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ScottishDeeDee

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Blog Entries posted by ScottishDeeDee

  1. ScottishDeeDee
    I was just offered some good advice on my main blog and want to stick it somewhere to digest and process it.  Well, it's not really advice, more of a suggestion.
    I know that I fit the definition of being transgender. Any which way you look at it I am not comfortable in this body of mine. 
    My main blog is somewhere I update every week - it may not always have the most riveting of content but that is because it is mostly writing for myself. It is where I mull over my week and try to put a pin in where I am on my gender journey and then if someone stumbles across it they can offer me their insight or opinion too.
    The advice was given to this person when they went to visit heir therapist asked her to consider the following question - "how comfortable I would be presenting as a woman in a male body."
    It is an interesting thought exercise because it is shifting the goal posts a little. We talk about presenting as our target gender.
    Presenting female is easily understood for taking that nerve wracking trip out, hoping that you are dressed suitably and looking as feminine as possible in order to not get yelled at beaten up or generally abused in some way, shape or form. I am still working up to that moment I can take a coffee shop selfie (though it is getting closer). 
    So my understanding is that presenting male would be the equivalent for trans men when they do the same thing and be seen and understood as men as they go about their business.
    The way I read the question from the therapist, the starting position is moved. The natural assumption for me is not; born male wants to be female, but; is female and has to be perceived as physically male...
    🤔🤔🤔
  2. ScottishDeeDee
    In Scotland I think Hogmanay is a bigger celebration than Christmas.  There are ceilidh dances, street parties and house parties up and down the nation and the government encourages it because the ridiculous amount of alcohol that gets consumed is backed up by the fact that both the 1st and 2nd of January are considered public holidays.
    It has been quite a few years since I have gone out on New Years, this year there were some tentative plans made with friends, but they fell by the wayside as cost and budgets refused to allow it. I considered briefly whether or not I would be brave enough to go down to Edinburgh or somewhere else for the street party as Dee, but immediately decided I was not brave enough, and being in a big crowd entirely alone and possibly paranoid just did not seem like a good idea. My eldest sister said that she was not doing anything for New year other than getting a takeaway, but I was welcome to go down and join her. I took her up on the offer and we ate a lovely chinese takeout, played trivial pursuit and watched the last leg and the big fat quiz of the year, none of the traditional Scottish Hogmanay programs, but it was really nice.
    She asked if I had confided in mum about being trans yet and I admitted that I just couldn't bring it up in conversation, possibly because I struggle to find the words to describe my feelings, but also because once I tell my mum the risk of being outted before I am ready increases dramatically. 
    I talked about wearing wigs and how I am struggling because I feel I need to wear one, and many of the ladies I have seen online have no issue with them, but because nothing else chemically has changed it makes me feel more like I am playing at dressing up rather than allowing the world to see me as I want to be seen. She pointed out that there are plenty of cis women who wear wigs, including my ex wife for a while after undergoing chemo and no one batted an eye at them.
    She also showed me the before and after photos of one of her trans friends who had just had facial hair removal and hormones and looked completely feminine, there was no sign of the rough looking guy from beforehand.
    Then as we hugged at the bells, I thanked her for being a wonderful sister and she replied, "ditto".  It makes me well up even now thinking about it. She has no idea just how validating it is to hear her acknowledge who I am, even in that one word.
    It was the best start to 2020.
     
    This morning we got up and went out to a 5km parkrun, it hurt and felt horrible at the time, but is also something I have never done before and is a good indicator of how I want this year to go.
    On my way home I stopped in at a friends house and we caught up for a few hours, I edged around my gender questioning, but went into great depths about peeling back layers and masks, I know they would be very supportive, but I haven't seen them in person for 5 years so it seemed a bit too much too soon considering I just turned up at their house!
     
    I am now sat in my nighty having painted my nails bright red wondering if I can go out for a walk as me somewhere tomorrow and try out my new scarf.  It may be a fleeting feeling, but it is quite nice to just feel like myself for the moment.
    💅👸💋💖
  3. ScottishDeeDee
    I have just had a wonderful Christmas week with both of my children, yesterday I had to take them down the road so they could go or a week with my ex and have a 2nd Christmas, our agreement was to alternate the holidays and she had Christmas last year.
    I am awake again after less than 4 hrs sleep due to a nightmare in which male me was out walking with my mum and we discouraged two kids out playing on their own from going into an abandoned property with broken windows, in my dream the owner appeared in a car just as we were walking away and I was informed by a colleague that he was looking for me and was extremely upset. In my dream I had to track this person down, interrupt a family bbq and explain that while I didn't know the kids I could assure him that my mum who walks with 2 sticks and myself had no intention of doing any B&E on his empty property and were merely trying to stop the youngsters from getting into trouble because at that age all empty buildings either contain treasure or are used by smugglers and pirates.  I have no idea how it went but the guy was livid or I would not have gone looking for him and  I hate confrontation.
     
    Either the dream is due to too much caffeine consumed yesterday and interrupting my sleep cycles or it could be due to not having the kids. I was going to try and fit some Dee time in but my mum who was here for Christmas IRL decided to stay an extra day or two and now it is just us I am considering trying to broach the subject about seeing a therapist to help me unravel my gender issue, you know the fact that while I walk and talk like a man I feel and respond like a woman. I put it off last year and still kind of want to avoid it, my mum has a thing about tidying up whenever she visits one of us children's houses and I was paranoid for the time I was away that she would attempt to help me out by doing my laundry and discovering my Dee wardrobe. (she hadn't, instead she had gone through my hallway cupboard to create bedding sets of duvet covers and pillows)
     
    To top it all off my niece and my two older sisters have told me how worried they are about my daughter, she chose to live with her mum but according to her she is miserable and feeling isolated and often left alone for hrs at a time. I leave my son for a could of hrs for meetings but apparently at least one night a week she is on her own from when she gets in from school until 11 or so at night while her mum is out, I have told my daughter many times that I would love to have her live with me and that I would collect her anytime if she wanted to come back. The children chose who they wanted to stay with when my ex-wife left and neither hesitated. Of the two of us I am the more maternal and have done more of the actual child raising, my daughter tells me she is happy where she is, she loves her mum and misses her when she is not there, the divorce has us both providing full time childcare for each of our children and unlimited access to the other. I can only go by what my daughter tells me but it breaks my heart to think that she might be staying with her mum out of duty - she has already taken to calling the new man step dad and his teenage daughters her stepsisters while my son insists that they are all just his mums friends and raises a fuss when he is with her because in his mind she is trying to replace him with her new mans girls the same way she replaced me with the new man. Autism logic in my son is simple to understand and really hard to deal with - I have to constantly tell him to be nice, kind and respectful to both my ex and her new partner and his kids simply because he can be so nasty about them.
     
    I know that overall my kids are loved by both parents - I struggle with the idea that there is a chance that my daughter and I will end up going through puberty together, I do not want to be an embarrassment to my children.
    I don't know; I have been floundering around for a year now and do not seem to be much further forward, accepting myself is still an almost daily battle. Then when my family respond to something I say with, "that is such a bloke thing to say", or when I was talking about how my ex only gets on with one of her parents at a time my sister said, "that's just like (our B.P.D) mum, they do say that sons look to marry their mothers", they were quips and not meant to be hurtful but they make me feel like I am just a man (which I physically am) pretending at being a woman by simply dressing up (which I do).
     
    Why is all of this such a minefield? Maybe now I've emptied my brain I can get a couple of hrs rest!
  4. ScottishDeeDee

    Splitting Hairs

    By ScottishDeeDee,

    On Tuesday and Wednesday I shaved my legs (30 minutes and 2 razors for each leg! ), on Thursday I used depilatory cream on my chest and under arms (I like the ease but it never takes it all away roughly 10 mins including the rinse to make sure the cream is all off afterwards) and today I shaved my arms (30 mins for both). 😮😫
     
    After being hairy again for so long - I cannot remember the last time I de-fuzzed entirely but it is almost like a literal weight has been lifted. I feel so much better!! 💖
     
    I knew I would be at home today too so I put on a simple white top and a pair of loose fitting black wide trousers with white spots and then just some mascara and lip gloss and of course my hair and had a me morning. It was three hours of bliss  I did not get any work done but honestly I cannot tell you just how right my reflection felt in the mirror and my mood has definitely lifted.
     
