KittenNikki

BIG BIG HUGGLES. I know I freak you out to when we're in bed and I just get up after a noise and don't say much. Sorry I get into 'protect' mode and just go after it especially if I'm sleepy. I don't know that we'll ever get over that. You know how paranoid I am about locking our doors when I wasn't before. That's part of it.

Haven't felt like doing much of anything and really have been just going through the motions. My cat, the cat that Bree got when I was way down from my bout with cancer back in the early aughts, had her own bout with cancer and lost. Initially they thought it was lung cancer and gave us steroids to help her fight it, but it turns out that was just the secondary cancer. She stopped eating, started having seizures almost every hour and was falling apart. When we took her into the vet that's when they found the brain tumor just by looking in her left eye. The tumor hadn't been visible the last visit at all and it was pressing in on her brain causing the seizures, loss of appetite and all that. At fourteen years old and with no real options left I had to say goodbye to her. Our son was there, Bree was there, everyone that was close to her was there, but it was still hard as hell. I'm tearing up now writing about it and it's been a week. I imagine this is going to last a while. I miss my cat. I did start getting somewhere with my therapy. My therapist does like that I'm trying to keep a written journal which I write in when I'm feeling things and what thoughts are driving them since most of the time I feel numb and can't really feel anything at all except an overwhelming case of meh. Ultimately what she has tentatively diagnosed me with is Persistent Depressive Disorder, also known as Dysthymia. It's a possibly ongoing depression, not necessarily major, but it can cause most of what I've got going on in my head most of the time. She and I discussed my abuse as a child, we touched on my gender identity confusion, some of my emotional triggers and she did suggest that a combination of treatments would be good for me, so it looks like I'll be getting some medication to take some of the edge off while I try and work with her to figure out what I can do with or without the medication to deal with this, so I guess that's good. I don't necessarily feel good or bad about the diagnosis. I mean I figured I had something going on in there, only now it has a name. I have been a bit mean to Bree and it's not been fair. I did apologize for it and I've been trying to be more mindful of my mood and what's coming out of my mouth or going on the keyboard. She doesn't deserve any ire I might be feeling. I've had a few really down days which hasn't been helping and I'm weening myself off of caffeine bit by bit. I'm drinking almost none at home and although I've been bad a few days here with lunch and dinner, it's mostly been water or tea. I'm drinking more water at work and less coffee. There is still a bit of soda but not much there. I'm sure that's been a bit of the issue, but being down makes me a bit of a jerk to be around, especially when I can't seem to bring myself to do or want to do anything and that's on me, not Bree. Ugh. I did touch on my gender confusion with my therapist and we talked about why I've gone down the crossdressing route instead of pursuing transition and she did question if I'm doing it to please everyone else and not myself, and no, this is as much about what I need and want as everyone around me. While it was tempting to look at transitioning as this magic pill that would fix everything, that's not going to do it for me. The underlying problems I'm having that led to the depression will still be there and a whole host of new ones. I'd still have to deal with my childhood abuse, my procrastination, self-loathing, laziness and problems being social with people I want to be social with. That isn't going to just vanish with transitioning and right now I'm really doing the crossdressing to feel better and elevate my mood from being low or to raise it a bit so I feel happier, it's not so that I feel normal like I'd originally thought. I was doing it to feel and while I do feel more like my old self, I also get that when I settle in and have some fun at things I'm supposed to be having fun at. A few different road trips with Bree to our favorite restaurant and to the zoo and just being with her in general and engaging on the same level that we used to when we first started dating really opened my eyes to that. Working some of this out has helped, but right now I'm kind of still grieving even while I'm trying to feel better and it's just kind of putting me in this spot where I don't want to do much of anything. Being a bit more creative has helped a bit, but I have to prod myself into doing that. Once I'm in that head space I have a lot of fun with it until things go sideways and then I just kind of shut down. I'm definitely a work in progress at this point. I have a whole host of problems to work through, but I have a great wife and life with Bree who's been nothing but supportive through all of this. I have a diagnosis now and at the very least a hope that I can get to feeling more like I used to with a big ole smile on my face. Right now though, I'm still missing my cat.

