LovelyLisa

Karen, thank you so much for the suggestion. I will do that!!! --Lisa

Week of 2015-01-26 So I thought I posted this, but did not. Don't know what happened. I did talk with my wife last week about having difficultly in not transitioning and being transgender and that I think that I need to transition. I told her that I talked to my therapist about and that she would recommend me, just based on the few sessions I had. She cried and reminded me that she wanted to be married to a man. I cried as well. She said that this would be so hard and how do you plan on doing this without creating tons of problems. And I said that I did not know. But I was planning on resigning from the church vestry if I did transition. And even though I know the church would support and accept me, that I would probably leave because I would not want to rip the church apart. Another question she asked was, "why now?" And I told her I did not know why, but that I think it has to do with me tying my identity to my career / job. My dad dying may have something else to do with it as well. I also told her that, if I did transition, it would not be for 2 to 3 years. I told her that she was all that I have ever wanted that I would continue to work and fight for this family through my transition. And continue to do whatever I had to, in order to support my family. I told her again that I've felt like this my whole life, since being 3 or 4 years old. That there are so many ways that we sin or behave badly, and that in most cases when we are young those things are put on us as youth. But this is the one of those things that society or family did not put on me... it was always there. I didn't know anything about being gender-variant until I was in 5th grade. The next day driving to work in the morning she called me, which she never does. She told me that no matter what I do, that I will support you. For me, that means the whole difference in the world. It is not a promise, because nothing in life is guaranteed. But what it means to me is that she will stand by me and support me through this if I decide to transition or not. Which will make the difference between those who are on the fence or will attack me based on this decision. --Lisa

Karen, that is good news! Especially the living nearby part!

This week has been really tough focusing at work really busy with no outlet for me. I feel trapped and terrible. I've been drinking too much and not dealing with things well. Something has to change. Anyways. That has been my week in a nutshell. 100% doing things I don't want to do, yet I feel like I have no choice. I am planning on having a talk with my wife. But I have a feeling that it will not go particularly well. Usually she asks how I am doing and we talk about it. But not in the past week. So, I may need to approach her and talk about what I am thinking. The thing that stinks is we have tons of events this week and weekend that we have to go to. I am thinking that it would be better to talk about it next week. But maybe not. I don't know. I started to do more research on transition and the costs. The endo appointment - not bad, hormones, electrolysis ... not bad budget wise. However FFS is a different story. I am thinking that I need something, even if it is only a facelift and a brow shave. The other thing too is that I need to get my weight down to where it was about a year and a half ago around 160 lbs or maybe even 150. But being depressed has not helped. It's weird. Usually I am super motivated to look good in a dress and I do it. Not so over the last year or so. That will need to change as I transition. I am still in good shape and exercise regularly. I just need to address the eating. Anyways, I think that I will get there. Another girl told me that there are times that I will just need to "bulldoze my way ahead". I think that is where I am at. Need to get the bulldozer ready to roll! --Lisa

Karen, I am seeing a therapist and talked with her about hormones. She said that she would recommend me for them. I'm thinking that I may need to do it soon. I am not happy, feel like my life is on hold. Plus, I know that it will take time for the hormones and electrolysis / laser so I'd be better off starting now. I don't feel panic'd to transition though. It's more about progress. Am I nearing a goal. Anyways, there are four endocrinologists that I need to research / contact to get the initial blood work. Plus, I still need to talk with my wife. I haven't talked with her about anything tg related in a week and I'm thinking that this just needs to happen. ---Lisa

My gender dysphoria has been really bad again this week. I did outline roadmap for myself, still working on it. But I need to get started with hormones and hair removal. I don't know what else to do! -Lisa

Veronica, thank you for your comment. I don't know what to think. But I know how I feel. I love him very much! He is my baby. He had a problem talking as well. We prayed that he would talk and now he won't stop. It's so funny. My wife sometimes wants him to shut the hell up and I remind her that her prayers were answered! Lol! --Lisa

I'm so excited for you!

That is really a great story which gives the rest of us hope. It looks like you are emerging from the other side of transition. I'm having a hard time seeing the other side of transition. But I keep having to remind myself that I need to look 5 years down the road from now. It's a hard thing to do! But I'm sure that you know that!

