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Honestly, dysphoria sucks so much. Its just like you have this shadow following you and constantly saying. "You're never going to pass as a female/male!" "You have a pair of boobs and a vagina/penis, so you can't be the other gender!"      All those awful things. I look at myself in the mirror and it just. . . It sucks. I can barely even look at my body when I'm in the shower. I can't bind, and I can't pack because there's no way my mom or dad would allow me to. And I hate going to stores and ha
I was reading another blog post that lead to another off-site post and just had this epiphany that be it wrong or right to think this way but I don't consider myself transgender for a long time now but never actually came to terms in writing before. I go through my daily life as any other female would. Heck today I spent an unGodly amount of money on makeup today, 64 dollars. When I got to the counter I must of had  a face that begged to ask me "is your day going okay?: I said up to now, jeez, n
As I walked home today, I was behind a person who ran into someone he knows and said - quite loud - "men trying to become women, that [bleep] burns me up."  He was ahead of me, so I don't know if it was directed at me (he may have turned and noticed). Anyway, I didn't confront him (I don't make a habit of confronting random idiots on the street, seems like a wise course), but my thought was "well that's not right, i'm not a man trying to become a woman, i'm a woman no longer trying to be a man."
I had a chat today, with my manager, and we're drawing up a plan of who to tell, how to tell them and when to tell them. It's scarily daunting. It's not only the people I work with, such as my immediate team; it's the people I interact with or the people I see every day. Such as the woman in the restaurant who makes my hazelnut latte each morning, or the guy who delivers parcels to our desks, or the security guards at reception, or the cleaners. Those people don't know me but they see me and the
  • JayM
I've been away for a while, my trans feelings kind of minimized, as if maybe I'd gotten over it. After all, maybe it was more about hiding, lying, and finally, now that the lying and hiding and shame are mostly over, and my wife and I started deeply loving each other again, the storm had passed. Or maybe it was like Judy my gender therapist said, the TG Train has many stations along its journey, and maybe I only needed a ticket to the first or second station? But lately as the weather has gotten
  • Emma
I am thankful for many things today. Heading off to a friend's home to spend Thanksgiving. Not looking to the driving but love this family as the entire family has been super supportive of me. The children range between 16 and 25, when I told them they said we support and never talk about me as a male, the female says I have great fashion sense and we even talk about girl stuff. The mother flew down to California to be with me the day of surgery and two days afterwards. She was also there for me
So, I have been told quite a few times to put myself in my parents shoes. And I have been. I am trying my best to view things from their..eh, what word could I use? Perspective? I'm not quite sure, I'm not good with words. But anyways.  I can understand that something like this is hard for them, considering that they were born in a completely different time. So I know I have to be easy with them, but at times it can be hard because my parents want everything to be their way. If things don't go t
Several weeks ago I attended a week long summit at Microsoft for MVP recipients of just under 3,000 people and out of the 3,000 less than five percent were female. The woman on the far right is a Microsoft employee that has a section on what is called Channel 9 (part of Microsoft) that is devoted to to females as developers and innovators in the field. We met in passing at the beginning of the week then the next day she asked me to participate in a interview. She actually got the majority of fem
Hi all, Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I'm not sure, since I haven't written lately, if I mentioned writing to my brother a few weeks ago about my transition (we don't speak often, so calling about it felt weird).  Anyway, he's not the most progressive thinking person, so I didn't know how he's react - and it had been a couple of weeks, so... He called me tonight.  He admitted to not understanding it (but heck, I don't either), but he said he's not going to judge and he is supportive He had some
Hello, as said in the description, I am Jackson but Jack is just fine. I am 14 years of age and I am what others would call a "FTM Transgender", or simply "Female To Male Transgender".      This blog will mainly contain posts of my journey as a transgender youth living with an unsupportive mother and father. It is hard, but I have to stay strong and keep moving forward in order to get somewhere. I will also give as best of advice as I can to transgenders who haven't yet come out to family or any
I was awake before 3 am, having had one of the most disturbing dreams I've had for some time. I didn't get back to sleep; instead I got up and browsed the internet then I read for a while. And now I'm back on the internet. Yesterday was a good day for some reasons and a bad day for other reasons. Good: I got another appointment with the doctor for the end of this week. I got assigned a specialist trans* case worker by our HR department. I bought a train ticket and reserved a room in a posh hotel
  • JayM
I nearly commited suicide today.  I was so triggered by the thought of asking for help from my family.  I feel my long road of resilience and survival has been wasted if I'm expected to care about this man who has consistently tortured me for my 43 years, all the while putting me in the worst possible place. I felt humiliated, demeaned, hurt, abused, and subject to harsh misogyny.  No matter how much I protest, assert myself, give myself pats on the back, try to boost my self-esteem as a trans w
TW: Discussion of abuse, including childhood sex abuse and incest. Early in my childhood, I learned a lot about  emotional and verbal abuse from my parents.  Later my Dad tried to excuse both he and my Mom by dismissing their behaviour to my younger brother and me as “practice parenting” That meant that the “successful” parenting was saved for my sister and youngest brother.  I always felt this was very selfish and ignorant on their part. To this day, I wish my Dad would take back this smug dism
I can't believe it's been so long since I last wrote something here. In fact, it's been weeks since I even visited this site. I seem to have got caught up in so much stuff that I've been too busy to spend time on the internet. I've missed it, though. Yesterday was TDOR and I was surprised that our company LGBT network didn't even mention it. They always make a big thing out of IDAHOT and Coming Out Day and the various Pride celebrations around the country and other days that stand out as somethi
  • JayM
Today, Friday, 20th. November, 2015, is the Annual; International; Transgender Day Of Remembrance - ( TDOR ) .  Let's Wear Something Purple, in Support Of The Rainbow Flag.  If We Can't make it to A Comemorative Event, then We Can still show Our Support, for those Less Fortunate, than Ourselves, Who have lost Their Lives, at the Hands of Other's, or Have Taken Their Own Lives. Here in the UK, We should remember the Transgender Lady, Who had been put into an All-Male Prison, at Leeds, in West Yor
TW: discussion, though not explicit, of sex work; descriptions of transphobia. The possibility of becoming a sex worker has never strayed too far from my life.  If I’m approved for affirmation surgery soon and I have the procedure before I’m about 50 (I’m 43 now), I would strongly consider sex work to supplement my income. I’ve been a sex worker before, though at the time I never would have called it sex work, for the same reason I never would have considered coming out as transgender: it was th
This is an email I tossed off to my sister, a researcher for a consulting firm in Alberta.  Her background is in biology, for which she has a PhD from the University of Alberta.  I'm copy-pasting the text here. I never got a reply, but this seems to be all the things I said in a phone conversation with her where she agreed with me, so preaching to the choir and all that. She is also very supportive and has helped me frame and word my trans identity for other purposes. See what you make of it. "R
I remotely remember writing this and that it might take a while for them to decide to publish it but today I received an email indicating they had published it. Personally the reason was not to shed light on me but to show others what is possible else I just assume be private about this. http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/projects/storywall/transgender-today/stories/karen-payne  

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