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ScottishDeeDee

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  1. ScottishDeeDee
    I have been feeling very down recently.  I know that the main reason is my daughter moving away with her mum but it means that I have been feeling letheragic and flat and have not done any self care whatsoever.
    This morning I woke up choked with a cold and decided while listening to the rain that I was not going to push myself and do my Saturday morning 5k, instead I got up and effectively have been pampering myself. I put on some cheesy tunes from spotify and shaved my legs and arms, my chest I used a cream on 2 days ago so while I can see black hairs growing thy are too small to touch just now. I gave myself a proper close shave and then had a long and hot shower.
    As soon as I came out I put on my wig.  The wig makes an instant difference when I  look in the mirror, I do not see a him but a her.  With this boost I moisturised and put on some mascara, some light eye shadow and did my eyebrows using eyeshadow makeup and finished with a touch of lip gloss. I then spent a bit of time doing my toe and finger nails and then finally put on a summer dress - it is a bit too figure hugging to wear out while I am this heavy but if I lose a stone or two it will look great.
    I then pulled out my Dee phone and went through the snapchat filters taking photos. I took a couple a while back when everyone started going on about the genderswap filters and noticed that it will make anyone look good. I do not have any contacts on snapchat so I have no one to send them to, but I had a proper giggle pouting, looking serious and playing with all the different options and then saving them and exporting them to my google drive. In snapchat I can easily pass for a cis woman, if I put up one or two of those photos on a dating site I know I would get interest, I do not look 40, it is amazing what soft focus coupled with pixel makeup can do! I even tried the male filter and while I am not used to seeing myself with male hair oddly that photo genuinely looked so much less like me then the female ones do, normally you can still see yourself underneath the gimmicks but it was hard to as a man. I am starting to understand why so many young teens are getting addicted to taking photos of themselves all the time even if I am rubbish at explaining it.
    Of course I knew I was just passing the morning and distracting myself from my woes but it has worked. I am actually in a pretty good mood and found myself smiling and laughing out loud. One of these days I will figure out if Dee is a distraction, if I am merely using my copying skills to emulate femininity because I envy it, or I will realise that I am actually Dee and feel happy because I am actually being my real self. It is a tangle of fears and confusion and thoughts and second thoughts and it can all wait for another day.
    For now I am going to spend the rest of my day dressed but snuggled up on the sofa. Later I will be catching up with my Canadian friends online but today, all day I am just Dee.
    💖💋💖
    Because they are so heavily filtered here is kittie me from Pride, (meow!) the random bloke the male filter turned me into that I can honestly say looks nothing like me even on a man day, and the Dee that I sometimes catch glimspes of in the mirror (minus the nose ring).
     

  2. ScottishDeeDee
    I have just spent the last hour trying to convince my son that he has to give my ex wife's new partner a chance. In his own words he does not like the change (there were a few clashes while he was on holiday with them during the Easter break) and so he has decided that he does not get on with her new man. I literally had to say, "she has moved on and so have I"... then very quietly muttered "sort of" under my breath.
     
    I am (I think) okay with being single again - still waiting for the divorce to be finalised but am genuinely much calmer inside that it was the right thing for us to do. I am not at the stage of looking for anyone else - by not at the stage I mean it isn't even on my radar. Just a pleasing passing thought. 
     
    Cut to a few hours later where I am slightly less distracted.  I have been feeling a bit of a fraud recently - I have not dressed properly (regularly or for any length of time) in weeks now, between being busy because Easter and Christmas are my two busiest times of year, and then because the children were off school and they take priority. 
    But I did order a couple of new wigs, one to wear out and a fun one to wear to pride if I get the courage to go. The wig instantly made me want to dress as Dee - they definitely give me confidence that I am sorely lacking.
     
    The facial hair removal is actually going really well, after that horrendous first session I still have a red mark on my neck which I hope will fade in time, but now when I shave I look smoother for far longer - and I no longer need to shave twice a day to look clean shaven, I intend to keep all the receipts so I can tot up how much it costs start to finish.
     
     
    The other purchase that arrived today was an epilator - I have been poring through old threads trying to see how people have dealt with unwanted hair downstairs and most have said they either shave or epilate - I cannot contemplate epilating that area just now but decided that because my legs are pretty smooth after shaving on Monday I would give it a go - it took me nearly 45 minutes to do one leg and I had to empty the housing a couple of times.  It stings but is childs play compared to to the laser.
    I also look like  have broken out into spots - the first few passes are the worst and then as there is less and less hair it gets easier and easier. I thought my hair was short, but I am going to shave before I do my other leg tomorrow morning. If I can get used to it I intend to do my legs, rear and arms as losing an hour once every couple of weeks is far better than 20-30 minutes every other day for the imperfect and short lasting effects of shaving.  I have moisturised and am waiting to see if my leg feels smoother once the pores settle down.
     
    I have been feeling a bit of a fraud - recently I have started to feel comfortable with my transgender self - comfortable with the idea that I actually want to try hormones to see how they make me feel and comfortable with the idea that it could mean a great deal of change in my life, but if I can cope with it then I should be a far more contented person even if it is going to be long and messy and not just quietly done over a few years.  Yet I have not done anything, my ex and mum have not been told, when I talk to anyone even those who know I use my male name because if I asked them to use Dee then the kids would suss something is wrong. I donated to someone who is doing a charity event and I felt bad signing my male name even though I had to - if the donation was public folks would have asked. I also wrote an article for a news magazine and used my male name but I find myself hesitating about it now.
     
    Yet when I was writing my most recent blog I was thinking about growing up - I always saw myself as a male, I thought of myself in a binary male gender way all throughout my childhood. It is hard to think of myself as a woman without being dressed as Dee - sometimes it happens when I am chatting online, but usually the clothes help me feel more like me. Yet I know that being Transgender is not about the clothes I wear, or growing my nails long (which I am delighted with although one had to be trimmed and ruined the effect yesterday  ) or even being able to pass as female. I know that the more I do to remove my body hair the happier it makes me feel - I know that I am back eating healthily and increasing my exercise to lose weight and become fit enough for a challenge next year and yet in my head I am wondering if I will be running in leggings and a womans top or shorts and a mans top - even though I am too scared to leave the house in my pink and grey trainers to go for a run. I struggle to not eat the chocolate in the house at nights - during the day being good is easy but as the evening goes on the more I am drawn to the chocolates left over from Easter.
     
    I just feel like I am putting it all on at the moment, like nothing in my head feels different - like I can change all the superficial things I want and yet I will still be the brother/father in my family. That was how I grew up and how I saw myself.
     
    I know it does not feel like acting being Dee, and I am using my female ID now for some streams I watch and chat in - I definitely prefer being my female avatar over my male and if I could change overnight without it being a big deal I would - yet am constantly called dude in real life and it is hard to feel feminine, does that make sense?
     
    I am still so new to the idea of being a transwoman, I just do not know if it is all par for the course or if I am just kidding myself in order to fit in with some really nice people.
  3. ScottishDeeDee
    When I was 15 or so my friend and I discovered the self printing business card machine in the local shopping centre. We were always on the lookout for a cheap way to spend the most time when we were out so we promptly hatched a plan that seemed hilarious to us at the time. We printed out 250 business cards that said (something along the lines of)
     
    "Stop.
    We are the fashion police.
    You are under arrest for crimes against fashion."
    And for the afternoon we became the fashion police, bold as brass running up and handing them out to people in the street or slipping them in their bags or on their dinner trays at the food courts as we passed.
    We got a few chuckles and were called cheeky gits but for some reason no one really took offence - probably because we were just two young lads with very little fashion sense ourselves and we had/have great smiles. It could also be because people recognised that we were not out doing drugs or mugging anyone but simply having some harmless fun.
    I say this because today I would have arrested myself 😂 my male wardrobe is bland at best - but it is designed to be, baggy and boring.
    However once I dropped my son off at his mums after school I came home and decided to practice putting on some makeup - I am not good enough to do strong colours yet so the smoky look I was going for just highlights the fact I had less than 3 hrs sleep last night.
     
