anunitu

why i am androg i love comfort over fashion every time

my ex was the only woman i had ever been with,and for me the feeling of loving another person was very life changing,but she was VERY religious and kept telling me about how a minister in her church had been found to be gay,and gone through conversion therapy and had married an ex lesbian who had also done the therapy it became very clear she thought i should also do that,but i think she thought i was just gay,she not knowing the difference between a trans person and a gay person i of course did not even try as she called it to fix my devils curse, the minister and his lesbian wife lasted a total of 3 years before both returned to their former lives,but the church still insisted it could be prayed away,and that they had just not believed enough, this brought my ex and i to complete odds on my issues as I did not want to abandon my real self for the sake of social acceptance. my ex laid down the law saying she could not have me embarrass her by being my authentic self. so we parted ways and i lost touch with my children,and went my way to my true future self it hurt losing my first and only love,but it would have been destructive if i tried to be what everyone else said i should do for all their sakes,but not concerned with my sake,so I made the very hard choice hoping i would at another time find love again,but that has eluded me even now. it was a cost I was willing to pay for my personal peace in my body and soul not following my path to my true self would have led to my death by my own hand of that i was sure. so i took up the path to personal Resurrection as my now complete self, it has been a very lonely way to travel never finding that love again,but worth it to feel alive and normal at last. you must live for yourself not for others comfort or their wishes for their place caring nothing for your pain and suffering because you were cursed you see,and they did not deserve your broken life joined with theirs, because it was all about their pain,never yours. i do not know how many marriages have survived this gender change,but in my experience the odds were not very good because your better half might have a completely different agenda in their future vision. stay strong in your journey and finding your future peace. and hopfully love again. ok there is my two coppers worth of insight, so stay strong in your ×

i am in new jersey north nj in fact i just woke at 5 am,so still a little foggy but now more awake and glad for your input,please feel free to let me know if my words convey an understanding about this our common journey.

i love who i have become in body and soul i feel more emotional release now not locked in a war with my old i thought my role as a male that was never in fact me at all.

this i know well having been married for 10 years and my gender issues broke our marriage apart, i tried to salvage it but my path and my exs were moving in completely different directions. so we parted and i went into my final flight path that came in time to the surgeons table and my new beginning,and i have no regrets now fully being my true self. i am happy with my body now and that has sustained me even in loneliness.

i am working on the touching thing in my own way spirit contact comes to my mind distance thing energy contact over long distance heard of Eckankar ?

glad you liked my writing,i have about 40 poems on another site the witches voice in fact

the need to feel wanted is a very strong emotion in its own way

the choice thing was not my preference but what would i put up with to keep a man in my life before srs was achieved

if nothing else lonely will be the death of me even not by my own hand it hurts so must it causes major physical pain and i feel at times i will not persist in trying to survive by not following my diet restrictions because of the diabetes, stroke and heart attack become more likely in that path.

my being a be here now kind of person,i do not have many boundries in my writing and i might cross some lines at times the words come with no filter because the words come from outside myself, if i tried to filter them none of them would end up being put down in this format ever tell my muse to watch her self in saying such real life topics.

my ex broke our marriage off when she realized i was never going to change she also found i was with a guy and that set her off big time,but the body wants what it wants. and now being post op i can go where i really want to go with a guy,no anal ever again.

i have been there with my ex who knew BEFORE we got married and she said she could deal with it,but i think she thought she would change me,but to her i was arm candy,i admit i looked pretty good as a guy tall and slim with waist length hair at that time,mostly got married due to family pressure,not because that was a direction i wanted to go, and i am glad that we had two kids,now both hitting 40,and i have two beautiful grand kids lucy and niko i love both of them forever

i have been alone for about 15-20 years with few places of connection in person not by written word. i miss and want human touch more than even sex,it is being held or touched in a caring manner.

so we as trans need to find out what we truly want in that arena before finding ourselves in an attempted rape,men can be like that when not given what they see as their due.

one very important thing to remember about your image and your orientation if you look very doable at some time a guy may get very insistent about doing you even if you are not ready to accept that attention. so prepare yourself to know what you can allow,all cis women hit this same place at some time in their lives as to will i put out and risk their reputation.

