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More of my Flowing thoughts

A blog by ScottishDeeDee in General

  • Entries

    59

  • Comments

    262

  • Views

    52,702

About this blog

So I tend to blog on Wordpress on a Monday, if you want to kind of catch up with my brain from the start than that is the place to go: (https://wordpress.com/pages/ironicissues.wordpress.com)

For those who just do not have the time!

I am Dee, I live in a very rural part of Scotland, I started questioning my gender after going to a Halloween D&D party last year as a female character and realising at the end of the night that I did not want to take the costume off! Cue lots of searching and questioning and eventually I understood that I do not fit with the description of cis-gender. I do not emotionally or socially identify with the gender I was assigned at birth, so I concluded that I must be Trans - although I am still asking questions as I try and decide what to do with the information!

Entries in this blog

Am I really that fickle?

I have been feeling very down recently.  I know that the main reason is my daughter moving away with her mum but it means that I have been feeling letheragic and flat and have not done any self care whatsoever. This morning I woke up choked with a cold and decided while listening to the rain that I was not going to push myself and do my Saturday morning 5k, instead I got up and effectively have been pampering myself. I put on some cheesy tunes from spotify and shaved my legs and arms, my ch

Feeling a bit of a fraud

I have just spent the last hour trying to convince my son that he has to give my ex wife's new partner a chance. In his own words he does not like the change (there were a few clashes while he was on holiday with them during the Easter break) and so he has decided that he does not get on with her new man. I literally had to say, "she has moved on and so have I"... then very quietly muttered "sort of" under my breath.   I am (I think) okay with being single again - still waiting for the

Stopped by the Fashion Police

When I was 15 or so my friend and I discovered the self printing business card machine in the local shopping centre. We were always on the lookout for a cheap way to spend the most time when we were out so we promptly hatched a plan that seemed hilarious to us at the time. We printed out 250 business cards that said (something along the lines of)   "Stop. We are the fashion police. You are under arrest for crimes against fashion." And for the afternoon we became the fash

My First Pride

I am still a little bit unsure how I process today.  A slow relaxed morning meant that I missed the parade but Today I did my makeup and then got help from my niece to do my eyebrows and eyeliner - pro tip: she used some eye shadow rather than eye liner or an eyebrow pencil, it gave the same effect but did not look so harsh when on and came off so much easier just now! Then my sister helped me glue my nails on - they were both jealous of my nails, but they matched my hair perfectly - they were j

Restless before the rain came

This is attempt number 2 - I have literally taken most of it from my other post and tried to remember what I had written differently! I have had this weekend pretty much to myself, normally I spend most evenings wishing I had the time to be me, but whether it is because I have been out a lot or just not had the time I do not know. Today though was different, I went to work this morning but as soon as I arrived back home I changed into some leggings and a jumper and did some hopefully s

Not sure what to feel

I have just been told by my ex partner that she got engaged to her new man last night and my brain is struggling to absorb the information. I was looking after the 3 dogs this weekend with the children to allow her to travel down and hand our divorce papers in and then go for a hospital appointment today that had implications for a possible op so I was trying to help alleviate stress. I knew she would probably meet up with her man but that was not really a big deal, but promising to marry him ki

Feeling flat

All my get up and go has got up and gone...  (borrowed from a mug I saw once) so true of me right now.  Earlier I waved my kids off for 3 weeks holidays with their mum, and when they come back I have them for 3. It should be a chance to be productive and maybe even work in some Dee time but I just can't. I have been sat in my empty house all day watching Stranger Things and eating my body weight in hummous, tomatoes, olives and crackers because I finished all the sweet things in the ho
Counselling

Over the moon!

I have just finished my 3rd video meeting with the psychologist in Sandyford clinic. This is the part that most smaller Gender Identity Clinics in Scotlaand have no say over and there have been 3 months between each apppointment.  I have dressed as myself the entire time, but oh how times have changed!  The first meeting I remember having a chair against the door in case my son got back from school while I was on the call, this time he is off school isolating and sitting watching TV an

Reaction to laser

How do you even start to present female when your face is this rough all the time? Without being able to shave I am constantly being reminded of my facial hair as it catches on all my work shirts.  I expected the sunburn feeling but my face looks hideous at the moment and I hate it. After 4 days the dark hairs are still pushing their way out so my stubble is really rough, looks really obvious all the time even after I attempted to shave because I had to go and see someone, you would ne

...and now you can relax...

* Just a quick content warning that this post is a candid one about a recent personal funeral experience*   Today is a quiet day, I have spent the last hour just sitting and watching some of my favourite female comedians on "Live at the Apollo" as youtube has suggested and auto played one after the other. I did not start out doing that but it was good to laugh.   In my work I have to walk a line of professionalism and caring, one you learn how to do and the other you either d

Taking a deep breath

Yesterday was a long day, my ex mother inlaw came up for an overnight stay. My son has been stressed all week, they are now in what we call the tattie holidays in Scotland (because schools used to give children 2 weeks holiday to go and harvest potatoes (tatties)) so he will be away all week. His stress is because my ex is getting married this coming weekend, and he will be at her wedding and not with me - because it is also my birthday weekend. Next week I will get to have both kids though
Counselling

Just a little vanity :)

Honestly, I just want to commemorate feeling great about myself today lol. As I finished writing up my wordpress blog today I had such a feeling of happiness and well being that even changing back to my black and grey boys clothes and dealing with more school drama, and the cancellation of my online D&D game tonight hasn't quite managed to quash. I look at that picture of me in my kitchen, smiling because of how ridiculous it feels to be balancing a phone on a draw in order to try

Am I your type?

