, one for primary care, one to assist with HRT. Two dentist, one primary and one for deep cleaning, an optometrist also. All of these needed to be updated. Oh, my electrolysis and hair stylist. Those all were in person. Dang, one more, the electric company who wanted me to do the change at their office. The electric company closed out my current account and opened a new account. By closing the old account I got a check for $272.45 but gave that to my daughter.

    All in all it took just about three months to change all the documents. It could had taken longer but I was driven, when an opportunity presented itself I would take a day or half day off to do what needed to be done. Really despised weekends a lot as they slowed me down, so did two weeks in December for the holidays.

    If I had not been driven my guess is I would still be doing name changes.

    So I am 99% sure all remnants of my old make identity is gone. Soon as I hit the publish button another one will surface.


  3. KarenPayne

    Work asked me to...

    By KarenPayne,

    I am still on sick leave but went into work yesterday to try out my new username for signing into the local network. Talked to my boss, told him that I most likely would not be back next week as Marci's office has not given me a letter to return to work yet. He was fine with that.

    He then said, could you please write something up for your business partners whom do not know about your transition. I told him that I already did this. He then asked if I would write something up for our IT division, I replied, no problem if you would send the message out which he agreed too and did before leaving, asked him to review it, he said it would work. I did include a paragraph on the topic of me using the female restrooms in that I symphonize with those who might have issues or concerns and that I did get approval from human resources to use any restroom I felt comfortable with. I could actually still use the male restrooms but not going there and sticking to female restrooms only

    While there I talked to a few people that knew of my transition but had not talked with them yet and they treated me no different than before transitioning.

    One thing I am having troubles with is that some call me ma'am which to me feels old so my thing will be to ask them to simply call me Karen.

    There is one employee whom I have been working with for 20 years and saw him yesterday talking to other people, waved at him but he did not wave back and I thought he was not okay with my transition but about ten minutes later he came over, shook my hand and said "Hi Karen", when you have time I want to talk to you about a guitar I am buying and said yes.

    I spent about one hour talking with my team members (three of them) about things being worked on and that they ran into an interesting problem that they could not find a solution for then remembered I gave a code sample two months ago, from the code example they easily figured out how to remedy the issue at hand which made me feel good.

    Joked around a bit also which showed me they really have no problems with my transition.

    Looking forward to when I can get back to work.


  4. KarenPayne
    I have been working on a good method to work on dilation with the largest dilator which I was having not so great luck with. As mention before I need to dilate three times a day for 15 minutes. Small and medium dilator were fine but the larger one I only could manage a few times with then tried 15 minutes with the medium then gave up after five minutes with the larger size dilator.

    Last night I believe I have found a simple method to start with five minutes with the medium dilator then 15 minutes with the larger dilator. So I am going to work on this for today and tomorrow, if nothing changes I will post what I found to work.

    Also, I purchased a dildo that I could fit the entire six inches in where the width is about the normal width of an average penis. My conclusion is that to have penetration with a somewhat wider width penis it is indeed best to use the larger dilator so that entry is not painful. At this point in time I am confident to be penetrated by an average size penis but as we all know fate will be when I do try this I will end up with a larger size penis and will not be pleasant so persistence is needed to keep going with the larger dilator. I surely hope by next Saturday I am hope to use the larger dilator w/o first using the medium size one. Crossing my fingers.

    UPDATE:
    I am sure now that by placing the largest size dilator inside my vagina very slowly then for the first three to five minutes rotate the dilator side to side that the pain is reduced by 90 percent. If I do not rotate the pain is unbearable after five minutes. Without rotating I can force myself to go 15 minutes but that is really pushing it. Marci said I may have started the larger one prematurely but it's now under control. I did tell Marci what I did and she was fine with it.
  5. KarenPayne

    I can relate

    By KarenPayne,

    One of my friends on Facebook posted this quote

    “The question isn’t who’s going to let me; it’s who is going to stop me.”
    - Ayn Rand

    I think many feel that they must wait for permission or wish it will happen but the down right truth is you make it happen. Heck I will admit to falling into this mindset in regards to transitioning but for years was the one "who is going to stop me" when it came to teaching specialty classes in self-defense. So it is possible to be of both mindsets and I am sure there are others of similar mindset.

    Time to take action, don't consider failure as an option but move head first believing what you are after will happen by your hands and mind.


  6. KarenPayne

    Great day

    By KarenPayne,

    One of my old co-workers who retired several years ago wanted to hook up so I said how about lunch.

