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Jessicatoyou

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  1. Jessicatoyou

    Plan B

    By Jessicatoyou,

    Well, had the day planned again with the house to myself all day and tonight, this time from 6am on. Figured I'd be ready in Jess mode early, by 8 or 9, and take off!💇‍♀️☝️    Know a couple of churches that are trans welcoming within driving distance that wouldn't know me and that was going to be my first stop.  Afterwards was gonna check out a couple of quaint cafe's in the same area I know and MAYBE have a light lunch, if I worked up enough guts after church.  I think I would have!  Have been feeling a lot more comfortable, natural, and downright NORMAL as Jess the more practice. I get!💕.  Then window shop in the same downtown city again that I did last week!  Visit a couple of woman's specialty shops.  Happens to be the same city I'm planning to go for electrolysis; very artsy and progressive.  Then head home before dark, and spend a quiet evening doing some housework, and maybe finishing Ann Vitale's book!  ( been only half way through since 3 months ago!)   THEN THIS MORNING I WOKE UP AND THERE WAS 30 INCHES OF SNOW LAST NIGHT AND IT WAS STILL SNOWING HARD!!!!!!!!   UGH😲
    Well, instead I shoveled and shoveled and shoveled.  BUT... Still a good day😊    Was in Jess mode by noon and spent most of the afternoon packing for my trip next week.  No driving for me today, HAHA.  Now some housework, (actually I've always enjoyed it) and then maybe finish that book.  Jess😍
     
  2. Jessicatoyou

    Another Excursion

    By Jessicatoyou,

    Well a lot's happening with my presenting, and MY CONFIDENCE! 💇‍♀️.  Have had many opportunities to sit tight by myself and refine my make-up, my dress, my mannerisms, my voice, and my mental attitude, most important! Have been moisturizing my skin, face, leg, arms, my whole body and I mentioned before shaved my body, neck to toe.  Even trimmed my eyebrows amd they came out PERFECT!😊. Thanks to studying all the you tube videos out there.
    Today have 20 hours with the house to myself from3pm on, , so I decided it was time for another excursion.😎,  Now I recently dumped my truck which I used for business, a huge Yukon XL.for a Malibu sedan.  Always had big "manly wheels" before.
    ;I've always had big Black trucks, SUVs . This sedan is the perfect size for a girl, maroon exterior, light tan interior, like new and I love it.  It's my Jess mobile.💜.   Three o'clock started transforming into Jessica mode and by 7 went out for a ride.  Drove to the nearest large city and took a walk downtown, window shopping.  No one made any notice of me. No funny looks, no whispering among people walking about.  Tried to make eye contact with several and smiled.  Stopped in a Walgreens's and shopped for some make-up.  When the clerk rang me up , she commented on my necklace and we briefly talked about how brutally cold it was outside.  My fem voice seemed to pass enough; she acted quite normal😊😎  I was a little nervous but will work more getting a handle on that.  Stopped for a coffee to go and again didn't stand out!  I can get used to this💇‍♀️❤️  Jess  
    First Event organizers e-mailed me and gave me a volunteer slot at the clothing boutique😍.  Now, really looking forward to that! 👉
    i
     
     
     
     
  3. Jessicatoyou
    Okay, in my last blog I was about to close my business (November) and moved my "belongings" home not knowing when I would be able to resume presenting female if not only in private, but I did NOT purge as I had many times in the past. Hey I just turned 64😎, and there were many. Thank goodness😊. Since then, I have been dealing with a rather extreme life changing event, the kind that would cause anyone to reconsider if transitioning is the right course to continue. Well, prior to that I've had the opportunity to dress in private almost daily ( 5 out of 7 days a week) for two years, if only for short periods at a time. I've practiced make-up, the walk, the talk, the mirrors, the selfies, you get it, and I felt pretty confident that when I picked back up I would be ready to go. …..NOT!  😫.  
    Well, have the house to myself (for the first time in my life!, almost,.... my son's been hanging around some❤️,  Little more than a week ago I pulled the stash out from the boxes and dressed and made-up.       UGH!😩 . Thought this ain't gonna work. CALL IT OFF! What am I doing?????  I looked like an old man in drag!  
    Took a day off and reflected, …..or meditated? Don't know which,  but it worked. Haha.   Tried again, took my time.  Shaved my body, (yep, down there, too). Legs, armpits, chest, arms, back, etc. Eight days later only a little growing back down there;  just shaved again today. The rest no sign of hair returning yet. Have lived most of the last week presenting female in private. Still have gone out presenting male on occasion to take care of errands, like getting contact lenses. Haha. Was a bitch trying to apply eye make-up when you can't see your eyes without glasses!👀 BTW they work! The optometrist didn't have a clue why a 64 year old guy would want contacts, but she's happy and I'm making another friend!  Seems like everyone's so young these days and just wanna be friends 😊 .  So, back at the house, could actually see my eyes and face applying makeup, and with the aid of some "face-lift tape" I looked 80-90% presentable. ( FFS is definitely in my future).
    Today, went out.  I mean WENT OUT!  😍.  Put on my best outfit, made myself up, right down to my nails, looked in the mirror, and decided I was ready. Haven't done that since I was 20 something, and then it was at night!  Noon to two pm, ran some errands, took a drive, felt the cool crisp air. Nobody noticed and there were many that could have!!!! 😎.
    Came home, and logged into First Event to volunteer for the Convention.
    Jess,, feeling better ❤️ .
     
