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Briannah

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  1. Briannah

    Still alive! :)

    By Briannah,

    Seriously, contrary to facebook rumors, Bree is alive and well.    It's just...summer.  I can go outside.  WOOHOO!  Winter gets very long when you are cooped up and can't go outside without entering the er from the cold-induced asthma attack.  Anyone here have asthma and know what I mean?  Not being able to breath very suddenly sucks.  So I have spent the last couple months outside with Nikki nearly continuously.  (Yes, we should all be worrying about global warming, our local weather has gone very strange the last several years, and continues to do so).  We cooked out, we swam, we chased pokemon all over the town, and we are having a great summer. 
    Hope you are all aslo enjoying the great summer! (or winter, if you are in the southern hemisphere).
  2. Briannah
    Just cut ties with my father.  I've talked about him and the complicated relationship before, and why I didn't really know what I was holding onto.  Well, he finally pushed that last button and I went nuclear.  He called me stupid again, which I'm used to really, over my belief that we have to do better as a nation to care for people.  There aren't enough jobs.  They are getting shipped overseas en masse.  The old get a job rhetoric is a joke, and there is no reason anyone should be homeless and starving in this country.  We have the ability to fix it, we as a society choose not to.  But to go on calling my son a loser over and over when he DOESN"T KNOW HIM pushed me over the edge. He has consistantly refused to talk to the boy on the phone or e-mail his whole life.   How on earth can he accurately state anything other than that boy exists and his name?  He doens't know it. 

    So I told him off royally, including the phrase "you need to learn when it's time to shut the eff up" I am so done.  From now on Nikki has stepped up to create the Great Wall of Nikki around me, and that man has lost access.  Because I am done.  Toxicity helps no one.  I know a lot of people here will understand, because it doesn't matter if the core issues is transgender or racism, the emotional fall out is the same.  The same ugly, the same judgement, the same crazy. 

