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I wish your fiancé a speedy recovery. She should surely do well being cared for by someone who loves her. :)

That was sweet of her, Caroline. Made me smile. There's nothing better than a happy story. She sounds like a good woman. As do you. -Michael

Thanks, ladies. All of you always seems to be able to put things in perspective. Your responses, and a little time... have allowed me to sit back and think more clearly. I guess deep down, I know my brother means no harm. I think it just took me by surprise 'cause he and I talk just like any two guys, brothers...about many things - including women. If I look at this logically...I have to believe he is accepting of me being TS, and has no issues with others who might be, or are, TS. I just never imagined he would try to justify using the wrong pronouns concerning someone who might have been TS. So far, besides the "he ain't heavy, he's my sibling" (), the only thing he's asked is if it's okay to continue calling me by the "shortened" version of my nickname...more acceptable (in my mind, and apparently his too) as a name for a guy. I've never had a problem with this as I realize to just up and change the name he's always known me by could be just as difficult as having to change pronouns. I know he accepts therealme, as when I arrived on my recent visit, he asked a favour of me (concerning bathroom habits) that he would not have had to ask of a female visitor. So yeah, I guess it's okay. But no matter what he calls me, I would like for him to understand why he should be respectful of how a person identifies, and react accordingly. -Michael

A [very] few here know that I was sweating bullets when I decided to tell the three most important people in my life about my trueself - my mum, my girlfriend and my brother. I was worried that I would lose their love. I didn't, but things didn't remain all that smooth. While I lost the support of my mother a few short months later, my g/f and brother seemed to stay the course. Now, I have to question just where my brother's feelings are on all this. He has been understanding and supportive. But today, he sorta shook my faith in him. Maybe it's unfounded. I dunno. I took him to take care of something. I stayed in my truck. When he came back to the truck, he said he had seen an MTF, but sorta bragged that it wasn't the first time he had seen one. Well, I had seen a woman earlier pass by, and no, she didn't have much of the classic "hourglass" shape and wasn't graceful as some ballet dancer...but come on, geez...not all women are. Doesn't mean right off that it's got to be a man in drag or a transwoman. But for some reason, when he said what he did, I asked, "a woman in a brown t-shirt?" He said, "yes." Then he went on to point out that the area is cool with stuff like that. I told him I never said anything about the area he lived in being intolerant or anything like that. We had had a discussion a few days prior and I had made comments about in general... society is not quite as accepting of transexual people as society might like some to believe. So he went on to say that it was no big deal in his town, and that no one had even paid him any attention. I commented that, "yes, I had seen her, but I didn't see her and think to myself, there's a transwoman." That my brother called the woman "him" had not escaped me, and I asked him, "why did you refer to her as "him" then?" He got a little indignant, as if I was implying that he had a problem with transexual people. So I said to him, she identifies as female, I don't think she would like someone referring to her as a man. He actually went through an explaination that even though she is MTF, if she looks like a man, and after all she is genetically a man, that's why he referred to her as a man. I was astonished. I didn't even know what to say. He said it was no big deal, that it shouldn't matter what anyone is or what they are called. Then shortly after, he asked me if I would have questioned our mother if she had said the same thing. I told him that I would, not that she would bring the subject up anyway...but that yes, I would have asked her the same question. He got a bit ticked and didn't talk to me for the rest of the afternoon... not because he was wrong (he doesn't feel he was), but because I challenged his tolerance. I dunno how to take this from him. I mean...he has told his friends that his "sibling" is transgender. Unless absolutely necessary...he no longer refers to me as his sister, but he doesn't refer to me as his brother either, which I can sort of accept 'cause after all...I'm not transitioned yet. He knows I bind and pack. I really thought it was all cool with him. Until today. I now have one solid ally left... my girlfriend. She's the only one now (of the three I've come out to) who hasn't let me down. Dunno what I'll do if she snatches my faith in her out from under me.... -David Michael

I was checking out some links on a page of links for transmen and ran across this website - http://safe2pee.org/new/, where you can find single and gender neutral bathrooms in public settings. Might be useful, and is apparently not just for here in the U.S., but in other [limited?] countries as well. -Michael

