Mikaylajane79

So I went to the support group today. I was nervous and it was nice to meet others with similar feelings as myself. I didn't talk much because I am very shy and was trying to feel things out as I always do. And before I went I got some crappy messages from my little sister and my mom. So I have blocked them from my Facebook Instagram and my phone. It is for the best. People who actually support you and care don't take advantage of you when your in a bad place and don't say that they are fine with you then judge you the whole time your being watched and eyes rolled and tell you how your gonna live. So my head wasn't in a good place today. It still isn't. And I took my son tricker treating afterwards. We went to a few neibors houses that we know and he dressed up as Batman he had a good time. He has some anxiety issues he gets really uncomfortable in crowds so we set it up with the neibors to do it tonight so he could still have the experience. Anyways that was my day. Some good mostly bad. And I am in a lower place now than I have been in a while. I guess just one more thing to talk to my therapist about. 

So Sunday I am going to a support group meeting for transgender I individuals. My Therapist suggested it. I had one visit and right off the bat within the first 2 min she asked me where I thought I was on the gender scale. And told me to keep in mind there were more than 2 genders. She seems really nice and easy to talk to. I have been slowly making comments to people and letting myself shine through a little bit. So far Everyone really doesn't seem to care much. And that's ok. I also am worried about what will happen if the trump Administration does change the wording of title IX TO MAKE SEX AND GENDER DEFINED AS BIOLOGICAL AND TOTALLY MAKE IT BASED ON WHAT YOUR ASSIGNED AT BIRTH. This is totally wrong And I feel like if that happens I will have to go back to what I have always been a lie and being miserable. I am ashamed to be an American at this point that this basic denial of human rights is even on the table. I hate the fact that one group of people is being singled out and tried to be erased. And not to mention all the scientific proof that it's not a mental illness and we actually do exist scientifically. All the studies that have been done. And now they want to make us disappear and take away basic human rights what's next concentration camps. This is really upsetting the feeling that we will be persecuted and not given the chance to even make a decision for ourselves. Makes me think real hard about moving North a few hundred miles from where I live and become a Canadian. I hear Toronto is very Trans Welcoming. And friendly. 

Well moving forward I am cutting contact with all my family except my ex wife and son. It is really messed up when the only person I have that accepts me and supports me is my ex wife. Her and I have a long story and well she says she loves me but won't do anything to show it to me. Just says it. She says she understands me but yet she doesn't because she thinks that me being trans and having these feelings I do is my mom's fault. No I have been like this as long as I can remember. I remember when my older sister was going through puberty I was like Damn I hope in a few years I am as pretty as she is. Then it hit me a few years later and No was like uh WTF this is not supposed to be me. I have felt off ever since. So I don't think my mom loving my sister's more and telling me I was supposed to be a girl and do girl things and then. All of a sudden is like your my son you don't dress like that or do those things anymore has everything to do with it. But it would be nice if she could at least accept me for me. And not look at me with disgust all the time. I probably won't speak to her again unless I absolutely have to. 

The therapist I got set up with seems to be very nice. She gets quite busy so my next appointment isn't until the first week of November. Then I am set for like every other week. She is very open minded about the whole transgender issues and their being more than just 2 genders. I mean I wasn't even all dressed up and within 2 min she was asking me where I think I fall on the gender scale and told me to keep in mind there were more than just two. That made me feel really well. She gave me her email in case I needed anything in between now and my next appointment. And her contact phone number and gave me who to contact at the local LGBTQ center in town about any resources they may know of besides the transgender support group. So hopefully it will help. A lot more flew at me this week. I have not spoke with my mom for about a month since she really the last time I saw her judges me silently for how I was dressed and gave me that same disapproving look of disgust she gave me when I was a kid and caught me dressing as a female. And my work took out double my child support so I can't even pay all my bills now. And they won't even return my calls or emails. I have to contact them through email to payroll since they are gone before I come in to work. And today was the 2 year anniversary of my brothers death. Anyways thanks for all the support. Again. ☺

I have been reffered to a therapist My ins sucks so I don't have many options for them. Anyway I am supposed to here from them in a day or two. I hope that therapy will help me. I have a lot of issues not just my Dysphoria that I need to deal with. My Dysphoria is a very big one. But also the fact that I was shamed as a child for being me. Which leads to me shaming myself. Also the fact that the biggest supporter of me in my life was my older Brother who was taken from me tragically on Oct 12th 2016 in a motorcycle accident on the highway. And the fact that my ex totally mentally abused me for years. I also have been thinking of going to a support group for trans and non binary individuals it is held on the 14th Sunday of the month. So hopefully my ex can take out boy for a few hours so I can go. She said she is supportive of me but Idk I have heard that one before. Anyways I am hoping to feel better with myself because I need to be there for my son. And he is my number one goal in life to raise him to be accepting and caring. I see so much of myself in him. He is a caring sweet little boy. I also see at times his mother coming out and him being very hurtful at times and I know he is 4 but I want To stop that cycle now while I can hopefully. He is I think just torn to a point and doesn't know how to deal with his emotions because he is 4 he is very smart for his age almost too smart at times for his own good. I'm hoping that something will help and give me peace. Also I just said screw it and posted a transgender awareness video to my Facebook account. Hoping to maybe that will shed some light on things to my family and friends. My sister had posted a very hurtful message to me on a comment I made in my sister in-laws post so I blocked her. She is too hurtful to me. She  has been since I was about 12. I have as little contact with her as possible taking steps to become the person I need to be and trying to be happy. It is challenging to say the least.

I have a referral pending for a therapist. My Dr prescribed me another med for my depression. We will see how this helps or not. I know in my heart who I am and just don't know if I am strong enough to live the way I want to. But only time will tell. All I know is I am tired of hiding my true self. And tired of having to pretend to be something that I am not. I am very over emotional right now. And it's not good at all. 

I myself have always wondered what if about everything in my life. For me as long as I can remember it has been what if I was born as a girl. Then my younger sister was born. My only full sibling and I look at her and say oh that is what I would have looked like. We look a lot alike. She is so pretty. Has a lot of the same hobbies as me. Always been much of a tomboy. My mom fought me several times called me disgusting and still she says nothing to me about who I am now. But still gives me that look of disgust when I am in more of a girl mood. I kinda swing back and forth depending on who I am around. I think I will always have to be that way.