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Briannah

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Blog Entries posted by Briannah

  1. Briannah
    Nikki's passport has wandered off somewhere, again.  And I"m only 60 percent sure mine is still where I remember it being.  I honestly think these things are alive, aware they are at the end of their lifespan, and Really Angry about that.  (I have to renew them next year, and I never renewed them before, and I'm disproportionately freaked out by official things I've never done before).  And I still have to organize excursions (we like to have them ordered and paid before we go, the less we spend on the trip the less we risk whatever they call that when the numbers get big and you start spending like crazy because it seems a little unreal.  There' sa name for the psychological effect but I cant' remember it.  Reason number two we're postponing Assateague til next year when we're not planning to cruise.  I'm super excited to share all my memories physically with Nikki though of that island.
    I'm really excited that there are beaches in my future.  I really miss living on a coastal state.  I lived in the center of the state, nearly the real center weirdly both north/south and east/west so I wasn't right on the coast, but depending on the winds some days when it was warm the sea winds were strong and blowing in ward you could get whiffs of the sea even as  far inland as we were.  And of course, an half to full hours ride depending on which beach was desired and a coupla bucks of parkway money (and I'm so odd, I know, but I loved throwing money at the little funnels and going, it  always struck me as hilarious!) and some really frustrating circling trying to find a parking spot later and you could be on the beach.    I would love to be coastal again.  Even though I have recently learned there is actually a sand crisis on pretty much every beach on the world, and everyone is angry at Africa for not sharing their sand, i guess from teh Sahara?  Crazy right?
    Heck, I have this silly wish to go home, and live in New Jersey again.  Surprisingly a lot of the people from my childhood and early adulthood are still there and in touch.  But it's crazy expensive, and impractical.  But that's what dreams are for right?  I'm such a cliche, I spent all my time in Piscataway wanting out, and now i just want back in.  Go figure.   It's one of the two places I dream of living when I'm not focused on making where I actually live more pleasant, the other being with the palm trees and lizards in Florida.  I wouldn't be sad to have warmish winters.
    Speaking of winter, we're in full swing yo you mode here.  It's rained or snowed ever day for roughtly 9 days or so now.  The sky is angry, and it's mostly been cold, with a few abrupt swings to the 60's.  WEATHER GONE WILD! 
    Oh, and I have to share this so you ladies can all be weirded out with me.  We're out driving, and definitely in town proper, when suddenly...PIG!  A real live, sorta goofy looking, black pig in someone's lawn.  I can only assume it's their pet, but it was outside in an unfenced lawn unattended.  So I guess it's a well behaved pig?  I'm going to guess a female Vietnamese potbelly pig on the basis that it was vaguely shaped like one of those and had no tusks, but I have zero pig knowledge so feel free to laugh at my identification attempts.  It was just so bizarre and unexpected.  And this is from a someone who lives here, where there used to be a guy who kept a bear in a dog kennel by the river. 
    Ya know, the more I talk about it with you guys, the more I realize my life is sorta weird.  Even by my standards.   Pull up a hot chocolate (or beverage of your choice) and enjoy the weird with me.  Share your weird.  It's fun!
  2. Briannah
    It's been raining since New Year's eve.  And our life experience SO color our emotional reactions to things.  We always assume that humans think rationally, but rational thought really goes to problem solving, while life experience and subconscious go to the deeper choice and reaction issues. 
    I always liked rain.  However, since 2007, if it rains more than one day I'm deeply uncomfortable and want to start moving everything I own upstairs.   Our town flooded that year.  It took somewhere between six and eight weeks of rain, no just a few days, but my brain doesn't care.  Its the conditions that created a situation which threw my world upside down.  And this was a MINOR flood, nothing like what goes on fairly regularly with the Mississippi river.  My basement flooded out and there was some danger potential, as the breaker box, hot water heater, and furnace were all in that water.  We had to carefully get a pump into it to get the water out without touching any of the water in case it was electrified, and there was a very real potential of fire form a situation like that I understand, but we had a shelter to go to if needed.  So it wasn't a safe situation, but it wasn't imminent danger of drowning like some people have faced. 
    But all the loss of the things we had stored, all the cleanup, the worry about the structural safety of our house (especially since the basement stairs broke off and floated freely around down there), and the sheer amount of work after to clean it all up so we could get it professionally bleached (or whatever they put on it) to control the health issues of post flood sewage in the basement (I'm talking storm drains sewage, not the toilet ones).  There was no power for a week, that made cleanup hard.  And the whole town stank like you wouldn't believe.  So while it wasn't as bad as it is for others, it was pretty bad during the event.  And...it only happened once in the time I've lived here, and once when my grandparents moved here the second year I think, but now it colors my thoughts and feelings about the rain.  And it changed the look of my town.  Lost of neighborhoods are gone now, and just grassy fields left where they were.
    Rationally, I know it's not a threat to me unless we start hitting the four week mark that I need to start thinking about it.  But the reality is that on that second day of rain, both Nikki and I start checking the river's height on the town page.  We start eyeing what to move upstairs.  Because brains and psyche are NOT rational.
    It's a good reminder to myself to stop and remember not to expect rational thought from big issues from people.  It doesn't work that way.  We all think it should, but brains and emotions don't work on rational.  Rational is how to fix the leaking faucet, how to move the possessions out of the way of the flood.  The emotional brain provides the impetus to actually fix that faucet, and when to start moving those things.  And that part isn't rational, it's deeper in that rooted in a series of complex instinctive and learned behaviors related to survival.  Our brains haven't cuaght up with the modern world, and they still function on survival instinct every day.   That is where the fear of unknown and different comes from. 
    It's why change is slow, and not fast.  Because we have to train our brains that those feelings aren't actually helping us survive or function better as a group.  Patience is they key.  It's not about rational thought and statistics, it's about countering that deep emotional instinct and life experience part to effect real change.
  3. Briannah
    I confess, I'm being a bit cheesy here.    I always kinda snubby my nose at the resolution thing, because people make them and then forget them January second in my cultural experience.  But there are things I want to do so here goes.
    1) My kitchen makeover.  Aside from the fact that I found actual educational tutorials on how to do something about it all affordably, Nikki was actually excited about my ideas and has the skills I lack in the excecution.  And a thanks here to my Grandpa again for giving me the skills I don't lack, because he was always happy to explain what he was doing and teach me about it, and never really bought into the 'girls aren't into things'. 
    2) Found a really low cost beautiful result flooring idea, that Nikki really loved so explore if this is a potential solution to getting the carpet out of the upstairs and off the staircase (the last of the carpeting in this house, carpet is really unhealhty, and when you are asthmatic and also have a mold/dust/fungi allergy, it's really bad for peeps like me) without having $8,000 to spend on it and again we have the skills between us to do it.  This ties into 3.
    3) Keep working on the health makeover.  We are making progress, but it's easy to say hey, I fixed this one thing, DONE!  But the reality is good health really is a lifestyle not just fixing a problem, so...lifetime endeavor. 
    4) Learning to better identify actual barriers vs. internal mental barriers.  My kitchen could have been fixed years ago, if I'd had the idea or information of all the possible options I have that are and have been affordable.  It honestly never occurred to me that there WERE affordable options, (three kitchen projects, two for under $100, and one about $300 will completely change the room and make the house much nicer).  I just assumed that it would need a full remodel with constructions and thousands of dollars to do anything about it.  I think I have this sort of house lack of knowledge and internal barrier thinking on a lot of things, and time to reexamine that and start educating myself not just on how to be a good person (that took a lotta self help thanks to that weird upbringing) and how to help Nikki's depression and such, but how to just do basic day to day living and better organization in going after things I want.
    5) More cowbell.
  4. Briannah
    So was trying to start sleeping a bit earlier so I'm up during the day, Nikki missing me chatting with him on twitter at work, but my body wants to sleep 4 am to noon.  And I went to bed at 1 last night, and failed spectacularly to sleep until 3.  LOL  So while I was failing I had my ipad and was browsing Pinterest, and found the home decor section.  Now if you all knew me and my lazy home decorating skills, you'd be laughing right now.  Hard.  But there were interesting things there, and...projects.  And Nikki loves the ideas I presented for the new kitchen look.  We're going to take the colors for the cabinets and walls from the laminate, so the room has a sense of cohesion.  I think I need to start pricing sanders, I don't see either of us spending hours on hand sanding our counters.