    I need a hug.  This summer was going so well too.
  3. Briannah
    Had a crossroads moment, and finally ventured on to the harder path.  Helping Nikki deal with his issues and history is making me take hard looks at my own.  Some can't be conquered, but they can be mitigated.  Or at the very least, it can be said 'that was NOT okay'. 
    My parents are divorced, they have been since I was very young, around 4.  I don't think either were very happy in the marriage, but it ended because my father cheated on my mother.  And who outed him?  Me.  Yes, he was so interested in getting laid with his mistress (who was formerly a student in his high school history class, I'm told by those old enough to remember they all think the affair started after her graduation, but I can't say that as fact, I really don't remember) that instead of waiting til days when he had free time that didn't include watching me, he took me to her parents house (where she still lived) and left me alone in a strange house while he vanished with her.   It was frightening and confusing for little me, and I have never liked unfamiliar places since.  And of course it came out when my mom asked me what Daddy and I did that day.  I don't remember if I was instructed to lie or not.  The only parts of the story that were strong enough to impact on my young memory were being left alone in the strange place (stupid with a 3/4 year old in a house that isn't childproofed anymore) and nearly drowning in the pool because Dad wanted Leslie to lounge with him, and I do remember she thought she should be in the pool with me and that I was too young and they had a fight about it.  She was also the one that realized there was a problem and pulled me out when I had lost my grip on the floaty device Dad has given me.
    So flash forward to my teen years, and Dad and my stepmother both constantly explaining to me that the whole thing was my mothers fault, because she wouldn't go out drinking with him on weekends or the camping trips every weekend in the summer so Dad and his friends could photograph trains.  Um...they were parents.  Who both worked full time, and I already spent 40 hours a week with mom's parents or dad's grandparents (they alternated).  And I was pressured into agreeing with this Mom should have done whatever Dad wanted for the marriage and it was her fault he cheated on her indoctrination.  I never really agreed with it, but it never went well for me pushing back with Dad and stepmom.  And Dad is a big one for expecting people to face the consequences of their actions, until it comes time for him to do it, nothing is ever his fault. 
    So today I wrote out on Facebook where he will see it that it's never okay to cheat.  I didn't direct it at just him, I've hard this story multiple times from multiple cheaters, but its' really clear I don't believe any of them, including him.  I thought about protecting it so he couldn't see it, but no.  I'm done, and if my stepmom gets involved again with another e-mail I will enter the fight full on, but I have no real need to attack them, but they do have a clear understanding now that I do not and never did believe and am done with the bullshit.  They can choose to save face, and drop it for good (yes, they still reinforce the partyline 40 years after the fact, it's creepy I know). 
    So why did I write it out ant leave it public if I'm not actually looking for a fight?  Because I'm looking to work on me, and stop condoning things that really aren't okay, and to withdraw my previous complicity.   People always implied these moments feel good, and they really don't, they just feel kinda raw and vulnerable and I know unpleasant things are coming as SEVERAL of the people who fed me the spouse blame bullshit can see it, but I'm done.  Man up, woman up, agender up, whatever is appropriate and either fix or end the committed relationships and THEN seek out new ones.  It's not that freaking hard.  I've hard so many excuses, kids, financial, partners are fragile, but none of them is an appropriate reason to harm their families.  And I really don't know anyone who grew up with parents who did that who aren't harmed by it in some way, myself included.  I have yet to meet one who says "it had no impact on my understanding of commitment, honor, responsibility, and personal feelings about and in my family". 
    Meh.  Untwisting my past is hard.  So thanks for the trust issues you started there Dad, but I don't really want them and am trying to work them out of myself as much as I can.  Where we started is clearly not where we have to end up, or a board like this wouldn't even exist, let alone welcome me.  But I did open the can of worms, and now all I can do is watch them wriggle out and hope they have the sense to take the oppurtunity to go back to the dirt where they belong instead of trying to live in my head anymore.
  4. Briannah
    So I think summer has finally hit.  Or it's all a cruel, Bree-squashing joke of the weather and global warming.  But the pool is up, there has been swimming, Nikki's mood is lifting steadily as the Zoloft seems to be taking effect, and there is talk about getting the grill cleaned up and prepped for the season. 
    We planted one of those gorgeous Japanese Seiryu maples on the side of the house, please live little tree, take the transplant well.  Gave it root encouragement liquid (dunno what else to call it) and fertilizer and keep it watered while it adjusts to it's new surroundings.  If left to my own devices I'll turn that side yard into a little grove of nothing but small trees.  I have some sort of daylily I think growing along side the house, gorgeous purple flowers...that are too heavy for the stems and dragging on the ground, amusing Nikki.  Poor plants.  And the Great Detangling of the Honeysuckle must occur once I get off my lazy rear and go buy some new trellis to train it along.  I think it's time to get some lily of the valley planted.
    The overarching scent of my childhood is lily of the valley and honeysuckle.  It was everywhere in my grandparent's yard, and all the memories have that smell attached to them (Unless it was winter).  I love those smells.  It's funny how as children we are racing to get out into the world and away from home, then as adults spend so much time trying to recreate those childhood homes.  At least the plants were easy to care for ones, I'm Death Incarnate to roses and other fussy plants.  Nikki says they literally quail at the site of me at the store, he can see their quaking branches as I pass. 
    Things are very mellow here, he's happier than he's been in a long time, so I'm relaxed and able to focus on Bree things a bit, and only three more months of toxic job from hell for me.  Next summer is going to be even better when I don't have to go there.   
    SO we're all still alive and well here, just knee deep in getting everything set up for summer fun.  Now if you'll excuse me, I have got to go find something for this bug bite rash, they ate me while I was weeding. LIttle insect jerks who eat people alive. 
  5. Briannah
    Writing that was hard.  I tried to be overly articulate, and it was crap. I tried to write it like a report, and that was crap.  Finally I just freeform wrote it, fixed typos, and e-mailed it without reading it over and over and judging myself.  Writing it reminded me how scary a trip this all was, and also made me see how much progress I'd made.  I"m not angry anymore.  I'm still working on that full trust, but that takes time.  Admitting to my fears and problems with the things people have said to me wasn't scary anymore, it was just, this happened to me.  Do what you want with it. 
    I guess I really am doing as well as I thought, and writing a 'here is my story' helps me see it. 
    Off to bed now.
  6. Briannah
    Today is 18 years since that first date.  I took the day off, and Nikki took Sunday off, and we're going to have a three day weekend together.  I want it to be awesome.  I want him to actually enjoy himself, and have a good time, and to reconnect about something fun instead of trying to manage all the things going on, just for a few days.  Here's hoping. 
  7. Briannah
    As of August 31st I'll be going back to being a house turtle for Nikki.  Just knowing there is an end has lifted a lot of the stress of it all.  On top of my add issues and everyone thinking I'm stupid, there is a lot of bias because they're all Christians and I'm an atheist (something I did NOT introduce into any conversations, but my supervisor who is also my aunt did), I'm a liberal in a conservative group (same deal, I had no need to discuss things at work, but she apparently felt the need to announce my views for me), and there was an uncomfortable conversation with a coworker when I had finally snapped everyone should be treated equal and he said he bet I was the type to believe you could be born in the wrong gender too.  This was just before I found out about Nikki, and after finding out it's just really uncomfortable for me on every level there is, from actual work only where it's so disorganized and unstructured I never get anything right to the social aspect of it.
    And I still feel like everyone judges me for not being better at it, for giving up and taking over the home things and letting Nikki deal with earning a living, for whatever.  It's so socially trained in me that I have some sort of duty to do something 'productive' by everyone else's standards that now there is a sort of internal shame struggle that makes no real sense.  I suppose it comes from being out of step with everyone else my whole life, I just automatically assume everything I do is wrong on some level. Nikki has been great about it, and keeps reinforcing how important it is to him that I"ll be more available to him.  That helps. 
    Sometimes I just make myself crazy.   I'm torn between freedom from having to force myself to try to get it right and feeling like I'm letting everyone down.  Gyah. 
  8. Briannah
    We came away from Nikki's doctors today with the awareness that diabetes might be rearing it's ugly head, that part is pretty unpleasant, but on a brighter note we also came away with a prescription for Zoloft to help with the biological part of the dysthymia.  FINALLY!  I hope this stuff works, I hope none of the potential bad side effects manifests, I just want Nikki to be better.  And, in a weird way, I am happy it took this long.  The doctor was thorough making sure she's giving him the right prescription for the right reasons.  That matters hugely, I just sound ungrateful because I was frustrated and it's hard to be on the outside watching someone else suffer and you can't help.  It really, really sucks. 
    So today I"m pinning all my hope on this stuff, and maybe that's foolish, but it will or it won't work, doesn't hurt to be hopeful right now. 
  9. Briannah

    Well, crap.

    By Briannah,

    So.  Since we both have tomorrow off, and I was feeling the joy of having time to get some things done, and its' a gorgeous day outside, we decided to clear off the porch of all the winter and home improvement debris that has collected on it.  It was going well when we were moving the cardboard boxes off the porch to take to the van when we found...kittens.  Yup.  Six tiny little kittens about twice the size of a gerbil.  Have I mentioned my neighborhood has a stray cat problem?  So we called around, and the humane society's foster program is full, and the rescue has a $30 fee per animal, and I frankly can't afford a $180 bill for six cats that are NOT MINE.   Both my cats are male, neither had kittens, and both have been neutered and i have the vet records to prove it.  They are feral strays, but young enough to be domesticated, if someone would take them. 
    So now I feel bad because the plan is basically let the mother take them and move them to a new location, and they will grow up and have more, and our neighborhood will continue to be overrun by feral cats living short, hard lives.  The average lifespan of a feral cat is 5 years, compared one in a good home at 15 to 20 years.  And they are young enough that they wnated to interact with us, and could be easily domesticated.  I feel like I failed them, but there really isn't anything I can do.  We literally cannot feed them every two hours like they  need with our job schedules, so taking them in and finding homes for them when they are weaned to normal food isn't possible either. 