He does make it way harder on himself and everyone else around him. I'm hoping the therapy helps

Thanks for the birthday wishes!

Thank you for being there through my little meltdown. It helped me a whole lot.

I am not a social butterfly. I'm happier in smaller groups of people I really know and even just staying at home to watch a movie or play games. I was asked what kinds of socializing I'd like to actually do since I'd been mentioning going to a group setting of like minded people and I'd mentioned clubs or outings or something along those lines where I could go dressed in either mode and feel comfortable with and get to know others who are dealing with some of the things I am. I do a lot of my socializing online, for better or worse. That's how Bree and I met some of our long term friends who we get together with when we can. We used to do the cons every year and we try to get together at a friends once a year, all of us, and there's the occasional get together of a few of us here and there to spread that out a bit, but locally we just don't have that same tie. Sure there are a few people we talk with and occasionally get together, but my long term and close friends aren't close at all. There's part of the problem. I'm terrible at talking to people long distance. If it's family, friends, or otherwise, I'm a terrible person at keeping in touch with people long distance. That includes friends I'm really close with. I've never been very good at it. I was a terrible pen pal. You get the idea. But what do I need or get out of socializing? Despite my tendency to want to do things at home and generally spend time with Bree on a regular basis without too many others around, I actually do enjoy hanging out with my close friends and especially our regular tabletop get-togethers every week. It was actually really devastating to me when I was forced to a shift that meant I couldn't play on Fridays with our son and Bree and was stuck with our smaller game on Sundays cause despite the weirdness of our sons friends, it is generally fun and a good time and a bonus on that is we don't have to leave the house cause we're hosting it. So it's a bit of a group camaraderie that I get out of it that I enjoy even though I'm mostly anti-social. Not all people who like to dwell online or mostly at home like to do so alone. I'm never really alone with Bree at home, but both of us like to meet with friends and hang out and keep in touch and just do fun things in general. Hell even when we team up in our online games together we don't often just two man it and end up with some kind of group eventually one way or another. I guess it fulfills some kind of social need to meet up with like minded people and to share our lives with people we're close to. Why can't I manage to maintain contact on my own? I'd say it's a combination of laziness and being anti-social generally but I don't know that's entirely accurate. When our friends or family do call most of the time I enjoy talking to them on the phone and rarely do I not want to talk with them. But that's usually them calling us or sending messages online. This isn't me reaching out, but them. I don't have a good answer why I don't reach out on my own unless I get prodded by someone or something. It could be apathy or laziness but I don't have a good answer for that and I wish I did. It's not tied to the depression that I'm aware of as I've always been this way. It's something I need to work on more and figure out why I'm this way but I don't have a good answer right now, just that I'm aware I have this issue with all of my long distance relationships and even with people that live in the same town I don't see nearly every day. So, things I need to work on? Working out a thing with Bree where we meet up with our friends that are closer to us so that need is getting met. I need to set up some kind of reminder or getting in the habit of at least texting my friends a few times a week and calling hem far more often than I do. The hope is that if I can get into a routine doing this that it feels more natural and it feels less like I'm putting distance between me and people I care about. I also need to figure out what this block is but that's going to take work and might take some therapeutic help. I don't have a good answer there unfortunately but I wish I did. This post had a lot more thought put into it originally, but I lost a huge chunk of it either to my network or my browser, so this kind of feels a bit disjointed more than my original, but I'm oping I've presented something that makes sense.

​Thanks very much Steph. I hope things turn around for you. ​Thank you! I am. Had a great weekend with Bree, went out for birthday dinner at Texas Roadhouse and saw Batman v Superman along with lots of Bree time, so very much on a better wavelength. ​The person I need to talk to about it wasn't there and won't be until this week, so I'm giving it a shot.