    Even having to spend the time taking the mascara off and putting on my dad clothes did not dampen my spirits.
     
    In other news I have been trying to look up how to tell your children you are transgender and have not found much that is helpful, lots of info for parents of transgender children, and a rather toxic mumsnet thread where 3 women who had split from their partners because they came out as transgender and then projected all of their fears and bigotry onto what the kids would think (that did make me sad - I have the same worry around getting my kids bullied that they cite but they really downplayed trans as a life choice - they said their partners when from being thoughtful men to self centred shallow women) 
     
    I also found a blog from a woman who had told her children by asking them if they were okay with it - I already know that mine do not like change, the split has been tough enough for them, adding autism onto that will not make them say yes lol.  However they dressed at home for a year in front of their children before they went full time.Though the good advice as talking about how sometimes things are not the same on the inside as they are on the outside is something I could use..
     
    It's been an interesting day so far!
    x
     
  5. ScottishDeeDee

    Truisms

    By ScottishDeeDee,

    I have been feeling very much ill over the last few days, but this evening I saw a a post online that gave me some food for thought, because it very much speaks to my struggle over the last year:
     

  6. ScottishDeeDee
    I was chatting online recently with someone  about kilts and what makes one menswear and the other ladieswear, I sent an edited picture of me in a kilt when I was best man at someones wedding a few years ago and he made the comment: 
    "If I didn't know about Dee, I would have assumed confident, rugged dude in a kilt, not realizing the dude would prefer to wear a cute plaid skirt and heels. "
    There is a lot of truth in this and a part of what made me say that I must be trans as well as what makes me struggle and doubt sometimes too.  I am known for smiling, I love being around my friends and they know me well enough to know I would do anything I could for them. I have always tried to be honest with folk and so far as anyone has ever known I have always come across as quietly confident in who I am, but there was one side of me that no one ever got to know about.
    Metaphorically speaking I have worn the heels and cute plaid skirt for years in secret, but it was always tied to sexual excitement, when I went out to that Pride vent in summer wearing jeans, a blouse with a cardigan and some heeled knee high boots - it may not have been the sexiest outfit in the world but it showed me that I could just go out and have a good time without there being anything shameful or fetishised about it.  💅💋
    I could carry on presenting as male me and to be honest no one would ever be the wiser - some days it genuinely feels like it would be a lot easier and simpler and comes with a lot less risk.
    But from those who have seen the photos, I just somehow seem to smile more as Dee.
    I will have the same life problems and then be adding more to them if I transitioned the potential loss of my son and daughter (though others assure me that they will be fine), the chance that my mum will freak out, the awkward transitioning for my work and how to do that without upsetting folk when it is not something that will just happen secretly, hundreds of people will find out and make snap judgement decisions and accuse me of lying, of choosing to be controversial, of dishonouring God etc etc, all based on their view of the Bible. The inevitable loss of my male privilege and dealing with the constant daily gripes that women everywhere have, but then also having that extra layer of not being seen as woman enough by some as well. 
    Yet somehow despite all that I keep exploring and keep wondering if I ultimately would be more content. What I see as my depression could lift because I will not be wasting so much mental energy on all the wondering.
    I was out working today and as soon as I could I came home and swapped my suit and shirt for a dress, I have been making phone calls as Dee and I genuinely feel more grounded.
    I would say that I am more emotionally expressive and empathetic because as Dee I can be. I just wonder if it is enough to justify all of the upheaval.
  7. ScottishDeeDee

    Inner Voice

    By ScottishDeeDee,

    I have been going out and walking/jogging to a couch to 5km app, when I first started in May I had done half a dozen park runs where again I had mostly walked, my motivation was to get out and do something because most of the time I do not want to go out or do anything, I was also putting all the weight back on that I had lost before Christmas last year.  I have some really nice second hand clothes and if I am going to have to come out in front of my friends and family at some point then I want to look my best, shallow vanity I know, but that pretty lemon yellow summer dress that was in the clothes my sister sent up is something I would love to fit into next year.
     
    For the last 5 weeks I have gone out 3 times a week, usually Monday, Wednesday and Saturday, and the app I use the trainer called "Erin" tells me when to run and when to walk, it has been fantastic as given the choice I would walk most of the time.
     
    Through her I am now running more than I am walking and if I keep this up in two weeks time I should in theory be able to run a full 5km without stopping to walk.
    This has become more important to me as time passes, every time I am told to visualise why I have showed up to exercise I picture that dress.
    She told me to think of a mantra to repeat to myself and the one she uses is "Be strong... You're strong!" So being the unimaginative soul that I am I have been jogging around and chanting "Be strong DeeDee. You're strong." whenever it has felt tough, which has been a lot of he time.
    I haven't lost much weight, but I am feeling a lot fitter than I was when I started and it is nice to have something to push myself towards.
     
    My inner monologue talks in the 3rd person and I noticed that when it was getting particularly hard to catch my breathe on a farm track that slopes upwards, my inside voice started with the, "come on Dee Dee you can do this" encouragement, it was five or so minutes later as I was cruising down the track that I realised that my head voice never uses my male name anymore I only ever refer to myself as DeeDee. I think I am fine at the moment with the necessity that others have to use my male name but it is getting easier and easier to visualise a time when that will not have to happen anymore.
     
    I also think I need to order more openly feminine glasses as the ones I received and was most apathetic about as they were thinner than I had hoped I have been using as my everyday glasses and not one person has noticed that they have changed. It would be nice to own an everyday pair that I can use as DeeDee.
    x
     
  8. ScottishDeeDee

    New Glasses

    By ScottishDeeDee,

    I had my eyes tested earlier this week, in the UK the recommendation is that you have a check up every 2 years and I was due because I have been having an internal debate about getting more feminine glasses for myself. The ones I have been wearing the last 2 years are classed as unisex, and in the shops these can be expensive to buy.  I went back to a site I used in my student days and they still exist - budget friendly mail glasses where you put in your prescription and they send them out in the post. No embarrassing conversations or sneakily trying to browse in the section marked "womens frames".
    I chose a burgundy pair that are similar to the ones I have now, but a little more expressive and chunkier and a lilac pair of sunglasses with a rose tint. It has taken 2 days to get my glasses, that is unheard of where I am as first class is a 2-3 day prospect and I am ineligible for next day delivery.
    I am delighted that they arrived so fast but am disappointed with the burgundy frames - I could wear them in male mode and no one would notice, they are a thinner metal than I thought so the colour does not come through, the sunglasses are beautiful though, I wish I had just bought the same frames for both sets!
    Overall though I am very happy, I love the lilac frames and I got 2 pairs of glasses for under £60 and while I was waiting in the opticians someone else spent £256 on one pair only to get his 2nd pair "free". I highly recommend taking your prescription and ordering online.
     

  9. ScottishDeeDee

    Feeling good!