         
  4. Jessicatoyou
    Okay, throughout my entire life, I have often accumulated various articles and many times, entire wardrobes of woman's clothing, shoes, make-up, wigs, etc. In my own privacy I dressed up, sometimes if only for a short period and other times for extended periods.  More often than not, I always had my "stash", which gave me much comfort in the thought that I would someday be able to transition and live my life of a woman without going back.  It seems that every time I had a "life changing event", for example, new girlfriend, marriage, birth of a son or daughter, new job, I would always purge those things I loved in an attempt to live a life according to what I wrongly perceived as normal.  Well about two years ago I decided what was actually normal for ME was to prepare for transitioning.  As I approached retirement age, (I don't think I'll ever really retire), I began to downsize my business in order to run it without any employees. (I often had a dozen). My wife was no longer physically able to work it with me. So in the privacy of my business basement when off times permitted, I began to accumulate again, slowly, carefully, with the thought that I may never purge again.  Any where from 3-5 times a week over the last two years I was able to "practice, perfect my presentation, walk, practice speech, dress, learn the art of make-up and at the same time lost close to 60 lbs.  Well, another life changing event is approaching; my business should be liquidated in the coming 3 weeks, and this weekend I methodically boxed everything up and brought it home!  About 30 dresses and suits, skirts, 3 dozen blouses and tops, slacks, skirts, 5 wigs, make-up, purses, mirrors, and about 12 pairs of shoes.  I'll be very busy over the next few weeks with closing my business and for several afterward with the financials, but I'll have everything intact when I'm done so I can take on the life changing event I've waited my whole life for. THAT'S NORMAL😍 
    Jessica
  5. Jessicatoyou
    The next several, haha, fifty plus years, were rather routine and uneventful.  My female identity surfaced again at college, and I enjoyed sleeping in lingerie. That lasted a while until I graduated, got a job and married and divorced.  That was a tough relationship;  can honestly say I don't believe that had any thing to do with my female tendency. Put that on hold again until the very end.  I think I rationalized that I was born cisgender male and proceeded to work to succeed in my biologically given role.  Off again until I travelled for work and got a small wardrobe just the basics, for when I stayed overnight in Hotels.  Only went out dressed rarely and always at night so as night to be seen.  Still loved the feeling and freedom of it, but still didn't commit due to my perceived lack of professional opportunities for woman at the time. Only half a dozen times more during those years on again, off again, on again, off again.  Always purged my female possessions, each time telling myself this is crazy! But I always came back to being me, the girl, the woman.  If I could have earned the same income as a woman back then,  I would have transitioned much earlier without a doubt! Today, things are changing rapidly.  As more people transition, acceptance is increasing although far from where it needs to be!  I can actually imagine sometime in the future, although not in my lifetime, gender choice being a routine part of adolescence.  Employment appears to be more open too. I don't need much income anymore although I will need some, and am in the final stages of phasing out my business .  Well that brings me to now and I'm on again for over a year and I don't believe I will ever go off again. As I step out, too I don't think I'll ever stay in again either!
  6. Jessicatoyou

    What's in a name?