So today was definitely a down day for me. Got to work which has been the biggest source of depressive feelings and situations lately and realized I hadn't heard about our monthly birthday celebrations and since mine was coming up I should have been in this month's. I looked it up and it was 2 weeks ago. I was at work when they were doing it. The organizer, the manager who runs it, and my boss included couldn't be bothered to tell me, get a hold of me, e-mail me about it, whatever. So I was initially mad that I missed out on pizza and ice cream cake and a shot at a day off with pay. That started dragging my mood down. Then I started ruminating on the fact that no one could be bothered to get a hold of me for this. In years past they've paged people, got a hold of supervisors, etc while it's going on to get them in for the free food and a host at the day off. This year, nothing. They have a list of everyone who's supposed to be there and they check that damn thing religiously every year and yet I'm forgotten again because they don't need me to fix something or look to blame me for something I had nothing to do with. So then I started spiraling even more. Now, my rational brain is attempting at this point to tell my emotional brain to take a chill pill that this can be fixed by getting in on the next month's meeting, hopefully, and I'll still be getting a shot at an extra day off and the free food. My emotional brain basically flipped my rational brain the bird and decided to not only wallow in it, but to start making me feel like I'm worthless and forgettable which made me angry because of all the things I'm trying to feel that isn't one of them, so then that amped up the others. It was a nasty, nasty morning. Bree was my bright light in all of this. We talked on teh phone, she messaged me all day and when she got home she gave me a big hug and we went out for comfort food and screw the diet. Being around her quieted a lot of that garbage my emotional brain was feeding me and I was able to reign it in and enjoy being with her and while I wanted to throw on my boobs and bra when I got home, I waited for her because I knew ultimately she was what I really wanted right then and I had an inkling we'd end up going out. Bree makes it all better. I wish everyone had someone like Bree.

I am sorry that I put all that on you. That is my fault and when I realized I'd screwed up royally I couldn't quite figure out how to talk to you about it. Obviously the way you found out was not how I wanted it to go, but I'm finding it easier to broach things now and talk so that's good. You've been amazing as always and I didn't quite mean that to be as big a bombshell on you about sex as it happened especially since you've had to work with a broken Nikki the last five years or so. I think we were both in a very different headspace when we met than we are now, but knowing what I know now I absolutely would have told you back then. It's only fair. hugs

Today has just been... blah. I woke up mostly ok, but after Bree and I ended up getting entangled and went out for breakfast, the headache kicked in and I realized that the little fog that had been sitting in the back of my head was congestion and Bree wasn't going to be getting much out of me. So the blah day has been filled with a Daredevil season 2 binge along with some errands. It has been a quiet meh I'm sick kind of day. Bree and I have otherwise been working on things in our relationship. A lot of the issues were my fault in a lot of this, some of it stemming from me hiding some of my feelings about my need to crossdress and my gender confusion, and some of that tied to but not really tied to that. It was complicated. We're making it a lot less complicated now. and that's a good thing for both of us. I did find something near and dear to Bree last night and that made me feel pretty good about myself that I was able to make her the least bit happy in all of this. Writing these is hard but I'm practicing. That little book I've got to write thoughts in when I'm feeling something has been seeing some action, but even that's hard to do when I"m not feeling something. So next week it's definitely on with anti-depressents. There was a me in the videos we found that I haven't felt in a long damn time and while I've been getting glimpses here and there I miss that happier version of me.

Just working through some things since the therapy session. Long talks with Bree, several attempts at trying to shake some of the doldrums and just in general a lot going on. I have an appointment with our regular doctor next week and I'm going to talk to her about getting something for my depression. I've found it's hard to talk about my feelings when I don't really have the capability to feel anything beyond extreme highs and lows and then just don't really feel anything at all otherwise. I can't really talk about feelings I'm not having and I know it's frustrating when all I can do is shrug my shoulders when someone asks how I feel. How do you feel? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Yeah that's not helpful for anyone, least of all me. I've started using a little notebook to kind of keep track of thoughts I'm having when I am feeling anything so I have a guide to talk to my therapist about when I see her in a few weeks. I just want to feel again.

