anunitu

no more words to this empty page with no reply's at at all a waste of my time and stupid believing anyone even cares if i am in pain

i will not be a victem that would allow abuse to be considered worth any attention,what i truly am is an avenging angel seeking payback,but not here that belongs to another who i was a victem of not by my concent

talking to strangers sucks but i guess that is at least talking right?

this whole thing is just verbal masturbation, and does not feel at all fulfilling i need to stop this stupid typing

it never gets better that was a stupid hope if ever there was one. every time i think it is changing it goes poof and gone other people are just the worst to try and believe in,because no one is ever really there at all

i wish i had never been born and never entered this freaking long stupid place,i thought i had found the peace i was after but it slipped away with all my friends when they left when i finished my goal,and the nightmare began in Ernest the world is a wasteland of hurt and pain,so i need to find the exit and never return here to the dream

right now it feels like i never existed,and my whole life has just been a long nightmare that will never end but i will find a way to make this nightmare end forever

no one to even tell how bad i am feeling right now the whole world can go to hell,

alone sucks

just woke up from a horrible nightmare, it was the worst one i have had in a very long time i was all alone in a strange place with no idea where i was i do not want to sleep if i have another one like that

i am awake but against my will,i want to just sleep forever like that dark sleep i had in that coma if only i could be back there,the here and now right now hurts to much in body and soul.

woke up to very cold had to crank up the heat to its max level

i had hoped coming on the forum i would not feel so alone,but it now feels worse than before because i know your future because it is my present better to have lived fast and been gone sooner

this is a concern for anyone who has gotten older and finds the years have not helped to ease the needs of the spirit ,but allows one to think about a soft exit not a slow decay. better quick and done than a long road with no happy memories or feeling left behind by your old friends wishing to join them in their long rest.

one thing is i have finished my journey,and have no goals other than finding love the one thing that was always the most important that now seems very hard to find anywhere, so why post about the things i already got through others might think about the end game after they get through the big cut, there are other things that you might lose that will never return to you ever ,like emotional connection with another flesh and blood human. that is the really hard part of all this gender concerns. when you finish will anyone even want you at all?

reality has become a bad place to be again,off chasing rabbits again down that rabbit hole again

i should never allow my emotions free rein,never again ever

and it has done that again

every time i move forward and think things are ok,it all goes straight to hell and the pattern repeats itself again. and again.

i woke at 3am,and have tried to return to sleep,but it evades me for now,i was hoping to see someone log on,but i fear they will continue to stay offline. i do not connect to many people generally because i need to keep myself from becoming to placing to much importance in people and people are at times toxic for me,myself not having strict boundaries on my emotions and expectations my isolation is also my protection even when i wish connection to others so,i might seem aloof at times because i am keeping my distance for that reason. i do know i tend to ramble and that was called on another site,talking in tongues after i mentioned my being pagan in belief that was the only reason given when that site banned me as disruptive in chat,no other reason was given ever. long story was i was befriended by one mod who knew what was going on behind the scenes on that site i did appeal,but was ignored when i asked for a more complete reason for the ban,none came but it seemed to have been my mention of my beliefs. i will not name the site because i do not feel that would be productive at all. that mod has since left that site and has become a very close friend she is a non op mtf,the non op being an age and health related issue she was the only one on that site to stand up for me in the whole process, because she knew i was being rail roaded for reasons not clear at all. she had access to mods exchanges and it became clear that there was no other reason other than a certain person having an issue with my beliefs. as to why thy had that issue i can not say,but being a long time pagan that is not an uncommon reaction.

aversion thing i think it was called?

i know that little trap and my ex tried to get me to do that therapy where you fix things by praying it away ,i did not even consider that crap

having had this happen with my ex i understand completely,and my ex being the first and only person i have ever loved, it was very trying at that time i had hoped we could stay together and we had two almost grown children it hurt very much,but i had to continue my journey alone because i would have died if i had not gotten to the srs i knew that in my heart from an early age.

oh i am so sorry this is hurting you sister but be strong and find your true self because that is your right and you deserve to be your true self and happy you are loved sister

sorry you are going through this but i have learned the hard way you can not live to keep others comfortable but deny your own needs, they would not alter their behavior to allow you to feel real and alive so you really owe them nothing in return just from my personal experience live and for yourself and learn to love yourself because you deserve that love and caring.