    By Jessicatoyou,

    I think names are significant.  I don't particularly care for labels, however.  But names we like, names we choose, those that "sound" good to us often have much meaning as to where we've been, whom we've met , where we want to go, what appeals to us, and what we would like to be, and says a lot about our own perception of our personality.    
    One of the first realizations that we are going to transition comes to us when we choose a name.  Some of us choose early in life, some later in life, but most often the names we choose appeal to us in a peaceful and self-content sort of way and carry us through a lifetime and end up being a permanent part of us when we first decide to transition and through our transition. It is a name we choose to become and love within our minds, not one that is given to us at birth. 
    I chose Jessica. And I chose it early on in life and has more or less stuck with me for more than 55 years.  Oh, I've considered others on occasion, but always returned to Jessica as my name.  Why???  I'm not really sure.  Perhaps back in 4th grade it comes from a crush on a girl named Jessica who liked to be called Jess, too.  It was just a crush, mind you, long before the onset of puberty for both of us. I didn't know her well, she was not in any of my classes, but we both looked forward to going to the lunch cafeteria and talking together while we had our 30 minute lunch.  She was awesome to me, I liked her, she liked me and we loved talking to each other.  Well we moved onto 5th grade and never had the opportunity to talk again, but I still liked the names Jessica and Jess.  To me it sounds feminine, maybe it was my first realization of the differences between masculinity and femininity.
    Funny thing happened last Wednesday!  Went to my dentist and had a great time, which is not something you would typically expect when you have a dentist appointment. I sat in the waiting room for some 20 minutes and discreetly, and I say discreetly, because I don't want to creep anyone out, was taking a mental note of other woman's mannerisms in the waiting room, when the dentist's assistant called me in.  She was new, never saw her before, and she warned me she was new at this, asking me to bear with her.  She was very nervous, but had a great personality, we got along great, as I helped her with the placement of the plates for each x-ray. I told her to take her time, I have my whole life ahead of me and I intend to enjoy it..  Have had a lot of experience at the dentist.  
    When my dentist came in to review the x-rays, she said to the dentist that I should be named the patient of the year and I told the dentist when I come back for my work I wanted her to assist.  Now I always try to remember names of people I meet and when I can't I'm not shy in asking again someone's name. So I'm getting ready to leave and I ask, I'm sorry I didn't get your name?  She said, "Oh, I'm sooo sorry!  My name's Jessica, You can call me Jess!"  I should have figured that one out☺️
    Jessica❤️
     
     
  7. Jessicatoyou

    Getting Caught!

    By Jessicatoyou,

    Well, knew then I just  had to check this out further.  During the next couple of years ( 7th and 8th grades) I found myself home alone for a few hours every day after school, and while others my age were home doing school homework I was doing my own "girl work".  Always had straight A's in school, never had to study  much, but paid close attention to a lot.  You might say both school work and girl work came naturally to me. My sister was 16 years old,  I spent whatever free time I could dressing up and trying on her make up before anyone came home and loving my new-found inner peace.  Her lingerie, shoes and dresses were a perfect fit! And the makeup always felt just right, too. Oh, I still did what the other boys did too, play basketball, football, always excelled in just about everything, too. But my favorite pastime was being a girl. Even had a few girlfriends , non-sexual of course, and loved being around them.  Made me feel pretty!  There was a time when one noticed some mascara or eyeliner on me (apparently I didn't remove it all) and I just fibbed that my sister applied it once because she liked how my lashes looked.  I remember thinking I had to be more careful in the future!  And I was.        I thought...……  
    Sis came home from school early one day and found some of her clothes and makeup out, and me locked in the bathroom.  Never undressed and washed so quickly, came out and pleaded for her not to tell Mom and Dad. Later that evening Dad calls me into the bedroom and asks me if I wanted to be a girl. I could talk to a shrink if I wanted to. (SHRINK?...no one's gonna shrink my brain) not on my watch at least! That was also the era of shock treatments, lobotomies, and institutions. I wasn't going anywhere!       "  Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, Dad; that was the only time! "  was my answer.  Put that to bed real quick and didn't start feeling like a girl again until my college days. Never was depressed about it, rarely thought about it either, accepted that is the way things are. 💔
     
     
  8. Jessicatoyou

    Where do I Start?