I do think that's a big reason why it's hard to describe my feelings on things a lot of the times is there just haven't been any. I'm just kind of cruising through all of this and know I should feel it, but just do't and have been kind of on cruise control with no idea how to switch it off. I am glad you had that talk with me cause the more we talk the more I figure this out with you. I'm kind of awful at working things out in my head, especially since I don't really seem to be able to muddle through. I didn't know you were on them either. I'm sorry your parents were such slugs about getting you off the wrong and trying another one though. That had to be tough. Definitely going to talk to my doctor about it and see what she thinks as far as what to try. I guess wanting to feel again is a good step at least and better than just shrugging it off. I want to be the smiling Nikki that use to hang around you. *hugs*

After talking with Bree we decided to talk on the way up for lunch and keep to our original Friday plans and hit up the calzone place we like. I have to admit I was more distracted getting ready this time than I have been before. It wasn't just the argument we'd gotten into but I have to admit that was a big part of it at the start. I was more thinking about the fact that Bree and I were going out on a date and I was going to be in girl mode, granted in casual girl mode in jeans and a nice shirt, but full make-up and breastforms and the girdle. To say I was nervous was an understatement. I don't know if it was that or the fact I need a very different blade but I nicked my face all over the place shaving before I put my make-up on. Either way I got ready before Bree made it home and then did her make-up before we headed out. Bree and I talked quite a bit on the way up. I definitely still think more like a guy in a lot of things, or at the very least I'm stuck in guy mode when it comes to that so it's a bit harder for me to really express myself. Bree was awesome about it though and we talked about my feelings and how I thought she felt at the time when this first came up back in January. It was a pretty good talk and I tried to concentrate on that, but the drive up was a bit distracting as they're re-working the entire roadway on the way up to where the restaurant is. One thing we talked about doing and I completely agree with is working with Bree on me being able express myself more like a girl in and out of girl mode. Bree was better able to talk to me about the way I came across as selfish and I did feel that I was selfish about this and agreed we needed to work on that. It was a big relief talking to her about all of this. I don't like causing any undue stress any more than I already have and us bouncing back and forth with ideas and where I was failing and where she thinks I can improve helps quite a bit with all of that. It was more than just a needed conversation and I think between the trip down and up we managed to hash out a few more things. We're far from done with it all but we're getting along through all of this more which is good. It did make me feel better. I don't like it when we fight. I get frustrated and upset, she gets upset, one of us ends up crying, just not a lot of fun all around and something that could have been avoided a bit more. Either way we didn't end up eating at the restaurant to get calzones like we planned. Usually there's a lunch rush there and then it's pretty dead but when we got there today they were absolutely packed. No seats open even though there was parking. I started to get anxious. I didn't want to have to stand around and I felt like I'd get found out if we had to stand around much at all and I could feel the beginnings of an anxiety attack growing. Bree being the awesome person she is though suggested that we could go someplace else. I don't know if she sensed how uncomfortable I was or that I was really building up to a freakout. Bree ended up suggesting another place that's another 30 minutes further away and it was a great idea so we headed back on the road. Sure it was chicken instead of calzone, but it's really good chicken. As soon as she suggested it though, all that anxiety and panic that was building instantly washed away which was a very good thing. I go into girl mode to feel better, not to freak out so that feeling encroaching into my comfort zone was absolutely not cool. We talked more on the way up, well more Bree talking and asking questions and me responding because I've been so closed off to her for so long and it's taking me a lot more now to open up. That's not good for either of us and it's something I need to work on. Like the blogs here. She pointed out that I don't get into it as much as I should and it's more like a news report than a breakdown of my thoughts on it. She asked me if I felt that I was maybe a bit more shallow on these things than she was and I am, but that's something I need to work on. So here I am. I have to say it was amazing for me being out with her in girl mode. We were out and on a date and hanging out and talking and when I wasn't consciously thinking about the fact that I was in girl mode out in public, it felt just like the two of us out on a date which is pretty much what she felt like and really what I was expecting from her, or at least hoping. I wasn't looking for her to be all amazed that it would be different but I was at least hoping that it'd feel like an actual date between the two of us, and other than her taking the lead and paying for everything at the restaurant and the pet store we visited after so that I wouldn't get clocked for my voice, it was very much like one of our regular dates. And overall the day made me really happy. I mean like I'm still happy happy. There are good moments in the depression when the happy peaks through for a bit but then the gloom returns, but I have had such a big smile on my face since we got home even though I swapped back over to guy mode for game night. Guy Mode, when I'm stressed or anxious or really feeling the depression, is the standard or kind of the default, the public face, the face I have to put on when I go out even if I'm having a terrible day and want to