    Projects that are more affordable to give my ugly kitchen a facelift.  My kitchen is REALLY ugly.  Other than the nice laminate floor we put in that looks like rock tile.  It has one faux wood counter and one white counter.  Both are dinged up to high heaven.  But Pinterest had a counter makeover using this 'feather coat' concrete stuff.  Sticks to any surface apparently, and I can add a faux concrete finish to my counters.  Both trendy and solves the mismatch problem.  Just a bit of troweling and sanding, no special skills needed.  The bag is like $15, and my counters are not big so one bag will do it.  If anyone else has a similar issue, or just loves the look of the concrete counters but doesn't have the money, lemme know and I'll post the project link in the comments.  AND it had a recipe for do it yourself chalk paint, which adheres better to smooth surfaces like cabinetry but it rather expensive paint, so I can deal with the ugly dinged up cabinet finishes and make the kitchen look cohesive without spending a ton.  The one big thing I'll need a couple hundred dollars for is a new sink, we've been looking to find time and money to replace that for a while.  Might as well do it when we have to take the old one out to do the counters so there is no 'edge' at the sink anyway.
    The point of this post: I'd just done...nothing.  In my head it was super expensive and out of my reach to do anything about it, so I just dealt with it.  But now, really starting to look around at things like this on the internet, I'm realizing that a lot more is actually under my control and fixable than I ever realized.  I'm about to turn 45, and just starting to figure life out.  It's never too late, and if you're a late bloomer go for it anyway.  I'm working on my total life makeover, mental, body, and environment.  The hardest part was to get up and start doing it, and not sit around and complain it's all out of my control.  I can't have my dream house in Jupiter, sure there are actual limits, but I don't have to miserable with what I have and can do something about making it better in small stages, and then someday I"ll suddenly be there, and realize I fixed things one tiny step at a time.  I spent my whole life thinking you had to be able to do the whole thing all at once or it couldn't be done, and that was a trap.  I climbed out of the trap, and Pinterest helped. 
    That is SO weird. 
  5. Briannah

    Misadventures in Romance

    By Briannah,

    So. Monday was gorgeous all day.  SIXTY degrees outside.  We hadn't done the Toledo Zoo Lights yet this year, so I called Nikki at work to find out if he wanted to go, it was a work night but it's not terribly late.  Thought it would be fun not freezing to death for once.  So we get in the car to go, and it starts misting a bit.  Then it starts pouring.  It was the soggiest zoo lights ever!  We bought a great big red and white umbrella and were congratulating ourselves on dealing with the rain when the wind started, an we nearly blinded some poor dude walking behind us when the umbrella turned inside out.  After getting well and truly soaked, we stopped in the Carnivore Cafe.  They had turned the old cat house into a cafe and you can eat in the cages!  Silly fun.  And my hot chocolate lid fell off and poured all over me.  LOL 
    It was the silliest night, but still, romance happened despite it all going wrong.  Just proves perfection is so NOT the key to romance. 
  6. Briannah
    So we went up to Toledo to do some shopping for xmas, much more selection up there than our town, and our favorite calzone place is on the way, so awesome lunch.  And while we're shopping, someone calls out to Nikki, and it took me a moment to place him, but it was our former roommate.  Sweet guy, and it was lovely to catch up.  I said he and his family should come down and I'll cook a dinner, and we could make the details on Facebook.  He said he thought I'd quit using it, it got dark on my wall.  To which I replied my Dad getting on Facebook made it really weird...and he looked at me and goes, "Yeah, I saw all that.  I couldn't believe he was backtalking everything you said and did, and wondered why you talked to him at all." 
    It was...a wonderful moment.  Someone not really all that vested in making me happy analyzing the interactions objectively, and telling me I'm not crazy.  After all the family gaslighting that I"M the problem (and even though you firmly try not to believe, it works it's way in when that is normalized since you are a child), it was really comforting that someone else was mindblown and not telling me that I have to forgive and accept my father because that's just the way he is.  Best Christmas Gift ever.  I had been all geared up to defend myself again...and just got patted on the head with a you did good sorta moment.
    And I only have a few groceries and one more person to buy for tomorrow and I'm done.  WOOT!
  7. Briannah

    Slowly Freezing

    By Briannah,

    It's SEVEN degrees outside.  Seven.  Seven is a TINY number when talking about degrees.  It's so cold in our back computer room that I think I could use it as an extra food freezer while waiting for the space heater to warm up the room.  (the kind that is like a little radiator with heated oil inside, not the kind you can accidentally poison yourself with in an enclosed space, that's important!). 
    I'm torn between massive cleaning to keep my body moving to try to generate heat or a warm fuzzy blanket and burying my head in the sand til spring.  I have been having a blast since Nikki let me slip outta the workforce, but I have never been so appreciative of it until the reality of today, that I absolutely do not have to go outside in it, I will not be triggering any massive asthma attacks because I am staying inside, and I get to make the choice between blankets and a video game because Nikki is awesome and makes sure I have everything I need to survive the winters rather than my only option being yet another trip to the emergency room because I can't breath.    Modern medicine has managed to control my asthma with every trigger but this one.  Cold sends my lugs into flying temper tantrums of lung rage that they then vent by trying to kill me. But it used to be pollen, dust, mold, exercise, sleeping, and well...existing that used to trigger it, so yeah, go doctors, you have improved my life.
    This post has been brought to you by the letters c, o, l, and d. 
  8. Briannah

    Still being me. :)

    By Briannah,

    So between the cats and a very clumsy Bree trying to get the house ready for the holidays, I look like I tried to go ten rounds with a thorn hedge and a few with a hammer, but I'm making progress with everything.  A little triple antibiotic ointment does wonders for cat scratches by the way.  Ocean swimming does better, but I live a couple states away from that option now.  Oh, the days when I was only an hour away and could go all the time and soak up that wonderful water.  I don't know why it works, it just does.  

    I swallowed down the lies the dismorphia whispers, and ordered non-stretchy pants in a 30 waist instead of the usual 34, just to see, and they fit.  I did lost more weight, and my pants are not in fact falling off my body becuase they stretched out, but because I stretched in.  Of course, my brain doesn't want to deal with it.  But you can't argue jean shorts sizes.  So then I had Nikki shop for me and got a few more dresses for the boat in the actual right size for me.  And I'm creeping up on my first goal, woman's size 24.  I started at 38, am slowly getting places.
    I managed to organize with Nikki's dad and stepmom for an upcoming group vacation, that was fun.  The more people involved in anything the crazier it gets.  But we'll all be somewhere warm and nice on a boat for Nikki's fortieth.   
    The house is actually starting to get organized, and I have unloaded tons of junk that I don't have to deal with to keep it clean.   Developing new habits to overcome that rough upbringing I whine about. LOL   Some success.  Have learned to make some tasty new things, Nikki is pleased with my efforts on the culinary front definitely.  The living room is ready for the tree to come up tomorrow.   The front house is all done up in lights, a little guady, but hey, I live in a town that has SEVERAL impressively gaudy  houses so mine looks underdone.  Seriously, there are a couple so full of stuff you can't even see the grass under it all.  It's crazy. 
    Counting the days til staycation for my birthday and our anniversary (18th), which coincidentally begins right after Nikki's overtime season ends.  Yay!  For four weeks it's basically been work, eat, sleep, and occasionally manage to notice I'm in the house and say hi.  LOL Worked four weeks strait without a day off, poor thing is exhausted.  I'm impressed that he remembers my name at this point!
    Hugs to everyone, I hope you all have a glorious holiday whatever you celebrate, even if it's just the celebration of a free day off, and hope everyone has great fun and stays warm if you're not lucky enough to live in the warmer places. 
     