    Fashion-wise  I tried to wear a pair of blue denim shorts over a pair of tights - the shorts were from my sisters hand me down pile she gave me to try out when I told her I was questioning my gender and they are fairly long - I have seen denim shorts over tights and while usually it is a look common among the younger generation, like printed leggings, I have seen a few women my age do something similar in spring.
    I tried them on tonight with a top and decided I look like a train wreck (that's the polite phrase - a completely different word came to my mind).
    After painting my nails a dark but different shade I decided that while the top half was okay if a bit amateur hour  - I simply do not have the figure to pull off wearing the shorts.
    So after trying it out in less than five minutes I went back and changed - a red skirt I love and bought from a charity shop when I was feeling brave, but I put it on with the same top and a changed from simple lip gloss to a light pink lipstick and the combination works so much better in my opinion.
     
    Now I know I like skirts and dresses over jeans - I find them more feminine and they make me feel more feminine too, being a UK 16-18 puts me firmly in the average size bracket of most of my female friends but having seen them on I would not be caught dead wearing those shorts outside. They may be going in the charity bin...
     
    I am also torn because I seem to have a small natural cleavage when I put a bra on - it is a sign of the weight that I put on at Christmas and have not yet shifted - my tummy definitely needs to go but I will be quite sad to lose my mini bust. 
     
    If I want to survive a weekend out as Dee some time I am going to have to get more clothes as women do not wear the same clothes for days like men do. I am wearing my long hair tonight because it makes me feel more womanly and it also saves my nice blond hair for wearing out.
     
    I need to do more spying to see what passes for fem casual, below is what I consider to be the new and slightly improved casual look - suitable for blogging, snacking and reading my gender book.. which are my plans for what is left of this evening.
     
    Tomorrow I first have to go and get my car headlight fixed so I can then drive at night without being stopped. Just the thought of lifting a car bonnet makes me anxious let alone asking for the right bulb! On top of that I found out that I need to replace my 2 front tires so will have to book it into a garage too - not how I wanted to spend my Saturday.
     
  4. ScottishDeeDee
    I am still a little bit unsure how I process today.  A slow relaxed morning meant that I missed the parade but Today I did my makeup and then got help from my niece to do my eyebrows and eyeliner - pro tip: she used some eye shadow rather than eye liner or an eyebrow pencil, it gave the same effect but did not look so harsh when on and came off so much easier just now! Then my sister helped me glue my nails on - they were both jealous of my nails, but they matched my hair perfectly - they were just a bit on the long side so all day I had to adjust to barely being able to use my phone or do simple things like my buttons when I went to the loo.
     
    I was wearing some comfy trainers (I had bought blister plasters on the way home last night) my jeans and my butterfly tee, my nice was also in jeans and a bright blue tee because she was wearing a rainbow bright my little pony wig, I could not believe that a pastel blue and pink wig could look subtle but compared to hers I positively blended in.
     
    We caught the bus into town, when we got on there was my sister in normal clothes, my niece and I with our wigs, but as we got closer to our stop more and more people got on wearing rainbow flags or all dressed up so that we were soon just a part of the entourage heading to the pride village.  The village was free of charge to get in but required a previously booked ticket which got you into the site where there was a music stage, an info tent, a dance tent, along with lots of info stalls and snack vans.  I had not eaten breakfast due to nerves but needed to eat something so that was our first port of call.
     
    It was a great atmosphere, the weather pretty much drizzled rain the entire time, but in Scotland that does not put off festival goers, and this had the feel of a festival so I relaxed very quickly. The fact that there were drag queens, gay and lesbian couples, people dressed as goths, lolitas, with rainbow angel wings, a wizard in a bathrobe - I did not even come close to standing out.
     
    We wandered around and listened to music and then my niece took my sister back into the city centre to catch her bus home. I was left on my own for around an hour and a half during which time I went and spoke to a stall called trans space and a woman called Emma from Glasgow who was looking for support to fix some of the more ridiculous legislation in Scotland and protect Trans people using public facilities, I duly signed as Dee but admitted that it was my first time out and about and we spoke for a good 20 minutes about the questioning process and trying to find out where we fit- she made me feel much more confident in myself though because although she had transitioned 14 years ago her voice was a lot deeper sounding than mine.
    I also made friends with the ladies running the coffee van and was enlightening them about good places to visit in my area. They spoke to me as a normal human being and it was only a comment after them asking if I lived in the area that I outed myself by saying it was just a nice chance to get to be me.  I am under no illusions - my voice patterns may be pretty feminine but I still frequently talk from the chest and have that low rumble echo when I finish sentences or have to speak loudly- especially when I am compared to my sister or niece.
    But as this weekend was an experiment I had already decided that I had done enough practising and prep. 
     
    Around 6pm my friends told me that they were on the bus into town so we left the village and went back to my nieces, she had already said that she would be wearing jeans and a nice top, so while I was a little bit disappointed, that went away when we went into the local Asda and bought a nice blue dressy top and a pink cardigan to go with my jeans and hair, I then changed into some black leather calf boots that had wide but definite heels on and we caught the bus back into the city centre - I kept my trans wig on.
     
    My male friend won an official bet between them that I would be wearing a wig, but they both gave me a hug and then we caught up over a couple of drinks - I deliberately did not order a single pint all night, I just ordered whatever drink I fancied.
     
    In 6 hrs the only people who openly clocked me were bar staff, and they always smiled, and I am pretty sure that one young lassie complimented me after she had given me my order, but it was hard to hear over the drag act at the other end of the bar where the woman were doing all of the whooping and cat calling as their boyfriends were made to feel uncomfortable with the over endowed leotard and fishnet wearing drag queens.
    We walked to another official pride party venue and the music was rubbish - the only reason it gets a mention is because by the time we got there I was busting to pee and just walked into the ladies without thinking, it was packed but by now I had used the facilities a few times over the day and a smile and a thank you for a door held open was as much interaction as I did.
     
    My female married friend noted her disgust that I was happily walking along with them in heels when she cannot wear any herself, but it was good natured and she also envied my nails!  During the evening there was a lot of misgendering with "he"and my male name getting used, but each time I would remind them that for tonight I was Dee and to use she/her so I could get a read on how it feels to be gendered that way in real life - oddly my male friend picked it up quickest, but it really only took a couple of hrs and some deliberate she/her repetition for the ladies to refer to me as Dee too.
     
    By 11pm we then went into a club that exclusively played 80's music, and its little sister annex reached through the main area that exclusively played 90's music. The music was loud and I felt my age but I got to tick another thing off my wish list, we danced until just after 1am. My feet are killing me but my niece and I walked back to her flat and after removing my nails, eyelashes and makeup we enjoyed a late night pizza - although I still do not have an appetite - I drank enough to be sociable but also ordered a mocktail at one point and so I did not have to worry that I would revert to "laddish" drunk behaviour  or even worse trip and fall in my heels.
    It is half two in the morning and when I wake up I have to drive back up the road and be dad again and I do not know how to feel about it.
    I frequently forgot that I was actually wearing makeup and a wig and then would sometimes catch my reflection in a shop window and remember, my niece, my sister and my friends went out of their way to look after me and make sure that I was feeling okay, escorting me to the loos when I needed to go and letting me sit in corner seats so I did not have to sit next to strangers and it was nice to know that I was allowed to be vulnerable. My friends said that other than seeing me in different clothes it felt just like any other night out we had been on - there was just more girly chat.  Not one person did a double take, or pointed or nudged their friends or looked at me funny - I was literally just another girl on the night out - at one point I thought I had been clocked when a hen party came up to us and started pointing at a list but then her friend pointed to a number and they went to my male friend instead for a signature, so either they had thought I was male from a distance or they had gotten the numbering wrong, but either way I was not male for whatever dare the bride to be was doing.
    I cannot thank my friends and family enough - the fact that it felt completely normal, but I was freer tells me I definitely need to keep looking forwards, the fact that my male friend made a point of letting me know that he was with me regardless, but did ask some questions was really nice - I get one more sleep in Dees pj's and then back to work next week. I am physically and emotionally wiped out - but in a really good way I will put some pics up once I can focus/edit them xx
  5. ScottishDeeDee
    This is attempt number 2 - I have literally taken most of it from my other post and tried to remember what I had written differently!
    I have had this weekend pretty much to myself, normally I spend most evenings wishing I had the time to be me, but whether it is because I have been out a lot or just not had the time I do not know.
    Today though was different, I went to work this morning but as soon as I arrived back home I changed into some leggings and a jumper and did some hopefully subtle eye makeup - I seem to either do too little or too much - and some not so subtle red lipstick - no reason to, I just really wanted to. I put on my favourite wig and when I looked in the mirror I saw Dee, a woman enjoying her weekend.
     