be in Girl Mode. Usually going from full on girl mode back into guy mode is depressing and I hate it and I feel like I've gone into girl mode to feel better and then that all gets yanked away just because of a stupid errand or other need to go back out. It's why I try to cram all our errands into one trip if I can help it after work so I can hop in girl mode and feel safe and comfortable and push back the bad feelings. This time there wasn't any really kind of twinge or anything when I had to go back to guy mode and put the breastforms away and take off my make-up. There was just this nice feeling of glowing happiness leftover from the day. Going out with Bree today in girl mode was a great step on the way to figuring this out between the two of us and it was the first time I'd gone out in public in girl mode and it wasn't Halloween or to Rocky Horror. It made me really happy and I've had that smile on my face far more than I've had it in a long time and 90% of that is Bree making sure I'm not just sitting around poking at the bad things in my head that keep the depression going or growing instead of punching it down. I did jump ahead a bit as the restaurant Bree ordered all the food and I stuck to things I could eat without my lipstick getting messed up. No one really looked at me there or at the pet store we went to right after the restaurant and I could just relax more and more with Bree while we were out and about. It was an amazing experience and as I already mentioned it did make me really happy but at the same time, it didn't feel all that much different than any of our regular dates. As Bree puts it, people look at me in girl mode and see hair, breasts, clothes, register me as female and move on. She's completely right of course, especially with the two of us out and about together. I really need to ignore those worries in my head and I'm sure as we go out together more like this it'll help. I think one of the more liberating results of today was when we got home and there was that time to move from our car at the curb to the house. I was going to put on my jacket to try to cover up my breasts a bit and stand out a bit less. I'm not out to anyone I know in town except Bree and my therapist. I asked Bree if I should throw on the jacket, we did a cursory glance around and she told me to just go for it. I don't know if she caught it or not but at that moment I was thrilled and proud and amused and I'm sure I had the biggest grin there in that moment than I had all day and we just went back to the house without a care in the world and it was outstanding. This last bit might be TMI for some, so skip this next paragraph and know that it was a fantastic day that made me happy and read the last one. There was some very nice make-up sex after all of that and I love that we've kind of brought this part of our lives into the bedroom with us incorporating several hybrid ideas and set-ups to bring that into our sex life. It's actually a lot of Bree in that end of things. I've let her lead things in the bedroom for a long while and this is also something we're working on. I'm not hiding this part of me any more so I have no excuse. Sure we hit a lot of my kinks otherwise, but there are a few things tied to this with me that it's been amazing to get involved here this deep with Bree as well. This was just an outstanding day and Bree is getting mad props from me for keeping me going with this instead of just keeping to the status quo. We're exploring more with this together and that's something that can only help the both of us as we go forward. Going forward means therapy for the depression which triggers the gender confusion rather than the confusion triggering the depression and work on my overall gender confusion, childhood abuse, as well as making all of this work with Bree. Bree's sexuality in our marriage doesn't include having a wife. We'd discussed it and after we'd gone through some of the older diagnosing charts, I mostly fall more on the dressing side anyway. I can handle just being able to dress and go into girl mode as needed when I'm having really bad days with the depression since that's what makes me feel better. The nice thing about dressing as opposed to full on HRT is that I'm still her Nikki under all of the stuff I put on over the top to put me in that place so I'm what she needs in the relationship and I'm still getting what I need to feel better. We're walking a balance trying to figure out what works for the both of us and what won't, so that's definitely a big thing. Sure there are things about my body I don't like, my body and facial hair are big ones for me. Bree and I are trying different methods to control both. That I'm extremely happy with. Bree has thrown a line down where HRT and surgery go. It would interfere with things in the bedroom and it would change things in the relationship between us. It'd alter my brain chemistry and change a number of things about my personality. Hormones are a potent thing and I don't feel like I need them to be happy when just throwing on my breastforms and a bra and putting my jeans and a t-shirt on do more than enough to calm my depression most of the time. Am I upset about that line? I'm actually more terrified of that line. Bree has been very open about it and told me that she doesn't think our marriage would survive it while she can very much deal with me crossdressing. I don't feel like she's limiting me really as she's said she'll still support me if I do have to go on HRT, but the way the dressing works and the way it makes me feel very much rule that out in my mind as a possibility moving forward. I feel like going into what I call girl mode which works emotionally for me is enough and it's something Bree is more than happy to work with me on. Bree makes me happy ultimately, the dressing is more a means to combat the depression that's been eating at the happiness Bree and I usually share together and I want her in my life as my wife. If that means I throw on breastforms every once in awhile instead of having my own breasts and work on developing a stranger emotional connection with her through that I think that's something I can very much work with.