    By ScottishDeeDee,

    Today I was up and dressed as Dee in just under an hour, it is the first time in over a month that I have done my face and makeup and while I am out of practice I feel wonderful, last night I painted my toenails pink and then glossed my fingernails so they look kind of like a french manicure, but while these things have definitely made me feel happy I just feel different. Today is the first day in almost a year that I have not felt totally conflicted about my gender, this morning I actually feel like a woman. I don't know what it is or why, but I do.
    Also - I got a new dress and I love it! 💖 
  10. ScottishDeeDee

    Ups and Downs

    By ScottishDeeDee,

    I am having a down type of week, I am really missing my daughter. Since she moved away to stay with her mum (her choice) my son is enjoying the structure and ability to do what he wants but every so often he says he is sad that his sister is not here with us and I have to agree. It's been 3 days since I have heard from her but I do not want to constantly message her or she will not settle into her new routine. This has absolutely been the hardest part of the divorce.
    I have slowly put on all the weight I lost last year too so I am back to where I started last September. So today I feel ugly. Even if I wanted to dress in my proper clothes I couldn't because I doubt most of them will fit me now  That makes me feel ugly like I do today, another side effect to being divorced is that the feeling of not being good enough that I had moaned at me all throughout my marriage has never gone away, I still feel unloveable and unattractive, so all of that combined makes me miserable and turn to sugary carb filled rubbish.  I am back to struggling to gt my work done.
    On the plus side I have done two 5km walk and jogs this week as well as a small swim and I am trying to establish healthy routines again.
    My initial gender clinic appointment is in October so I only have 6 weeks to wait until I finally see someone and can get a professional opinion on whether I have inherited my mothers crazy genes or if I am genuinely stuck in the wrong body.
    I am closer now than I have ever been to wanting to transition socially, it is still too early in my journey but more and more I feel less like a man as I try and define what makes a man a man and a woman a woman. When I spend time in groups I struggle to find points of interest with the men falling back on probing to discover their hobbies and getting them to talk about themselves instead, or just mentioning UK politics which everyone has an opinion on just now.
    It is odd because I feel more at peace with the idea that I really do see myself as female despite what the outward view is, not all the time, but definitely most of the time.
    I also really want to go out as Dee again and not having a chance to be able to is weighing on me. 
    I guess I am just rambling, but sometimes it is good to get it all out.
    xx
  11. ScottishDeeDee
    I have been feeling very down recently.  I know that the main reason is my daughter moving away with her mum but it means that I have been feeling letheragic and flat and have not done any self care whatsoever.
    This morning I woke up choked with a cold and decided while listening to the rain that I was not going to push myself and do my Saturday morning 5k, instead I got up and effectively have been pampering myself. I put on some cheesy tunes from spotify and shaved my legs and arms, my chest I used a cream on 2 days ago so while I can see black hairs growing thy are too small to touch just now. I gave myself a proper close shave and then had a long and hot shower.
    As soon as I came out I put on my wig.  The wig makes an instant difference when I  look in the mirror, I do not see a him but a her.  With this boost I moisturised and put on some mascara, some light eye shadow and did my eyebrows using eyeshadow makeup and finished with a touch of lip gloss. I then spent a bit of time doing my toe and finger nails and then finally put on a summer dress - it is a bit too figure hugging to wear out while I am this heavy but if I lose a stone or two it will look great.
    I then pulled out my Dee phone and went through the snapchat filters taking photos. I took a couple a while back when everyone started going on about the genderswap filters and noticed that it will make anyone look good. I do not have any contacts on snapchat so I have no one to send them to, but I had a proper giggle pouting, looking serious and playing with all the different options and then saving them and exporting them to my google drive. In snapchat I can easily pass for a cis woman, if I put up one or two of those photos on a dating site I know I would get interest, I do not look 40, it is amazing what soft focus coupled with pixel makeup can do! I even tried the male filter and while I am not used to seeing myself with male hair oddly that photo genuinely looked so much less like me then the female ones do, normally you can still see yourself underneath the gimmicks but it was hard to as a man. I am starting to understand why so many young teens are getting addicted to taking photos of themselves all the time even if I am rubbish at explaining it.
    Of course I knew I was just passing the morning and distracting myself from my woes but it has worked. I am actually in a pretty good mood and found myself smiling and laughing out loud. One of these days I will figure out if Dee is a distraction, if I am merely using my copying skills to emulate femininity because I envy it, or I will realise that I am actually Dee and feel happy because I am actually being my real self. It is a tangle of fears and confusion and thoughts and second thoughts and it can all wait for another day.
    For now I am going to spend the rest of my day dressed but snuggled up on the sofa. Later I will be catching up with my Canadian friends online but today, all day I am just Dee.
    💖💋💖
    Because they are so heavily filtered here is kittie me from Pride, (meow!) the random bloke the male filter turned me into that I can honestly say looks nothing like me even on a man day, and the Dee that I sometimes catch glimspes of in the mirror (minus the nose ring).
     

  12. ScottishDeeDee
    All my get up and go has got up and gone...  (borrowed from a mug I saw once) so true of me right now.  Earlier I waved my kids off for 3 weeks holidays with their mum, and when they come back I have them for 3.
    It should be a chance to be productive and maybe even work in some Dee time but I just can't.
    I have been sat in my empty house all day watching Stranger Things and eating my body weight in hummous, tomatoes, olives and crackers because I finished all the sweet things in the house already. I am seeking something, anything to keep my brain occupied from the thought that I am losing my daughter. Her mum moves away and she chose to go with her, something that we have both already cried about, we will miss each other but still see one another during holidays and the odd weekend visit, but it really really hurts.
    I have been stressed for this last week, almost constant headaches, short fuse, tired all day but unable to sleep until after 2am. Oh and of course stress/comfort eating.
    None of this has anything to do with being trans other than the fact I look at myself in the mirror and see some hairy bald guy staring back and I ask myself just who it is I think I am kidding. I am paying out all this money to remove my facial hair and I just think to myself that I am being stupid. I do not look like a woman, I do not sound like a woman, how would I ever know if I think like a woman when I've never been one? 
    I grew up a boy, thinking I was a boy, I was a fairly typical adolescent and thought I was a male adolescent, I grew into a man and got married and had children, yet somehow I have ended up here spending almost 10 months of my life almost constantly obsessing about my gender and for what? What does transitioning actually get me? What is the benefit? Because I honestly don't know. I am supposed to be finding myself but in reality I am more lost and confused then I have ever been.
    How can I be numb and in pain at the same time?
    😭😭😭😭😭
  13. ScottishDeeDee

    Fathers Day

    By ScottishDeeDee,

    Tomorrow will be fathers day. Given the mess of my marriage it is safe to say that my experiences of fathers day have been sporadic at best, the odd wee card or slice of toast brought to the bedroom. Always an after thought or last minute purchase. Once or twice a decent bottle of whisky, but overall meh - usually we had to go and share with my exes dad, until he fell out of favour. This year we swapped the weekends around so that the kids could be  with me for Fathers day - it meant my ex could go off to a music festival so it wasn't completely altruistic on her part, but I think I got the better deal.  She left a £10 in an envelope with a card my daughter made at her after school club with a note saying time had run out and she hadn't had time for her to buy anything. My son never got a mention and she had them the last 2 weekends. For comparison on Mothers day I made sure the kids had bought a card and some butter fudge which is one of her favourite sweets and then bought and cooked a 2 course meal at her house with the kids for her.
     
    It is not about the stuff (genuinely couldn't care less) but every so often I am reminded of just how far down the priority list I am unless she needs something and it still stings..
    So I bought a Terrys Chocolate Orange and some nice ingredients and we are going to have a big Roast Dinner tomorrow complete with GF yorkies and gravy, and then we are going to go for a family walk along one of the local beaches with the dog that I seem to get almost every time my daughter comes because my ex struggles to ditch all 3 dogs when she goes off on her weekends.
     
    I have been struggling with what to think about Fathers Day.  It seems a bit daft celebrating it when I am effectively waiting for my October appointment (which got pushed back a week to the 2nd week in October by sms this week- yay! 💩) you know, considering I do not now and nor have I ever felt like a good father. I have been told I am by a load of people but it has always rang empty, not humility, just - not true.  Why do we separate them out and not just have a happy parent day? Every time one or the other comes around there are single parents (a couple of my sisters included) and grandparents raising children that stand up and say "I do this job too" so why do we have to make it such hallmark, card giving gender thing?
     
    I don't know if I'm peed off at the day itself or because I will feel like a fraud when my daughter gives me the card she made for her dad.  
  14. ScottishDeeDee
    I am still a little bit unsure how I process today.  A slow relaxed morning meant that I missed the parade but Today I did my makeup and then got help from my niece to do my eyebrows and eyeliner - pro tip: she used some eye shadow rather than eye liner or an eyebrow pencil, it gave the same effect but did not look so harsh when on and came off so much easier just now! Then my sister helped me glue my nails on - they were both jealous of my nails, but they matched my hair perfectly - they were just a bit on the long side so all day I had to adjust to barely being able to use my phone or do simple things like my buttons when I went to the loo.
     