    So a thought came into my head "that is exactly what I should do".  I may not be able to go for coffee as I do not want to be out where I am, and I have to drive for 2.5 hrs to get to the closest population centre where I could relax with a much lower risk of physically bumping into someone I know.
    I decided to go for a drive, I think that seeing someone post countryside pictures recently inspired me so I decided to go on a wee forestry walk, and on a Sunday afternoon as remote as I am, I was always likely to meet others as it is common to go for a Sunday afternoon walk. 
     
    I started plotting.
     
    I put my wig and brand new red jacket  - bought after I chickened out of going out last time - in a bag and put some loose joggers on over the top along with one of my big hooded man jackets, I smiled every time I passed a car just in case they noticed my lips were redder than normal! (I know, like 2 cars passing at 50mph have time to notice that sort of thing) and then when I was around 20 minutes away from the house and less likely to be passed by someone I know I pulled over to the side of the road and took off the man clothes and put my wig back on, now I could openly smile and enjoy singing along to Adele as I drove.
     

     
    I found a good spot with only one or two cars in the starting car park and went for my first walk outside as Dee, my hair stayed on even in the wind, half a mile down the path I spotted a pink jacket coming my way, after a moment of panic I thought sod it and kept going - I smiled and said hello as I passed the only other woman on the path, she smiled briefly, nodded and carried on. British walking etiquette is nothing if not predictable, I do not know if I passed as I have no foundation on, but I met no one else and enjoyed what was probably only a 2 mile walk or 30 minutes in the woods.
    Feeling brave I also stopped and explored some standing stones at the side of the road and took another couple of pictures then arrived home just a few minutes ahead of the rain.

    So I typed this up as I sat waiting for my coffee to brew, listening to the rain on the window and feeling very relaxed and accomplished. Today between being in the car and going for my walk I have spent an hour and a half outside in the real world as Dee.
     
    It was exciting and worrying as I was changing in the car, and then just as I passed the other walker, but other than that I have to say that it felt so totally average being a girl outside, so much so that even after I took my wig off when I looked in the mirror I saw a woman smiling back.
    It may not mean much to others but I really could not be happier that I was brave enough to try.
     
    Best of all though is that I got to wear my new red coat.💗
     
    XX
     

  6. ScottishDeeDee
    I have just been told by my ex partner that she got engaged to her new man last night and my brain is struggling to absorb the information. I was looking after the 3 dogs this weekend with the children to allow her to travel down and hand our divorce papers in and then go for a hospital appointment today that had implications for a possible op so I was trying to help alleviate stress. I knew she would probably meet up with her man but that was not really a big deal, but promising to marry him kinda feels like it is.
    Apart from the surreal moment that I knew would happen at some point where she tried to reassure me that I would always be dad and he wouldn't try and take that from me she talked about him being okay with us still being friends - which is why she wanted to tell me herself (the translation of this motive though she probably could not admit it was simply that she can tell the kids now without worrying they would blab).
    After processing for a few minutes while she talked I told her that I hope that they will both find happiness with one another - and I mean that. All I have ever wanted for her was that she was happy. It just worked out that what she wanted in me was a friend and not a life partner.  He has his own teenage children and a tentative and usually acrimonious relationship with his ex wife, and at the moment their relationship involves a lot of travel across Scotland.
    My head hurts - I want to be happy for her but a part of me is thinking WTF! To get to the point of accepting marriage since telling me she wanted to walk away last September means that there is no way in hell that their relationship only just started up again once she had left - that unconfirmed but likely betrayal hurts the most. Now more than ever I feel totally used.
    I have always struggled with my self esteem and now even though I am bald and covered in hair I am thinking that I could try and make a life for myself as a woman. Who am I kidding? 👴👩‍💼
    It's like I am trying to be alone!
    Sorry - just ignore me I'm just venting, I just wish I hadn't invested so much when we got back together after the second time she left because it would hurt much less now to know that while she has already moved on I'm stuck in a literal no mans land not sure what the hell I'm doing. 😢
  7. ScottishDeeDee
    All my get up and go has got up and gone...  (borrowed from a mug I saw once) so true of me right now.  Earlier I waved my kids off for 3 weeks holidays with their mum, and when they come back I have them for 3.
    It should be a chance to be productive and maybe even work in some Dee time but I just can't.
    I have been sat in my empty house all day watching Stranger Things and eating my body weight in hummous, tomatoes, olives and crackers because I finished all the sweet things in the house already. I am seeking something, anything to keep my brain occupied from the thought that I am losing my daughter. Her mum moves away and she chose to go with her, something that we have both already cried about, we will miss each other but still see one another during holidays and the odd weekend visit, but it really really hurts.
    I have been stressed for this last week, almost constant headaches, short fuse, tired all day but unable to sleep until after 2am. Oh and of course stress/comfort eating.
    None of this has anything to do with being trans other than the fact I look at myself in the mirror and see some hairy bald guy staring back and I ask myself just who it is I think I am kidding. I am paying out all this money to remove my facial hair and I just think to myself that I am being stupid. I do not look like a woman, I do not sound like a woman, how would I ever know if I think like a woman when I've never been one? 
    I grew up a boy, thinking I was a boy, I was a fairly typical adolescent and thought I was a male adolescent, I grew into a man and got married and had children, yet somehow I have ended up here spending almost 10 months of my life almost constantly obsessing about my gender and for what? What does transitioning actually get me? What is the benefit? Because I honestly don't know. I am supposed to be finding myself but in reality I am more lost and confused then I have ever been.
    How can I be numb and in pain at the same time?
    😭😭😭😭😭
  8. ScottishDeeDee
    How do you even start to present female when your face is this rough all the time?
    Without being able to shave I am constantly being reminded of my facial hair as it catches on all my work shirts.  I expected the sunburn feeling but my face looks hideous at the moment and I hate it.
    After 4 days the dark hairs are still pushing their way out so my stubble is really rough, looks really obvious all the time even after I attempted to shave because I had to go and see someone, you would never know to look at me.
    It is so untidy and patchy! but more than that my skin is really dry and flaky and part of my top lip scabbed even with using the after care gel 2-3 times a day - my ex who is not the most observant of people actually asked what was up with my neck when she was talking to me today - I told her it happened after trying to use a straight razor I got for Christmas as a present - either shaving wrong or having the blade under water that was too hot & scalding myself.
    Do I have to worry about looking like this after every visit or will it calm down?
    At the moment I am struggling to see even a small glimpse of Dee at all in the mirror. I don't look or feel female - and yet I don't feel particularly male either regardless of how I look.
    What on earth am I doing?
  9. ScottishDeeDee
    * Just a quick content warning that this post is a candid one about a recent personal funeral experience*
     
    Today is a quiet day, I have spent the last hour just sitting and watching some of my favourite female comedians on "Live at the Apollo" as youtube has suggested and auto played one after the other. I did not start out doing that but it was good to laugh.
     
    In my work I have to walk a line of professionalism and caring, one you learn how to do and the other you either do or don't. When my ex told me that her granny had died and that her wishes had been for me to speak at the service I did not even consider saying no. I was meant to be starting my holidays and had already had to say no to two other families, but this one has a personal connection.  The next day my ex rang me again and told me that they had changed their minds and asked someone else to do it, so when I packed my bags to go and help my mum move, I was expecting to just be another mourner.
     