    Sometimes there is no good answer.    And of course Nikki is sad that I won't let him have the one that looks like Yuriko.  But we have four pets right now, and we need to keep reducing the number, not growing it both for our financial changes and consideration of people who have to care for them when we travel.  I still feel bad saying no though.
  10. Briannah

    Ugh.

    By Briannah,

    I do not have the time to have some kind of stomach flu on mothers day.  Must get my innards under control and soldier on.  People are expecting calls, and while I've hit the point I don't necessarily care anymore, I do care about not making my life difficult.  *headdesk*  My timing, as ever, is incredible.  Blow out my intestings adn surgery on the third of july, massive actual case of influenza (the real stuff, not the tummy kind) for my birthday and anniversary one year, stomach flus on christmases and thanksgivings, Dengue fever on a cruise...if it's  boring wednesday I have to work I feel great, if it's an awesome time to enjoy, sick as a turtle. 
    MEh.  *Slinks off to find some tums or something*
  11. Briannah
    So I'm writing this one slowly, trying to gather the whole thing into a coherent narrative for Erica Ravenwood.  Because when I was first struggling with my new reality, and it was scary and terrifying and I didn't know what was going to happen, I went looking for the stories of other people in my shoes.  But...they were stunningly hard to find.  And when I did find them they were usually stories told  years later after a long period of painful adjustment framed in such a way as to show that marriages can survive gender reassignment and that 'leaving was not an option' for these partners.  Which is good, important, but...where were the other stories?  The ones like me that didn't know what was going to happen, what they wanted to happen, stories talking about the process of finding out and dealing with the secrets, the confusion, balancing our needs vs. theirs...during the time with  all the flying emotions to help us feel normal and okay and have a direction where to go?  I'm really grateful to Erica for inviting me to put my voice there too, it is validating to know that the partners matter also and our feelings and life experiences may help both sides of the relationship coins for others. 
    So I tried to leave my voice on this site for others like me, and I will try to leave my voice on her site for people too.  Not because I'm special, I'm really not, I'm just a girl who loves her husband, son, animals, and all turtles of the world.  But because I'm not shy and I have no shame about any of this and think it should be talked about, and want to be there for the future Bree's to help them, and the future Nikki's.  Because calm Bree was way more helpful to him than flipping out falling apart Bree was.     Partner sections on transgender forums are SO quiet.  I guess I dream that partners, both men and women, will realize it's okay to talk to each other and find support and answers and just camaraderie like our transgendered mates do on these sites.  I think it would help partners a lot, but so many of us are almost trained to just suffer in silence when marriage isn't the perfect cultural model of it. 
     
    To be honest, throwing out that 'perfect' cultural model and letting our marriage evolve around our two individual personalities, including changing how it functions as we age and our needs changes, is what made it work.   We had a lot of talks before the wedding and after about defining what it would be for us, and dropping the cultural/media information about it, and we made a good go of it.  I met Nikki May 20, 1998.  Which was hilarious, as it was the same day of the year I met my first husband.  Apparently that is my 'marriage day'.  It's now 2016, and we're still going.  Problems come, problems go.  We get frustrated with each other, we support each other.  We drive each other batshit crazy, we make each other supremely happy.  The thing we don't do is be mean to each other, put each other down face to face or to others, or fail to prioritize us as a couple.  We learn what to do and what not to do from the examples of others, and we know when those examples don't apply to us. 
    Life is good, even with all it's uncertainties.  Now if only I had some breakfast.
  12. Briannah
    Between sitting on the sidelines while Nikki sorts out himself and our entire future, and watching my friend whose basically been soloing a marriage for years and a complete tantrum and horribly ongoing vilifying is thrown every time she points out her needs haven't been met in years because 'she doesn't understand what he is suffering' (while he continues to smoke, not do his therapy, not do his rehab physical work, and eat in ways that aggravate his illness daily), I've come to realize my earlier blog about being the partner sucks is only the beginning of what I'm starting to work through.  Not only is there an expectation that your needs will go on hold, there is a social vilifying if you don't live up to it.  People can and WILL call you selfish, evil, cruel, oblivious, and a whole host of other adjectives because you can't push the pause button on...being human. 
    And even as good as I have it, there are times I want to slap Nikki.  Yesterday was one of them, when again, despite all the bending over backwards I am doing to try to support all the things going on with him, he again went after behaviors I can't control for my add anymore than he can control his with everything from crossdressing to anxiety attacks.  I do everything from involving myself in the dressing and making fun happen to grabbing the meditative binaurial beats to help him relax in an anxiety attack.  And we have this conversation every three to six months that you live with an add person, this particular thing isn't a behavior I can control.  Why can't I get the same care I give?  ARgh.  It's frustrating, because I spend so much time learning where there is compromise with him and what isn't something he can help, and I realize I subconsciously expect he would be doing the same, but he's not.  Sometimes I honestly think that he so made a lifestyle of suppression after his attack that he only half lives his life, including knowing me.  
    But I still have it way better than some other partners I know.  And yet I hear mutual friends criticizing their support or perceived lack thereof of their varied physically and mentally ill mates, and I've come to realize there is this almost ridiculous perfection expected socially, at least in my area if not countrywide.  But I heard the same eye-rolling comments about things like this back in Jersey too.  "She shouldn't expect him to care about her day, he's got X issue!"  "How dare he want to go do something fun for a few hours, his wife has X, she needs him at home!"  And those are just the more subtle examples, it gets uglier. 
    Not being in a current crisis state or healthy doesn't mean invulnerable.  It doesn't mean all the burden.  These people have needs that should be met also.  I'm just starting to percolate all this.  I have no idea what the human emotional mechanism behind all this is, but I'm tired and frustrated and really really tired of being told that there is something wrong with me or I'm not a good person/partner because I expect support back and to also have my needs met.  Or for having limits how far I can change myself for the sake of a marriage.  Even with my admittedly overly adaptive personality even for me there are just things i can't jettison and alter in myself, or i don't think I'll even be human anymore.
    Of course, I'm putting most of it on hold while he's dealing with the depression and ptsd from the assault, but I still can reasonably expect him to not hold my disorder against me and that he will actually work to get better and not make this a lifestyle.  This current place we're in being a part of healing, fine.  Six months, a year, whatever.  It takes time to work through things, I know this.  But if he became like some of the other people I know who just live in this all about me and make a crisis a lifestyle, I couldn't live like this, and I couldn't even imagine expecting anyone else to.   Just yeah. 
    Still working through my emotions and my place in this marriage I guess.  Some days really get so subsumed by Nikki that I actually forget i feel anything until it smacks me in the face. 
    Thanks for listening, there isn't really much anyone can do about this I guess. It is what it is.  I"m going to work now.
  13. Briannah
    Nikki is going through some serious painful topics in therapy, nothing I can do.  Not a thing.  He has to sort all of it out, and it will be good for him, but I'm not stupid, he's hurting and nothing I can say or do can take that away until he works through it all.  I'm here, ready with the comfort and the hugs and the reinforcement, but that only goes so far.  I suspicion everyone here knows that.  The sheer helplessness sucks.  I WANT to be able to help him, to make it all better, and make all the ugly past go away.  The only thing I can do is step back, and let him guide me in what he wants and needs from me right now. 