    I was wearing some comfy trainers (I had bought blister plasters on the way home last night) my jeans and my butterfly tee, my nice was also in jeans and a bright blue tee because she was wearing a rainbow bright my little pony wig, I could not believe that a pastel blue and pink wig could look subtle but compared to hers I positively blended in.
     
    We caught the bus into town, when we got on there was my sister in normal clothes, my niece and I with our wigs, but as we got closer to our stop more and more people got on wearing rainbow flags or all dressed up so that we were soon just a part of the entourage heading to the pride village.  The village was free of charge to get in but required a previously booked ticket which got you into the site where there was a music stage, an info tent, a dance tent, along with lots of info stalls and snack vans.  I had not eaten breakfast due to nerves but needed to eat something so that was our first port of call.
     
    It was a great atmosphere, the weather pretty much drizzled rain the entire time, but in Scotland that does not put off festival goers, and this had the feel of a festival so I relaxed very quickly. The fact that there were drag queens, gay and lesbian couples, people dressed as goths, lolitas, with rainbow angel wings, a wizard in a bathrobe - I did not even come close to standing out.
     
    We wandered around and listened to music and then my niece took my sister back into the city centre to catch her bus home. I was left on my own for around an hour and a half during which time I went and spoke to a stall called trans space and a woman called Emma from Glasgow who was looking for support to fix some of the more ridiculous legislation in Scotland and protect Trans people using public facilities, I duly signed as Dee but admitted that it was my first time out and about and we spoke for a good 20 minutes about the questioning process and trying to find out where we fit- she made me feel much more confident in myself though because although she had transitioned 14 years ago her voice was a lot deeper sounding than mine.
    I also made friends with the ladies running the coffee van and was enlightening them about good places to visit in my area. They spoke to me as a normal human being and it was only a comment after them asking if I lived in the area that I outed myself by saying it was just a nice chance to get to be me.  I am under no illusions - my voice patterns may be pretty feminine but I still frequently talk from the chest and have that low rumble echo when I finish sentences or have to speak loudly- especially when I am compared to my sister or niece.
    But as this weekend was an experiment I had already decided that I had done enough practising and prep. 
     
    Around 6pm my friends told me that they were on the bus into town so we left the village and went back to my nieces, she had already said that she would be wearing jeans and a nice top, so while I was a little bit disappointed, that went away when we went into the local Asda and bought a nice blue dressy top and a pink cardigan to go with my jeans and hair, I then changed into some black leather calf boots that had wide but definite heels on and we caught the bus back into the city centre - I kept my trans wig on.
     
    My male friend won an official bet between them that I would be wearing a wig, but they both gave me a hug and then we caught up over a couple of drinks - I deliberately did not order a single pint all night, I just ordered whatever drink I fancied.
     
    In 6 hrs the only people who openly clocked me were bar staff, and they always smiled, and I am pretty sure that one young lassie complimented me after she had given me my order, but it was hard to hear over the drag act at the other end of the bar where the woman were doing all of the whooping and cat calling as their boyfriends were made to feel uncomfortable with the over endowed leotard and fishnet wearing drag queens.
    We walked to another official pride party venue and the music was rubbish - the only reason it gets a mention is because by the time we got there I was busting to pee and just walked into the ladies without thinking, it was packed but by now I had used the facilities a few times over the day and a smile and a thank you for a door held open was as much interaction as I did.
     
    My female married friend noted her disgust that I was happily walking along with them in heels when she cannot wear any herself, but it was good natured and she also envied my nails!  During the evening there was a lot of misgendering with "he"and my male name getting used, but each time I would remind them that for tonight I was Dee and to use she/her so I could get a read on how it feels to be gendered that way in real life - oddly my male friend picked it up quickest, but it really only took a couple of hrs and some deliberate she/her repetition for the ladies to refer to me as Dee too.
     
    By 11pm we then went into a club that exclusively played 80's music, and its little sister annex reached through the main area that exclusively played 90's music. The music was loud and I felt my age but I got to tick another thing off my wish list, we danced until just after 1am. My feet are killing me but my niece and I walked back to her flat and after removing my nails, eyelashes and makeup we enjoyed a late night pizza - although I still do not have an appetite - I drank enough to be sociable but also ordered a mocktail at one point and so I did not have to worry that I would revert to "laddish" drunk behaviour  or even worse trip and fall in my heels.
    It is half two in the morning and when I wake up I have to drive back up the road and be dad again and I do not know how to feel about it.
    I frequently forgot that I was actually wearing makeup and a wig and then would sometimes catch my reflection in a shop window and remember, my niece, my sister and my friends went out of their way to look after me and make sure that I was feeling okay, escorting me to the loos when I needed to go and letting me sit in corner seats so I did not have to sit next to strangers and it was nice to know that I was allowed to be vulnerable. My friends said that other than seeing me in different clothes it felt just like any other night out we had been on - there was just more girly chat.  Not one person did a double take, or pointed or nudged their friends or looked at me funny - I was literally just another girl on the night out - at one point I thought I had been clocked when a hen party came up to us and started pointing at a list but then her friend pointed to a number and they went to my male friend instead for a signature, so either they had thought I was male from a distance or they had gotten the numbering wrong, but either way I was not male for whatever dare the bride to be was doing.
    I cannot thank my friends and family enough - the fact that it felt completely normal, but I was freer tells me I definitely need to keep looking forwards, the fact that my male friend made a point of letting me know that he was with me regardless, but did ask some questions was really nice - I get one more sleep in Dees pj's and then back to work next week. I am physically and emotionally wiped out - but in a really good way I will put some pics up once I can focus/edit them xx
  15. ScottishDeeDee
    I left my house this morning wearing my ladies jeans and a ladies tee that when combined with my male boots, baseball cap and baggy jacket looked like I was just wearing skinny jeans, at most slightly androgynous. I drove down to meet my sister, stopped for an iced coffee and to buy a toothbrush and a razor, because even though I have packed my biggest suitcase with enough clothes to go on holiday for a fortnight I forgot them.
    My sister and I put the world to rights as we drove down to my nieces, on arrival I immediately put on my every day blonde bob hair which has a fringe so it hides the netting well even though it is cheap, I then went and changed into a more overtly feminine styled black and dark blue top that had long sleeves and a rolled neckline, put on my "natural" false lashes and some lip gloss and both my niece and sister said that I looked completely natural.  I wore my charity shop pastel blue Vans trainers and paid the price for my bargain with blisters later.
    I know my chin is still red and blotchy from the combination laser and electrolysis but they said it was not noticeable. I put my phone and wallet (which is small enough to pass as a purse) in my handbag with the lip gloss and perfume that I had chosen and we then walked up to the place where my sister was staying to drop off her bag. As we were waiting to cross the road my sister did a double take because she thought I was some random woman who had walked up and stood beside her 🤣. 
    We then walked into the centre of town to a buffet style Thai/Chinese restaurant and had a wonderful meal, the city was a typical busy city street, lots of people passing and my niece and sister told me at the restaurant that not a single person had done a double take. I must admit that while I felt slightly self conscious the conversation and company made me completely forget I was presenting female a couple of times.  Nobody shouted anything, I'm fairly certain I heard one guy asking his mate if that was a guy at a bus stop as we passed but they didn't yell or choose to come and find out.  None of the waiting staff stared or treated me any different to my sister or niece and as far as I am aware none of the tables around us passed any comment or stared either. I was just another customer stuffing my face with plates of sushi.
    The loos were practically unisex - an open lay out design meant one set of sinks with a couple of cubicles denoting the woman's area, my sister came with me but it was deserted.
    My fears turned out to be just that, spectres that had no substance. It was a fantastic meal, I felt too full and then when we queued and paid we were just a part of the queue - nothing different or unique.
    We walked back up that same busy street, again no one stared or said anything - the buskers asked for cash as they do but again no one said anything - there was a short period where a man was walking uncomfortably close behind us and talking to his friend about how he was carrying a knife, but thankfully before long he turned off and went into a pub.
    My niece then suggested a quick drink to say thank you for the meal before my sister headed back to her lodgings and so we went into her local pub. It was very bright and there was a wee corner that my sister and I went and sat in while my niece got a round in with her student discount. The woman at the table next to us stared heavily as we walked in and sat down but it could just as easily have been because they were a large group and had been using the seats we sat down in - in the UK if there are no jackets or drinks you just sit in the empty space - if a seat is being kept you are told. We had our drink and then the large group left, my sister went up and bought a second one but we left when some old drunk guy came and sat down in the now vacant table beside us and started trying to strike up a conversation with my sister - I went to the loo, this time with my niece and then we came back to her flat after a quick stop for some blister plasters because every step was agony for me.
    My first time out in the big city was completely uneventful - my niece used my male name twice and both times I gently asked her not to while I am wearing a wig and ladies clothing and she was mortified, but she did not treat me any differently.
    I was hyper aware of my surroundings and how close people were to me, my sister said that she felt really protective of me - if the knife guy hadn't turned off she was going to stop us under a pretext to let him pass, she also sat on the outside so that I could sit in the corner - physically placing herself between me and the rest of the room. I laughed when she asked if that was how guys feel and I had to say yes - every male becomes a potential threat, even though I knew I could never finish anything it was my duty to get in harms way to protect the women I was with.
    Overall I did feel self conscious - I do not think I pass in the couple of photos we took, but my sister and niece said that I absolutely did.  Apparently my false lashes looked amazing and I will now have to show my sister how to put them on because she cannot do them, but like any woman my age I was not caked in makeup and I was dressed properly - i had noticed that my sister stopped long enough to apply some lippy when she dropped her bag off too.
    The world did not stop - I did not get lynched, or shouted at, or spaton, or treated like I had an extra head (though a gull did poop on my sisters jacket)
    Tomorrow is the more overtly flamboyant day - I intend to wear my makeup and put on my nails and trans coloured wig and am considering wearing a skirt and top if they meet with my nieces approval. Then in the evening we will go out - though I only have a little black dress which could be too fancy.
    It is hard to say how I feel precisely - it felt so totally natural, apart from the times when I remembered that I was wearing a wig, or when I needed the loo - it was just like every other time i have gone out with my sister for something to eat - the difference tonight is that I was her sister too. I was glad to get home, going from the night air into the building made me sweat really quickly so I was glad for the ice in my drinks, I remain unconvinced about my ability to pass and yet even without makeup I seem to have had my wish to just be invisible. Just another person in the city having some food and enjoying a drink with her two friends.
    My married friends will be meeting up with me tomorrow and this is the first time they will see me out as Dee so I hope that they can be as nonchalant about it as my sister and niece were, my sister has a beautician with a trans sister and was talking about me telling her at her last visit - apparently the thing that struck her most was just how little she reacted to the ews, she was not overly shocked or surprised even though she had never seen me as anything other than male.  I have been offered to go and see the beautician any time and she will take care of me which is nice.  This evening was just so lovely - I am tired and sleepy but really wanted to record it before I sleep - more again tomorrow night if I remember!
    💋💖
  16. ScottishDeeDee
    On Friday, as soon as my son leaves for school I can pack my car, make the 2.5 hr drive to my sisters, and then the next 2-3 hr drive down to my nieces.
    If I can then I intend to be Dee when I get in the car, or if not then pretty much from the moment we arrive at my nieces I will unpack and change.
     