    I was content to believe that I would simply be turning up to pay my respects but when I arrived at my ex mother in laws house as she was taking the kids for a weekend while I attended a friends wedding I noticed my name on the order of service and pointed out that it needed to be changed before they did the big print run. I was assured it was meant to be there as they had decided that they wanted to honour their mums wishes and she had wanted me to be a part of the service. They had already planned the service out, and that was how I found out about my involvement. Not an awkward position to be put in at all...
    I also had to go through the part of meeting my ex wife's new fiance the night before the service itself while I was helping with last minute prep and knew that even without me there was enough of the usual family dramas going on to make the funeral a possible tinderbox.
    I made a point of cracking a couple of appropriate light hearted jokes with the new guy to break any tension and reassure my ex that I was not going to do anything (even though she knows that I would never even dream of being the one to cause an issue)  The day of the service I waited with the family and had the joy of it being the first time many of them had seen me since we had split up so I had to reassure all of them that I am doing okay while new guy sits literally behind me hugging my ex wife.
    My ex mother in laws ex was taking a cord at the burial, but did not want to sit with the family (it gets more complicated than that but I wont go into it here - 3 generations of the women in my exes family have married, cheated and then remarried - maybe I should have seen it coming)
     
    I am extremely good at self control - I worked on it as a teenager and mastered the art of locking down my feelings and frustrations and just letting them out later, as someone who has spent their life hiding and ignoring any indication of liking or wearing female clothing for the sheer guilt and shame of it I can assure you that the hardest thing to control is blushing, but that is a situation that happens rarely in my life.
     
    I did my bit, I had to pause a few times to suck back in the desire to shed tears and when my ex wife sang because she had been asked to I was glad I could sit and close my eyes so that I could keep my emotions under control. After the service I could then go and hug my children who had attended too but had been with the immediate family and were obviously gutted, after some coffee and some food I managed to get my nerves back down and stay in professional mode enough to be polite to those who wanted to speak to me even though I really did not want to be in that room any more.
     
    I was a wreck by the time I had completed the 3hr drive home that evening with the kids, those who knew I had been taking part in the service were getting anxious that I had not been in touch, and last night I was so drained that I probably slept soundly for the first time in a long time.
     
    Today I am still tired, happy that the wedding provided me with a chance to catch up with so many of my friends and literally give me an excuse to dance all night, though I laughed when I was dancing with my female friend who knows about me exploring being Trans and she "led" the dance, the hand grip is very different.
     
    There was one brilliant moment when it was me and 4 woman at the bar and they were all ordering white wine and lemonade and I said that I had better order a beer to at least put on the pretence of being manly, they laughed and made a joke about it, but the truth is while wine may not be my preference simply because of the cost per glass, I would have drank the same as them all night quite happily.  So much is about appearances, I may be trying to hide less  - I was offering helpful advice when a friend was putting on fake nails getting ready for the wedding, and I now message how i wish without shortening the responses or removing all of the hugs at the end (most of the time) but "beer" was a default response I didn't feel comfortable changing, even though it was my sister that taught me to drink pints in the first place.
     
    I also spent some time talking with someone who I have known for years, recently she has been messaging me - a change in her FB habits - to see if I was coming to the wedding and then again afterwards to thank me for the chat and the dances, and again last night to offer a virtual hug after a FB post about the funeral - we are both separated from our exes and both have kids that are on the autistic spectrum and there is nothing overtly romantic or flirty about the messages or her conversation, but it is a change in habit enough to trigger my warning sensors and I do not know if she wants more or not - I was as open as I could be with everyone about the fact that I am having a crisis of identity at the moment and trying to learn who I am, but this is something I do not know what to do about - we did not hug or kiss in person and I danced with literally all my female friends and at least two male friends - I am extremely quick to pick up on other peoples moods, but hopeless when it comes to myself.
     
    How would she feel if she knew that I was planning on going out and spending almost a full weekend as Dee at the end of this month, just to see how I feel about it?  Which at the moment is equal parts wanting to squeal with excitement and terror!
  10. ScottishDeeDee

    Over the moon!

    By ScottishDeeDee,


    Counselling
    I have just finished my 3rd video meeting with the psychologist in Sandyford clinic. This is the part that most smaller Gender Identity Clinics in Scotlaand have no say over and there have been 3 months between each apppointment. 
    I have dressed as myself the entire time, but oh how times have changed! 
    The first meeting I remember having a chair against the door in case my son got back from school while I was on the call, this time he is off school isolating and sitting watching TV and I was already dressed as myself today because I know I am not leaving the house this afternoon. 
    Today was the first time in months that I felt like wearing makeup too and although eye liner is still a nightmare I have discovered an eyeliner pencil is easier for me to use with my saggy eyelids than using the wee paintbrush to do it. I was actually quite pleased with how everything turned out too. I have even been able to do my nails because I do not have to pretend to be a man again until the weekend!
     
    The first meeting with her was quite rocky and seemed almost confrontational, she asked my story and then kept interrupting and seemed fixated on my ex.
    The next time I decided to treat her the same way I speak to my counsellor and just update her with my life and goals and see where she wants to go back to, but I thought long and hard about whether I was willing to change my transition timeline to suit someone else and decided no, she could go swivel as I know what is best for my circumstances and no one else.  The relationship between us instantly improved.
    Today I could say that other than my work things have been progressing well.  The psychologist said it was really nice to see me so happy and smiling, and I said it's because when I am not having to be in man mode for work I can now be myself 100% of the time.
    All my family know, 99% of my friends know, and some work colleagues whom I trust know. The circle is almost at that tipping point of becoming public, and the only thing I am waiting for is finding an opening so I can transfer to an area that will accept and allow me to be myself. Due to a big structural reshuffle I could end up stuck where I am for the next year if I cannot find somewhere soon, but I am not going to rush into applying for somewhere that will not fit my temperament just to get away and then end up creating more problems than I solve..
    All of that aside she has said that she is happy to conclude my first assessment. She will write up a confirmed diagnosis of gender dysphoria and transexualism (I dislike the term, but it is what she used and probably needs to write in my medical notes). She will recommend that I can now start hormone replacement therapy and that my local GIC will be in touch as soon as they receive the notes she will put on my record.  I am so excited I could not stop smiling!
    She went through the overview of mental and physical changes again and talked a little about masturbation and libido - how I find it now, and how I feel about the possibility of losing my libido and ability to have kids. 
    She also tried to make me feel a bit better because I said that while I recognise my self esteem is very low from my ex partners treatment of me, my job is already a kiss of death in most conversations, and adding being trans to that complication means I have pretty much resigned myself to being single for the rest of my life. She switched out of gender mode to pure psychology mode and told me that there may be plenty of people who are attracted to my authentic self and that my confidence may increase as my transition goes along. Certainly for me GRS is still my end goal, but I know I can request breast augmentation surgery and be covered by this assessment. When I want downstairs surgery I will need a second assessment and possibly have to meet with a totally separate psychologist too, and that is when I will have had to be living authentically for a year before anyone signs off on it. I do not envisage that being an issue.
    I am just so excited! I cannot wait to get the phone call asking me to go to the GIC for my weight and bloods!  Yay! 😁😁😁❤
     
    As an aside I also asked if I needed anything from her for legal name changes, and she said that she had only been asked for a letter once the year that she has been working here, but she would happily provide one if asked. (I believe in Scotland the process is fairly simple and can be done via self declaration, but it is good to know I will not have issues if I do need something with a letterhead on it.) I am beaming from ear to ear and just want to tell everyone I know that I have been cleared for hormones now, plus I actually feel fairly pretty today!
    Things are finally moving forwards!!!
    X
  11. ScottishDeeDee
    Yesterday was a long day, my ex mother inlaw came up for an overnight stay.
    My son has been stressed all week, they are now in what we call the tattie holidays in Scotland (because schools used to give children 2 weeks holiday to go and harvest potatoes (tatties)) so he will be away all week. His stress is because my ex is getting married this coming weekend, and he will be at her wedding and not with me - because it is also my birthday weekend. Next week I will get to have both kids though, so I am looking forward to hanging out with them.
    I actually get on quite well with my exes mum, we have some similar interests when it comes to watching design and housebuilding shows so the night wasn't too strained or awkward, and I cooked us all a roast chicken dinner. I had already packed everything for my son so they just had to get up and go this morning, so now I have a week to myself.
     