I do not mean it in that way before anyone panics. I just like the play on words...     I was just reading a blog by someone who identified themselves as an INFJ woman - a lot of what she wrote made sense, and the 3 times I have done Meyers Briggs I have always been INFP.  Sometimes I drift a little but it comes as no surprise, given the emotional turmoil I have gone through in the last 6 months I thought I would give it a go and see where I classify - I took maybe 3 minutes to answer

Fed up being frustrated

My ex wife was on the phone today as we sorted out the childcare for the upcoming Easter holidays and swapped updates with how the children are getting on at school (currently my son lives with me and my daughter lives with her during the week and we alternate weekends with both - it will change to just 50% during holidays soon as my ex is almost certainly going to be moving out of the area and my daughter will want to go with her mum - our kids are about as happy as they can be in the circumsta
Mood

The way its aye been

This may not be as much of a big deal for anyone outside of the UK but I needed to work out my thoughts and I think the world is predominantly Patriarchal.   In the UK since International Womens day and the horrific news story of Sarah Everard being murdered (and subsequently a police officer being arrested for it) my news feeds have been absolutely filled with women talking out about the systemic violence and abuse that they suffer at the hands of men, some talked about curfews for me

Ups and Downs

I am having a down type of week, I am really missing my daughter. Since she moved away to stay with her mum (her choice) my son is enjoying the structure and ability to do what he wants but every so often he says he is sad that his sister is not here with us and I have to agree. It's been 3 days since I have heard from her but I do not want to constantly message her or she will not settle into her new routine. This has absolutely been the hardest part of the divorce. I have slowly put on al

Rediscovering a musical love

This is one of those quirky hard to define groups I discovered a few years ago and absolutely loved, I bought both albums and listened to them constantly on repeat for ages. Due to spending a lot more time online recently I spotted them again on YT this week and got a lovely surprise! They are still unique and Bunny looks incredible! It seems that a few musical bands that I have loved over the years have ended up having a trans member, or have been outspoken trans allies, I wonder if t

Is the dust settling?

It is interesting to me that after months of being unable to dress in feminine clothing or paint my nails or blogging, even really spending much time online I still haven't gone away from seeing myself as female. A small part of me wondered if I was just desperately trying to fit in and keep myself busy. Being DeeDee here gives me an excuse to trawl through the online shops looking for clothes and shoes and imagining going out in them. Literally this week I have been giving myself pep
Mood

Don't judge!

Honestly, I spend most of my life telling other people not to judge others; both professionally and personally, and yet I was caught out doing it this weekend. I have 4 sisters, 2 older and 2 younger, the older sisters I see regularly and have kept up to date about my questioning and gender counselling and they have been very supportive even though they have never seen me as particularly feminine. My younger sisters accepted the news when I told them, but I always thought the youngest

The List

On Tilly's recent blog after some encouragement from Monica, Emma very kindly shared a list of things that she had shared with her therapist while wrestling with her identity. It had been split into different age stages but included some if not all of the "pointers" and memories that hinted at her true gender. Christy had also said she had found the exercise of creating a list beneficial to her.  So last night I sat up and decided to see if I could compile my own "List".  I w

Feeling Different

Well this morning has been an interesting one, I've been realising that a few of my feelings have shifted... Since the end of last October I have been using female deodorant exclusively, I prefer the smell and found that the "sure" brand were neutral enough for everyday use without being overtly feminine. I ran out this week and hadn't bought more as the kids have been with me when I have gone shopping, so used my male deodorant for the first time in months this morning and realised that I do no

Laughing at myself

I shaved properly (with a razor instead of my electric shaver) for the first time since my laser this morning and because I knew I would have the house to myself i put on my prettiest black dress and a pair of heels I bought ages ago but will never wear out because the heels are far too impractical... I wanted to see if it made me feel girly as I feel like Dee has been very quiet recently, not gone just not as loud or as certain as she has been. After teetering around making myself a late breakf

Nervous Energy!

On Friday, as soon as my son leaves for school I can pack my car, make the 2.5 hr drive to my sisters, and then the next 2-3 hr drive down to my nieces. If I can then I intend to be Dee when I get in the car, or if not then pretty much from the moment we arrive at my nieces I will unpack and change.   This was suggested ages ago when my niece first found out I was questioning my gender. She did not really understand it, but she very much wanted to show her support. We have always

Fathers Day

Tomorrow will be fathers day. Given the mess of my marriage it is safe to say that my experiences of fathers day have been sporadic at best, the odd wee card or slice of toast brought to the bedroom. Always an after thought or last minute purchase. Once or twice a decent bottle of whisky, but overall meh - usually we had to go and share with my exes dad, until he fell out of favour. This year we swapped the weekends around so that the kids could be  with me for Fathers day - it meant my ex could

Splitting Hairs

On Tuesday and Wednesday I shaved my legs (30 minutes and 2 razors for each leg! ), on Thursday I used depilatory cream on my chest and under arms (I like the ease but it never takes it all away roughly 10 mins including the rinse to make sure the cream is all off afterwards) and today I shaved my arms (30 mins for both). 😮😫   After being hairy again for so long - I cannot remember the last time I de-fuzzed entirely but it is almost like a literal weight has been lifted. I feel so much

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