    This was suggested ages ago when my niece first found out I was questioning my gender. She did not really understand it, but she very much wanted to show her support. We have always had a good relationship, so it was a nice gesture.  So I checked to see if she was genuinely serious and then agreed as it was a local Pride event and there would be plenty of events on guaranteeing a bit more anonymity and less pressure if I do not pass.
    At the time I figured I had months to get used to the idea of going outside as Dee, and that I would be more confident and then life happened lol.  I have been outside once, in the woods, when they were deserted.
    I ordered a wig off Amazon that has the trans flag colours starting at light blue and going down to pink, along with a couple of flag pin badges. I've bought a beautiful leather bracelet watch that I can wear instead of my cheapy sports watch and my utility handbag.
     
    This afternoon I literally went through my entire femme wardrobe, which is tiny and apart from a few items consists entirely of the hand me downs from my sister. I literally pulled everything out and tried it on - my goal to lose weight obviously did not go to plan and so I wanted to see what I could and couldn't wear. Oh to not have a tummy! Some of the tees looked incredibly frumpy and were instantly discarded, a pair of slightly flared white jeans looked really good but were too tight to be practical and so I whittled it down to a red skirt and white top, or my dark jeans and butterfly tee or my dark jeans and black and blue asymmetrical top. Simply for a casual Friday night and for wandering around stalls in the village area on the Saturday.
    I only have 2 dresses to choose between for Sat night though, a gorgeous little black velvet flared dress which may be a bit OTT for going pubbing and clubbing or a simpler but slightly more modest blue and black fit and flare dress which does not look as good in person as it looked online. If I decide against them we may have to go shopping for something cheap and cheerful to wear to go dancing in. 
     
    I have a nice set of black heels that are modest, a pair of black boots and a pair of comfy trainers that will both go with the jeans and a light (bright pink) rain jacket I picked up in a charity shop in a last minute panic.
    Apart from the fun wig I have my two favourite blonde wigs, a set of nails and eye lashes and all the makeup I own in a little case. Oh and I have an old PAYG phone that I have charged and checked so I can still take selfies and not worry that FB will be popping them up on my timeline for everyone I know to see.
     
    Oh and because I have done two 5k's the last couple of weekends I have taken leggings and a ladies running top just in case I end up doing that with my sister on Saturday morning, because even if I do it will be as Dee.
     
    I am taking far too much, I know this, but I cannot decide what I want to wear and it will also depend on what my niece intends to wear.
    On the Saturday day she is wearing a rainbow wig, black leggings and a bright pink tutu - just because she can. She is on the larger side, and has some self confidence issues so our intention is to support each other and have a blast doing it.
     
    I cannot see my bed at the moment because I now have to start the process of fitting it all into the suitcase so it is packed away and ready to go in the car.
     
    I am a bundle of nerves but absolutely buzzing with nervous energy. 😳😳
     
    I have deliberately let my chest hair grow back thick enough that I can use a depilatory cream on it tonight and so once I de-fuzz tomorrow I am good to go!
     
    I have literally packed a case to go away every week for the last three weeks, but they were all full of man clothes and so much easier to to pack light for.
     
    Anyone got any useful last minute advice?
  17. ScottishDeeDee
    * Just a quick content warning that this post is a candid one about a recent personal funeral experience*
     
    Today is a quiet day, I have spent the last hour just sitting and watching some of my favourite female comedians on "Live at the Apollo" as youtube has suggested and auto played one after the other. I did not start out doing that but it was good to laugh.
     
    In my work I have to walk a line of professionalism and caring, one you learn how to do and the other you either do or don't. When my ex told me that her granny had died and that her wishes had been for me to speak at the service I did not even consider saying no. I was meant to be starting my holidays and had already had to say no to two other families, but this one has a personal connection.  The next day my ex rang me again and told me that they had changed their minds and asked someone else to do it, so when I packed my bags to go and help my mum move, I was expecting to just be another mourner.
     
    I was content to believe that I would simply be turning up to pay my respects but when I arrived at my ex mother in laws house as she was taking the kids for a weekend while I attended a friends wedding I noticed my name on the order of service and pointed out that it needed to be changed before they did the big print run. I was assured it was meant to be there as they had decided that they wanted to honour their mums wishes and she had wanted me to be a part of the service. They had already planned the service out, and that was how I found out about my involvement. Not an awkward position to be put in at all...
    I also had to go through the part of meeting my ex wife's new fiance the night before the service itself while I was helping with last minute prep and knew that even without me there was enough of the usual family dramas going on to make the funeral a possible tinderbox.
    I made a point of cracking a couple of appropriate light hearted jokes with the new guy to break any tension and reassure my ex that I was not going to do anything (even though she knows that I would never even dream of being the one to cause an issue)  The day of the service I waited with the family and had the joy of it being the first time many of them had seen me since we had split up so I had to reassure all of them that I am doing okay while new guy sits literally behind me hugging my ex wife.
    My ex mother in laws ex was taking a cord at the burial, but did not want to sit with the family (it gets more complicated than that but I wont go into it here - 3 generations of the women in my exes family have married, cheated and then remarried - maybe I should have seen it coming)
     
    I am extremely good at self control - I worked on it as a teenager and mastered the art of locking down my feelings and frustrations and just letting them out later, as someone who has spent their life hiding and ignoring any indication of liking or wearing female clothing for the sheer guilt and shame of it I can assure you that the hardest thing to control is blushing, but that is a situation that happens rarely in my life.
     