Before my wife knew about me, she wondered if our son, who is was 4 years old, might be transgendered. I told her that I did not think so. For a variety of reasons. But lately my feelings on that have changed. Over the last few months, he has been immensely interested in girl dolls. Lately, Barbie and American Girl. When my wife was about to donate my daughter's Kit doll, my son, now 6 years, just about pitched a fit, so we let him have her. Anyways, American girl dolls have matching outfits for the girls as well as the books. This was the first thing that he asked for. Unfortunately, my wife had gotten rid of the clothes my daughter wore and the books. Two weeks ago, my son told me that he wished that he could wear the same clothes as Kit to school, that he felt like he was both a girl and a boy (bigendered), but he was afraid that he would be embarrassed. I did not say much other than to ask why. After that, he has been either asking for matching Kit clothes or a life-sized girl doll that he can dress with real girl clothes. This past Saturday my son wanted me to put up posters in his room. As we were up there, he reiterated his desire for a full-sized doll. Which is when I asked him the point blank question, "do you want to have a full sized doll so that you can wear the clothes as well". He said yes. I asked him what types of clothes he wanted to wear and he said dresses. He showed me the types of dresses and even mentioned a dress (in great detail) that he wanted from Target. Anyways, I could tell that he was embarrassed about it. I told him that there was nothing wrong with wearing girl clothes, wanting to wear girl clothes or to be a girl. That I loved him no matter what. He said "Thank you, Daddy" and gave me a hug. We talked for a few more minutes and then I went to talk with my wife, who talked with him. But I went downstairs and cried. In a way I was thankful that he could come and talk to me about it. But at the same time, I was hoping that he would not have the same struggles that I had and am having with gender. I talked with my wife later and told her that I think we need to let him express himself and that at some point, I need to let him know about me. She is worried about the struggle at school. Though they have a TG policy, just instituted this year at my son's school, it will be hard. Also, she is worried that he is not reading. I told her, this might be a reason. Anyways, I felt so bad for her. She has a husband who is thinking about transitioning and now a son that wants to be a girl at school. Though, she said that maybe me coming out to her two years ago and going through this was to prepare for what my son is going through. It's hard to say. But, I know this. I will fight like an angry momma bear for him. And so will his momma. --Lisa

Emma, thank you and I am sorry to hear about your loss. Yes, I've looked at Lynn Conway's website. Not recently. I've looked at a lot of transition related websites over the years..I guess that should have been clue. Anyways, thank you again. You are a good friend! Love, Lisa

I'm going to post this this morning, because lately I haven't been getting to it on Sunday nights, like I try to. Week-of-2015-01-12 Another busy week. I worked late Monday, then had to go to a church meeting then stayed up late to watch the National Championship (I went to Ohio State). Anyways, that "cooked" my goose well. I didn't recover until the following Saturday. I did go to my Therapy session but skipped MAGIC because I was too tired. It was funny, I literally was driving there and just decided to go home, because physically and mentally I was running on fumes. While at therapy this week, I talked about how I thought that I could control everything and fix everything. But have figured out over these last few years that is not the case. I may be able to fix "some" things, however I have no control over anything. And that is something that has taken me time to let go of. Prayer has helped me understand, that any feelings of control is not truly control and that there are only some things that I can fix. But once I let go of the need to fix everything and control everything, I started to realize that I need to look into transition. Being TG or even just dressing isn't something that can be controlled. Those are feelings that never go away or leave. Anyways, the therapy session felt really short. I elaborated on a lot, but the last 15 minutes of the meeting I started to get serious about focusing on what was needed to take the next steps. Like what happens next if I transition. I told her that if I transitioned, I would need hormones, electrolysis / laser and will have FFS, because I think that I need it. I asked for endocrinologist referrals. I think that my therapist was surprised by the whole discussion. When I came in for my first appointment I told her that I would take 3 to 6 months to make a decision and here it's been only two months. She said that she would recommend me for it, just based on the sessions that we've had so far. I told her though that I need to come up with and determine my own TS roadmap, before I proceed further. I mentioned the TSRoadmap website and that it has been there for years and she had never heard of it before and was glad that I told her. Last night, I started to go through everything in more detail on the TSRoadmap website. It did not have all the answers for me, however it had probably about 95% of them. I literally started to populate a project schedule with the things that I needed to do and events. I'm thinking at the earliest 44 years old and 45 years old being the latest. But it will take a lot of effort to get there. It's not a track meet by any stretch of the imagination. I was a little disappointed to find out that my health insurance excluded treatment for TG, even endo and hormones, unless "medically" necessary, whatever the hell that means. I'm going to call them (BCBS) in order to find out how that determination is made. Another thing that was disappointing was that Ohio, the state that I was born in, will not update sex on my birth certificate. However, I can get my gender marker updated in Virginia and on my passport, which are the key documents for employment, etc. As I learn more, I'll let people know. Sorry for the long blog posts! On a separate topic, one of the things that came up when I was talking with my mom was my dad and if this (me wanted to transition and being in a crisis) could be happening because of him dying. I told her that I did not know, but that it was possible. He knew that I had dressed and went to therapy when I was growing up. But I had often thought about telling him that I was transgendered (among other things) just so that he knew before he died. It wasn't at the top of my agenda, particularly during the last month of his life. At first when he died, it was a fleeting thought like, well I didn't talk to my dad about it, but it doesn't really matter because he is not around anymore. But now, particularly the last month or so I have felt otherwise. I miss him and the conversations that we had and his feedback (he hardly ever gave me advice). I think he would have been supportive of me, however I just don't know. But I wish that I did and to talk with him about it, because I have a feeling, he would have given me good advice. I feel so much like $hit sometimes about him not being around. It's still hard for me to fathom. I always think that he is a phone call away and fooled myself into thinking that he would make it and always would be. And then there are times that I would think that I don't need advice from my parents anymore. And after my parents stopped giving me advice, a funny thing happened. I yearned for their advice and acceptance. Anyways, I can't do anything about it. It makes me sad though. Thank you for listening and your support! Love, --Lisa