    Being the partner sucks.  It was easier when I was the one dealing with my disorders/history, I didn't have to stand by helplessly.  I guess he felt like this when I was struggling.  Love isn't always joy.  Sometimes it's just suffering together through life and all it's mess.
    Feeling frustrated and helpless is such an unpleasant combination.  ANd he keeps APOLOGIZING to me about it.  He has nothing to apologize, he's doing what he needs to do to heal so that we can have our happily ever after.  He didn't choose any of this, and I'm not a fair weather wife who can't handle feeling frustrated and helpless for a while.  The fact that I feel that way is because I love my Nikki. 
    I'm going to go kill things in a video game now. 
  14. Briannah

    Switch flipped.

    By Briannah,

    Now I'm clam and zen, because NIkki is dealing with some really hard deep inside personal issues iwth his therapist, and he needs me to be okay right now.  So I have since righted myself and gone back to practical one thing at a time mode.  It helps that I see the exit from Hell Job now that they have hired and are training my supervisor's replacement.  So she won't be there to guilt me into staying longer.  Relatives have that power sometimes, especially since you still want someone to come to Christmas dinner.  Summer starting is helping me relax and just do what needs done so that I'm calm and together for Nikki. 
    I would take it all away from him and live with it myself if i had to so he didn't have to deal with anything but the fun stuff, but I can't. 
  15. Briannah
    I thought I was doing better, then I came home from work today, and there it was, on the table, Nikki had picked it up. 
    The box.
    My cat is in a box.  And I'm just losing it all over again.  Because the reality that my cat is IN that box.  And that there will be more boxes as time goes by.  I think I tried to bottle it up too hard to be there for Nikki, to be calm and comforting, and the reality of it came crashing down with that box. 
    It's a nice box.  With a plaque with her name on it and the day she died.  And a little round plaque with her paw prints on it.  That they made after she was gone, but still.  It was her last little gift to us, that impression of her little paws.  That box is going to bother me for a long time, but time will fix it eventually.  Now if you'll all excuse me, I'm going to go and hug my cat whose still with me and try not to think about future boxes as hard as I can.  And I ate some fudge.  It helped.  Didn't fix all the feels, but it did help a little bit.
    Hugs to all of your, hope the world is being kind to you all.
  16. Briannah
    Seriously, some days I don't even know.  Nikki has gotten a diagnoses, so that's good, however, he's been on a roller coaster of moods because next she wants to talk about the childhood abuse.  So from moment to moment I have very little idea what is going on in his head right now  and keep 'stepping in it' as it where.  I wish I was better with the random, he needs support not clumsy right now. 