Bree got me thinking after we talked and got into an argument because I'm over-reacting and not understanding like normal and maybe I am being a guy about all of this in how I relate to her. It's not easy on her, my either misunderstanding or complete lack thereof making her incredibly upset and now that we've talked more she made me realize I'm either coming across as being incredibly selfish or am incredibly selfish. I am being selfish on a lot of things in this. Yes there are some things that I'm trying not to be and I've realized I'm putting Bree through a lot and he's been amazing and I am being pretty negative about things. I don't know if that's the depression or if I've always been this way. Either way this isn't fair to her. These past few months have really been all about me and while we've touched on her issues a bit I've been way too focused on myself and that's not going to work. We're in a relationship, a damned good marriage with only a few issues (admittedly this is a big one) and I'm here lighting a fuse that I really don't want lit. Bree's so damned strong with most anything that comes her way, or always comes across that way, and we muddle through everything else together so much that I can really be an ass and not register how much she's hurting or underestimate the toll it's taking on her even when it's smacking me in the face. For a smart person I can be really dumb.

I'm not entirely sure it's all option A, but more of a variation on that. There's a lot there where when I dress as a woman it's more me dressing and presenting in how I want to look like and how I'd like to represent myself as a woman, not necessarily what I think a woman should look like, but what I should look like as a woman. Yes there's a lot with the physicality of it all right now, but I think I also haven't been really able to explore that at all. I know I'm terrible at really communicating these thoughts of mine and I'm working on it. It's not something I've really had to do externally and I've never been very good at the whole sharing thing and that's all on me. I know you and I kind of touched on this in conversations outside of here and they weren't exactly the most enlightening either way, but I kind of had that little epiphany when I started writing a reply here. I guess I'm working on all of this in stages. Since you and I talked and decided that HRT and full on transition is out and I'm going to limit this to dressing and being with you in either mode and as I need it to help, I guess I kind of concentrated on the dressing end of things and ways to make me look more like a girl when I'm in girl mode. I do need to work on expressing myself better and opening up to you more, but I kind of jumped on the dressing and looking the part first. As you like to say, I tend to focus on fixing things rather than going over it all. I absolutely want to get more of my feelings and thoughts out and I think those moments we've had when we've gone out and the lunch date we're going to today are going to be a huge part of that. I have huge butterflies about all of this right now and I'm not backing out but I'd be lying if I didn't admit I have some trepidation about going out to lunch with you in girl mode. I do want to thank everyone for continuing to talk to me and Bree on this and share your experiences, thoughts and support. It means an awful lot to the both of us.