    The first thing I have done is get dressed, simple and lazy makeup because it is just mascara and lippy, and just because I know I am not going anywhere so it is purely to make me feelgood about myself.
    I have also put my nails on, I have then spent a little time making a start on a costume that I am trying to build - in my imagination I would like to wear it to a convention one day, but in reality I will probably just post a pic or two up and then hide it in my wardrobe.
     
    I did look outside on the offchance I could maybe sneak out for a drive, but it is wet and miserable, and there is nowhere I could go and stay anonymous.
    So The American Barbecue showdown has kept me company today while I have been crafty. This is one of those times where I wish I had friends I could go out and meet as Dee, because I am feeling comfortable in my skin, even if I am also feeling quite down.
     
    I would not want to get back with my ex, but I cannot help but throw a temper tantrum at the fact that she could spend years tearing me down and then go off with someone, while I have to build myself up from scratch and as a trans woman without any idea what I will do or how to do it, le alone who with, I am pretty much resigned to being on my own. Today I just want to curl up and snuggle with someone on the sofa. 🙎‍♀️
     
     


  12. ScottishDeeDee
    I do not mean it in that way before anyone panics. I just like the play on words...  
     
    I was just reading a blog by someone who identified themselves as an INFJ woman - a lot of what she wrote made sense, and the 3 times I have done Meyers Briggs I have always been INFP.  Sometimes I drift a little but it comes as no surprise, given the emotional turmoil I have gone through in the last 6 months I thought I would give it a go and see where I classify - I took maybe 3 minutes to answer a 12 minute quiz - most of the questions were dead easy for me to answer because I have literally lived a lot of the situations and know how I respond to them.
     
    The quiz does not "do" much but is designed to help you understand why you behave in a certain way when faced with certain situations, and why you possibly get on with or clash with others - the times I have taken it have all been in work place training seminars designed to improve team effectiveness.  (I know the P as perception rather than prospecting - but it is the same letter)
     
    Thank you for completing our personality test! Here is a copy of your results:
      Personality type: “The Mediator” (INFP-T)
    Individual traits: Introverted – 89%, Intuitive – 63%, Feeling – 99%, Prospecting – 79%, Turbulent – 51%
    Role: Diplomat
    Strategy: Constant Improvement
     
    Here is the wiki explanation of me  
     
    I – Introversion preferred to extraversion: INFPs tend to be quiet and reserved. They generally prefer interacting with a few close friends rather than a wide circle of acquaintances, and they expend energy in social situations (whereas extraverts gain energy).[5] N – Intuition preferred to sensing: INFPs tend to be more abstract than concrete. They focus their attention on the big picture rather than the details, and on future possibilities rather than immediate realities.[6] F – Feeling preferred to thinking: INFPs tend to value personal considerations above objective criteria. When making decisions, they often give more weight to social implications than to logic. P – Perception preferred to judgment: INFPs tend to withhold judgment and delay important decisions, preferring to "keep their options open" should circumstances change.  
     
    All in all I am not surprised, it does not change the fact that I work in a position that forces me into an extroverted role in a lot of my dealings with others - but that is why the people parts mean so much to me - and also why I can spew forth so much in my blog because the thoughts and feelings are constantly swirling away! Even when I spend days hiding in my house without feeling a need to speak to someone and then get exhausted by the interaction when I do.
    As someone who is trying to know who I am it is somewhat reassuring to know that this has not changed, and perhaps it offers some insight as to why I agonise so much over everything  - even to the point of trying to write in a way that eliminates the need for gendered pronouns (in case I accidentally offend someone or they read too much in to my choice whether habit or deliberate - can I refer to myself as herself when I haven't taken any steps to actually back that up and would technically be a himself even though I do not really want to be most of the time or themselves which makes me separate out male-me and Dee which is an impossible task? You get the drift...)  
    Do you know what your personality type is I wonder and does it seem to match up with your own thoughts?
  13. ScottishDeeDee
    My ex wife was on the phone today as we sorted out the childcare for the upcoming Easter holidays and swapped updates with how the children are getting on at school (currently my son lives with me and my daughter lives with her during the week and we alternate weekends with both - it will change to just 50% during holidays soon as my ex is almost certainly going to be moving out of the area and my daughter will want to go with her mum - our kids are about as happy as they can be in the circumstances).  The frustration comes with the delay in the divorce, I thought it would be coming through in the next couple of weeks, but now the courts want more money from her to finalise the agreement so it will be another 3-6 weeks depending on when she has the money to get it done.
    This is a very busy time for me and I was really hoping to get one thing ticked off my stress list. The sooner the divorce is finalised the more content I will be that if she discovers I am trans before I want it out in the world then she will not be able to alter the childcare arrangements without getting the courts involved.
     
    The other frustration is aimed squarely at myself. If I had called the gender clinic when I first started questioning I would only have a month or two to wait for an appointment, but instead I have to wait until October.  I spend most of my time in bed at the moment trying unsuccessfully to imagine what my life would be like if I chose to transition to female. Trying to work out a kind of pro/con scenario about my family & friends, my work and which colleagues would disown me and what direction my life would take in general. 
    Some aspects and connections I am making in my work as male me at the moment are going very well and they would all need to change significantly.
    Transitioning will be a permanent change - there is no going back to just being me. I keep finding myself wanting to tell people on some days and then worrying that the more people I tell the more pressure there will be to actually transition.
     
    May will soon be here and with it the pride weekend I have promised my niece we would go to - yet I have still only been out once, am I ready to turn up for a full weekend as Dee? Do I really want to do it with my niece, who is young enough to accept it without worrying but has enough of her own issues and insecurities?
    I keep sabotaging myself, I am not exercising and somehow keep buying bars of chocolate even when I know I need to lose weight and will not be able to fit into the clothes I own soon if I keep it up. I  have increased my veg intake substantially but my eating habit is terrible at the moment, especially in the evenings.
     
    Do I feel like this because I do not think I will make a "good woman"? - which I think means shaking off the perception of just being a man acting like a woman, or do I feel this way because a part of me knows I should not transition and have just been enjoying an extended "wouldn't it be nice if I could start again" escape scenario since last October.
    Or do I feel this way because of the magnitude of actually being openly female in front of people whose opinions I care about scares the crap out of me?
    Am I fighting it just because I am transphobic on some level? It seems to be fine for everyone else, just not for me at the moment.
    Am I just looking for excuses to continue being "cis'' and forget all this?
    I have spent my life trying to blend in to the background, to not be noticed or stand out except when I have to, and this is something that will 100% prevent me from doing that.  It is hard to tell which side I am making the excuses for. I do not want to transition, but I Need to be authentic and honest with myself and the people around me.. If I understand the definitions correctly I have more social and emotional dysphoria than physical dysphoria - it is more like I experience euphoria when I physically look like how I mentally feel.
    I do not even know if that is the right way to express my feelings but if becoming Dee is so right why is it such a struggle?
  14. ScottishDeeDee

    Just a little vanity :)

    By ScottishDeeDee,


    Counselling
    Honestly, I just want to commemorate feeling great about myself today lol.
    As I finished writing up my wordpress blog today I had such a feeling of happiness and well being that even changing back to my black and grey boys clothes and dealing with more school drama, and the cancellation of my online D&D game tonight hasn't quite managed to quash.
    I look at that picture of me in my kitchen, smiling because of how ridiculous it feels to be balancing a phone on a draw in order to try and get a full body shot from closer than half a mile away. I have never been this vain or preened so much over my appearance, because living as a guy I really didn't give a crap.
    I like this picture, I like how it makes me feel, and I like how it felt just living my day as DeeDee again.
    At some point in the last couple of weeks I have mentally and emotionally accepted myself.
    The path to becoming who I am all the time regardless of everyone else is what I need to plan for now. I have been so jealous reading about women over the last two years who have had that eureka moment really quickly, and yet mine almost sneaked by without me noticing. 
    Both counsellors today picked up on my mood and enthusiastic certainty (my work one was pleasantly surprised that I am feeling positive instead of flat, but still has not helped me to find a way to build the resilience I know I will need to come out in the church, not that she knows that is one of my goals yet) but it is absolutely down to the fact that I have finally stopped feeling totally overwhelmed by everything. 
    Yay!
    💖 