    I did my bit, I had to pause a few times to suck back in the desire to shed tears and when my ex wife sang because she had been asked to I was glad I could sit and close my eyes so that I could keep my emotions under control. After the service I could then go and hug my children who had attended too but had been with the immediate family and were obviously gutted, after some coffee and some food I managed to get my nerves back down and stay in professional mode enough to be polite to those who wanted to speak to me even though I really did not want to be in that room any more.
     
    I was a wreck by the time I had completed the 3hr drive home that evening with the kids, those who knew I had been taking part in the service were getting anxious that I had not been in touch, and last night I was so drained that I probably slept soundly for the first time in a long time.
     
    Today I am still tired, happy that the wedding provided me with a chance to catch up with so many of my friends and literally give me an excuse to dance all night, though I laughed when I was dancing with my female friend who knows about me exploring being Trans and she "led" the dance, the hand grip is very different.
     
    There was one brilliant moment when it was me and 4 woman at the bar and they were all ordering white wine and lemonade and I said that I had better order a beer to at least put on the pretence of being manly, they laughed and made a joke about it, but the truth is while wine may not be my preference simply because of the cost per glass, I would have drank the same as them all night quite happily.  So much is about appearances, I may be trying to hide less  - I was offering helpful advice when a friend was putting on fake nails getting ready for the wedding, and I now message how i wish without shortening the responses or removing all of the hugs at the end (most of the time) but "beer" was a default response I didn't feel comfortable changing, even though it was my sister that taught me to drink pints in the first place.
     
    I also spent some time talking with someone who I have known for years, recently she has been messaging me - a change in her FB habits - to see if I was coming to the wedding and then again afterwards to thank me for the chat and the dances, and again last night to offer a virtual hug after a FB post about the funeral - we are both separated from our exes and both have kids that are on the autistic spectrum and there is nothing overtly romantic or flirty about the messages or her conversation, but it is a change in habit enough to trigger my warning sensors and I do not know if she wants more or not - I was as open as I could be with everyone about the fact that I am having a crisis of identity at the moment and trying to learn who I am, but this is something I do not know what to do about - we did not hug or kiss in person and I danced with literally all my female friends and at least two male friends - I am extremely quick to pick up on other peoples moods, but hopeless when it comes to myself.
     
    How would she feel if she knew that I was planning on going out and spending almost a full weekend as Dee at the end of this month, just to see how I feel about it?  Which at the moment is equal parts wanting to squeal with excitement and terror!
  18. ScottishDeeDee
    I have just spent the last hour trying to convince my son that he has to give my ex wife's new partner a chance. In his own words he does not like the change (there were a few clashes while he was on holiday with them during the Easter break) and so he has decided that he does not get on with her new man. I literally had to say, "she has moved on and so have I"... then very quietly muttered "sort of" under my breath.
     
    I am (I think) okay with being single again - still waiting for the divorce to be finalised but am genuinely much calmer inside that it was the right thing for us to do. I am not at the stage of looking for anyone else - by not at the stage I mean it isn't even on my radar. Just a pleasing passing thought. 
     
    Cut to a few hours later where I am slightly less distracted.  I have been feeling a bit of a fraud recently - I have not dressed properly (regularly or for any length of time) in weeks now, between being busy because Easter and Christmas are my two busiest times of year, and then because the children were off school and they take priority. 
    But I did order a couple of new wigs, one to wear out and a fun one to wear to pride if I get the courage to go. The wig instantly made me want to dress as Dee - they definitely give me confidence that I am sorely lacking.
     
    The facial hair removal is actually going really well, after that horrendous first session I still have a red mark on my neck which I hope will fade in time, but now when I shave I look smoother for far longer - and I no longer need to shave twice a day to look clean shaven, I intend to keep all the receipts so I can tot up how much it costs start to finish.
     
     
    The other purchase that arrived today was an epilator - I have been poring through old threads trying to see how people have dealt with unwanted hair downstairs and most have said they either shave or epilate - I cannot contemplate epilating that area just now but decided that because my legs are pretty smooth after shaving on Monday I would give it a go - it took me nearly 45 minutes to do one leg and I had to empty the housing a couple of times.  It stings but is childs play compared to to the laser.
    I also look like  have broken out into spots - the first few passes are the worst and then as there is less and less hair it gets easier and easier. I thought my hair was short, but I am going to shave before I do my other leg tomorrow morning. If I can get used to it I intend to do my legs, rear and arms as losing an hour once every couple of weeks is far better than 20-30 minutes every other day for the imperfect and short lasting effects of shaving.  I have moisturised and am waiting to see if my leg feels smoother once the pores settle down.
     
    I have been feeling a bit of a fraud - recently I have started to feel comfortable with my transgender self - comfortable with the idea that I actually want to try hormones to see how they make me feel and comfortable with the idea that it could mean a great deal of change in my life, but if I can cope with it then I should be a far more contented person even if it is going to be long and messy and not just quietly done over a few years.  Yet I have not done anything, my ex and mum have not been told, when I talk to anyone even those who know I use my male name because if I asked them to use Dee then the kids would suss something is wrong. I donated to someone who is doing a charity event and I felt bad signing my male name even though I had to - if the donation was public folks would have asked. I also wrote an article for a news magazine and used my male name but I find myself hesitating about it now.
     
    Yet when I was writing my most recent blog I was thinking about growing up - I always saw myself as a male, I thought of myself in a binary male gender way all throughout my childhood. It is hard to think of myself as a woman without being dressed as Dee - sometimes it happens when I am chatting online, but usually the clothes help me feel more like me. Yet I know that being Transgender is not about the clothes I wear, or growing my nails long (which I am delighted with although one had to be trimmed and ruined the effect yesterday  ) or even being able to pass as female. I know that the more I do to remove my body hair the happier it makes me feel - I know that I am back eating healthily and increasing my exercise to lose weight and become fit enough for a challenge next year and yet in my head I am wondering if I will be running in leggings and a womans top or shorts and a mans top - even though I am too scared to leave the house in my pink and grey trainers to go for a run. I struggle to not eat the chocolate in the house at nights - during the day being good is easy but as the evening goes on the more I am drawn to the chocolates left over from Easter.
     
    I just feel like I am putting it all on at the moment, like nothing in my head feels different - like I can change all the superficial things I want and yet I will still be the brother/father in my family. That was how I grew up and how I saw myself.
     
    I know it does not feel like acting being Dee, and I am using my female ID now for some streams I watch and chat in - I definitely prefer being my female avatar over my male and if I could change overnight without it being a big deal I would - yet am constantly called dude in real life and it is hard to feel feminine, does that make sense?
     
    I am still so new to the idea of being a transwoman, I just do not know if it is all par for the course or if I am just kidding myself in order to fit in with some really nice people.
  19. ScottishDeeDee
    Just had a really bizarre moment.
     
    I agreed to sign up to an endurance race with my nephews and sister next March - it is a 10 mile race, at night - up and down the Scottish hills - quite mad and quite fun. As a part of the entry I had to fill in the usual ID form and for the first time in my life I genuinely hesitated at the male or female question. 
    I have been happily filling in forms for most of my life without any qualms whatsoever.
    It actually made me tear up a little bit that I had to use my male name, a wave of sadness washed over me knowing I will now get a male tee-shirt and have to turn up with my male photographic ID.  I will most likely still be presenting male next March so why does this seem like such a big deal?
     