For me it's not about having to do this before I die. It is more about how I want to live. If I found out that I only had 2 weeks to live and hadn't transitioned, that would be the least of my worries and honestly, I would have no regrets. No matter what I do, I do know that I will regret not transitioning now and later in life looking back on it. Because my feelings won't subside. There is always the possibility that they will, kind of like they did for a number of years until lately. But I doubt it. I'm in a different stage in my life, where it's not about advancing my career. So once those took a back seat to my life, everything has changed for me. I wouldn't call it a mid-life crisis. I would call it a re-prioritization of my life.

Emma, Thank you for your support. This journey most likely be a marathon. That's okay. As long as it happens by the time I am 45 years old. Love, --Lisa

Your comment about being an "imposter in the TG House", I used to feel as well. Especially if you go to a group where several have transitioned or are in the process of transitioning. I felt like if I was not in the process of transition that somehow I was a fraud. Someone said they felt like a fraud and someone else felt like they did not have courage as well and I said that I felt the same way to the group. But, we can't feel that way. We all have our own individual journeys and should not feel like we have to transition, have SRS, etc. For example, I may never transition. If I did transition, I may have FFS, but will most likely not have SRS or at least have it for a while. Yet I feel the need to present and express myself as female. And look good. It's true that gender is between the ears. But we all have a need to express our gender in some way. For me, it has to do with how I am perceived and what I've learned that society finds acceptable. For others, it may be different.

Emma, Thank you. I am just taking one step at a time. Taking it slow. Though I just talked with my therapist about reallly transitioning yesterday. She was really surprised that I was so direct with her about it. She said that she would recommend me for transition, just based on what I've told her.

***I thought that I posted this earlier, but it did not come through (luckily I saved it!) Coming off of Christmas, I was really busy going back to work after being out for 2 weeks. Things are becoming more clear for me and I think that I am going to start exploring what needs to be done to transition so that I can go into it with my eyes wide open. On Friday I was supposed to have a therapy session but rescheduled, however I did go to the second friday support group. One of the topics was friendship and when sharing how my friendships have been affected by being trans, it became crystal clear for me. Though I've had periods early in life where I've made good lasting friendships, I have been unable to do that the last 25 years. It has been a challenge for me because I think people could tell that I was not being 100% open with them. It's not like it is anyone's business whether I am TG or not. However, most people can sense these things. And I think that I have been holding back somewhat because of what was going on with me. Plus, I've been leading a double life somewhat, friends on both sides, not being able to merge the lives and sets of friends. Unable to invest in strong, long-term relationships. I've been in a gray area. Limbo. Regarding the crystallizing moment, that's when I realized that I've been wasting a lot of energy on being two people. It has affected my relationships, it has affected work and my business because so much of my energy has gone towards this and not something else. It's been distracting, particularly these last few months. I think about being "me" constantly. Returning to work this week, the feelings of not being who I should be are still there. They have not gone away and never will. This isn't like quitting smoking, or drinking. This isn't a mind over matter thing. So anyways, at that support meeting I finally realized that I have to transition. It won't be for a while, because I want to get my affairs and finances in order. However, I realized that I have been wasting so much energy, time, etc. that it has affected all of my relationships in one way or another, that I have felt terrible at different points of my life (even though I should not have). Wasting time in repression, purging, depression that have taken away from everything else I could be in life. I started this blog for myself and to share based on a FB posting. I am glad that I did. I tend to keep things inside and tend not to share for a variety of reasons (mostly I am extremely introverted). Writing has helped me vent and to get it out. It's helped me think things through so that I can be confident about my decisions. But most importantly, I have received a lot of support from everyone who is reading. Thank you so much! Everyone who has contacted me to offer support and share, I really appreciate your support and your friendship. It has been so hard for me to get the support that I need, because I never took the time to reach out. I'm glad that I did and thank you. And if there is anyone reading these words who needs support and friendship, please do so. You can contact me or start a blog just like I have. I would also like to apologize to taking several days in some cases to get back. It usually not until the weekends that I get a chance to reflect on the week and have the time to write about it. Please have a good weekend and week. And thank you again! Love, Lisa