    We met at a great Mexican restaurant, ate and spent an hour talking. Then we went across the street to the local mall, hit Starbucks then walked around the mall for about five lapse talking about everything under the sun. Finally say down and chatted some more.

    She confided with me that she wanted to get together before this but felt like I might take it as her hooking up with me. Of course she is very aware that could not happen.

    It was great chatting with her and we agreed to get together and go shopping in two weeks. Gave each other hugs and went on our way.

    Earlier in the day I received a call from my workplace who indicated that my new security ID badge was ready. So I went into work, got the new badge, very exciting to see my picture and Karen Payne below it, think I stared at it forever.

    On the way out asked a question and was directed to another employee who when done talking commended me on my transition and that her son just "came out" to her and that she accepted him for whom whatever he was. We had a discussion that included my analogy of "frog in the water" and several other recommendations. Have to say that was a very good chat.

    So now it's that time to dilate, later :-)
  7. KarenPayne
    I have been research who to select for doing my breast augmentation in the latter part of this year. I would really like to do this here in Oregon but not sure who to trust as I have heard some not so pleasant stories. For instance one of the woman who cuts my hair told me her left breast was royally messed up and been battling with the surgeon for months now. I am not taking this lightly by any means. Very shortly hope to have my new countdown and be done with this before the end of this year.
  8. KarenPayne

    Dilation helper

    By KarenPayne,

    One of the worst things about dilation is setting up. Currently I place two pillows in front of a chair, in front of this a pad design to ease the pain of sitting down then two pillows in front of that which I fold in half and place under my calves to position properly. Get out the KY and butter knife plus the dilator. Lastly turn on the timer on my cell phone. Do the dilation, clean up.

    Takes about 5-10 minutes to setup, 15 minutes to dilate then another five minutes to clean up.

    All this is when nothing goes wrong.

    So I just purchased but have not received yet a ramp/wedge designed for making love that in the picture looks perfect for setting me up for dilation.

    http://www.adameve.com/sexy-extras/sex-furniture-and-props/sp-liberator-ramp-wedge-combo-7401.aspx

    My guess is setup will be down to say no more than five minutes, positioning is the same everytime and believe more comfortable as the current setup sometimes takes a toll on my back and at times makes dilation simply unpleasant.

    My main thought is, after GRS you must dilate the rest of your life. If we just move forward to after 12 months it's once a day. For me I much rather keep things simple so the price of the ramp/wedge will pay for itself down the road.

    Should have it next week and will report back then.
  9. KarenPayne
    I get half way to the grocery store and realized nothing is needed but ended up going anyways to pickup vegetables for dinner tomorrow night. On the ways there is an adult book store which has many toys and decided what the heck and went in.

    So I make a bee-line for the female toys, and there are of course more for females then there are for males and took my time gazing. The salesman came over a few times, first time he said if you want me to open any package let me know and thanked him while the second time was to show me discounted toys.

    I truly had no plans to purchase anything but something got into me even though I like females, not males purchased a life like (even has veins) toy but first had the salesman open it should I could put my hand around it for seeing if it was not too wide. Up to the counter and he said "I want to check the batteries", I asked what type of batteries does it take? He said AAA and not to expect them to last long as they are only there to test the toy out. Then he said, I will give you new batteries at no charge, thanked him again.

    Came home and for lack of better words examined my newly purchased toy and think I will try it out after my last dilation session tonight. It should be interesting as the dilators lack any real characteristics of the real thing while the toy by all means does.

    Update: I did try the toy out and it's safe to say I like it.
  11. KarenPayne

    Facebook again

    By KarenPayne,

    I have been waiting to see if any of my friends would un-friend me after announcing my gender change, instead I actually gained two friends, lost zero.

    One I understand as we are both heavily into martial arts and have many common friends in martial arts while the other one not sure about but she is a mutual friend from a person I attended high school with on the East Coast.

    So to date all is well.
  12. KarenPayne
    No surprise it was very painful at the back of my vagina and let me say, time pasted very slowly and did controlled breathing the entire time. I am no wimp when it comes to pain and would say I can not wait till this size dilator is fitting without any pain.

    Edit: Second time was less painful.
  13. KarenPayne

    Teaching today

    By KarenPayne,

    I was asked by a group of six to teach a empty hand defensive class today. My only limitation was to not go to the ground as I am still healing. Many of my techniques end up with me locking up an attacker in a manner that I can call the police and keep them at bay with just my legs and be on top of them.