  9. Briannah
    I had a REALLY uncomfortable conversation with a friend of mine today who was worried that a third friend had offended me with a sort of inappropriate outburst of hate against Clinton in the middle of game raid night.  And I admitted it had made me really uncomfortable, but...not on the political front.  And then the conversation got way personal, and I realized that what scares me most isn't Trump himself and his crazy, dangerous things that he spouts. There is always that one person yelling crazy stuff.   Always. 
    What really is stirring up the things inside is...the things normal people are saying all over comment sections in places I go and conversations.  There is a video with trump saying how great it is to be a star from 2005, because you can just walk up to women and 'kiss them or grab them by their *vulgar word for crotch here*').  He admitted to sexual assault.  And a large group of predatory type personalities are ranting at ME (abuse survivor, thanks) that I'M not understanding that it's not wrong.  That I'm the stupid one because saying he enjoys just walking up to women he likes and doing those things isn't rape, so it's okay.  WTH???????????  So if this man makes it into the presidency, what does the day to day world look for vulnerable people?  The president says it's okay to kiss and grab the crotch of someone you like, so shut up and take it if I want to target you?  I"m not even pretty or have a nice body and I've still had to deal with unwanted advances and sexual attentions and the rage that I had to nerve to say stop I don't want this and wasn't grateful that they wanted to use me.  What would the world look like for the really pretty woman that lots of men want to just grab and grope?  How much worse is it for them on a daily basis would it be with this sort of condonement in authority? 
    I can rationally connect to how immigrants of all minorities have to be feeling, but I can't emotionally say I know because I haven't lived that life. But if they feel as scared as I am, that is a lot of people.  Women are half the population by ourselfs.  Let's say minority men are another 20% to be conservative.  That makes 70% of the population it's suddenly open season on? 
    Politics used to be about laws and where the line was between individual freedom and group wants/needs.  But this time it feels more like it's about what is going to happen in the streets.  Or is already out there but was hidden, and now is under a shiny huge spotlight.  It's like everyone is just losing their minds about basic human rights all around me.  People used to laugh at me when I said I try to treat everyone well, because you can't divide people up and say it's okay to be good to one group and bad to the other, eventually like that no one is safe.  They said I didn't understand.  But look what is happening.  None of this is really about Trump or Clinton, the fights between people on the net are about basic decency and horror.  And it's really scary.
    Why is my culture so inherently unable to understand that human beings are all human beings?  You can not like whoever you want, but no one has the right to harm others.  And using figureheads to justify committing horrors doesn't really justify anything, we still know a horror was committed.  It's like russian roullette in America of who should feel unsafe today. 
  10. Briannah
    I've had a friend for about a year.  Nikki and I met him online, and we all hit it off and became good friends.  Through the internet, they live several states away.  But still.  Ten years of chatting is a long time, and real friendships form.  So...several years ago he had a full on psych meltdown and vanished, and his wife reached out to me (thinking I was having an affair with him and he'd come to the other woman, unaware I was part of a couple and it wasn't like that) and she and I struck up a friendship because I was there for her while he was missing and the aftermath.  Then she was there for me after I was victimized with something else, and the friendship endured, back and forth every time something went crazy in our lives.  I don't have much in common with her as far as interests and hobbies, but we have a common ground of really bad ex husbands that left scars and the trials of life for us have been similar.  That creates a strong bond, even if we can't dish on the latest anime or tv show because we don't watch the same things.  Nikki doesn't have the relationship with her I do at all, she's just someone I know to him, but he's outraged by what is happening all the same because he's a good person who doesn't like seeing others hurt.  That makes me happy.  The rest makes me really sad.
    So, as per the workings of our friendship, she reaches out to me because something stressy is going on.  And I settle down with a glass of coke zero ready to listen, offer any useful advice I may have, and just let her unload.  I had no idea what was coming.
    My friend, my long term dearest friend who I trusted with SO many things in my head, he ATTACKED her and one of her CHILDREN.  *floored*  I was both completely stunned and not surprised at the same time.  I mean, I know the psych issue was bad, and I had been trying for months to talk him into getting into therapy, but you know, you can't force a person to get help.  You try because you have to, and I tried every logic and emotional appeal that I could, but it didn't matter.  And now here we are.  And it's gone into full on stalking like the kind that you see on the discovery channel tv shows because obviously she left him after the attack. 
    And I'm just floored.  So I did giver her useful advice on what to do with a stalker, having endured that myself (although mine wasn't a relationship based stalking, mine was a crazy woman with borderline personality disorder), and tried to be what comfort I could.  You never see it coming, ya know?  Even knowing there were issues, there was nothing indicating this.  He'd had simple breakups with other women in the past, no crazy.  Maybe his condition degenerates with age?  I don't know.   No one involved would have ever dreamed this would happen.  And isn't that what they always say when you watch those shows?  It really is easy to be blindsided.  Even for people alert to odd behavior.  We were more worried about him harming himself than other people, and boy we were mistaken. 
    But when I'm not trying to help her, I'm just sad.  Sad that someone I LIKED would be that kind of person.  Sad for the friendship that is obviously over, this is a huge dealbreaker for me given my history and the fear it's causing my other friend and the children (they are hers, not shared, so at least she can cut him out entirely and not have that complication!).  But...ten years of shared history and memories don't just vanish, and there is a mourning phase.  And sometimes I have an instinct to try to rationalize it away so I don't have to lose that.  I know better, but I do understand why so many people protect loved ones that might have done something, it's not that easy to throw away a person.  Especially parents. 
    So...even though it's kinda hurting, it's a good life lesson in perspective about not really understanding other people's choices until you're in the situation and learn how your own feelings and life experiences play out in how you deal with it.  I'm not sure how I would react if it was someone ever closer to me like my child or husband, or one of my lifelong friends.  I guess it's not surprising we can never really know what is in another person given we don't really know what is in OURSELVES until we are confronted with something and have to go through it and learn who we are in those moments.  It's so important to make choice, and not just act on instince I think.  My instinct says he's ill, not his fault, but I realize this is a defining moment of who I am and who I'm going to be.  Nothing in that was okay.  He was alerted to the fact that he needed help, ignored it, and hurt someone.  Even if it was driven by the illness, he wasn't so bad he didn't know he needed to do something, he just chose to not deal with it, and someone got hurt. That isn't okay, and even if I'll miss him, I can't condone it by going on.  So that is who I am in this, the one who chooses to say not okay, and we're done and support the victim.  Yay morality. 
  11. Briannah
    So it's crazy busy season at Nikki's job and he hasn't had a day off in weeks.  He MIGHT get one day next weekend, but it's also equally possible he'll work five weeks strait with no days off until the Christmas shutdown for the eve and day.  And while he's upbeat about it, all the overtime is paying for our next cruise this spring for his birthday and his dad and stepmom are going (I love his dad, his dad is awesome.  His stepmother stresses me out, shes a nice person overall, but she gets randomly weird without warning and creates really awkward and unpleasant moments out of nowhere and talks in a kindergarten singsong voice ALL the time).  So that keeps him going.
    And in an effort to make his home time as great as I can, I spent an hour in the kitchen working on an awesome lunch.  I pan fried some boneless chicken in butter, onions, and garlic, then cut it up and tossed it with four cheese tortellini and dressed it with a roasted garlic alfredo sauce after I added some extra carmelized garlic and onions to the sauce, all the while baking some fresh bread.  I laid it all out on the table so he'd see it the minute he got him, and I went to the bathroom.  For a minute.  And when I came out...you got it...my miscreant thieving pooch was standing on a chair helping herself to our lunch.  And she absolutely knew better, the minute she saw me she immediately went into the guilty phase.  *headdesk*  So we went out and had a nice lunch, but all that effort.  At least there didn't seem to be enough onion to make her ill, onions are not healthy for dogs and I don't let her eat them.  It's impossible to watch this dog 24/7, she gets into things.  Two years ago there was an emergency vet run after she at THREE POUNDS of Christmas cookies.  Her stomach was SO distended she couldn't stand up when I got home, and did she stop eating them at some point?  No, she ate til they were gone and she couldn't stand up.  *shakes her head*   She didn't get to the bread, so we ate that for a snakc later, and I saved a bunch and sliced it up and am drying it out tonight to make french toast tomorrow. 
    And...I was so mad.  I didn't do anything about it but whine a bit, but sometimes the small things just get to you, ya know?  People are always saying don't sweat the small stuff, but sometimes it's just about how you feel inside and not about the actual trigger of those feelings.  Nikki gets me however and didn't try to put down my frustrations or minimize the annoyance while focusing on figuring out what we wanted to do now that lunch was gone.  He has learned a LOT in therapy, and we have a connection better than we ever had before.  And he just lets me be me, even when it's irrational and disproportionate as long as it's not manifesting in a way that would harm someone.  They say people can't change, but the reality is we change every day.  Sometimes a lot, sometimes a little.  And when we spend an effort to change together, the pay off is huge.
    We set a game day for Thursdays to just do something fun, connect in a fun way with no stress.  Mondays we have a conversation slot for anything that is on our minds, in a completely safe zone.  Anything can be said, and nothing is left inside festering.  Saturdays are hobby days, where I join Nikki for movies (he's way into movies, I'm not, but I bring whatever I want into the living room and work on it while watching the movie with him, compromise between my ability to just sit and watch something that makes my add crazy and his enjoyment of it).  And it sounds so silly, and it did sound silly even to me when I came up with the plan.  But...it's been several months now, and it's working.  We don't stick strictly to the schedule, sometimes the talks are Tuesday for example and moves are Sunday, but they get done every week regardless of what day.  It flies against the grain of everything I had been taught by my family about how marriage works, and I was hesitant to bring it up to Nikki, but he and I were talking about it the other day and he loves it.  He doesn't always think to tell me things on his mind in the bustle of our day to day live, so cuddling up on the couch with a hot chocolate for talk time focuses him on letting me in, and gets me to open up a lot more than I do normally when I'm in the mulling it over phase.  And he can poke at the add and dysmorphia in that setting without freaking me out. 
    Things can be worked out.  But only if you let yourself feel your feelings.  I guess my moral of the day to myself is it's okay to be stupidly angry that my silly grand romantic dramatic plan & presentation were ruined.  It's not about the dog behaving badly, or the actual food, but about all the effort I put into it and expectation of a romantic lunch time and making Nikki happy that got ruined.  It's okay to be mad. 
    It also got stupidly cold here, so I caved and gave Nikki the thermal underwear and parka jacket I got as Xmas presents.  His old one was ratty and he's never liked shopping for boring old necessities.  He'll shop til the end of time for cool tshirts or dresses, but getting him to spend five minutes replacing worn jackets, socks, underwear, etc and it's like I just kicked his pooch.  LOL  I felt bad watching him freeze when I knew I had these warm things hidden away.  I'll have to get something else for under the tree now.  And it really did get stupidly, abruptly cold.  It's snowing.  And it was raining earlier, so I'm very happy today that I don't have to go to work and deal with the ice sheet hiding under the light powder dusting.   I need to make a list of staples I want to stock up so if we get any bad storms we can afford not to care about grocery shopping for a week or so. 
  12. Briannah
    There is a seriously flawed cultural understanding of marriage in American society.  There is this collective assumption that every marriage functions the same, and our media reinforces that.  A giant wash of anything that doesn't look the same.  For a country of freedom we do that a lot, alienation of people who look different, behave different, culturally different, etc.  So much of this country really practices the 'freedom to be just like me' rather than 'freedom to be who you are in peace'. 
    But the things I have come up in through two marriages and...um...nearly 23 total years of being in a marriage (I'm pretty sure if I remember correctly I got divorced at around the five year mark, but had only actively lived in the marriage for nearly three so I get confused because the divorce was rather anticlimactic in the grand scheme of my life to be honest) that no one ever talked about or in any way socially or culturally prepared me is huge.  From the giant ones like mental illness(violent/aggressive - ex husband, difficulty functioning like everyone else me, my son), transgenderism (current husband), trying to navigate a healthy addition of a husband with a child, to small things like handling opposing wants, germs, boredom, and the day to day stress of close quarters living with another human being.  None of that really gets talked about.  Or maybe I just lived in a weirdly sheltered bubble.  But whenever my family, friends, coworkers, media, etc. talk about it they always play up all the 'pros', and gloss over or entirely omit the minutiae and human element of it all.  They make you feel bad if you're not living a Disney fantasy 24/7, which is ridiculous considering no one does. 
    We live in a country with a HIGH failure rate of marriage.  And I do have to wonder if a large part of that can be attributed to the 'don't ask, don't tell' mentality we have about a lot of things, not just alternate sexuality people in the military.  There is so much talk about 'defense of marriage' out there in regards to treating homosexual couples equally, but they're not really defending anything.  Really defending marriage would be to talk about it in much more realistic terms, not setting young people up with these insane expectations from it, and yes, discussing all the varied forms of marriage, including same sex, polyamory, polygamy, romantic marriage, lifestyle marriage, etc. etc.  Telling them the truth that if you don't keep working at it, boredom does set in, not because you're partner or you are bad, but because that is how humans work.  Teaching strategies for the curveballs instead of letting people flail around trying to figure out what to do, it seems like every time anyone in a marriage (including myself) gets tossed a huge curveball there is no coping mechanisms in place and a lot of flailing around 'I don't know what to do!"(and I mean a general sense of "oh, things happen, I feel this and have to figure out where I want to go from here' not a a precognitive ready for everything vs. this isn't ever supposed to happen I"m the only person in the world and I have no social concept what to do at all!).   And the 'roles' and understanding of gender in marriages does more harm than good too, roles should be based on the individual personalities involved not the gender, and there should be freedom to talk honestly rather than expectation of people as a gender, example: when a guy cheats post new child because he's feeling neglected and unwelcome.  Why doesn't he talk about it with his wife?  Because he's been taught to never talk about weaknesses or feelings, and she's been taught to view any talk of such things negatively also.  Stay at home fathers face a lot of nastiness, while stay at home mothers are praised.  But not all women are suited for motherhood, and I think honestly most men ARE suited for fatherhood, they're just taught our weird almost hands off kinda cultural expectation of fatherhood.  We as a society here are SO invested in wanting everyone else to validate our life choices by making the same ones that it gets really ugly for people who are different. 
    That 'defense of marriage' crap really bothers me.  Because we're not defending or promoting stable marriages, we're socially actively engaged in over romanticizing and cultural deconstruction of marriage.  The biggest threat to anyone's marriage is internal, not the gender of the married neighbors.  No one's lifestyle is threatened by allowing others to live their lifestyles, just their sense of being able to force other to be like themselves through legislations, media presentation, and social pressure is slowly being eroded, and maybe one day when we break past the legendary amount of things we don't talk about then a real defense of lasting relationships in all their forms for all people in equality like we talk about can happen.  And for the people who don't like a thing, they don't have to.  They don't have to embrace anyone they don't like.  But they DO have to treat those people with common civility, respect, and safety.  You don't have to invite the gay/ethnic/trans/religious/atheist/man/woman/children over for dinner and board games, but you do have to allow them to live peacefully and unharassed emotionally, physically, financially, legally, and socially.  It's what manners were invented for in the first place, so that people who don't like each other can go about their day to day live in peace around each other. 
    Yes, I came out okay, more or less on top.  But how much better could I have done if married women before me talked about the realities of marriage to me growing up?  If the only media shows that talked about issues like boredom, insecurity, jealousy, neglect, lifestyle erosion of affection, etc. etc. were the ones where someone ends up dead?  If we didn't try to erase people who don't fit the mainstream culture and instead taught a calmer 'not my thing, thank you, but good luck!' response.   Some people are exceptional and say early on "I have a potential dealbreaker, let's talk about this".  There were three in my personal dating history, but most of them tried to hide them until serious investment figuring once the emotional/time investment was made they could force me into accepting it.  One I took the out for, I couldn't romantically get engaged in it, but the other two I didn't and the relationships failed for the classic natural reasons, our personalities weren't right together.  The ones that hid it assuming they could manipulate me into dealing, they were wrong, even Nikki.  Nikki almost didn't come out of this okay because secrets and lying are a hotbutton for me, but I gave him a pass because of the realistic world fear of violence, not just fear of the relationship ending.  But one more secret or lie I don't know about? We're absolutely done.   But I think about how much craziness and marital strife could have been avoided over the years if there had just been an understanding that 'flaws' and 'dealbreakers' (of any kind, I'm not making a judgement on trans here, I know my audience here may be sensitive to my wording here so I want to be clear, by flaw i mean things like my temper and inability to get anywhere on time and general inability to organize at all) are as much of a HUGE determining factor of the day to day of marriages as the 'virtues' and 'dealmakers' are, and so are the basic wants and needs of each person, even if society deems those wants and needs undesirable.  It doesn't make them go away.
    The answer to how much better I could have done?  A lot.  I would have been a better person on the whole, and dealt better with my relationships in both a very real understanding of how to actually be IN them and deal with the things happening in them, to knowing when to say stop in a rational, positive manner, to realizing familial relationships are relationships and should be terminated if they aren't healthy way before things got as damaging as they are. 
    The past can't change, but maybe we can make the future change, and leave a better, more open, and more realistic expectation of marriages for those coming up behind us and less emotional trauma (and murder!  Discovery channel certainly taught me how often marriage leads to murder) for them. And more equality and less alienation because that persons marriage doesn't look like mine. 
  13. Briannah