Though in slightly different ways, transmen have to deal with public bathroom issues also. For guys like me who don't look all that feminine to begin with, there are often stares of disgust or disdain (not sure which) from women when I walk into a public bathroom. Occasionally, I will even startle a few. And there have even been a few situations where a woman entering the bathroom has turned and quickly exited after seeing me, thinking she was in the wrong bathroom. Unfortunately...though I might not be immediately perceived as female at first glance, I don't look male enough to go into the men's bathroom with totol confidence. And while transwomen might be at risk in some places in a men's room, I sorta think there would be more of an air of shock or disbelief if men noticed a transman (that isn't quite passing yet) in the men's room. I sorta get the impression that it is women who "raise an alarm," so-to-speak, when they encounter someone they believe to be of the wrong gender in their little corner of the world. But even if I didn't cause a stir in a men's room, I don't wanna be in that kinda spotlight - the women's room is bad enough. Because of the bathroom woes, I will go to the bathroom before going someplace...even if I have to stand there a few minutes and force a solitary drop out...just to keep from having to end up going somewhere in public. When I do find I have to go while I'm out somewhere, I will try to find a reason to go into a convenience store if one is near-by - they often have single seaters. I also scope out the locations of bathrooms as some places actually have single unisex/handicap bathrooms in addition to larger multi-stall facilities. Yeah...it's a pain - sometimes literally! It would be nice if we didn't have to fret so about where to go when we gotta go...whether male or female. -Mike

It seems that with the increased amount of information we read and hear today about trangenderism, and people being told that transexuals are born as such, and are aware of it at a very young age...it seems they tend to leave out the part that not all of us state our positions starting in those tender years, that not all children will insist that they are something contrary to their physical sex/assigned gender. Because of this...my mother is convinced that I am not what I say I am, because I never said anything as a child. I've told her that not all children do, but she doesn't buy it. A few weeks ago...I began to wonder if I am truly transexual simply because everyone keeps saying that a transexual child will begin to make a stand early in life. I've mentioned in a few posts that I learned at an early age that this was NOT something you told anyone, it wasn't something that was discussed. but I wondered... WHY did I not say anything? What was it that taught me that I shouldn't say anything? The obvious has a lot to do with the era in which I was raised, and of course that was dictated by the era in which my parents were raised. When I was a kid, you did what you were told, you did NOT talk back, you certainly never contradicted anything an adult said or told you. My parents were fairly strict. My dad was in the army. Back then, if the kids got in trouble...so did dad. And if dad got in trouble...boy!! were you in for it. Also, society still had a hand in things when I was growing up. It was nothing for a neighbor, teacher, priest, shopkeeper, or any other adult/authority/parent figure to set you straight if you were doing something wrong. And you obeyed. It was fairly uncommon for the most part to even mouth off to these non-familial individuals - chances are, if you did, your parents would soon find out. So it didn't really matter if you misbehaved in their presence or not. Consequently...I believe these factors are what pretty much kept my brother and me walking a fairly straight and narrow path. Okay...but, that might not completely explain why I didn't say anything. Then it dawned on me just yesterday. No, I didn't say anything. I did however take on certain postures and body language (emulated from the boys around me), and I had a liking for boys toys, or toys that were deemed appropriate for both boys and girls. I do remember a cowboy hat and gun and holster that I had at about age 4... so I apparently liked that kinda stuff even then. But perhaps at that age, my parents had no heartburn about buying those things for me. I'm sure they figured there was plenty of time to teach me what I was supposed to like and want. Anyway...I remember several specific occasions where I was sat down by one parent or the other and told that girls don't do this, girls don't do that... or sometimes it was worded "only boys do this," or "only boys want that." And I wish I had $5 for everytime my mum spat out, "are you a girl or a boy?!" Still to this day I don't know what she ever thought about me having never answered her. I only know that since coming out to her, and despite that she does not accept it...she has never asked me that question again. So I'm thinking that everytime I was chastised for acting or talking a certain way...that just reinforced the idea that I should never tell anyone who/what I was. I'm thinking that I can't be the only one. I know that today's kids are a lot different, and seem to have a lot more expressive freedom than when I was a kid, but surely even today, some kids remain silent. And this certainly was not the case for all TG/TS people about my age...but I still can't be the only one that stayed silent as a kid. If I am...then, that sorta makes me wonder if i truly am transexual....