    On the up side I only have one more laser session to go - my electrologist has targeted as many dark hairs as she can find and now wants me to get a numbing cream - at our next appointment she will explode the last of the dark hairs then put the cream on my face, wait an hr and make a start on the electrolysis for all those white and ginger hairs left. I am going to have to take a book to read while I wait!
  20. ScottishDeeDee
    I was coming home this evening and listening to the local radio station, taking advantage of being in an area with actual radio coverage is nice, it was a traditional Scottish tunes show they were playing a Military two step, and it hit me.  If I am going to be Dee I am going to have to learn how to dance again!
    Scottish country dancing is done in village halls across the highlands at every wedding and major event - especially New Years and is something you learn to do at school- but I have learnt all these as a man, and will have to learn them all again from the other side! Ceilidh dancing is amazing fun and actually knowing the dance is secondary to joining in.
    I really panicked when I remembered that I will also have to re-learn a strip the willow, not to so much the dance as they male and female parts are not really different, but doing one in heels OMG! 😳😳 I have to learn to dance in heels, there is so much spinning!!!! 🤢😳 💃 At a certain point you can kick off your shoes and just dance in stockinged feet, but ettiquette dictates not at the beginning of the evening.  It will be nice not having to cross the hall to go and ask for the pleasure of a dance though, I always hated that trial of fire!
    Here are a couple of links for folk who do not know what I am talking about. If you ever get the chance - do it!
     
     
  21. ScottishDeeDee
    This week I have finally started to become emotionally okay with being Transgender.  Intellectually I knew it months ago, but internally I have been fighting it whether I meant to or not. Being transgender was great for other people, but just a headache and not okay for me. It messes up too may areas in my life.Thanks to the support and encouragement from many of the people I have met online I am starting to look at it differently and without quite so much of the panic and feelings of being sucked under by a current out of my control.
     
    There is a set of "would you rather" questions I have seen trans Youtubers ask when talking about being trans and one of them is; if you were stranded on an Island for the rest of your life with no chance of rescue and there were male and female clothes in front of you which would you choose to wear - even though no one will see how will you present? for me the obvious and practical answer is both - over time you would wear all the clothes depending on what wore out, how cold it got and what you were doing...my brain is a weird and wonderful place and with both children being classified with ASD I do wonder if I am undiagnosed sometimes.
    But I have recently lived through that same question in a different context.
    My kids have gone away for the week with their mum and I have dressed a couple of times while relaxing around the house. I woke up the other day and looked at the two piles of clothes at the end of my bed - one male and one female, and I asked myself who would I rather be? I am not going anywhere, no one will see me - if I am 100% honest which clothes would I rather get up on put on? Do I want to be male or female?
     
    I chose the female leggings and tee.

    It was an important moment for me though.  I realised that when all is said and done, this is how I see myself. This is not a sexy outfit, but a comfortable one. This is not an overly effeminate dress to go with heels for some imaginary night out where I am a perfect vision of my female self.  This is just me, being me on an average day, and given the absolute freedom to choose I would wear these types of clothes in a heartbeat because they match how I feel.
    So with all of the wonderful support and encouragement I have received I effectively woke up finally accepting on an emotional level something that I have intellectually known for a few months, I am transgender - being afraid of accepting it has crippled me, I don't want to be transgender - life is easier as a cis male. Why not just ignore it and hope it goes away?
    My life does not have to change, but in order to stay that way I will have to acknowledge that I am lying to myself about who I am, and I will have to accept that I will never wake up and choose those female clothes. As a parent and as a person how can I tell others that they are okay and accepted for who they are if i could not do the same for myself? 
     
    I have to say that I still do not know how far I will take things, I have mentally blocked the bigger idea of transitioning from male to female in order to concentrate on the smaller focus of spring cleaning my life out - removing those masks and getting rid of the parts I really do not need or want in my life any more. As others have said - becoming a more authentic and hopefully more content me.
     
    I had the opportunity to meet up with my younger sisters, who do not know (I am the middle child of 4 sisters and have told the eldest two, but no one else in the family we are a close knit family as there is only 2 years between each sibling and the youngest two are twins) - their partners are very nice but manly men - a professional cyclist and an engineer with a black belt in aikido (could be another martial art but you get the idea) - the twins were an unknown because as adults we are not as close as we used to be although we still keep in touch. We took a walk up a big hill - walking is a common thread in our family, one my older sisters came along and passed a comment about how my face was looking a lot better today (thanks sis!) which made one of the twins ask why, what had happened to my face? so I pretty much had to tell her once the kids were out of earshot, there was going to be no chickening out. 
     
    Both were surprised but after all of the build up in my head and fears it turned out to be a total non event.  The youngest said that as far as she was concerned she wants me to know that she loves me and always will and that she is always available if I need her. We only have one life to live and if being female makes me happy then go for it. The other sister said that she couldnt even begin to understand going through that kind of crisis of identity but to know that she loves me even if we are crap at keeping in touch and that I am not alone, I can always phone her or drop by and not to worry about being DeeDee or male me.
    Later once the kids had gone to bed my sisters cracked open a bottle of wine and the youngest asked a few more questions - she is very like my Canadian friend in personality, so she asked when this all started and pointed out that the marriage exploding was very close to the fancy dress party, so I brought up the other things like stealing their clothes since I was 8 and started to talk about playing with their friends when we were younger and being more comfortable in womens company than mens and she pointed out that I grew up with  sisters.  I agreed - a lot of what other people use as atypical activity - playing with dolls, dressing up and playing imaginary games, coreographing dancing, playing cartwheel and handstands, jumping rope, hop scotch were all just normal for me growing up even though I accepted I was a boy.  I pointed out though that other men are brought u in all female households and do not question their gender - as far being trans goes if you sit and question it then you probably are because "normal" people (this is just phrasing and not meant to offend) just don't question the gender they are assigned at birth because they are comfortable in their skin. I have felt emotionally and socially inadequate and not quite right my entire adult life and so I need to take this seriously and explore it so I do not turn into our mum or try to commit suicide because the statistics are genuinely terrifying.
     
    I should point out that none of the above was confrontational, my baby twin sisters are not identical and the eldest, me and the youngest all look alike, I said that accepting me as I was sat dressed as I am is one thing, but if I rocked up in a skirt and wig it would be a different thing altogether, so I pulled up a photo of me in my blond wig and showed them. My sister then said that I looked more like her twin than her twin does lol, so she took my glasses and took a photo of herself (she has straight blond hair) other than the eyebrows and the fact that I am bigger in the face we really do look almost identical - they both found it funny and I was told that I better go to them for fashion advice, it prompted a discussion about dressing inappropriately for the environment and making yourself stand out even more. I said that I will probably just change slightly to begin with, my sister suggested small earrings and I know that now they have seen me as Dee that initial shock will not be a big deal when the time comes. We talked about me moving away from where I am so I can be somewhere more accepting, my baby sister does not want me getting beaten up! (she would easily beat up anyone that started on me on a night out - she has training) and even though I could not stay late I am so grateful for my sisters. They told me not to worry about their respective partners as both are laid back, and both have reinforced the fact that if I need them they are here for me - regardless of geographical location.
     
    Our family has gone through a lot - they were not expecting to hear that their brother has daydreamed about being their sister when I arrived, but they know that this is not a knee jerk reaction, that I am taking it seriously and not rushing and they have offered to support me.  Another massive weight and worry lifted off my shoulders!  I only have my mum left to tell who is going to be very difficult as she has created a big thing around me being the only boy of the family, our relationship is close and has been since my dad died when I was a teen,  but that is also a big part of the reason why I was trying to be the man he was in my eyes and failed miserably. If my mum accepts me then I will be able to face anything else, if she does not then it will be very hard for a while, but at least all of my sisters will stand up for me.  I am sitting in a very good place today emotionally and just wanted to share.
  22. ScottishDeeDee
    My ex wife was on the phone today as we sorted out the childcare for the upcoming Easter holidays and swapped updates with how the children are getting on at school (currently my son lives with me and my daughter lives with her during the week and we alternate weekends with both - it will change to just 50% during holidays soon as my ex is almost certainly going to be moving out of the area and my daughter will want to go with her mum - our kids are about as happy as they can be in the circumstances).  The frustration comes with the delay in the divorce, I thought it would be coming through in the next couple of weeks, but now the courts want more money from her to finalise the agreement so it will be another 3-6 weeks depending on when she has the money to get it done.
    This is a very busy time for me and I was really hoping to get one thing ticked off my stress list. The sooner the divorce is finalised the more content I will be that if she discovers I am trans before I want it out in the world then she will not be able to alter the childcare arrangements without getting the courts involved.
     