    Making an effort.

    By Briannah,

    So since Nikki's depression has been seriously lifted due to the combined efforts of therapy and his medication and the life chagnes, I'm making an effort on the holidays this year.  I have severely mixed feelings about holidays, so much unpleasantness to others hidden in that cheer, but what the #*&&.  Nikki's having a good time and can use some festivity in the middle of winter.  And me, being the extremely clumsy thing I am, managed to injure myself several times already trying to get things done.    But I did manage to get through the annual 'do these lights work?  Is this knot physically able to be undone or has it entered some weird form of light string knot immortality?' without getting the cat tied up with them this year, that's progress.  I'm trying to figure out where to put the tree. 
    So I was talking to my mom (when I can't get out of it, I admit) and she said she always thought I would outgrow the bruises and cuts and fails to understand how as an adult I can look like a clumsy three year old.  Well, gee, probably because I am clumsy, but mostly because I live with two cats and a dog.  90% of the cuts come from them.  And, unlike her, I don't sit on my butt all day, but I get up and do things, which occasionally means bruises and cuts and burns.  Bree no longer takes parental criticism well, it's never anything close to normal 'your family cares about you' and now it just triggers a lot of rage.  I'm tired of my mom implying I'm an awful daughter when she spent my entire childhood in her bedroom reading harlequin books with no idea where i was most of the time.  I had to pester her an hour to get fed, at age 6.  Cuz you know, putting the cheap romance formulaic novel down for 10 minutes to heat some frozen food and feed the kid would be a tragedy.
    So much fun trying to sort out that inner rage and holidays at the same time, but we have managed to get the lights up, work out a menu for xmas dinner, and my deep cleaning project on the house is going rather well, and progress in reducing the amount of weird clutter we have around is going well also.  Trying to put together a Christmas list for Nikki, he hates trying to shop for me without one, but I have no idea what i want.  Meh.
    My new dress for vacation this spring is supposed to arrive tomorrow.  I'm going with the aim of blinding at least half the boat with a sliver sequin dress that Nikki found and told me to buy for this.  My skin on the underside of my arms is going to despise me, sequins hurt, but I don't care, SPARKLE!  Nikki has been slowly replacing my functional ugly clothes with stuff he wants to see me in, and have a great time doing it, and I've only balked at one or two things, mostly on issues of color.  I cannot wear yellow, I look like I'm going to die, it does something creepy to my skin when I try to wear yellow. Which sucks, cuz I like it. Nikki shares this trait though, and can't rock the yellow either.  I have to redo our hair.  I also have to decide if I want to keep the peace with his family and dye my hair some sort of natural color for the cruise or not.  Probably not, ,I love my green and if my family can deal, so can his.
    Today...is a day off.  The new Pokemon games come out, so Nikki and I have to catch them all.  
  14. Briannah
    Seriously, I'm getting next to nothing done.  *headdesk*  I need a cleaning buddy or something.  I just have zero motivation this week, even showering was a massive endeaver.  And, of course, I had a clumsy moment and forgot the dimensions of the shower when I dropped the soap and cracked my head but good on the wall.  The lovely headache I had for half the day so DID not help.  I honestly think I'm having some kind of episode, anxiety maybe?  I just have this...constant feeling of vulnerability and fear.  Everything is starting me this week.  Has anyone here had experience with anxiety attacks?  I've never had one without clear and understandable provocation (like in the aftermath of the robbery).   Is this that?  How long can it last?  A week?  A month?  Meh.  I just feel WEIRD. 
    I need to at least figure out motivation.  I have a million things I want to do and just...haven't.  Today is just about over, can't fix today, will fight this tomorrow.  Good night all. 
  15. Briannah
    I need a suit of armor.  Nikki and I have been working on increasing our outdoor holiday lighting display.  I suspect mainly because I really really love sparkly lights and Nikki likes to indulge me.  But as you know I've stopped working, so our budget are smaller, but no worries!  PInterest to save the day! 
     