Sweetie, this is your journey and what it means to you may will be different from others. You don't need to be taking hormones or have surgery to be transgender or feel female. You also don't have to transition full-time, unless you feel you need to. I'm so glad that you do feel welcome here and can share. Hang in there! Lisa

Interesting week. My mom, who is still trying to get over my dad passing decided not to visit for Christmas. So I went to see her by myself without my family. I wanted to talk with her about me and let her know what was going on since I was unable to over Thanksgiving. Well I told her that I was Transgendered. We talked about how when I was younger she put me in therapy due to dressing. For me it was all crystal clear but I had to rehash through all of that with her because she had forgotten. She felt so bad for me and hugged me. She had no idea about the turmoil that was inside of me s just since I was young but said that she would support me whatever I decide to do. I told her that there was a real possiblity that I would transition and that though my wife supported me she would not stay with me. I sm just thankful she does. This Christmas has been interesting for me. I went into it with an open mind hoping that I could come out of it with a clear decision or sense of direction. Though I felt less like I needed to transition it is becoming clear to me that something needed to be done and that part way would not cut it. Anyways, I hope that everyone had a good holiday and are happy and healthy. I know I am better off and feeling better. Lisa Lisa

So, this has been an interesting week. I am taking off of work from 12/20 - 1/5, and planned on using the holidays to take a step back, focus on me and what is going on and gain more insight. During the week I had more of an internal struggle with myself. It was like my male side struggling with my female side. There were times that I felt guilty of who I was (which has not happened in awhile), guilty of what I am putting others through particularly my wife. Thinking about care. I had to set my FSA contribution limits. I ended up maxing it out. Yet I feel guilty for the financial cost of therapy and the potential cost of hormones, electrolysis, etc. and it's potential impact to my family, like I'm stealing from them or something. I need to get past this. I also need to resolve this. First it starts with me getting opportunities to express myself to feel comfortable. That's the other thing. I go from feeling like my skin is crawling because I am not who I should be to wanting to fight this ... and live with the status quo. The thing that is so strange and I told my therapist this is, when I was young, being a guy was an act. But over time I have socialized as a guy (not a girl) and have gotten good at it. So good, I am confident in my role, when many years before I was not. Part of this is leading people and companies (which I would continue to do as a woman, that wouldn't change!) but also in fathering my children. I will always be a father and I am so proud of that, that I will never turn my back as a role as their father. So, I need to figure out what that means to me and to them. My role as a husband has been lacking some, but it has more to do with our lives, how both my wife and I have let life and children be at a higher priority than our relationship. A big issue is me potentially transitioning and her seeing me not as a husband or spouse anymore and going through the motions. Anyways, I've seen this as a need or gap for years, but have taken a more passive approach to dealing with the needs of my wife. I need to take more of an active role in making our relationship better and cherish her for the person who she is and who I married. Even if she does not want to stay with me. And that's the other thing. I could decide not to transition at all, yet because of her view of me, may not want to stay anyways. There are so many unknowns and no guarantees in life unfortunately. I've also been thinking about my role as a woman. Even if I do not transition, there will always be a woman inside of me. Beyond the things on the surface that one identifies as being female, such as face, voice and how one carries themselves, I've been mostly focused on who I want to be. For example, I've noticed in a lot of women (not all), due to inflection of their voice, they sound as if they are asking a question instead of making a statement or a demand. For some reason, particularly in the business environment, it can be cute but annoying particularly when you want the other person to be clear and assertive. That is going to be hard for me. I think part of the time, I will have no problem in adapting to this if I transition to female. But there are other times, I know I will be a b-i-t-c-h that does not conform to that model. So, I'm learning about that and I'm sure that I will learn more as I go along. Also, I've always been a planner. One thing that I've learned is that you never go into something without knowing at least 80% of what will happen or the outcomes. And also an exit strategy and contingency planning. So that is what I will start doing now. Understanding the practical steps to a transition, focusing on what I would absolutely have to do. Then focus on the nice to have stuff. If I do that it will help me make this more concrete and help me understand what I need to do if I take that step. I'm just thankful for the support and patience of friends and family that know. If I had all of the answers this would be easy. Thank all of you for your love and support. Love, Lisa