    By Jessicatoyou,

    I have always known that I would be transitioning at some point in my life; just not when.  That question has been answered and become quite evident to me within the past year.  There are many reasons why it took so long but that really doesn't matter now.  I don't have any regrets until now as I've been blessed with a good and fulfilling life except my only regret is I did not go after it many, many years ago.  Think it would have been even more fulfilling. Things were soooo different in the 70's and 80's.  I was never one to dwell on the past, only look and plan for the future. 
    So if I refer to myself in this and future blogs as... when I was a little girl... that was my mindset then, as it continued into womanhood and evolved to now . My first experience ,"when I was a little girl", (I just love saying that), was sometime between 11-13 years old when Halloween was coming and someone had the idea to dress me up as a girl.  Real clothes, complete make-up, shoes, panty hose, wig, even underwear and bra, nail polish, toes too!    A dab of perfume really did the trick. Think I already had feminine characteristics, lean body, big eyes, long eyelashes, nice smile.  THAT feeling has never left me.  Went on trick or treating and realized just about no one knew I wasn't a little girl, some even asked why I didn't have a costume!
    Well going to end this for now; UPS just delivered, my red shoes.  Got to try them on.  Love shoes, dresses, everything  feminine, and have built up quite a wardrobe...but will get to that in later blogs.  Love
  9. Jessicatoyou
    I've always needed some questions answered as a matter of fact, not a matter of hope, wishful thinking or dreaming and be sure I was comfortable with those answers.  What truly would it mean to me to be Jessica, socialize as Jessica, think as Jessica, look as Jessica, go out around town only as Jessica, work as Jessica;  how would it feel to not be able to go back; might I regret it or would I embrace it and continue  wishing I had the courage to transition long ago?? 
    I heard about Transgender Conferences shortly after joining TG Guide when another member shared with me her experiences attending her first conference.  I decided I had to know and booked the next conference remotely in my area that I could find some 4 months in advance, The First Event just outside Boston.  I booked a room at the conference hotel from the night before it began through the morning after it ended (6 days) and registered for the Event in it's entirety.  My goal was simple but for me it would serve to be a big test, one that would answer most if not all of doubts I had come to worry about thus far in my transition.  
    I had originally intended to check in as my former self a day early and emerge the next day as Jessica, but as things evolved I couldn't.  You see I got a taste of going public a few days before (attending church, and starting to get the courage to run in and out coffee shops, going window shopping in a downtown area not too far away.  I didn't think I looked to bad, but obviously up close I knew I would be made and then a sweet clerk in one of the coffee shops said she liked my ring.  SHE DIDN"T CARE!!!!  Why do I???  That changed my attitude.  Went to a new church the next morning. not for the church but to get out again in a "safe place"?  Met a dozen people and THEY Didn't CARE!!!!  Again, why do I???? Stayed through the service AND another hour for Fellowship coffee afterwards and JESSICA actually talked with real human beings and made some friends that only know me as Jessica, no one else.💇‍♀️
    So Monday, I finished packing and loaded most of my bags in the car.  Still Jessica.  I don't know if any of the neighbors saw me but if they did,   I DON'T CARE, WHY SHOULD THEY!!!
    Tuesday... Off to Boston... on the way stopped for coffee and gas and had to stop for a rest room twice, used the ladies room both times. Don't know what the laws are; I DON'T CARE!  if I used a men's room as Jessica, now that would have been weird!!!  Crossed path's with a woman in one ladies room and SHE DIDN'T CARE, even said Hello. We commented on the weather, another stinking snowstorm but I wasn't gonna let it stop me today😍. Got to the Hotel about 6pm, after getting my bags up (I way overpacked) I went to the local supermarket for some food and Starbucks for  coffee.
    Hadn't met or seen anyone that might be connected to the conference yet; hoped to though, so went back to the room and unpacked what I could.
    Good Night☺️ 
     
  10. Jessicatoyou
    I'm in!!  On Cloud 9, (or 10 maybe) at the moment.  The therapist I've chosen, great reputation for transitioning clients, and I've been working on it all week, contacted me and is setting up my appointments, and I should know tomorrow when my first session is.  Still trying to get in before First Event, but most likely will be right after First Event. 
    Real funny thing....just a little story.  This past week I've been helping my son move into an apartment closer to his work.  About an hour away, close to a major city in the State I live in.  Somewhat familiar with the City, as I did a lot of business there some 30 years ago, but haven't been there more than a couple of times since.  So last night he wants me to go with him to a furniture store off the beaten track there as he was told they have a lot of good deals.  He GPS's the location and I'm driving according to his directions( Everything has changed since I've been there!; We pull up and ….it's directly across the street from my therapist's office building!!!!!!  Have never been there before.  I had a good feeling then I would get a call and I did today.  
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