    And I found a great project to add to our lighting display, only it requires working chicken wire.  Chicken wire is plain evil.  But it would be a lovely inexpensive base for lighting in any shapes we want, the project was for large round balls, but Nikki thinks we can manage simple trees and square gift box types of bases and we can add details with varied color light strings.  I'm just so clumsy I'm a little worried I'll end up in the er again, last time I tried to wrestle chicken wire I sliced my arm elbow to wrist, and on the back of the other hand through the supposedly super tough leather gloves.  Is there some sort of super secret chicken wire wrangling trick no one told me about? 
  16. Briannah
    Crazy times.  Things have been better inside my head since cutting my dad and his toxicity out.  It's been two months since anyone called me or my son stupid, loser, and waste of life.  That's a plus!   I had a total panic meltdown a couple weeks ago, I woke up around ten, (I still have that ongoing insomnia, and sleep very late at ngiht to late morning) and went down the stairs, and something wasn't right.  The air felt...wrong.  A little damp, a little too cool.  And then I noticed a light pattern on the floor below me as I'm walking down the stairs that didn't make sense, it coudln't possibly be there unless....pause...no way...I'm confused clearly, because it's ten am and I'm alone in the house until one and there is NO WAY that the front door is open.  So I creep down the stairs, peer cautiously around the edge of the stairwell...and...run like a lunatic back upstairs, lock myself and the dog in my bedroom, barricading it with a dresser and calling 911 cuz yup, it's WIDE OPEN and I don't know if I"m alone in the house.  Fortunately it appears Nikki, despite the usual paranoia about it, forgot to lock it and it blew open.  But man was the adrenaline flowing that morning! 
    So the day after that improved greatly, Nikki took the week off before his crazy overtime season started, and we just spent it together doing whatever seemed fun at the time.  There was a lot of pokemon go hunting, I have managed to appease my fitbit five out of seven days last week.  So far this week fitbit appeasement has occurred 3 out of 7, I might have to up it's demand level.  But it was a lovely week of just...reconnecting. 
    We went to a public Halloween Pokemon Go costume, and he wore a female costume and had a great time.  We had dinner after, and he was a big hit there too, and it was lovely getting to go out and do things with people and Nikki being comfortable about it.  We've been out to restaurants in other towns, Nikki still harbors fears about the violence rations on trans people, so very much closeted in general locally still.  Nikki is definitely some kind of bigender, gender fluid, some word not yet put into use.  There are days where he's REALLY male inside and out, and days where he's REALLY female, inside and out, and sometimes cluing me in gets forgotten and it's sorta like a word puzzle, which mode are we in today?  I confess, some days I"m just really confused, but that's okay too.  I was really confused before I knew trans was a thing in my house, living with other people no matter what the details is one of the hardest things in the world.  One of the most rewarding too if it's a healthy, mutual relationship, be it family, roommates, freinds, lovers, spouses, whatever.  All the things they never told me about the art of living with other human beings though...
    It's kinds sad really, that anyone would think they have a right to care about what hes wearing/presenting/feeling to the point that they would commit violence. I don't get people.  I suppose I unconsciously expect others to behave like I do.  When I don't like a person or thing, I try to tactfully disengage.  I don't generally want to cause harm to people, and just generally want to go my own way.  I have brushed up against things in the world I don't want to be part of, but I respect other people's right to be and just want to find the nearest exit.  There's room for everyone but people who serially harm others. 
    I had a brief moment of insanity and printed out an extra copy of the professional cruise photos I was filling photo frames with here at home and gave them to my mom who is always bugging me for pictures (take and print your own lady!) and as usual no good deed goes unpunished.  *headdesk*  I think I still willfully blind myself to reality sometimes and expect her to act like a person, especially since I'd been forced to give up on dad and stepmom entirely.  Delusion, thy name is Briannah. 
    However, staycation is now over, and 10 hour days six a week (and eventually 7 a week) have begun, and not surprisingly Nikki is either working, eating, or sleeping.  I just try to be quiet and out of the way during this time of year.  It does get a little lonely, I admit.  My son comes over to watch movies with me often during this time of year so I have someone to talk to.    He's a good kid. 
    Aunt wants to do Tbird day (so sad, I make a better bird, and I LOVE turkey) because she does a lot of church things and doesn't want to have to cook on Christmas, so I sat down and webcrawled, and have finally settled on a holiday menu I'm going to test drive this weekend when a friend is visiting us to make sure it's as tasty as the pictures look.  Pineapple-brown sugar slow cooked spiral ham in the crock pot, sausage-apple cornbread dressing, french onion roasted red potatoes, steamed vegetables, and fresh baked rye bread.  I know, I skipped out on the yams, but mom is a diabetic in denial, and I think sugaring both potatoes and the ham is Really Bad Idea.  I used to be so busy trying to balance work, Grandma's care, and my home life that I just fly by nighted holiday dinners, then Nikki's dyshtymia took hold and it didn't really matter if i tired or not he was blah about it, and i just got lazy.  This year he's feeling so much better, I'm doing my level best to channel my inner festive and plan ahead and do something impressive. 
    And I've discovered pinterest!  There are cool things out there!  I know, I'm late everyone else in the world knows Pinterest.  LOL  But I just found it.  So now I'm knee deep in xmas decor projects to support my awesome dinner attempt.  Ambience!
    So that is what I've been up to, how have you all been doing?  Fill me in! 
  17. Briannah
    I keep seeing in group after group a demand to reject labels.  And I can't support it. 
    History has made me really wary of this idea.  In Europe, most people couldn't read.  It wasn't just the expense of books, it was a choice by their leaders that they should not.  And the spread of literacy across Europe did indeed change everything, and directly influenced the various revolutions.  In America, very few slaves were allowed to learn to read and write, only those that their masters deemed required to know to do the work that the masters didn't want to.  And were punished if they shared.  Illiteracy is a chain.  They didn't understand why it worked the way it did back then I'm pretty sure.  One doesn't have to know why a thing works to apply the knowledge, the observance of a result to pattern is enough to make it a behavior that is socially taught to our children.
    It works because there is a correlation between words and thought.  Literally, the more words you have, the deeper you can form your thoughts around anything.  This in no way implies that those with very limited vocabularies are in any way stupid, there are several factors that determine true intelligence, but if you had two brains with identical iq's (the ability to learn knowledge) and identical abilities to apply that knowledge, but a vast difference in the amount of words each was exposed to and learned, the one with more will be very much further ahead in terms of the complexity of the mental work.  It's how our brains work.  The more words we learn, the more concepts we have.  And because our brains are processors, that means the  more new concepts we can get to because we aren't working out the base concepts to have the thoughts.  It doesn't matter the language, the more words a speaker knows in his or her actual language the more she can do mentally.   This concept that people who don't speak english in our country are too stupid is idiotic.  That is an entirely separate brain issue. 
    So labels are concepts.  Where my life experience has led me to conclude we get into trouble with them isn't their existance, but how we use them.  They are a thing.  A label is a word with a specific ascribed complex meaning.  Organic - both a word in scientific terms, and a also a label to the health conscious counter with a related but separate meaning for example. (Which is also how it gets financially abused, when some marketers use one term to mean the other, example no hormones or anything but seed fed to the chicken, and the buyer conflates the meanings to be the ethical organic free range, which the marketer KNOWS and hides that free range is not this chicken's life).  Anything can be abused. 
    Labels can be abused on a mass or micro basis.  There are well known ones that send everyone into an instant rage.  I don't need to cite examples.  Their entire intended meaning is to cause harm to a group or individual.  However, that is not the inherent use of labels.  The inherent use is to convey complex meanings quickly, so that you can get on with the deeper concept you are trying to convey. 
    I think socially we have gotten away from communication and real literacy(exposure to a great many written words, there are now literally people who have a great deal of trouble communicating in non-'leet' speak for example).  We have started to demonize it, villify it, and abandon it.  I have seen people who can only type in 'leet' openly mocking the literate on an almost daily basis now for not understanding the world and being part of the 'advancement and change'.  And this movement to reject these things is a mistake.  These are the things that help us make the great leaps, help narrow the gap between the upper and lower classes, and help provide the famed American 'social mobility'.  Which is absolutely dying, we are slowly moving back to a 'lord and peasant' reality financially and socially.  And a big part of that is someone introduced this counter culture anti-word movement.  I don't know if it was done in all earnest good motivation at the start.  Look at the harm of the n word for example!  And these other ones!  Labels are bad!    And as I said, some are.  And some that are used every day that aren't culturally horrifying are also, like stupid(look at case studies of the damage it does to children being raised constantly told how stupid they are), ugly(there's a reason plastic surgery is a HUGE moneymaker), fat (think how harmful this is to our young people who are average size and weight and how often this leads to severe eating disorders).  Now, realize that kind, smart, generous, motivated, helpful, etc. are all also labels.  Transman or transwoman is a label, just like the tword. 
    Label's aren't bad.  It's what we DO with the labels that matter.  Accepting new labels and meanings is also critical to our knowledge and progress as a society.  Example - I often seen the statement "We need to do away with the gender binary and create a society in which all genders are acknowledged and respected'.  This requires words for all those genders.  People can't acknowledge or respect what they don't understand or conceptualize. 
    We need to expand our lingual base.  We need to stop being afraid of words, and start taking responsibility for the use of them.  Does the label political correctness mean anything to anyone reading this post?  Really think about what it means.  It's a way to sneer at having manners.  To sneer at treating people with respect.  Example: requiring people to say learning disabled instead of retarded.  One has a degree of respect and lack of insult the other doesn't.  African American instead of black.  African american has a connotation of a person who is of african ethical/cultural descent.  Black has a very complicated, often dehumanizing history.  I don't need to highlight the Transperson vs. xxx, but same effect.  When did treating people with basic respect and decency get reduced to a sneering 'have to be all politically correct now'?  When the majority solidarity in how to treat others started to disintegrate.  When I as a white, cis citizen tell someone who thinks any of the ethnical or social minorities in my country are not human that they are beneath me knowing and horrible people.  IT's a way out of the responsibility of their behavior to others, by trying to put the blame on me for expecting them to treat other human beings like...human beings.
    We need more labels, and we need the understanding of what they are, and that a label does NOT limit our growth ever unless we let them, either personal or social, it's a building block to the next growth.  We need to increase our understanding of how words affect the human brain and psychology.  Language is not just a convenience, it literally effects brain development just as brain development effects language, ti's symbiotic.  Look at the studies done on feral human children found who were raised without contact or language.  Every culture in the world has a language, right down to the most isolated pockets of people in the Amazon who are largely unaware of what the rest of us are doing.  It's an important part in our development.  It terrifies me to realize how common, and how insidious, this call to voluntarily restrict our own thinking and expression is becoming.  If a label makes people uncomfortable, we need to define why.  Some individual labels DO need to be put away.  But a great many more need to lead to a set of new ones to give greater cultural understanding to the complexity of the human condition and increase awareness of those conditions so they can be recognized and normalized into our society.
    This is why I will never agree with the people who say we need to do away with labels.  I feel we need to embrace them, understand them, and use them to reach greater heights in science, math, art, social equality, and technological advancements.
    Embrace new words.  Embrace new thinking.  Be aware of the effect of your words on others, and their words on you. 
  18. Briannah
    So my back is killing me today, I slept wrong the night before last or something.  You know, when you just wake up and your back says "#$&& no!".  My natural instinct is really to find a comfortable position that doesn't hurt, and stay there.  Until it heals up.  But what the doctor told Nikki last time he did this was that the fastest way to realign the back and heal the problems is walking.  And it's taking all my willpower to ignore my instincts and listen to her.  But every hour I'm getting up and waddling around the house whining about how sucky my life is today.  Nikki said it took a few days before it cleared up fully.  I honestly can't tell you if it's helping or not, I don't know if I just WANT to believe it's a bit better or it is. 
    I often face the same dilemna in my head, instinct vs. medical.  I know what my body dysmorphia is and what not to believe that it's telling me, but I still act on it all the same despite rationally knowing better.  Like the other day I only walked half normal at the park because it was homecoming and I was surrounded by gorgeous, symmetrical girls in pretty dresses doing photography, and it stirred up the obsession over every flaw and intimidated the hell out of me so I made Nikki take me home.  You don't win every day over your disorder, ya know?  Some days ya lose.  And that's okay, because I went back and plugged at it again.  I think people here can understand my feelings better than most.  I don't think it's the same, but I think there is a lot of crossover in emotional fallout of dismorphia vs. dysphoria.   And I understand Nikki and my freinds.  I may not understand the details, but I do understand pain.  And details can, and are, being learned.  It's funny how connected unconnected things are sometimes.
    And then I realized that I made progress i wasn't aware of again.  Because I did go back, instead of hermitting up for ages.  I didn't used to do that.  I used to lose the entire war, not just a day's battle.  And now I"m not.  I haven't won the war, but I did get a little closer.  And I put another brick in the wall that is my happy.  I"m not generally happy because it comes easy or naturally, I'm generally happy (with the odd rage or sad day, I have a lotta issues and ugly history still playing out in my head, let's be real) because I built the wall of happy.  One brick at a time, one think to elate over and then the next, and the next, til the wall got high.  Sometimes holes get knocked in my wall, and it's a terrifying moment where I think the whole thing is just GONE, but then I realize it's just a hole, and the rest of the wall is fine, and start patching that hole. 
    I didn't understand when I was young what people meant by happiness is a choice.  I didn't understand yet about pespective, choice, and deciding what I was going to obsess over.  I wasn't happy when I was younger, I was just kinda lost and no idea where to go to get unlost.  I was REALLY resistant to my doctors and therapists, because I had convinced myself they were wrong.  Like all teens/early adults, "I KNEW BETTER!".  Only I didn't.  They really did know better, and when I started to listen and try to understand what I was being told I got better.  And knew how to recognize the doctors and therapists who didn't understand what I was trying to relay to them from those that did and could help me. 
    Today I just need to focus on that wall, walk even though it hurts, and be a good turtle.  Anyone who reads this and it resonates, I'd be happy to help you find that first brick.  That first one, it's small.  It took me years to notice it.  The bricks get bigger, but that first one, it's tiny.  Easy to miss.  Mine was realizing I was good at organizing the group Assateague camp trip.  Everyone had fun at them (Save one guy that no one could save because he wouldn't tell anyone he'd never camped before and went on a fairly challenging environment island).   There were no problems, and I sorted it all out, got everyone their reservations, organized people into carpools so we had less vehicles, sorted people into tent shares so those who didn't own gear could partner up and enjoy the trips, and it all went well.  And things that didn't were minor, like me running naked out of a tent to get away from a snake.  *blushes*  Will NEVER live that moment down.  But they did get the snake out for me and searched every inch to be sure.  LOL   It was an easy brick to miss, overshadowed by the minor things that went wrong like that, and the time I accidentally took a camp shower in sun tea, or burned some food.  But once I found that first brick, I started to see more lying scattered around in my my head, and put them together to make a little wall, that has grown for years.  That first little victory and overcoming my add to get something done well, it was a real, tiny brick.  And it's still in that wall. 
  19. Briannah
    I was just watching a video on YouTube posted by Phil DeFranco's wife (he's a funny youtuber with a take on the news I often enjoy and watch sometimes) and she is describing a break in that had happened to them, and talking about it made her cry.  After we had the break in, I couldn't talk about it without falling to pieces either, and I wasn't entirely sure why, as we were not injured and yes we lost a lot of things, but we were okay and it was over.  Watching someone else struggle with the same feelings in a similar situation is really reassuring on so many levels.  That my reaction was normal, I'm not overly weak, not overreacting, not alone in having to get through the experience. 
    It's weird to me how wired my brain really is sometimes to find that much comfort in knowing other people react the same way, when usually I think in terms of my emotions are my emotions and they're okay whatever they are.  Apparently I have a subconscious or suppressed desire for external validation I don't really think about or address until it comes to me, usually by blundering into it.  This happened five years ago, and there are lingerings feelings and behavioral changes from it.  Like Nikki has to be home or close by home after dark or I get really freaked out.  If he's going to be upstairs sleeping and I"m still awake down here the lights have to be on so I can see and usually netflix is playing on his computer for me so I don't hear every little creak of the house and obsess over what that sound was.  i get weirded out when the motion sensor light in the backyard is on, although honestly it's sensitivity is crazy high, and we have bats, squirrels and rabbits all over the yard setting it off. 
    Everyone told me that Ohio would be so much better than New Jersey, but the bad things happened to me here, and not back home.  Which just tells my brain no where is safe.  Which is true, and it's good to be aware of that, but at the same time, we all want to FEEL safe in our homes.  X_X.  The wind is blowing something outside and there is a thumping and it's creeping me out right now, even though it's broad daylight and there is no one outside.  I know, because I checked.  Four times.
    I guess some things you don't get over, not all the way. 
  20. Briannah
    We'd finally gotten settled with a good doctor, who knows about Nikki's issues and has been great with both his and mine, and the main office is closing our town's location.  ARGH!  Finding the right doctor and getting a comfortable relationship going is HARD.  *headdesk* 
  21. Briannah
    Waiting for my hair to dry out, and then I'm putting the one thing about my physical form I feel good about into...Nikki's hands.  He's going to first bleach it, then dye it deep emerald green.  I'm finally going to have my dream hair, my favorite color, green.  I've been trying to do my part to help find the balance between Nikki's two sides, and have invited him as far into the girl world as I go, which isn't far really, when someone online is judging me purely on behaviors and interests they usually assume I'm male until it comes up and I realize it and say um...nope, sorry.  I guess I'm horrible at being girly, so I just go for being me and not giving a crap.  But sometimes I wonder if my lack of girlness is not helping right now.  But anyway, my hair.  So instead of going off on my own or calling one of my girlfriends I put the stuff in Nikki's hands and said let's do this.  I think he's kinda excited about that, and mentioned that he'd like me to do his (he's eyeing this lovely black shade with deep shimmery sapphire highlights we saw when I was picking up a processing cap for the bleaching).  I'm super excited!  I think it'll look great on him.