  15. ScottishDeeDee

    Ups and Downs

    By ScottishDeeDee,

    I am having a down type of week, I am really missing my daughter. Since she moved away to stay with her mum (her choice) my son is enjoying the structure and ability to do what he wants but every so often he says he is sad that his sister is not here with us and I have to agree. It's been 3 days since I have heard from her but I do not want to constantly message her or she will not settle into her new routine. This has absolutely been the hardest part of the divorce.
    I have slowly put on all the weight I lost last year too so I am back to where I started last September. So today I feel ugly. Even if I wanted to dress in my proper clothes I couldn't because I doubt most of them will fit me now  That makes me feel ugly like I do today, another side effect to being divorced is that the feeling of not being good enough that I had moaned at me all throughout my marriage has never gone away, I still feel unloveable and unattractive, so all of that combined makes me miserable and turn to sugary carb filled rubbish.  I am back to struggling to gt my work done.
    On the plus side I have done two 5km walk and jogs this week as well as a small swim and I am trying to establish healthy routines again.
    My initial gender clinic appointment is in October so I only have 6 weeks to wait until I finally see someone and can get a professional opinion on whether I have inherited my mothers crazy genes or if I am genuinely stuck in the wrong body.
    I am closer now than I have ever been to wanting to transition socially, it is still too early in my journey but more and more I feel less like a man as I try and define what makes a man a man and a woman a woman. When I spend time in groups I struggle to find points of interest with the men falling back on probing to discover their hobbies and getting them to talk about themselves instead, or just mentioning UK politics which everyone has an opinion on just now.
    It is odd because I feel more at peace with the idea that I really do see myself as female despite what the outward view is, not all the time, but definitely most of the time.
    I also really want to go out as Dee again and not having a chance to be able to is weighing on me. 
    I guess I am just rambling, but sometimes it is good to get it all out.
    xx
  16. ScottishDeeDee

    The way its aye been

    By ScottishDeeDee,


    Mood
    This may not be as much of a big deal for anyone outside of the UK but I needed to work out my thoughts and I think the world is predominantly Patriarchal.
     
    In the UK since International Womens day and the horrific news story of Sarah Everard being murdered (and subsequently a police officer being arrested for it) my news feeds have been absolutely filled with women talking out about the systemic violence and abuse that they suffer at the hands of men, some talked about curfews for men, which I believed was in response to the comments talking about how she should have known better to be out alone cutting through a park after dark. The two hastags #notallmen and #allwomen have been very prominent and I have been unable and unwilling to comment anywhere else.
     
    It is something you either understand or you don't.
     
    The entire world outside of the internet still knows me only as male, I don't like being lumped in with abusers and it was the woman I trusted most that has caused me the most emotional and psychological damage in my lifetime so it makes me sad to be accused by association of being a possible risk. Any comment I make can be construed as mansplaining or encouraging victim blaming. I have spent almost 40 years trying to be the best man that I could be and constantly felt like I was failing, I have also been catcalled and groped by strange women and have experienced fear and embarrassment and my skin crawling, but ultimately these experiences were few and far between.
     
    I also know that when I have gone out as DeeDee it is not women that scare me, but the possible violence of men.
    As I begin to come out to my friends I know that it is the reaction of their husbands that will determine whether or not I will still have a place in their lives.
    It will be men who predominantly choose whether or not to make my life miserable at any work function because they are still overwhelmingly in the majority.
    I may seek approval and acceptance by women but I know that while I want that I would settle for polite tolerance by men.
    I fully agree with and understand the assessment that this society is broken, and that brokenness comes from the power wielded by men.
     
    When I was growing up, I was told by my dad, "be safe and if you can't be safe, be careful", while my sisters were told, "you're not going out dressed like a tart!".
    Every single one of my four sisters has been cat called and objectified, and both my mum and my sister have experienced trauma during which they were just seen as hysterical and emotional women by those in positions of authority. A drunk neighbour followed my ex home and tried to get into the flat when she was at home with our son as a baby and while she called me and talked to me while she was dealing with him she did not want me to drive home across town to be a physical deterrent. (I couldn't fight my way out of a wet paperbag, but I would put myself in harms way to protect others as often as was needed)
     
    Having to teach "stranger danger" to children in nurseries, having to have conversations with my children about what to do if someone asks them for personal information or pictures online. Knowing that I have taught both children what to do if they are ever grabbed by someone, or told to keep secrets. Knowing that statistically it will be a man that carries out this type of crime and worse it may be someone they know. Having watched adult material online and as someone who understands the sheer scale of the worldwide sex industry and the fact that slavery and human trafficking is still very much big business which caters for all, but in which the biggest and most lucrative market caters for men.
     
    I feel like I am in the middle and voiceless. Caught in between two perspectives. I have admitted I am trans but have not socially transitioned. So I belong to neither group at the moment.
     
    I understand the pain of being accused of something that I have never knowingly done, I have grown up professionally and privately understanding my male privilege whilst trying to never deliberately take advantage of it but having it nonetheless. Always assuming that I was just empathatic, when in fact it is deeper and comes from a place of identifying with the things known as weaknesses and seeing them as strengths. I am all for equality, but that standard must apply and be adhered to by everyone, not just one side or the other. Extremism is by it's nature dangerous regardless of which end of the scale it is on.
     
    While cis people are only aware of the privilege of their own gender, transgender and bigender people must surely be highly aware of both, because no matter MTF or FTM (or bigender) they will experience both perspectives and will gain and lose from those experiences.
     
    There should not be an expectation for women to alter their lives, their routines, their clothes, and their conversations or their expectations in life to appease men, "just in case", but it is the normality and incredulousness of it all that has really made me sad.
    In Scotland we have the phrase, "the way its aye been" which we use to describe traditions and practices that have been that way so long that no one really remembers why.
    Some things just should not be normal.

  17. ScottishDeeDee

    Splitting Hairs

    By ScottishDeeDee,

    On Tuesday and Wednesday I shaved my legs (30 minutes and 2 razors for each leg! ), on Thursday I used depilatory cream on my chest and under arms (I like the ease but it never takes it all away roughly 10 mins including the rinse to make sure the cream is all off afterwards) and today I shaved my arms (30 mins for both). 😮😫
     
    After being hairy again for so long - I cannot remember the last time I de-fuzzed entirely but it is almost like a literal weight has been lifted. I feel so much better!! 💖
     
    I knew I would be at home today too so I put on a simple white top and a pair of loose fitting black wide trousers with white spots and then just some mascara and lip gloss and of course my hair and had a me morning. It was three hours of bliss  I did not get any work done but honestly I cannot tell you just how right my reflection felt in the mirror and my mood has definitely lifted.
     
    Even having to spend the time taking the mascara off and putting on my dad clothes did not dampen my spirits.
     
    In other news I have been trying to look up how to tell your children you are transgender and have not found much that is helpful, lots of info for parents of transgender children, and a rather toxic mumsnet thread where 3 women who had split from their partners because they came out as transgender and then projected all of their fears and bigotry onto what the kids would think (that did make me sad - I have the same worry around getting my kids bullied that they cite but they really downplayed trans as a life choice - they said their partners when from being thoughtful men to self centred shallow women) 
     
    I also found a blog from a woman who had told her children by asking them if they were okay with it - I already know that mine do not like change, the split has been tough enough for them, adding autism onto that will not make them say yes lol.  However they dressed at home for a year in front of their children before they went full time.Though the good advice as talking about how sometimes things are not the same on the inside as they are on the outside is something I could use..
     