    The dog comes in last night, and apparently found something that died horribly and instead of avoiding it like a normal mammal who possesses, you know, A NOSE, she in her infinite doggy wisdom decided to ROLL in it.  So it turned into some sort of Benny Hill/Three Stooges chase scene comedy crossover with us trying to herd her into the shower and keep her from touching ANYTHING and spreading that hideous smell around the house.  Nikki took one for the team and got in with her and scrubbed her down good while I gagged and struggled not to lose it.  Very susceptible to smells I am.  And it was horrid.
    So my Mom, instead of calling the doctor when something starts to go wrong like a normal person, AGAIN waits until it has reached a crisis point and is in the hospital for pneumonia.  And I am too tired to care to be strait up honest.  She bring it on herself, and there is nothing more I can really do.  I sometimes honestly wonder if she has some sort of Munchhausen's weirdness going on.   So of course other family members are crawling all over me because FAAAMMMILLLLY and she's my MMMOOOTHHHERRR like she actually ever did anything but read crappy romance novels until I pestered enough that she would finally make some food, and that was what passed for raising me.  And spent my entire adult life bitching because I didn't let a failed marriage destroy my desire for happiness like she did and continued dating which she told me was 'stupid and I should have learned better from my divorce' and really resented me for doing well and having nice things with Nikki.  *headdbang*
    But Nikki took me to the zoo and I FINALLY got to see the new sea turtle that I have been trying to visit for a year, the one he bought me a zoo pal support membership to help care for her costs and put my name on a board for Christmas, and she looked back at me, and we had a moment.  It was magic.  Nikki had a fairly good time even though we were only there for like and hour and a half, but he likes it when I get super excited and lose my mind over the animals at the zoo.  AND THEY HAVE A TOUCH TANK NOW!  And it has my favorite thing ever inside, rays!  The most adorable little brown bat rays, omg so soft like stingrays and amazing little guys.  Nikki made a Jurassic Park 2 joke about me always having to touch things, and well, yeah!  LOL
    Got SUPER frustrated with Nikki when I just wanted a simple yes, please budget so we can to go the TransOhio symposium or no I'm not interested.  I know depression makes even simple things complicated, but I just wanted a yes or not answer.  Settled for him sending a bunch of questions about the event to the person who mentioned it to us to see if it's a thing he'd like to do. 
    Then got my monthly and hit full on hormonal CRAZY levels, which rarely happens to me, but I'm under a lot of stress trying to get everything together by August. And I just had a quiet meltdown.  Nikki is used to my meltdowns being dramatic nuclear bombs, and it took him a minute to realize something was off, and when he asked I just lost it and started hysterically freaking out about all the financial issues, health issues, and how overwhelming it is and how unqualified I feel to do anything about any of it and how lost I am in it all and he just took over for a while, and calmly solved the problems, and reminded me alot of the solutions were mine and I'm good at handling things I'm just feeling a little crazy right now.  And crampy.  And not sure if it isn't the cystic kidney disease that is cramping, they're in a weird place, I might be bursting another cyst, in which case I'll be lucky to be walking around tomorrow. 
    Then we went and grocery shopped, got a lot of fruit and some veggies, less junk, and he put into motion some food change plans we created to save money AND eat healthier.  And we replaced the patio set in the backyard like we decided last year.  My best friend is going to take the old one and get it new cushions.  I told her she can expect delivery next week, she invited us to play games and hang out since ti's been AGES.  She told me yes, she envies the hell out of me even with all the issues I'm facing (the depression is SO scary) because at his core Nikki is always thinking about me and trying to work with me, and her husband isn't like that.  And that spending time with us being affectionate and fun together makes her happy.  And she promised to spend more time in my pool with me this summer, SCORE!  I love company in my pool. 
    So upside again, I have a lovely new set.  We picked the table from one, and the chairs from another.  We're kinda picky, and we hated the table that came with the swivel chairs and we hated the chairs that came with the round faux tile mosaic topped table we liked, so mix and match it is.  And miraculously it all fit in the minivan we forgot to take the back seat out of.  LOL 
    Had a long talk with my best friend(not just about the furniture, I swear!), Nikki's coworker with his blessing, and told her everything that's been going on, and it was a great talk and she understands my fears and thinks I'm dealing well with all the crazy my mom is inflicting and we talked about her issues and just had that kind of talking about all the bad things but feeling better about it cuz your with your best friend kinda thing.  Came home and made pizza with Nikki, who then went to bed starting his new getting more sleep regimen to support his recovery.  She was immediatley worried if she'd offended him with anything she was working on for her transgender paper for one of her classes, shes' studying nursing.  I told her nope, he was just scared she wouldn't like him anymore, and she said he's silly, she loves us. 
    So right now i have zero idea what I'm feeling, sorta internally being pulled in many directions, but one constant remains, our asshole neighbors are watching my front thinking we're going to put the old set they keep trying to take because we 'don't use it enough' and they're finally going to get it free.   I hope they stay up all night waiting to grab it.   Mean Bree laughter.  Seriuosly, they once came to my door announcing they were going to move it to their yard since we 'didn't use it enough'.  I was VERY CLEAR that was so not happening.
    I think I need a slice of the fudge I bought at that zoo.  Fudge is magic, it will fix everything.  Don't tell me if it won't.  And soon it will be time to put the pool up. SO excited!  Pool is magic too. 
  17. Briannah

    So. Much. Change.

    By Briannah,

    There are huge, sweeping changes we have to make to our day to day lives.  Me exiting the working force changes our financial bad habits, and getting those under control is never easy.  All the prep work I have to do to exit the job for the person after me.  Supporting Nikki's depression recovery required a lot more changes.  Meeting his desire to change his poor social habits still more.  Figuring out how to fit girl time into all this crazy.  Trying to overcome the dysmorphia and bad health habits. Sometimes I just don't know what to do with it all.   It's not a fear or panic attach, it's just a sort of...quiet nothingness in my head as I stare at all the work and have no idea what to even pick up.  I'm just sorta frozen and unmoving. 
    And sometimes Nikki can be mean about things.  I was trying to talk to him about some of the changes and he tried shaming me instead of dealing with the actual issue.  Which didn't feel good at all.  Especially since it was something I had asked for help (from him too and didn't get it) to overcome.  He apologized right away, but that unpleasant feel lingers.  And then there is the feeling of it's not really fair to ask too much while he's fighitng off such big things to get better. 
    Some nights I"m just... a small turtle.  Tomorrow I'll make sure to be a tortoise again, but tonight I'm just a tiny turtle whose not sure where to go or how to get there.  And that's okay too.  I don't think anyone else has all the answers either.  So it's okay when I don't. 
    I feel better talking about this.  Thanks for listening, I"m going to bed now.  *hugs all around*
     
  18. Briannah

    Rough week.