    The other frustration is aimed squarely at myself. If I had called the gender clinic when I first started questioning I would only have a month or two to wait for an appointment, but instead I have to wait until October.  I spend most of my time in bed at the moment trying unsuccessfully to imagine what my life would be like if I chose to transition to female. Trying to work out a kind of pro/con scenario about my family & friends, my work and which colleagues would disown me and what direction my life would take in general. 
    Some aspects and connections I am making in my work as male me at the moment are going very well and they would all need to change significantly.
    Transitioning will be a permanent change - there is no going back to just being me. I keep finding myself wanting to tell people on some days and then worrying that the more people I tell the more pressure there will be to actually transition.
     
    May will soon be here and with it the pride weekend I have promised my niece we would go to - yet I have still only been out once, am I ready to turn up for a full weekend as Dee? Do I really want to do it with my niece, who is young enough to accept it without worrying but has enough of her own issues and insecurities?
    I keep sabotaging myself, I am not exercising and somehow keep buying bars of chocolate even when I know I need to lose weight and will not be able to fit into the clothes I own soon if I keep it up. I  have increased my veg intake substantially but my eating habit is terrible at the moment, especially in the evenings.
     
    Do I feel like this because I do not think I will make a "good woman"? - which I think means shaking off the perception of just being a man acting like a woman, or do I feel this way because a part of me knows I should not transition and have just been enjoying an extended "wouldn't it be nice if I could start again" escape scenario since last October.
    Or do I feel this way because of the magnitude of actually being openly female in front of people whose opinions I care about scares the crap out of me?
    Am I fighting it just because I am transphobic on some level? It seems to be fine for everyone else, just not for me at the moment.
    Am I just looking for excuses to continue being "cis'' and forget all this?
    I have spent my life trying to blend in to the background, to not be noticed or stand out except when I have to, and this is something that will 100% prevent me from doing that.  It is hard to tell which side I am making the excuses for. I do not want to transition, but I Need to be authentic and honest with myself and the people around me.. If I understand the definitions correctly I have more social and emotional dysphoria than physical dysphoria - it is more like I experience euphoria when I physically look like how I mentally feel.
    I do not even know if that is the right way to express my feelings but if becoming Dee is so right why is it such a struggle?
  23. ScottishDeeDee
    I shaved properly (with a razor instead of my electric shaver) for the first time since my laser this morning and because I knew I would have the house to myself i put on my prettiest black dress and a pair of heels I bought ages ago but will never wear out because the heels are far too impractical... I wanted to see if it made me feel girly as I feel like Dee has been very quiet recently, not gone just not as loud or as certain as she has been. After teetering around making myself a late breakfast my intention was to sit and get some work done on my computer but instead I sat watching "Am I trans enough" videos on Youtube. An hour later I had taken the dress off as my libido was kicking in, dressing female has been heavily ingrained with satisfaction that my body responds automatically quite frequently and I end up horny without quite meaning or wanting to.  
    I came back to the laptop and watched a couple of other videos of people and was disheartened again by the narrative of "I've always known" and "it was change or die" that I always seem to find hard because that has not been my personal experience, the Youtuber said that for her she went to a doctor and had done the Cogiati test, ans was told of course you are trans just get on with it.  This is 10+ years ago. Out of interest I googled it and took the test, (3 times lol)  I think I got the same thing now that I did when I was going through my online test phase late October - each time I fall into category 4 "Probable Transexual".
    "What this means is that the Combined Gender Identity And Transsexuality Inventory has classified your internal gender identity to be essentially feminine, but with some masculine or androgynous traits. It is very possible that you are a candidate for a diagnosis of transsexualism. You show a strong degree of gender dysphoria. At the very least, further investigation should be undertaken. Your COGIATI score places you among the majority of those diagnosed as transsexuals, the 'late onset' transsexual." (the words above are copied straight from the site and are starting to show their age)
     
    Lol - even the online quiz, which by the third time of taking it I must have been deliberately attempting to skew answers while still being honest only uses words like "probable". I know that others have taken this test and that in reality it means diddly squat. My score floated somewhere between 170 and 205, though the site doesnt tell you out of what, last time I used a site that had the gradings and scores etc... The 205 was actually when I took the test the first time today, so in fact I became more masculine in my answers as I attempted to become more feminine lol. Problem is I cannot lie, and some of the questions are hard to answer and I never moved out of the same bracket.
    It seems that I am destined to not have someone tell me one way or the other - although a few very kind people online have told me that I am a transperson because of the content and thoughts that I have shared and that one day soon I will embrace it and move on. 
    I do not really see any of these online tests as being indicative one way or another.   I think that a part of me accepts that I must be trans to even want to be seen and recognised as a woman while a part of me just sees this whole process as one long irrevocable disaster waiting to happen.
    Every online piece of advice states categorically that you should not transition unless you are sure, but that seems to be a luxury that I am not able to afford.
    I was asked recently if I have a goal or a plan and I honestly do not.  My only goal is to truly know who I am and to accept myself. Inner peace will lead to outer peace, I just want to do that with as little drama as possible. Unfortunately while I appear all calm and casual on the outside, inside my brain and emotions are tumbling around like a washing machine on a spin cycle.
    On the plus side though I have been able to laugh at myself today instead of just sighing. Which I take to be a good sign.
    x
  24. ScottishDeeDee
    How do you even start to present female when your face is this rough all the time?
    Without being able to shave I am constantly being reminded of my facial hair as it catches on all my work shirts.  I expected the sunburn feeling but my face looks hideous at the moment and I hate it.
    After 4 days the dark hairs are still pushing their way out so my stubble is really rough, looks really obvious all the time even after I attempted to shave because I had to go and see someone, you would never know to look at me.
    It is so untidy and patchy! but more than that my skin is really dry and flaky and part of my top lip scabbed even with using the after care gel 2-3 times a day - my ex who is not the most observant of people actually asked what was up with my neck when she was talking to me today - I told her it happened after trying to use a straight razor I got for Christmas as a present - either shaving wrong or having the blade under water that was too hot & scalding myself.
    Do I have to worry about looking like this after every visit or will it calm down?
    At the moment I am struggling to see even a small glimpse of Dee at all in the mirror. I don't look or feel female - and yet I don't feel particularly male either regardless of how I look.
    What on earth am I doing?
  25. ScottishDeeDee
    I have just been told by my ex partner that she got engaged to her new man last night and my brain is struggling to absorb the information. I was looking after the 3 dogs this weekend with the children to allow her to travel down and hand our divorce papers in and then go for a hospital appointment today that had implications for a possible op so I was trying to help alleviate stress. I knew she would probably meet up with her man but that was not really a big deal, but promising to marry him kinda feels like it is.
    Apart from the surreal moment that I knew would happen at some point where she tried to reassure me that I would always be dad and he wouldn't try and take that from me she talked about him being okay with us still being friends - which is why she wanted to tell me herself (the translation of this motive though she probably could not admit it was simply that she can tell the kids now without worrying they would blab).
    After processing for a few minutes while she talked I told her that I hope that they will both find happiness with one another - and I mean that. All I have ever wanted for her was that she was happy. It just worked out that what she wanted in me was a friend and not a life partner.  He has his own teenage children and a tentative and usually acrimonious relationship with his ex wife, and at the moment their relationship involves a lot of travel across Scotland.
    My head hurts - I want to be happy for her but a part of me is thinking WTF! To get to the point of accepting marriage since telling me she wanted to walk away last September means that there is no way in hell that their relationship only just started up again once she had left - that unconfirmed but likely betrayal hurts the most. Now more than ever I feel totally used.
    I have always struggled with my self esteem and now even though I am bald and covered in hair I am thinking that I could try and make a life for myself as a woman. Who am I kidding? 👴👩‍💼
    It's like I am trying to be alone!
    Sorry - just ignore me I'm just venting, I just wish I hadn't invested so much when we got back together after the second time she left because it would hurt much less now to know that while she has already moved on I'm stuck in a literal no mans land not sure what the hell I'm doing. 😢
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