    It's been an interesting day so far!
    x
     
  18. ScottishDeeDee
    It is interesting to me that after months of being unable to dress in feminine clothing or paint my nails or blogging, even really spending much time online I still haven't gone away from seeing myself as female.
    A small part of me wondered if I was just desperately trying to fit in and keep myself busy. Being DeeDee here gives me an excuse to trawl through the online shops looking for clothes and shoes and imagining going out in them.
    Literally this week I have been giving myself pep talks. It took me 4 weeks to do the first 2 weeks of the couch to 5k app, but I have calmed down on my bad habit of eating junk food and sugar at nights, every time I go to the cupboard looking for chocolate I ask myself if I want to remain a sad, fat man or if I would be confident going out with my tummy as Dee and it helps me to grab a glass of water and walk out the room - not all the time, but most of the time. I am also calling myself DeeeDee when I do this, that yellow summer dress is still hanging in the cupboard and while I may never be small enough in the shoulders for it - to be able to wear something like that just makes me sigh whistfully.
     
    I am noticing that I am more in tune with myself now - I cannot watch gore any more - I turned off Danny Trejo's Machete because it was too graphic and I have wanted to see it for years because it had such good reviews for an action film and I think he is incredibly underrated as an actor. I still enjoy action and thrillers but I find myself "awwwing" at the screen or starting to well up at sad or emotional moments that I would have used to roll my eyes or joke at.
     
    I have also started back up applying lip balm all the time and wearing nighties to bed and knickers under my clothes.  It is almost a compulsion, but it seems to help, especially as my body is hairy and could do with a good shave.
    I intened to phone the GIC again this coming week and ask when they are going to start back up appointments as the one I was supposed to have on 23rd March was cancelled due to lockdown.
     
    It kind of feels like I am more at peace with myself than I have been, mostly because I am getting over my fear of moving forwards, I am more positive when I think of myself as DeeDee, I feel more certain that the way I think and see life is just not the same as my cis male friends, so thinking of myself as transgender is simple logic. I can't see myself as a woman - but perhaps that will change with my presentation and hormones - I will never be able to hide or ignore my past so I have to be okay with being born with the right brain, but a body that needs some adjustments.
     
    I do sometimes pine over not having someone to share my life with, but as I am definitely attracted to women, but fantasise about men seeing me as a woman - I think I can leave that puzzle until I am whole, in the end it isn't really that important to moving forwards in my life - I've done enough trying to please someone else for a lifetime.
     
    There are moments when I wobble and think that I am going to be alone and miserable and abandoned and look hideous, or somehow worse that I will end up in an old folks home and get dementia and think of myself as male even though I would be a bald old lady. How does being trans and having dementia work? (realistically no one in my family seems to lives to retirement age, breaking 50 is a big deal for us, so it is possibly a bit of a moot point)
     
    I have those wobble moments, and those negative thoughts, and I know that I am still struggling with my motivation and finding joy, but I 100% seem to be more motivated as Dee then as the male version. I will lose weight, I will find my voice and I will get my motivation to enjoy my life and work back.
    💖
  19. ScottishDeeDee
    This is one of those quirky hard to define groups I discovered a few years ago and absolutely loved, I bought both albums and listened to them constantly on repeat for ages. Due to spending a lot more time online recently I spotted them again on YT this week and got a lovely surprise!
    They are still unique and Bunny looks incredible!
    It seems that a few musical bands that I have loved over the years have ended up having a trans member, or have been outspoken trans allies, I wonder if there is a subconscious connection?
     
  20. ScottishDeeDee

    The List

    By ScottishDeeDee,

    On Tilly's recent blog after some encouragement from Monica, Emma very kindly shared a list of things that she had shared with her therapist while wrestling with her identity.
    It had been split into different age stages but included some if not all of the "pointers" and memories that hinted at her true gender.
    Christy had also said she had found the exercise of creating a list beneficial to her. 
    So last night I sat up and decided to see if I could compile my own "List". 
    I was surprised about a few things.
    Firstly that I could actually make a list, I still have an inner voice that tells me that I cannot possibly be Trans and that I am just avoiding dealing with my marriage breakup because they happened so close together. In part the truth is the marriage break up led me to start asking who I was, my relationship with my ex works well as friends and she is confiding in me again (even though some of the topics I do not think appropriate for your ex husband, she does not think about my feelings like that and I would never tell her).
    Secondly, while there is more in adult memory than childhood I realised that there are still things that I put down before puberty struck and my hormones went wild. 🤬
    Thirdly while I am embarrassed about the strong connection to self pleasure and pornography, I can see patterns in the categories I have found myself getting fixated on for a while, and when looked at dispassionately they all point strongly to an urge to be seen as female.
    It is also why the first thing I did was remove that element and see if I still wanted to dress feminine when stimulation was not a part of the equation and yeah, it still felt like me and still feels somehow right.
    I haven't included the actual "list" in this post because of the numerous references to adult genres, but am happy to post it if others are interested. I have effectively already blogged about it all previously anyway so none of it is secret. (that in itself has helped with some of my personal Transphobia although I did not know that's what the guilt was until recently).
    As my list was compiled in one day there is a good chance I will have missed a few things, but I do want to say thank you for the thought exercise - it has genuinely been very educational for me and it has given me a couple of things to think about.
    🤔🤗👸😯
  21. ScottishDeeDee

    Feeling Different

    By ScottishDeeDee,

    Well this morning has been an interesting one, I've been realising that a few of my feelings have shifted... Since the end of last October I have been using female deodorant exclusively, I prefer the smell and found that the "sure" brand were neutral enough for everyday use without being overtly feminine. I ran out this week and hadn't bought more as the kids have been with me when I have gone shopping, so used my male deodorant for the first time in months this morning and realised that I do not like it at all. I don't smell right. When I came back to my house I actually put some perfume on just to cover the scent.
     
    I also watched a Pixar short called Purl - it is obviously about sexism and chauvinism in the workplace, but when Purl observes the others and then moulds herself to fit in - it managed to capture exactly how I feel around male dominated groups. I'd recommend it, though it does have an adult joke in it so it is not aimed at young kids.
     
  22. ScottishDeeDee
    I shaved properly (with a razor instead of my electric shaver) for the first time since my laser this morning and because I knew I would have the house to myself i put on my prettiest black dress and a pair of heels I bought ages ago but will never wear out because the heels are far too impractical... I wanted to see if it made me feel girly as I feel like Dee has been very quiet recently, not gone just not as loud or as certain as she has been. After teetering around making myself a late breakfast my intention was to sit and get some work done on my computer but instead I sat watching "Am I trans enough" videos on Youtube. An hour later I had taken the dress off as my libido was kicking in, dressing female has been heavily ingrained with satisfaction that my body responds automatically quite frequently and I end up horny without quite meaning or wanting to.  
    I came back to the laptop and watched a couple of other videos of people and was disheartened again by the narrative of "I've always known" and "it was change or die" that I always seem to find hard because that has not been my personal experience, the Youtuber said that for her she went to a doctor and had done the Cogiati test, ans was told of course you are trans just get on with it.  This is 10+ years ago. Out of interest I googled it and took the test, (3 times lol)  I think I got the same thing now that I did when I was going through my online test phase late October - each time I fall into category 4 "Probable Transexual".
    "What this means is that the Combined Gender Identity And Transsexuality Inventory has classified your internal gender identity to be essentially feminine, but with some masculine or androgynous traits. It is very possible that you are a candidate for a diagnosis of transsexualism. You show a strong degree of gender dysphoria. At the very least, further investigation should be undertaken. Your COGIATI score places you among the majority of those diagnosed as transsexuals, the 'late onset' transsexual." (the words above are copied straight from the site and are starting to show their age)
     