    By Briannah,

    So last week sucked, lost our Yuriko.  The day of her vet appointment she was having seizure after seizure and we knew we were definitely taking her to the Final Visit, no hail mary last minute outs for my little kitty girl.  The offspring met us at the vet's to say goodbye and be with her as she went.  Horribly painful thing to do, but watching her the way she was was worse.  Nikki has been incredibly down and not much I do can help until time does it's work here. 
    Talked with Nikki about my stresses about going back to housewife, and he calmed my freakout that he secretly hated me and the lifestyle changes we have to make to support it.  A lot of them will actually be supportive of getting healthier in general, so he's perfectly happy with it and having access to me at all times he's not at work.  I believe he's lookiing forward to having full weekends with me again instead of just one day a week where he has to get up early the next day so sleeps part of it away. 
    I'm getting excited as the appointment for the antidepressants gets closer.  I have no firm expectations, but there is a hope that my happy bouncy Nikki will come back a little bit.  Depression can be contagious, and I'm working hard to keep my own self internally healthy so that we don't have two big Depression issues going on at the same time. 
    Things between us are almost back to where they used to be.  I have adjusted to the changes in our life, and the only thing standing in the way now is his depression.  Oh, the corset is on the chair.  I think I'm about to be squeezed into his corset, he wants to see what it dose for my hernia if it's better support for the hernia than the girdles.  Obviously if it is good and works, I will pretty much only be doing that when he's going to be home to both get me in and get me out.  I am aware that people DO manage to get into and out of these things alone, however, I also know I am inherently clumsy with hand-brain issues and I can't even tie a simple bow behind my back for my jumper dress, let alone pull and tie a corset on. 
    Relief, no, my turn in that thing is soon but not today, as I already expressed some abdominal irritation to him.  It's going on him.  Isn't that silly that I'm scared of corsets?  I think I still have a Victorian crazy image in my subconscious that I'll be laced in so tight I can't breath, and I know rationally Nikki would never do that, but rooting out subconscious stuff isn't a simple thing.  I might have agreed to let him order me a decorative one for intimate use like an idiot, but he tries to make all my wishes happen, so I can wear one for that without fainting for him.  I'm not entirely convinced the second surgery, when I decide it's a good time to have, is going to completely fix my issue so supportive garments are probably going to be a lifelong choice.
    Excuse me, I have to go assure my dog the mailman STILL is not here to murder us all and she can stop barking now please. 
    Wouldn't I be surprised if he ever did?
  19. Briannah
    Just thinking about where i am today with Nikki.  THis is probably rambly and nonsensical as my add levels are high today and it's hard to focus.  It thought writing may help, but now I'm not entirely sure.
    So after a crazy whirlwind of two months, things have settled down greatly, progress is being made, and that feeling of living in a crisis (as far as Nikki is concerned, don't even get me started on the cat or the yard or house maitenance!) has mostly dropped away.  Both of us are occasionally getting some weird mood swings, but they're not horrible and we just get though them.  I saw an interview with Helen Boyd and they asked her what advice she would give someone..well...someone basically in my position, and it was "Fasten your seat belt!" Man was she ever right.  Most often now though it's just fun, and trying to balance "what items do you NEED vs. WANT cuz we is poor right now?" 

    There was shock.  There was anger and betrayal.  There was spirally crazyness on both sides.  There are serious mental health issues in the mix on both sides (OMG mixing the usually anchor person who is suffering depression with the flaky attention deficit disorder partner is so NOT going well on the day to day chores front, but we're starting to get it back under control).  It sounds like a recipe for disaster, and anyone in the future reading my blog who might be in a position like me, here's something you should know.  It's only a recipe for disaster if you add the final ingredient...and that is...wanting it to be. 
    If instead, you want to learn what is happening, and work with your partner to find places that work for both of you, it also opens up communication like never before, and in our case, learning to meet each others needs, not just Nikki's like a lot of the narratives you'll see online, and our marriage ended up in a better place.  Yes, my husband enjoys wearing women's clothing, and that's fun for me too.  I like it.  When he's under any major emotional stress it goes from enjoys to needs, and that is okay too.  I am learning to recognize I want to have some girl fun with you Bree from OMG CRAZY STRESS HELP ME.  We ALL have our crutches under stress.  One of mine is to disappear for a while at one of the places I spent a lot of time with my grandfather to calm down.  There are a few places I haven't told Nikki about so I have a bolt hole where no one knows where to look for me even now.  Probably a bad idea in a crazy world with creepy people though.  Our life and our marriage didn't end.  As far as crossdressing, I kinda don't get why so many people freak out about it.  It's just clothing.  90% of crossdressers stay that way according to my reading.  And you wont' find a lot of narratives for them, they aren't online talking about it.  They have their personal family and friend supports, and most of them aren't really struggling with it beyond wanting to talk about ways to further the illusion or discuss makeup and fashion.  Because most of them aren't unhappy.  So I'm leaving my narrative here for you as best I can.  I looked for the narratives, and there are some, but not so many.  There are a great many websites claiming there are no perks to your husband being into crossdressing, and that depends entirely on you spouses.  I have found fun, laughter, bonding, theatricity, openness, communication, and adventure in my new life.  I really enjoy these things, and am enjoying sharing it all with Nikki more than I can say.  Do I have fears?  Of course.  But I wouldn't ever ask him to stop the fun because I occasionally get scared he may change his mind about trying to be a woman in the future.  If that road comes I'll walk it as best I can.  There really isn't another choice at that point.
    And yes, that other 10% is kinda scary.  Future reader, maybe you'll be facing that 10% that it doesn't stay clothing and fun and shared activities that then go back to what you consider the normal marriage.  And my heart goes out to you, that is a lot harder water to navigate.  I can't help you much there unless my own circumstances changes with time and I have to confront the harder realities and choices down the road.  You're entire romantic and sexual roadmap are being drastically altered, and it's not as easy to find support as it is for the person with the gender dysphoria, but you can find it.  This is a great place if you are reading this! 
    I wish all of you who will become 'me' in the future the love, laughter, and compassion from your spouses that mine showed me while I was navigating my fears and learning what it meant for my life as he was and is doing the same. 
  20. Briannah
    Sometimes I just don't feel appropriate emotions to what is happening.  My best freind's husband is on suicide watch, and I really care for her, but not so much for him anymore.  He doesn't listen to the doctors.  He treats her like crap.  He makes no effort to get better, and spends a lot of time telling me how awful a wife she is, bragging about the time he had an affair, and other things that I honestly would have divorced the dude over, but she just sighs and says that's how he is.  She deserves so much better, but nothing I can do about it. 
    I really don't want her to be in pain, and I don't wish ill on anymore, but I just can't muster it within to really CARE beyond about her needs, ya know? 
  21. Briannah

