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More of my Flowing thoughts

A blog by ScottishDeeDee in General

  • Entries

    59

  • Comments

    262

  • Views

    51,664

About this blog

So I tend to blog on Wordpress on a Monday, if you want to kind of catch up with my brain from the start than that is the place to go: (https://wordpress.com/pages/ironicissues.wordpress.com)

For those who just do not have the time!

I am Dee, I live in a very rural part of Scotland, I started questioning my gender after going to a Halloween D&D party last year as a female character and realising at the end of the night that I did not want to take the costume off! Cue lots of searching and questioning and eventually I understood that I do not fit with the description of cis-gender. I do not emotionally or socially identify with the gender I was assigned at birth, so I concluded that I must be Trans - although I am still asking questions as I try and decide what to do with the information!

Entries in this blog

Rediscovering a musical love

This is one of those quirky hard to define groups I discovered a few years ago and absolutely loved, I bought both albums and listened to them constantly on repeat for ages. Due to spending a lot more time online recently I spotted them again on YT this week and got a lovely surprise! They are still unique and Bunny looks incredible! It seems that a few musical bands that I have loved over the years have ended up having a trans member, or have been outspoken trans allies, I wonder if t

Turning a corner or becoming resigned?

I have finally had a really good chance to catch up with my sister without little ears being around to lug in on the conversation. I updated her on my clinic appointment, how annoyed I was when I came out that the only thing that is happening is more counselling. Her advice was that I am subconsciously just not pushing because I have not committed to transitioning yet, that because of everything we have dealt with as a family until I can get this big worry about being as mentally unstable a

Who moved the goals?

I was just offered some good advice on my main blog and want to stick it somewhere to digest and process it.  Well, it's not really advice, more of a suggestion. I know that I fit the definition of being transgender. Any which way you look at it I am not comfortable in this body of mine.  My main blog is somewhere I update every week - it may not always have the most riveting of content but that is because it is mostly writing for myself. It is where I mull over my week and try to put

A very Happy New Years

In Scotland I think Hogmanay is a bigger celebration than Christmas.  There are ceilidh dances, street parties and house parties up and down the nation and the government encourages it because the ridiculous amount of alcohol that gets consumed is backed up by the fact that both the 1st and 2nd of January are considered public holidays. It has been quite a few years since I have gone out on New Years, this year there were some tentative plans made with friends, but they fell by the wayside

Struggling to sleep

I have just had a wonderful Christmas week with both of my children, yesterday I had to take them down the road so they could go or a week with my ex and have a 2nd Christmas, our agreement was to alternate the holidays and she had Christmas last year. I am awake again after less than 4 hrs sleep due to a nightmare in which male me was out walking with my mum and we discouraged two kids out playing on their own from going into an abandoned property with broken windows, in my dream the owner

Splitting Hairs

On Tuesday and Wednesday I shaved my legs (30 minutes and 2 razors for each leg! ), on Thursday I used depilatory cream on my chest and under arms (I like the ease but it never takes it all away roughly 10 mins including the rinse to make sure the cream is all off afterwards) and today I shaved my arms (30 mins for both). 😮😫   After being hairy again for so long - I cannot remember the last time I de-fuzzed entirely but it is almost like a literal weight has been lifted. I feel so much

Truisms

I have been feeling very much ill over the last few days, but this evening I saw a a post online that gave me some food for thought, because it very much speaks to my struggle over the last year:  

Feeling my feelings while walking the line

I was chatting online recently with someone  about kilts and what makes one menswear and the other ladieswear, I sent an edited picture of me in a kilt when I was best man at someones wedding a few years ago and he made the comment:  "If I didn't know about Dee, I would have assumed confident, rugged dude in a kilt, not realizing the dude would prefer to wear a cute plaid skirt and heels. " There is a lot of truth in this and a part of what made me say that I must be trans as well as w

Inner Voice

I have been going out and walking/jogging to a couch to 5km app, when I first started in May I had done half a dozen park runs where again I had mostly walked, my motivation was to get out and do something because most of the time I do not want to go out or do anything, I was also putting all the weight back on that I had lost before Christmas last year.  I have some really nice second hand clothes and if I am going to have to come out in front of my friends and family at some point then I want

New Glasses

I had my eyes tested earlier this week, in the UK the recommendation is that you have a check up every 2 years and I was due because I have been having an internal debate about getting more feminine glasses for myself. The ones I have been wearing the last 2 years are classed as unisex, and in the shops these can be expensive to buy.  I went back to a site I used in my student days and they still exist - budget friendly mail glasses where you put in your prescription and they send them out in th

Feeling good!