my words flow from a place i can never reveal because i do not know that spirit in a connection other than the words flowing through me to the open page. i can not claim its creation,it just is my duty to put it down as it is imparted to me. at times that muse is so insistent that i can not sleep until I purge its words from my mind then the softness of sleep is granted to clear my thoughts so I can again speak my own mind once again. shut up spirit,I am trying to sleep here. good night for a while. perhaps to dream of a touching laughter and kittens playing in the beautiful garden of hope and a wisdom of thoughtful words and the music of the spheres sounds in its sweet melodies

thank you for your input,my greatest need is human contact,it seems ever more alone with each passing day,i just want my words to be heard and returned with some comprehension of what those words impart in emotional content not just marks on a page to be deciphered from the secret code of the language we share.

please feel free to add your words to mine as mine are so thin and frail as they have been of late. lost in this lonely life covered over by the river of tears that carry away so much pain in their movement from my heart.

I jot down my thoughts as they come,and 76 is in my neighborhood now,good to have your voice to sing along with me.

thinking i need to go shopping for a better darkness one that does not include me waking from its sweet embrace but you believe there is any army of happy lives,when in fact there is an army of broken children crying for their dead dreams of a caring mothers arms , i wax way to hopeful for a world of such darkness that covers over all our dreams of the sweet light of morning from this long night of broken glass can we remember how that other darkness grew and devoured so many lives? about that broken glass. https://www.history.com/topics/holocaust/kristallnacht

a curse "live long and suffer the worlds pain"

5:30 am on a quiet winter night,and when I woke up I wondered if I had only slept a few short hours thinking it was 5:30pm, but it seems over 20 hours has gone by. and in that 20 hours nothing has happened online or in my real life,the question that hit me was why ever wake up,just sleep the sleep of deepest never ending dreams and find some substance there, there being no substance here in the material world. this need for a reality void of any true connection has been growing these last few months since i had a stroke and spent a week in a coma in the hospital felt the most peaceful in my entire life. even though i was not awake to the world i was aware of where i was in a deep sleep that seemed to never approach an ending and they had to force me awake again, I did not want to return,then they used those paddles and broke my eternal dream, and a awoke very angry at the rude wake up, even now I want to return to that deep silent dream state. I f I do not follow my diet for the diabetes perhaps I will be allowed to return and not find so much lonely here in the reality that I can not wake from ether. my life was at least more awake when I was part of that long ago war that caused many of my childhood friends to go away forever. i should have left with them when i could have I got close at times but life would not let me go, maybe circumstance will now return to open the way home again. but this life is cruel in its ability to suck the joy and happiness from your dreaming heart. I only wish to again return to that coma state and reenter that soft dream or entrance to the never ending rest in peace home of everyone who went before leaving me to try to chase after them. again it is very early and i want to sleep another 20-30 hours until the sunlight screams my name again.

can we restrict types of viewers in the blogs? i hope so as to allow a more directed expression avoiding any underage members can we age restrict blogs?

I am thinking if I break out here in this senior building it will mess my ex's whole world as she is known by most others here,and she would not like me coming out here but i intend to do just that i am very tired of hiding in plain sight. she can make adjustments this time around, i kind of know some here who know only my semi male image here might be shocked at me saying to them its she not him kids,get used to it. where here get used to it, and no dead naming or mis gendering i did this whole thing at work before i did srs,and i hope i have the energy for it now,people are a pain in their dealing with change. but i NEED to go back to my real self very bad,as it is i have to watch what i say or how i act that would seem to them not how a guy would do those things it takes energy to keep that image up and it also grates on my emotional self because at this time i am going by my dead name i flinch when addressed by it i am so tired of doing things to not hurt or confuse others,but at a cost to my personal peace of mind, let them be the ones with that burden of remembering not to use my dead name and get their pronouns straight. i have accommodated them way to long. let my ex take this hit for not understanding my pain in this issue she may suffer from her friends asking what is that all about? i stayed hidden to protect her but that time is done,this old lady is breaking out the oh girls in public, and let them go figure my real self at last i would also like to get to know some of the jenneys here as sisters not as a freaking guy in their minds. maybe they might accept my place in the world of my sisters now. i want that so very bad,have no idea how some men here will take this,but they are big boys let them learn to cope. i am not going to play at the mask game anymore if safety becomes a factor it will be their safety because i learned how to cause great pain in the service. i do not like violence but i am not a stranger to it,if confronted they need to understand the danger they might expect if they disrespect my person. not lady like but who says a lady can't defend herself?