Time Since my "limited coming out" at age 48 in 2005, I've lamented the loss of time more than I ever have. Additionally, it feels like time is flying by, mocking me. I've come to despise "father time" with every fiber of my being. I had big plans back then. Had the beginning of my rightful place in this life all mapped out. Then I discovered that the hellhole I live in doesn't have a gender therapist. There isn't one within a 4 hour drive of me. And my current situation wouldn't exactly support me disappearing a whole day every couple weeks or once a month...whenever appointments would be. Then I lost the support of my mum. After that, it seems like hope took a nose-dive. Recently, I think I've come to a realization why as an adult I've nostalgically looked back on my younger years. Yes, to some degree I believe...as probably many generations do...life was better "back then." people were more trusting of each other. We didn't live in a dog-eat-dog world. People were more social, and friends and co-workers watched your back almost like family. And in most places, the poor guy on the corner with a sign looking for help (only as a last resort) was truly destitute and needing help...and not some damn scam artist. I often enjoy watching old cartoons...as it takes me back to my childhood. I like the old shows like the Andy Griffith Show, The Twilight Zone, and westerns like Rawhide, Wagontrain and Laredo. Of course, some of those shows (like the latter ones in that list) I liked because I wished I was the guys in those shows. I look back both fondly and sadly on those days. Sadly...because of all the things I missed out on. All the things the average boy gets to experience. Back then...while I did play basketball and fast-pitch softball (I prefer to say I played baseball)...I couldn't play them as a boy, I couldn't play on a boys team - that kinda thing just didn't go over back then. While I had several serious crushes on various girls from late elementary clear through high school, I never acted on those feelings - I knew I wasn't gay and I didn't want to be seen as gay. And of course, I knew they weren't gay...so it wouldn't have mattered either way. Missed out on asking a girl to the prom. And since I couldn't do that, naturally...I didn't get to get all decked out in a tux, and pick her up armed with a corsage for her. Didn't get to fall in love with the woman of my dreams and ask her to marry me. Mighta been willing to have kids had I been born with all the right body parts. Mighta been willing to adopt kids if I could have let someone in on my big secret back then and had been able to transition when I was young... back then. Yeah...woulda been nice, I think. Now at 51... I sometimes think to myself, it would be nice to hear someone call me "dad." Now...there is a woman in my life. A woman I want very badly to make my wife. Got a few things in my current life that I need to take care of first, though. But it seems like time is leaving me behind. Sometimes I sit here thinking time is gonna take her away from me before we can even start a life together...or me away from her. Or just not leave me enough time to spend with her once we are together. Sadder yet is the fact that I can't even tell anyone about her since no one knows about the real me. Despite having a woman I love, and who loves me, I still find myself quite often cursing time and age...because I couldn't enjoy life and a wife as a young man. I couldn't be the fiancé instead of the fiancée. I couldn't enjoy all those firsts and all the memories that remain afterward... as a man, with his wife. No first apartment, then first house. No celebrating anniversaries and job promotions. No kids and playing Santa. No enjoying our golden years together, properly aged with a lifetime of cherished moments. No sharing those memories with grandkids. We lose all that never was or could have been. We walk through this life as stoically as we can, keeping our pain to ourselves until we can't take it anymore. When the over-whelming need to be ourselves finally forces us to step forward, those around us wanna give us grief for it. Then, after having lost a lifetime of things missed, some of us lose family, friends, jobs. So then, loneliness can be added to the pain. Thankfully...I don't have to worry about losing a job. Unfortunately...I am fairly sure I will lose all family except my brother. Friends...I can't say I care one way or the other. Over time, they've not turned out to be all that great anyway. I look back nostalgically because it was a time of innocense. There was not the intense pressure yet to play some role. And before puberty...this gender identity thing wasn't quite kickin' my ass the way it did and continued to do afterward. I wish that I could do it all over again. Get another chance to "do it right." I wish I could take what I know now, back in time, do it all over again...and come out as a kid. Or at least much sooner than I finally did, or perhaps not try so hard to fill that damned assigned gender role. I think things might have been a little easier for me if I just had been myself no matter what. And of course, NOT do some of the things I did... like play the part of the "fiancée" and freakin' get married. If it wasn't for the fact that the woman I love, loves me so much, and it would hurt her so badly, and I DO want to be with her... I'd end it...