    Reflective Bree

    By Briannah,

    The first time I realized that being a girl was different than the boys was when I was in fourth grade.  If I remember right, that made me around 10?  11? 
    Growing up, I had a big group of mixed friends.  I liked the games, toys, and kids in both sides of the fence pretty equally, and never really thought much about any differences other than for whatever reason the other girls and I weren't allowed to run around topless in the summer like the boys, even though we all looked the same there, and I knew the differences on the bottom, we all shared.  Kids get curious, and they have seen the other options in most cases. 
    Then fourth grade hit, and the music teacher came in for glee club recruitment.  We had a choice of glee club or study hall in the classroom with a teacher.  I hated music class most days.  Because I hate singing.  I really really hate to sing.  I have a really unpleasant singing voice (and really odd speaking one) and always have.  My throat hurts when I sing.  I really dislike it.  So of course, I didn't raise my hand.  I was the ONLY girl (apparently in the history of that school, not just in my class) to not raise her hand, and about 7 of the boys also didn't.  I got taken out to the hallway by my teacher, and he tried to strongarm me into joining.  I refused.  The music teacher joined him, I still refused.  I got sent to the freakin' principal's office, with all three adults pressuring me to join, and threatening to call my parents.  It was early in the year, so safe to say, I WAS TEN YEARS OLD.  I caved.  I wish, going back, I could tell myself not to, it did set a pattern of caving to things like this, and that was hard to break later, but I was ten and frightened by the pressuring adults.   I wish I could whisper in that little girl's ear "Remind them they taught you that everyone is free to make choices and pursue happiness, and you are free to not sing!"  But I can't, and I joined the glee club.  I lip synched, even though I didn't know what it was called then.  I was bored outta my mind and miserable, always in trouble for moving around to amuse myself.  But most of all I hated being there every minute.  Just being there reminded me I had no power over even small things in my life.
    But there was one thing I realized that day aside from the fact that it was apparently critically important that I stand on that stage and do next to nothing.  And it was that not ONE of boys even got asked a second time if they were sure.  Not one.  And that really upset me, and it scared me, and I didn't know why.  I didn't know why the boys weren't put through that, and I knew it was unfair, but I didn't know why it SCARED me that that they weren't. 
    It wouldn't be until fifth grade, when the music teacher was annoyed that we weren't getting something right in practice and she yelled at us "Anyone who doesn't want to be here you know where the door is!" and I bolted to the sound of her yelling "Not you <Lastname>".  But it was too late, I had my shot at getting out of this and I took it.  And I ran to my classroom.  I was kind of close to my fifth grade teacher, she was actually the twin sister of my third grade teacher from another school, and after a week of confusion in my first days in fifth grade, we got on.  Apparently her sister said I was a nice student.     So when I arrived at the classroom she asked why I was there and why I was upset, and I told her, and she sorta sighed and explained some of what had happened.  That the world expected all girls to be the same, and that by not wanting to do something that was expected, people would try to force me.  She then talked about the women who stood up for voting rights, Rosa Parks, and other figures I forget now and explained to me that I didn't have to, but it would take a lot of courage to say no and stick to it, and I should practice learning that.  All people being equal was a lie in history lessons.  One of the boys sat with me and told me it was the same for him, not about singing but about other things, because he was black.  I was equally horrified for him.
    It wasn't the last lesson I'd ever learn about the world being determined to force a difference on men and women or people from different races and their choices in society, but as they say, you always remember that first one, whether it was a good first like that first love or a horrible one like this.  I remember that time often, especially lately when someone tagged my name in a photo posted by that teacher and I saw him collecting praise from a lot of students.  I blocked him and moved on, but I will always remember he was the first person who took away my choices solely because I was female. 
    I think sometimes talking to that boy, and learning it was the same feelings for him even if the details are different, are why I never really joined the 'revenge on men' stuff some of the really crazy feminists pull.  I don't need revenge, it won't change the past, I just want to be free to make my choices by skills, talents, interest, and ability to engage in the option, and not by my gender, race, or any other classification.  As much as we like to tout freedom for all in America, none of us really are, until we all start just looking around at everyone and seeing other human beings.  Meh.
  22. Briannah
    SERIOUSLY I hate my job.  Nikki did the math, and barring any unforeseen financial emergencies (I can hear the peanut gallery laughing at the girl who thinks life is going to cooperate and nothing major will break in the last five months) it's looking like August is my exit day.  This week was just stupid.  Paperwork going wrong, customers being weird, half the people on vacation, half of who was left getting seriously ill.  If I have to forcibly tell one more person "I am reception/accounts recievable, I actually can't tell you what is in stock, what the pricing is, or when a tech will be available, you will have to leave a voicemail to get help!" and get "I'm sure you can help me!" I"m going to hide under my desk and weep sadly.  Cuz you know, I have nothing better to do than lie to people about my super amazing telepathic knowledge of where the techs are hiding! 
    I did get a lot of work done this week though with less people dumping still more stuff on me, that was pleasant.  Looking forward to my one day a week off with Nikki tomorrow.  I need down time. 
    I watched Hateful Eight with him yesterday, I admit I was curious to see it, the trailer looked like it was going to be somewhat funny.  However, I went in assuming Tarantino would fail to entertain me, and I was right.  I recognize the mans movie making skills, he does amazing shots and really good technicals, but his stories just fail to engage me.  Nikki loves them, he really really loves Tarantino so getting me to agree to sit down and watch with him (mostly because I really love Kurt Russell despite the really scary mustache) was fun for him.  Tomorrow we have Vin Diesel's Last Witch Hunter (Vin Diesel rarely fails to entertain me, I love that voice) and Insurgent that I picked out, and Ant Man that Nikki wanted to see.  I expect very little of Ant Man, no pun intended.  LOL  I was really surprised I liked Divergent as much as I do. 
    So life is settling down, and Nikki told me to switch my main focus from researching our future with his dressing needs since we've worked out a pretty good system that makes everyone happy, and to start researching depression.  X_X  Okay, so...it's been years since I dealt with it really, surely there has been a lot of progress and new understandings and stuff...and....nope.  So far not coming up with anything I don't already know.  Every article I read on the science of it to the supporting your spouse who suffers from it is pretty much what i already know and do.  I'm sorta disappointed.  I was hoping to find new things I could do to help I guess.  The CD stuff was easier, I could buy him things, come up with new girl/girl role play scenarios, shop with him, watching makeup and other tutorials, get involved.  Depression doesn't really let that happen.  Sure, I'm engaged with him in everything else, but this one there's not so much I can do and he's going to have to fight through it internally.  Meh. 
    It's surprising how much difference not going on a cruise this year made.  We hadn't realized how much the destress of a week of no worries other than what do we feel like doing/seeing/eating right now helps after the long overtime season and cold winter cabin fever months.  We're going on once next year that is going to be a challenge and a half on it's own, Nikki's family is going with us!  At least his dad and stepmom are.  His dad's great, but his stepmom can be...strange.  Like she gets really weird about odd things.  A good example was it was someone's birthday, and they went to a seafood house because the birthday person loves seafood.  Nikki hates it, he ordered the steak.  And she freaked out that he didn't choose some sort of seafood at the restaurant.  And they constantly have to have us doing something, they spend so much money.  I tried to talk to them about it, Nikki would like some time to just hang out and talk to his dad without being involved in some over the top activity, and she was very firm about how ungrateful I was being.  Ri-ight.  I gave up.   So I anticipate some real challenges regarding shore excursions and meals on this trip.  One thing Nikki and I agree on firmly is that the ONLY person who will be sharing a cabin with us if he's able to go is my son.  We are not taking on any of the couples in the family if anyone gets bright ideas.  Nikki would probably deal with it better than I would since it's a family norm for him, but I would go nuclear without a retreat space.  I didn't even want to share a cabin with my own mom.  It's not a space thing, I'd have no problems in a four person room with Nikki and two of a list of my friends.  Purely a personality issue. 
    When we went on the whole family trip with my family, I learned 'how bad can it be, it's a cruise ship!' in the middle of the week when I went absolutely volcanic on my aunt after she was stupid about something to Nikki.  I was in the  middle of paradise screaming my fool head off.  LOL  My aunt was stunned, my mom was trying to be invisible, and my grandma tried to control the situation until I turned on her and started screaming still at full volume and she realized I Was Done and retreated to the bathroom to wait for me to leave.  My other aunt came into the cabin and tried to get involved and her husband yanked her out saying "I have no idea what Jan did, but that girl is ready to eat you for lunch too, let's go dear".  LOL  Then I stormed out and went back to my cabin and my mom called about 20 minutes later and asked Very Cautiously "Am I allowed to come hang out with you guys or not?"  LOL  She came down and found out what actually happened and was all "oh..."   Aunt who had been bitchy was Nikki's best freind for the rest of the damn cruise.  LOL  Nikki has had a shouting match with her in the past too...she means well, but she's one of those people who thinks her way is right for everyone and has no shyness about trying to force it on people for their good.  Nikki's family has even more people like that...so I foresee needing an escape haven.    The worst part is it was my bright idea to invite them.  Ya'll can believe i"m going to try to budget hard and see if we can't afford two cruises that year (it can be done with a really good sale.  And we drive down to the ship instead of flying, so that decreases the cost by $500 to $1000).  One year with a really good sale we literally spent $1992 total.  That included the crusie tickets, tips, soda cards, hotels, gas, parking, food on the trip, spending, and shore excursions.  I kept track becuase I was curious how small I could make a week in the Caribbean.
     
