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Ups and Downs

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By ScottishDeeDee

· 2,379 views

I am having a down type of week, I am really missing my daughter. Since she moved away to stay with her mum (her choice) my son is enjoying the structure and ability to do what he wants but every so often he says he is sad that his sister is not here with us and I have to agree. It's been 3 days since I have heard from her but I do not want to constantly message her or she will not settle into her new routine. This has absolutely been the hardest part of the divorce.

I have slowly put on all the weight I lost last year too so I am back to where I started last September. So today I feel ugly. Even if I wanted to dress in my proper clothes I couldn't because I doubt most of them will fit me now :( That makes me feel ugly like I do today, another side effect to being divorced is that the feeling of not being good enough that I had moaned at me all throughout my marriage has never gone away, I still feel unloveable and unattractive, so all of that combined makes me miserable and turn to sugary carb filled rubbish.  I am back to struggling to gt my work done.

On the plus side I have done two 5km walk and jogs this week as well as a small swim and I am trying to establish healthy routines again.

My initial gender clinic appointment is in October so I only have 6 weeks to wait until I finally see someone and can get a professional opinion on whether I have inherited my mothers crazy genes or if I am genuinely stuck in the wrong body.

I am closer now than I have ever been to wanting to transition socially, it is still too early in my journey but more and more I feel less like a man as I try and define what makes a man a man and a woman a woman. When I spend time in groups I struggle to find points of interest with the men falling back on probing to discover their hobbies and getting them to talk about themselves instead, or just mentioning UK politics which everyone has an opinion on just now.

It is odd because I feel more at peace with the idea that I really do see myself as female despite what the outward view is, not all the time, but definitely most of the time.

I also really want to go out as Dee again and not having a chance to be able to is weighing on me. 

I guess I am just rambling, but sometimes it is good to get it all out.

xx

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    Jessicatoyou

    Members

    Hi Dee,  I really hope things get much better for you in the coming months: there is a lot on your plate, first and foremost, your new family structure. There is a lot to get used too and figure out right now.  I'm also happy your first therapy sessions are close to happening. At first, I never really expected to learn much from mine, but did without a doubt!  Ultimately it will be you that decides whether or not to go full steam ahead, not the therapist!  Good luck; we need many more decent people like you out there representing us right now.🙋‍♀️.  Keep looking through the clouds and you'll always see the sun.🌞

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    MonicaPz

    Moderators

    Dear Dee,

    Keep in touch with us on a regular basis, both when times are good as well as when times are bad.

    Also, here are some T/LGB warm lines that I found very supportive:

    LGBT National Hotline: 1-888-843-4564 and 1-888-234-7243

    LGBT Peer Counseling: 1-215-732-8255

    SAGE: 1-888-234-7243

    Know these are all USA numbers.

    Happen to call one of them about once every three months. The secret is to call a warm line (as opposed to a "crisis" line) before you are overwhelmed.

    Also, try to work towards to having a small circle of friends, both face to face, telephone friends, as well as online.

    You may ask if anyone here on TGGuide lives near your city.

    We are here for you!

    Your friend,

    Monica

     

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    ScottishDeeDee

    Members

    Thanks Monica, perhaps someone else who sees this will benefit from those warm line numbers :) but that is effectively what I am blogging here for. I find the writing cathartic and it helps me stop wallowing and focus on really understanding how I feel. I am physically isolated from my real life friends, the two couples I have confided in stay too far for regular contact and even the ones I haven't are a good 3hr drive away. Moving will be on the cards eventually especially if I become Dee socially full time, but at the moment it would just create a different set of problems rather than solving any.  I will find my momentum again soo enough though - thank you both for your kindness. 💛

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    Emma

    Moderators

    Hi Dee,

    Sorry to read this; it’s very understandable that you’re feeling this way. 

    With a bit of hindsight I see that I’ve been dealing with a lot of grief over the last several years. My divorce, my transition, moving 1,000 miles away. 

    I suggest thinking about grief, maybe studying it through books, YouTube videos, etc. It’s especially important for you to try to be easy on yourself, patient, and kind with yourself. Yes it’s easy to say and hard to do. 

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    MonicaPz

    Moderators

    Dear Dee and Emma,

    Emma, that is a great suggestion! Find YouTube very healing! Am on it every night, I must confess!

    Dee, try typing, "grieving after a divorce," "grieving after losing a child through divorce," and for your son, "grieving after losing a sibling through divorce."

    Please let us know how it goes!

    Your friend,

    Monica 

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    ScottishDeeDee

    Members

    Thanks Emma, I will do some searching and viewing and move away from depressing myself with Youtubers documenting the pace that the UK NHS gender services move at. I was watching someone who said about accessing the services, "You can either pay for your transition with money, or with time."  It stuck with me because it is true, in any transaction there is a triangle of quality, speed and cost and you can only ever get two out of three at most. I would rather go slow and have a quality (genuinely thought through) experience than rush and regret something later. I will be fine. I always am. x

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