    Generally speaking for these types of classes I have one concept to teach and also allow the students to agree say on one common attack and work that into the concepts I teach. Lastly, I demonstrate what I call "Counter-for-counter" which in short means if they did "this" I do "that" and if they then do "something else" I counter and we can keep going as long as it takes but keeping in mind this is under 10-15 seconds which many think is cool but is not easy to learn which is why I push practice and repeating my class.

    Oh, can't forget to show how to get out of being tied up with duct tape.

    One of the students today is a repeat, a black belt and is always trying to counter my counters which is cool but so far have failed to come out on top. I really like this type of student because they challenge me to be better and every class I learn something new "Always a student, sometimes a teacher" is something I fully grasp and embrace.

    Now what should I wear :rolleyes:
  14. KarenPayne

    I am truly honored

    By KarenPayne,

    I was just reading Emmasweet’s latest blog post and realized how fortunate I am to have found this safe haven unlike no other on the web. Not to leave anyone out but Monica, Emma, UsernameOptional and Lori are wonderful people and if you have not looked at other sites this one is the best. Way too many focus on one or two high level topics of interest unlike this one.

    Well this entry was not meant to win any awards, just wanted to put this out there

  15. KarenPayne

    Facebook

    By KarenPayne,

    I was contemplating on what I should do for Facebook, create a new account or change the current male one so I created a new one but then thought that this is going to be tough getting friends over to the new account and stopped after creating the new female account last week.

    While surfing through my male account yesterday I decided to delete the new female account and change the male account to female via gender option then changed from my male name to my female name. Walked away and upon coming back a while later had several people had messaged me, some saw it coming while others did not but so far all are supportive of the change which includes former girlfriends.

    One thing I have been monitoring is friend count, see if any unfriend me but so far none have which I am thankful for. If any do unfriend me that is their choice which I respect but also realize they were never my friend in the first place.

    Anyways one of my things is not to simply accept people as friends for the heck of it like some do, instead I only allow those whom I think will be friends, are fellow instructors and/or have common interest.

    There is one woman I met on My Space, always wanted to date her, in my eyes she is simply hot which does not mean the best looking woman out there, instead I am simply attracted to her and let her know that. We never met but over time became friends in a different way and then when moving to Facebook she friended me. I was pleasantly surprised to find her as one of the first friends to like my note that I was now female, gave me a warm feeling.

    Another woman whom I feel that we have met in other lives (and she actually was the one who brought this up) and dated also made it known we will always be friends. Funny thing about her while in bed together after making love she says (don't remember the exact words as this was back in 2006) "In a former existence I was the male and you were the female, married and very happy" and thought that was interesting that she firmly believed I was female before. About six months ago I told her I wanted to chat with her over the phone. She gave me her phone number (saying in case you don't have it anymore, which I did) and said give me a call tomorrow. I called her, we chatted for awhile then told her what was going on. There was a slight pause then she came back and said, I will kill you if you look better than me and then said, well we should go out shopping sometime. Talked for about an hour and felt really good that we could do this.

    I did get a few messages from various friends that had many questions which I am still need to reply too as there were many but all positive.

    Two of the people who congratulated me are national figures in the world of teaching self-defense and actually was surprised that one did message me while the other one I had no doubt.

    Looking back several months I would had never guessed this announcement would had been so positive and happy it has gone well.
  16. KarenPayne
    So recently I moved from the smaller dilator to the medium dilator, first time was painful the whole time but got a little better each time yet was still painful.

    Tonight I just finished and very happy that there was almost no pain. If things progress as they have been I should be good by say Sunday.

    Any ways the purpose of this entry is too tell others who will go down this path is that in the beginning it is no picnic but does get better.

    eek not looking forward to the larger one :(
  17. KarenPayne

    Mornings

    By KarenPayne,

    For 99% of the days since surgery I have bad mornings. Most of them I wake up way too early. Many of them I feel nausea to some extent and just down right crappy. Usually take a two hour nap within two hours of waking up.

    I have noticed the past few days that I am starting to feel better.

    What really makes me feel normal is right after morning dilation and a nice hot shower.

    Anyways thought others going down this path might be alerted to you too may experience this too.
  18. KarenPayne

    Facebook cleansing

    By KarenPayne,

    Don't know what got me started (Kevin Gallagher account) but I went into my albums and decimated most of my photos of my former self but could not bring myself to remove them all which where the one's I was teaching self-defense with. Think I will wait on those until I have pictures for my other (Karen Payne account) FB account. I did first save the photos off to my backup drive, you never know if for some strange reason I might want them but by all intense and purpose they are now buried in the past.