    I"m extremely nervous as despite all the color play I've done with my hair, I have never bleached it before.  I always just went with the subtler shades if I was lightening it (often used a blond dye in the winter to get my dark hair to something close to its summer red) or hennas.  Fairly gentle to the hair itself.  If my hair wasn't so dark I wouldn't do it, but it's really dark and gets darker with age and I'd like more than the really really subtle color it would have if i didn't bleach it. 
    So wish me luck!  And, hopefully, Nikki will have a blast.  Or at least not blind me with bleach in my eyes.
  22. Briannah
    So...making Nikki's computer dream a reality, which is the project I've been on since January pretty single-mindedly, has finally come to fruition today.  And those parts got here FAST.  Like laser fast.  So I cleaned out the dining room table so he has a work space (on the weekends that area is set up for gaming as there is a Friday night and a Sunday evening game), and he's like a little kind in a candy store right now.  It was worth every moment of locking myself in the bathroom at work to have a cry in private because it had gotten so crazy there.  I DID IT!  He's currently putting together his new baby, which is just like my baby.  Only because the parts aren't NEW NEW like they were last year he got his baby for about a $100 less.  Good bargain! 
    And...my silly little virtual reality dream?  Well, apparently only $600 stands between me and that.  They had a tester program on the website for the top of the line one, the Occulus Rift, and my computer is compatible and meets or exceeds all requirements.  So...yeah.  It's possible, and my virtual world can be expanded.  We each get a small entertainment stipend in the new budget, and I am stuffing mine exclusively into the savings account, because I want to be entertained with sharks in my computer room.  Cuz I'm a raging dork.  But I really LOVED that feeling of being there with the sharks, which I'll never know because my asthma makes scuba outta reach for me, as I"m not really willing to risk dying for it.  Some dreams ARE worth persuing at any cost, but scuba isn't it for me.  But the ability to see what I would see like that...and the Egyptian tombs they are filming now...oh total geek. AND they have a really kinda awesome tabletop style dungeons and dragons app for this thing, so that you can play with people all over.  How cool is that?
    On a more personal note, now that he's doing better from the dysthymia, which I am so grateful to his therapist for helping us sort out the complicated tangle of what is the disorder, what is current environmental, and what is childhood issues blocking him from the live he deserves to have, we are sorting out marital issues. 