    Lol - even the online quiz, which by the third time of taking it I must have been deliberately attempting to skew answers while still being honest only uses words like "probable". I know that others have taken this test and that in reality it means diddly squat. My score floated somewhere between 170 and 205, though the site doesnt tell you out of what, last time I used a site that had the gradings and scores etc... The 205 was actually when I took the test the first time today, so in fact I became more masculine in my answers as I attempted to become more feminine lol. Problem is I cannot lie, and some of the questions are hard to answer and I never moved out of the same bracket.
    It seems that I am destined to not have someone tell me one way or the other - although a few very kind people online have told me that I am a transperson because of the content and thoughts that I have shared and that one day soon I will embrace it and move on. 
    I do not really see any of these online tests as being indicative one way or another.   I think that a part of me accepts that I must be trans to even want to be seen and recognised as a woman while a part of me just sees this whole process as one long irrevocable disaster waiting to happen.
    Every online piece of advice states categorically that you should not transition unless you are sure, but that seems to be a luxury that I am not able to afford.
    I was asked recently if I have a goal or a plan and I honestly do not.  My only goal is to truly know who I am and to accept myself. Inner peace will lead to outer peace, I just want to do that with as little drama as possible. Unfortunately while I appear all calm and casual on the outside, inside my brain and emotions are tumbling around like a washing machine on a spin cycle.
    On the plus side though I have been able to laugh at myself today instead of just sighing. Which I take to be a good sign.
    x
  23. ScottishDeeDee
    On Friday, as soon as my son leaves for school I can pack my car, make the 2.5 hr drive to my sisters, and then the next 2-3 hr drive down to my nieces.
    If I can then I intend to be Dee when I get in the car, or if not then pretty much from the moment we arrive at my nieces I will unpack and change.
     
    This was suggested ages ago when my niece first found out I was questioning my gender. She did not really understand it, but she very much wanted to show her support. We have always had a good relationship, so it was a nice gesture.  So I checked to see if she was genuinely serious and then agreed as it was a local Pride event and there would be plenty of events on guaranteeing a bit more anonymity and less pressure if I do not pass.
    At the time I figured I had months to get used to the idea of going outside as Dee, and that I would be more confident and then life happened lol.  I have been outside once, in the woods, when they were deserted.
    I ordered a wig off Amazon that has the trans flag colours starting at light blue and going down to pink, along with a couple of flag pin badges. I've bought a beautiful leather bracelet watch that I can wear instead of my cheapy sports watch and my utility handbag.
     
    This afternoon I literally went through my entire femme wardrobe, which is tiny and apart from a few items consists entirely of the hand me downs from my sister. I literally pulled everything out and tried it on - my goal to lose weight obviously did not go to plan and so I wanted to see what I could and couldn't wear. Oh to not have a tummy! Some of the tees looked incredibly frumpy and were instantly discarded, a pair of slightly flared white jeans looked really good but were too tight to be practical and so I whittled it down to a red skirt and white top, or my dark jeans and butterfly tee or my dark jeans and black and blue asymmetrical top. Simply for a casual Friday night and for wandering around stalls in the village area on the Saturday.
    I only have 2 dresses to choose between for Sat night though, a gorgeous little black velvet flared dress which may be a bit OTT for going pubbing and clubbing or a simpler but slightly more modest blue and black fit and flare dress which does not look as good in person as it looked online. If I decide against them we may have to go shopping for something cheap and cheerful to wear to go dancing in. 
     
    I have a nice set of black heels that are modest, a pair of black boots and a pair of comfy trainers that will both go with the jeans and a light (bright pink) rain jacket I picked up in a charity shop in a last minute panic.
    Apart from the fun wig I have my two favourite blonde wigs, a set of nails and eye lashes and all the makeup I own in a little case. Oh and I have an old PAYG phone that I have charged and checked so I can still take selfies and not worry that FB will be popping them up on my timeline for everyone I know to see.
     
    Oh and because I have done two 5k's the last couple of weekends I have taken leggings and a ladies running top just in case I end up doing that with my sister on Saturday morning, because even if I do it will be as Dee.
     
    I am taking far too much, I know this, but I cannot decide what I want to wear and it will also depend on what my niece intends to wear.
    On the Saturday day she is wearing a rainbow wig, black leggings and a bright pink tutu - just because she can. She is on the larger side, and has some self confidence issues so our intention is to support each other and have a blast doing it.
     
    I cannot see my bed at the moment because I now have to start the process of fitting it all into the suitcase so it is packed away and ready to go in the car.
     
    I am a bundle of nerves but absolutely buzzing with nervous energy. 😳😳
     
    I have deliberately let my chest hair grow back thick enough that I can use a depilatory cream on it tonight and so once I de-fuzz tomorrow I am good to go!
     
    I have literally packed a case to go away every week for the last three weeks, but they were all full of man clothes and so much easier to to pack light for.
     
    Anyone got any useful last minute advice?
  24. ScottishDeeDee

    Fathers Day

    By ScottishDeeDee,

    Tomorrow will be fathers day. Given the mess of my marriage it is safe to say that my experiences of fathers day have been sporadic at best, the odd wee card or slice of toast brought to the bedroom. Always an after thought or last minute purchase. Once or twice a decent bottle of whisky, but overall meh - usually we had to go and share with my exes dad, until he fell out of favour. This year we swapped the weekends around so that the kids could be  with me for Fathers day - it meant my ex could go off to a music festival so it wasn't completely altruistic on her part, but I think I got the better deal.  She left a £10 in an envelope with a card my daughter made at her after school club with a note saying time had run out and she hadn't had time for her to buy anything. My son never got a mention and she had them the last 2 weekends. For comparison on Mothers day I made sure the kids had bought a card and some butter fudge which is one of her favourite sweets and then bought and cooked a 2 course meal at her house with the kids for her.
     
    It is not about the stuff (genuinely couldn't care less) but every so often I am reminded of just how far down the priority list I am unless she needs something and it still stings..
    So I bought a Terrys Chocolate Orange and some nice ingredients and we are going to have a big Roast Dinner tomorrow complete with GF yorkies and gravy, and then we are going to go for a family walk along one of the local beaches with the dog that I seem to get almost every time my daughter comes because my ex struggles to ditch all 3 dogs when she goes off on her weekends.
     
    I have been struggling with what to think about Fathers Day.  It seems a bit daft celebrating it when I am effectively waiting for my October appointment (which got pushed back a week to the 2nd week in October by sms this week- yay! 💩) you know, considering I do not now and nor have I ever felt like a good father. I have been told I am by a load of people but it has always rang empty, not humility, just - not true.  Why do we separate them out and not just have a happy parent day? Every time one or the other comes around there are single parents (a couple of my sisters included) and grandparents raising children that stand up and say "I do this job too" so why do we have to make it such hallmark, card giving gender thing?
     
    I don't know if I'm peed off at the day itself or because I will feel like a fraud when my daughter gives me the card she made for her dad.  
  25. ScottishDeeDee

    Don't judge!

    By ScottishDeeDee,


    Mood
    Honestly, I spend most of my life telling other people not to judge others; both professionally and personally, and yet I was caught out doing it this weekend.
    I have 4 sisters, 2 older and 2 younger, the older sisters I see regularly and have kept up to date about my questioning and gender counselling and they have been very supportive even though they have never seen me as particularly feminine.
    My younger sisters accepted the news when I told them, but I always thought the youngest was very cool about it in her response of, "you do you" - so cool as in not very enthusiastic, but accepting to a point. Neither of them have mentioned it to me since nor called me anything other than my male name or brother.
     
    I had a chance while running (and walking) a 5km with her yesterday morning kid free to speak a little bit more about it, and it turns out that what I had taken for her being apathetic was actually just her not wanting to bring up my being trans until I was comfortable speaking to her about it.
    I caught her up with where I was and the fact that I am no longer questioning but actively looking to move onto hormones and transition and she was very supportive, she said that she was proud of me and that I had dealt with enough shit over the last couple of years and deserve to be happy. I talked about the clash of feelings of being called bro or my male name, while also understanding that as none of the kids know yet they can't use DeeDee in front of them, and she talked about how it will take time to shift in her mind because she has known me as her brother her whole life, but she will try her best to shift when I start publicly presenting because it will be easier then.
    When I told her that my dream of ordering a coffee as DeeDee might sound silly, she assured me that it didnt, and that it was a big deal to be able to do it.
    She did however say that if I ever walked in wearing a straw like cheap barbie style wig that she would disown me. Which seems fair enough.
     
    I was so glad to clear the air with her. ❤️
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