    I think what got me on this path was updating my work ID today.


  19. KarenPayne

    Coffee at work

    By KarenPayne,

    I emailed a co-worker whom I told he could use my parking spot at work that I would be in for HR work.

    He said let's all go out for coffee, which I said sure thing.

    When I got to work about 10 or so co-workers came over to see how I was doing. I gave them a brief on how things were going and that I will be out for several more weeks (Robin at Marci's office emailed me today and said I can go back to work around March 2nd).

    So six of us took a walk over to the nearby Starbucks, got coffee, came back and chatted for a while followed by me visiting HR to get my name change going there.

    I was very happy that everyone came over to see me and had smiles on their faces which meant a great deal to me.

    There was way too much paper work to complete today so I will head back tomorrow and give them the filled out forms.
  20. KarenPayne

    Work and dilation

    By KarenPayne,

    If so desire, check out my entry at http://www.karenpayneblog.com where the first part is at work (which is duplicated from my prior blog here) and then about current dilation.

    I truly despise dilation but will never give up :)
  21. KarenPayne
    I texted her last week and said how about we get together? She said, next Sunday and why not come for dinner.

    When I arrived there was no mistaking that I had transitioned and this was the first they heard of it but she had figured it out from cryptic post I made on Facebook over the past six months. Her husband took it in stride but later confided in my he was very surprised. Her daughter and grand-son were there too who just heard from my daughter.

    We spent abound two hours chatting in their living room where the topics ranged from my transition to me teaching self-defense to politics.

    Then we went out to a nice Mexican restaurant, took our time and had a good time then back to their place for tea, chatted another hour or so then I said I needed to leave (needed time for dilating and they are one hour away from my place).

    Her daughter texted me this morning and said her son who had only met me many years ago told his mom that he was interested in learning self-defense from me and also not once referred to me other than female but did say he could not see anything else.

    So next Sunday I am heading back up in the afternoon to do some teaching and glad these people are still in my life.

    PS I actually have more contact with them then my ex-wife does LOL which must say something about me.


  22. KarenPayne

    Female emotions

    By KarenPayne,

    I will start off by saying that in the past 15 years there has been just one time I truly cried for something real. Today I was watching Chicago Fire television show where there was a very emotional scene. I could feel my body reacting to what I was watching and figured my eyes would become watery but not the case today, I completely broke down, cried, body shook and I actually made sounds.

    This has to be the hormones as I have noticed in recent months more joy in various aspects of my life, people say I smile a good deal more and I am noticing this myself.

    I did consider not posting this but decided it might be helpful to know that it took about 9 months to feel undeniable changes in inside of me and 14 months to where there was no controlling what happened today.

    Since this happened just 10 minutes ago, think I will curl up in my easy chair with a warm cup of black tea.
  23. KarenPayne

    Crappy morning

    By KarenPayne,

    I went to bed around 10PM and woke up at 2:30AM which is not enough sleep, tinkered around until 5AM and then got another hour sleep. When I woke up still did not feel well but knew I had to do my dilation and was the worst dilation since the first one.

    I glided the tool in and knew immediately that it was going to be a painful time but kept on going. Usually immediately afterwards I take a shower which tends to make me feel normal again but it has been one hour since the shower and just beginning to feel better.

    Just goes to show there are good days and there are bad days, we need to push ourselves when in this position else suffer the consequences which in this case is lost of width and depth.
  24. KarenPayne
    After surgery my mother called hearing I was in California for surgery and inquired to what the surgery was. I told her it was not life threatening on three different times days after surgery, not to worry mom.

    Well this morning she called and asked about my surgery again and I said, don't you remember, I told you it was nothing to worry about.

    She said, I think I know what it was for. I said, what you do think, she said gender change? Well I am surely not going to deny it as my only reason for not telling her was that she is 94 and thought it would upset her, guess I got it wrong.

    She said I still love you and always will no matter what. She told me when I was young that there was just something about me and that she could see me as a female and actually would had loved to had another daughter but did not know what to do and simply treated me as her child. She never pushed me in either direction from my memories at any point.

    So now I have fully disclosure with my family :)
  25. KarenPayne

    Holy cow

    By KarenPayne,

    Went to the grocery store this morning and while heading down one of the aisles a co-worker was crossing the aisle, look right at me and did not notice me. That was indeed a good sign as you can not fake not recognizing someone I had worked with for 15 years verses the look that someone gives you that they are ignoring you, at least in my book.

    This happened two other times in the past year so guess I am on the right track.
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