    I"m pretty sure i kicked strait into "OMG must fix Nikki Mode" and while the issues were too overwhelming not to feel, my response was to bottle a lot and focus on what was needed rather than actually sorting through things inside.  But there has been five or six years of gradual disconnects that triggered MY issues, and sometimes I"m just sorta...lost in myself.  There are days I don't even know if I"m really me, because of all the adaptation and throwing out the window parts of me that didn't fit with the life i was trying to build.  There are days when I'm full steam ahead on something and blinded to everything else.  There are days I absolutely panic that the new normal for our marriage is going to fall apart again and I'm going to lose everything.  I'm messy.  I am really really messy. 
    BUT...now that he's better, he..I don't know how to phrase this exactly other than this...it's like he's remembered I'm there.  Like he'd forgotten while he was sick, but now he remembered.  And that is the start.  But he's still Nikki, and some of the disconnects and life choices are his personality mixing with mine, not all of it is our disorders.  So we're organizing.  Too many couples I know just let...life happen to them and don't do anything to manage their relationships as they go.  I'm going to learn from that.  We've set up a weekly 'serious' talk time, where we turn everything off, sit on the couch (preferably with a blanket under me, our couch is leather and it adheres to my skin in horrible ways) and we can both talk about anything, and the agreement is active listening, connection, and no one gets mad or defensive.  Or if you do, you squash it and try to think it through.  We set up a weekly game time for just doing something fun together, board games, d&d, card games, whatever.  And we set up a weekly movie night (on Saturday though, this isn't as inviolate as the other two if we are out doing a thing) to just sit on the couch and watch something together.  Reconnecting emotionally and rebuilding a slightly broken marriage. 
    And that's the lesson isn't it?  Things break.  Everything.  But you then make a choice after it breaks, you can throw it away and start over.  Or you can repair it.  It's always a choice.  We forget that.  I can't count how many times I've heard "it's broken, time to pitch it" and no question what would be involved in fixing a thing.  Anything that can be made can be repaired.  But the cost isn't always worth it.  Sometimes throwing a thing away is appropriate too, but if you just assume and don't make the choice...it's wasteful. 
    I could sit around, say there is nothing I can do, people just change as they go.  Let's be honest, there is even a neat little shield of a 17 year old secret I could hide behind and NO ONE would look at me funny.  I could be all the other relationships in my blood family and scream it's not MY fault til the end of time. 
    But I'm not.  Because..inside...I want more.  And these are the days I"m realizing despite all the poison I drank, all the horribleness I absorbed from them, and all the inner damage I'm still struggling to overcome from them...somehow I made it in some small way.  I'm not them, I got out, and I am going to improve things, instead of waving my hand in a 'what can you do' dismissive gesture.  Grandpa gave me wisdom, the knowledge, and the understanding that there IS more out there, that not everyone fails, and that the choices I will make every day, big and small, will matter and resonate the rest of my life.  My friends gave me the grace, understanding, and exposure to worlds and opinions beyond what I grew up with to navigate the hurdles in my marriage and my husbands struggle with depression and to adapt to who he is as a person, not who he told me he was.  I think I managed to be a better mother than my parents were, despite all the screw ups I made, and I let go and realize he's the one who has to live the day to day of his life better. 
    As much as I'm often not okay between the self-esteem issues, the dismorphia, and the struggle to interact gracefully with others thanks to the add, I'm also really okay at the same time because I'm doing it.  And when I die, despite the mistakes I made massive and small, I don't think I"ll be able to look back with anything but "I couldn't have done anything else than what I did, because every choice I made at the time I made it was what I thought would make things better!". 
    It cost a lot, but it was worth it.  So I don't have parents, okay.  I have Nikki.  I have my son.  I have my friends (including you guys!), and I have my self and my senses of right and wrong.  The bargain was made a long time ago, probably the day my son was born, I just managed to delay paying some of the bills, but now that they are paid, I realize trying to hold onto things that weren't really there wasn't helping anyone, and it was a good bargain.   That was the day I started turning my back on the narcissism of my father, the dead mushroomness of my mother, and started living.  Even though I had no idea where I wanted to go, I started going through any door I saw to get an idea what was out there.  And the mistakes were okay.
    Except, of course, that cheese mousse from the Princess cruise.  Trying that was just a horror story.  It looked like poop.  It smelled like poop.  I don't know why I put that in my mouth. 
  23. Briannah

    Haha! Turned tables!