  23. Briannah
    The most important thing about today is its Nikki's birthday!   So obviously an important day to me.  I took him to lunch at Pizza Hut and we splurged on brownies.  No diets on birthdays!  Lol.  Right now he's playing the video game I got him Knights of Azure.  He was really interested in it for the female/female love story so I knew he had to have it!   It's cute so far I'm watching him play chilling out with my IPad.  He likes it when I hang out in here with him vs going to the computer room.     
    Work is crappier than ever but the math seems to be five more months maximum.  Thank goodness.  I'm so lucky Nikki values my welfare more than eating out as much as we do.  Time to start cooking again!
  24. Briannah
    So...I'm starting to feel like some kinda superhero or something.  Nikki was messaging me all day, he's really upset about how the cat is doing, she's hasn't been eating and getting skinnier and skinnier.  So I told him stop at the pet store and get kitten canned food.  Which he couldn't find, so we settled on Iams.  The reason I was trying to find kitten specific food is that it has a much higher fat content to it, and I suspicion is very tasty.  Yuriko did everything she good to scarf Logan's kitten kibble when he was tiny, and did she ever get fat on it until we got good at locking her in the bathroom while the poor kitten ate.  She was hard to catch back then.  I was kind of wondering all day if it was time to call the vet again, but I didn't want to say anything to Nikki in case my high-fat plan possibly worked.
    And as of right now, it's going well.  The cat is eating.  I repeat, the cat is eating.  She can't manage a whole can at once, so I suggested we offer her food three times a day to make sure she's getting plenty and fatten her back up to a normal cat weight again.  It's the best I can do for her right now, I wish I had more.  I don't want my cat to leave me.  I really really don't.  I know nothing is eternal, not even mountains, but I'm just not ready and need more time.  So does Nikki.  I'll spoon feed her if I have to.  Of course, she's a lazy cat, she may have figured out this is the way to get everything she wants, including spoon feeding.  Hard to tell, she's a smart one. 
    Bring on the next problem, I'll solve that one too. 
  25. Briannah
    She changed my second blood pressure medication at the last visit reluctantly, since my blood pressure is now perfect, however, I had developed that really horrible cough that the stuff can cause.  SO...been on the new stuff for nearly a week now, and the cough is gone, but my throat is still stupidly dry, swollen, and often sore.  I'm going to have to go back, apparently there was a reaction to the meds and something else going on.  Meh.  And it's not dehydration, ya'll would not believe the giant water bottle I carry around and suck on all day.  It's 63 ounces, and I'm drinking a whole and a half on average.  That is a lot of water. 
    So was trying to be helpful when Nikki had a bad day the other day and I threw a bra what I thought was to him, and pretty much hit him in the face with it.  Then I was getting the breast forms outta the box still determined to be helfpful while he was lounging on the bed, it got stuck in it's plastic wrapper thing, so I pulled, and smacked myself in the face with a weighted silicon boob.  Hilarity ensued for Nikki, while I started wondering when my ability to handle inanimate objects declined exactly.  And then my add kicked in, and I started thinking about like 20 things at once ranging from fake boobs to zebras (don't ask, I have no idea where the zebras came in) but where I was going wasn't one of them and I smacked into the door. 

    On the upside, Nikki laughed himself silly and had a good moment. 
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