Not really much going on with me. Over the two week period, I was extremely busy trying to get things ready for the holidays and finishing things up at work. I am very much on the fence about transitioning. The break is going to give me time to really think about it and pray about it. I've been thinking and dealing with this for a long time. It will not go away. What I fear is that if I don't transition or at least structure my life so that there are significant periods of time that I can express myself I will be miserable. BTW - if I live full-time, I have no intention of having bottom surgery (yet). It's more about expressing myself on a daily basis and validating and affirming who I am and being comfortable doing so. Anyways, it's tough. I sometimes feel like a caged animal. My therapist suggested ativan, but I told her that I need to feel like this. I can't keep putting bandaids on things anymore. Anyways, we'll see what happens. I have an appointment scheduled on the 9th of January and also planning on going to support group. I am also planning on going out on December 27th. Love to all and a happy holiday, --Lisa

There were a few things that stood out to me this week. First, on Tuesday around 5:30pm I descended into a anxious panic attack. It was after finding out that I would not be able to go to my support group. It made me question why I was alive. It was fleeting for just a few minutes, but impactful. I told my therapist and she was concerned. She thought that I may need medication, however I told her that I need to "feel" this. In the past, I've always tried to minimize my feelings about being transgendered or being in the wrong body. This has helped me avoid the problem and allowed me to create barriers to expressing myself. I did end up going to a 2nd Friday support group. It went well. I felt like I got more out of therapy and the support group the second time that I went. It was less about being the first time to working on stuff. I did go out between my therapy appointment and my support group. I was able to grab something to eat dressed. These days, I feel like I should be female more and more. And it is starting to feel like it is a matter of time for me. That in a few months I will start to transition in stealth and transition full-time in one to two years. Time will tell. However, I constantly feel weird not presenting female more and more. -Lisa

This was an interesting week. Feelings of being female kind of just came and went as the tides do. Anyways, this week was tough. I work in DC and take the metro every day and see some nicely dressed women going to work each day. And once a week, I will see at least one person who is trans* going to work, who dresses appropriately and looks really nice (seeing them makes me really proud to be trans and I am proud of them as well - btw!). I had a follow up app't with my therapist today that she had to reschedule. That is fine. I am not in as much of a crisis anymore, more of in a daze lately, just "dealing with being male" and thinking about being female. It is rescheduled for 12/12 at 2 pm. I may go out with friends after and perhaps to a support group. This week, I am headed out on Saturday to the Holiday Inn at 7pm. It should be fun. I don't know what to wear (it will probably be a dress), but it does not matter, I am just glad that I am going out. I have been overweight over the past year, but at least my weight has been stable. I do need to lose weight though, because I feel uncomfortable particularly in tight clothes or when I do endurance sports. Nothing like riding a bike up a 12% climb and wishing I was 150 - 160 lbs again. Anyways ... I hope that everyone has had a good week. Keep your chin up and be proud of who you are, whoever that may be! I love you all and thank you for reading! Love, Lisa

11/29/2014 I'm starting to wonder if I am not Trans Female rather bi-gendered. There are some mornings and I feel perfectly content getting up and being male. Other mornings, not so much. In general, I feel like I should have been born a girl, however, it is such a pain in the butt getting ready and presenting female. So, I don't know if my distain for getting ready is behind this or if I genuinely like being male some days, which would make me bi-gendered (though when I was 4 years old that was not the case). Anyways, this is all so confusing. Honestly, if I could comfortably live as a woman full-time, but occaisionally present as male or just dress in male clothes that might be a good stead-state for me. I don't know. We'll see. It is hard to know or to tell. I don't get as nervous about being a girl like I used to, however in a lot of ways I am just getting started. I will need to learn so many things and adapt in ways that I will not be comfortable with initially. If anything, I just need to remember to be myself. Once I stop doing that I will be right back where I started, in crisis-mode again.

When I say I feel like a girl, I don't always feel that I am female or that I am going to go crazy if I am not female. When I feel like a girl, it is a feeling I have that if I were transitioned fully, I would be content. And that deep down I feel female or the need to be female. I know that it is different for everyone at different points in time. For example, when I was much younger I definitely felt like there was something wrong all of the time. It is not like that as much, though lately I've been in crisis-mode most of the time.