    By Briannah,

    Since we have decided sharing closets works for us, I have made my self at home in his comfy black knit cargo shorts.  I LOVE these shorts.  Next spring I am planning to buy several more, as these are fantastic shorts that don't ride up indelicately on me like my shorts.  I like the longer length and bigger pockets than on the female version I have.  Nikki complains a lot that I absconded with his shorts.  But they are COMFY.  Oh my god comfy.  And he absconded with my sparkly butterfly shirt, so it's all even.  And when I took them off because I thought he was serious, he got all upset because apparently it's just fun to tease me about absconding and he thinks I"m cute in them and if I'm not actually wearing them, the game is over.  LOL  And I got to wear his Daryl Dixon shirt as penance for him teasing me.  *bliss*
    Seriously though I really need to buy more of these, but it seems wasteful to buy a bunch of shorts when it's getting cold outside.   But a nice gray pair would be lovely.  Anything that isn't white, white clothes and clumsy Bree never work out well.  At all. 
    The only thing we ever actually fight over is socks, because you know, the dryer somehow eats them and there aren't ever enough around no matter how many we buy.  Speaking of socks, I need to hit up the sports store.  They had these amazing "Cabin socks" that are cushy, warm, and amazing.  Ours are getting old, and I think a few new pairs are just what an Ohio winter is screaming for.  Neither of us are slipper fans. 
  24. Briannah
    So printer died a horrible death, moment of silence for my little desk friend.    Moment over.  IT was a fast moment, it wasn't that nice a desk friend.  Nikki and I can't be without a printer, we use it constantly.  So I ordered a new one, and we went to Best Buy to pick it up.  Now, Nikki just got to order the components to put his new computer together, the same one we built for me around Christmas, only he gets it $100 cheaper because prices go down with time.  LOL  So he was browsing around the store instead of heading strait to the customer pick up (I'm lazy, I like ordering online and making them get it together and picking it up at the desk, it also cuts out any attempts to alter my purchase and lets me read and research off the website about the item).  So I'm following him around, and i see a display.
    There was a pair of vr goggles.  These are not the expensive Occulus ones (Thought they are powered by the technology)  I'm not sure what brand they are, but they are the ones that work with the Samsun smart phone and you can sorta clip your phone to them.  They're white, and sorta ugly.  But I was curious and I picked them up, and held them against my face to see.  It took a minute to figure out how to get the demo to start.
    The demo starts.  It's a car racing through a tunnel.  Okay, whatever.  It's sorta neat, I don't see what the big deal is.  Probably great for people who like car games.  Then it announces something about underwater, and suddenly I'm standing under the ocean, and a NINE FOOT great white shark is gliding across in front of me.  Like maybe two feet away!  And it didn't look REAL exactly, but it did look almost real.  The textures weren't perfect, little details clued you in.  You could tell it was a video game sorta thing, but the feeling that you were standing IN THE GAME was so strong, that as I'm turning my head to follow the shark, and the view did follow my head movements really perfecting the illusion, I damn near jumped a mile because inches from my face was another great white facing me directly looking back at me that I didn't know was there because I actually could not see him until I turned my head like in real life.  I can only imagine what my face looked like to Nikki, I really had to remind myself the shark wasn't real, but I might have jumped. 
    It was AMAZING.  I can't even describe how blown my mind was by those sharks. 
    Then it switched to a space battle, and it really felt like I was one of those forlorn figures in the window watching an epic space battle in front of me, and I was thinking about the lives of the people in those ships, and wondering if they would come for me for a second. 
    Then I was in a bloodstream, as it displayed it's educational opportunities for visual learners.  And I love science, so I was completely engrossed in watching the red and white cells drift by. 
    After I put it down, my first thought was to an article I had read where they are three dimensionally filming Egyptian tombs so students, and probably virtual tourists, can be 'in' them and see them 'firsthand', and how very much I would love to do that. 
    My mind was completely blown by how amazing this technology I really hadn't thought much about actually is.  So...that is what I'm going to be saving my small entertainment allowance in the new budget for.  Because I really, really want a virtual reality headset.  For gaming.  For exploring.  For feeling like I'm out of the house for a little bit in the winter when I can't leave. 
    There was a Japanese animation show about a video game that was played in virtual reality a while back, called .Hack//Sign.  The basic story of the game is something sinister is happening and a player gets fully trapped in the game, and the show revolves around the events of trying to save 'him'.   (Spoilter - it's a female player, but that isn't revealed right away).  But through the show you get glimpses of the players lives, and why they are there, and why they form the friendships they do.  And one of them is a girl bound to a wheelchair.  She doesn't actually play the game, she just walks around in it.  Never levels, just...enjoys the feeling of the freedom she doesn't have in her actual life. It was a really powerful storyline, and I'm reminded of her as I wore those goggles and what this can mean to some people, where it's more than a game or a teaching tool. 
    It's been ages since anything reminded me of the sheer potential we have as a species to create and expand our world, both outside and internally.
  25. Briannah

    Autumn Sad

    By Briannah,

    Sometimes cliches exist for a reason, and as excited as I get when the pool goes up, as happy as I am in it all summer, I never really hit the full depth of how much that pool means to me as when I am facing the oncoming autumn and knowing it's about to go away for a long, cold winter.  So I'm frantically swimming as many days at the sky will let me, and trying to store away every moment of pool joy to mull over in my winter blankets. 
    And I'm reminded it's not just a pool.  It was a lifelong dream of mine to have my own, and a project that Nikki and I worked on together (and continuously work on making keeping it easier and better) to happen, but most of the work was from Nikki.  It was a great, big, huge gift to me because he loves me, and that probably makes giving it up each winter harder in my head than it needs to be for something that is just a cycle of the seasons, but I'm like that.  I"m looking at finding a way to haul a stupidly heavy table upstairs to the boy's old bedroom that has sorta been in flux since he moved out while we try to figure out what we want for the house to be the craft table (Nikki does models, we both sew a bit, I do origami, we finally decided we dont' have guests often enough to justify spending the money to create a guest room and we actually do want a craft room) instead of buying a cheap light one because that is the table I ate dinners, played games, made crafts, and just sat at and talked with my grandpa.  That and an old bookshelf he'd made in high school woodshop are what I have and remember him by.  Nikki never even hints at replacing it in the dining room even when he sees something he likes at the furniture store because he knows that table is NEVER LEAVING.  However, I am happy to put it upstairs, and it's even practical, because it's an old table I forget what ti's made of but highly heat resistant, Grandma didn't even have to put down trivets unless there was a table cloth, so it would be good for use with our glue gun and other heat-related projects. 
    I just sometimes need a tangible, real, touchable thing to go with my memories.  And sometimes that brain mechanism makes simple things like putting away a pool really, overdramatically sad.  At least I have Nikki and Halloween fun to bounce back with.  As I'm feeling stupidly resistant to my pool going I'm equally stupidly excited about Halloween.
    And then there is the practical habit we fell into this year, we talk in the pool.  After the swimming and the playing and the splashing comes the floating and talking about our problems, our worldviews, our thoughts, dreams, whatever.  And I realize consciously it' snot the pool, it's being in a place without distractions, so we've set up two weekly us times, one for fun and games and one for talking about everything, both of which are inviolate.  Because without that communication and connection, this marriage doesn't function well in a vacuum, and we both have a habit of being easily distracted.  Relationships are all about recognizing needs and weaknesses, and addressing them as much as they are about feelings.  I think we're getting massively better at this. 
    And I"m a huge fan of the antidepressant pills, probably because they got it right.  They didn't turn him into a zombie.  They didn't change him as a person.  They didn't make him magically happy.  What they did do, which I believe is the actually intended purpose, is fix the chemical balance in his brain so that he feels his actual emotions appropriately to what is going on around him.  He's happy when fun things are going on, he's sad when sad things are happening, he's angry when it's warrented, etc. etc.  Before he just didn't really feel...anything.  THose attitudes all over the internet STILL make me rage, you know the ones, "It's all in your head, pills are junk you just need to walk daily in the forest!".  While exercise is certainly part of it, and nature helps, neither is going to FIX HIS BRAIN.   Both of them have been incorporated into the Healthy Nikki Project, however, they couldn't fix what was wrong until the brains needs were addressed.  And I've got an endlessly simmering anger inside that he does feel ashamed of having dysthymia (a form of long term depression) and taking the pills.  NO ONE EVER should have to feel ashamed of a medical condition or the treatment for it (except maybe the cliche but actually true people who end up in emergency rooms because they lost 'things' in 'private areas', for the sake of all sanity the information how to be safe is all over the net!).  Making people ashamed doesn't help, it doesn't remove the problem from society, and it just makes it harder for people to recover or live happily (not everything can be recovered from).  Gah.
    Okay, I'm done free form thinking now, worked myself up into a rage on behalf of defenseless people.  LOL  WEll, at least it's not sad anymore, adn I think I"ll put on something bouncy like Insane Clown Posse (I know, I"m warped, but Halloween is in my brain) and do some housework or something productive. 
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