Today I was up and dressed as Dee in just under an hour, it is the first time in over a month that I have done my face and makeup and while I am out of practice I feel wonderful, last night I painted my toenails pink and then glossed my fingernails so they look kind of like a french manicure, but while these things have definitely made me feel happy I just feel different. Today is the first day in almost a year that I have not felt totally conflicted about my gender, this morning I actually feel

Ups and Downs

I am having a down type of week, I am really missing my daughter. Since she moved away to stay with her mum (her choice) my son is enjoying the structure and ability to do what he wants but every so often he says he is sad that his sister is not here with us and I have to agree. It's been 3 days since I have heard from her but I do not want to constantly message her or she will not settle into her new routine. This has absolutely been the hardest part of the divorce. I have slowly put on al

Am I really that fickle?

I have been feeling very down recently.  I know that the main reason is my daughter moving away with her mum but it means that I have been feeling letheragic and flat and have not done any self care whatsoever. This morning I woke up choked with a cold and decided while listening to the rain that I was not going to push myself and do my Saturday morning 5k, instead I got up and effectively have been pampering myself. I put on some cheesy tunes from spotify and shaved my legs and arms, my ch

Feeling flat

All my get up and go has got up and gone...  (borrowed from a mug I saw once) so true of me right now.  Earlier I waved my kids off for 3 weeks holidays with their mum, and when they come back I have them for 3. It should be a chance to be productive and maybe even work in some Dee time but I just can't. I have been sat in my empty house all day watching Stranger Things and eating my body weight in hummous, tomatoes, olives and crackers because I finished all the sweet things in the ho

Fathers Day

Tomorrow will be fathers day. Given the mess of my marriage it is safe to say that my experiences of fathers day have been sporadic at best, the odd wee card or slice of toast brought to the bedroom. Always an after thought or last minute purchase. Once or twice a decent bottle of whisky, but overall meh - usually we had to go and share with my exes dad, until he fell out of favour. This year we swapped the weekends around so that the kids could be  with me for Fathers day - it meant my ex could

My First Pride

I am still a little bit unsure how I process today.  A slow relaxed morning meant that I missed the parade but Today I did my makeup and then got help from my niece to do my eyebrows and eyeliner - pro tip: she used some eye shadow rather than eye liner or an eyebrow pencil, it gave the same effect but did not look so harsh when on and came off so much easier just now! Then my sister helped me glue my nails on - they were both jealous of my nails, but they matched my hair perfectly - they were j

Dee in the City pt 1

I left my house this morning wearing my ladies jeans and a ladies tee that when combined with my male boots, baseball cap and baggy jacket looked like I was just wearing skinny jeans, at most slightly androgynous. I drove down to meet my sister, stopped for an iced coffee and to buy a toothbrush and a razor, because even though I have packed my biggest suitcase with enough clothes to go on holiday for a fortnight I forgot them. My sister and I put the world to rights as we drove down to my

Nervous Energy!

On Friday, as soon as my son leaves for school I can pack my car, make the 2.5 hr drive to my sisters, and then the next 2-3 hr drive down to my nieces. If I can then I intend to be Dee when I get in the car, or if not then pretty much from the moment we arrive at my nieces I will unpack and change.   This was suggested ages ago when my niece first found out I was questioning my gender. She did not really understand it, but she very much wanted to show her support. We have always

...and now you can relax...

* Just a quick content warning that this post is a candid one about a recent personal funeral experience*   Today is a quiet day, I have spent the last hour just sitting and watching some of my favourite female comedians on "Live at the Apollo" as youtube has suggested and auto played one after the other. I did not start out doing that but it was good to laugh.   In my work I have to walk a line of professionalism and caring, one you learn how to do and the other you either d

A melancholy moment

Just had a really bizarre moment.   I agreed to sign up to an endurance race with my nephews and sister next March - it is a 10 mile race, at night - up and down the Scottish hills - quite mad and quite fun. As a part of the entry I had to fill in the usual ID form and for the first time in my life I genuinely hesitated at the male or female question.  I have been happily filling in forms for most of my life without any qualms whatsoever. It actually made me tear up a little

Feeling a bit of a fraud

I have just spent the last hour trying to convince my son that he has to give my ex wife's new partner a chance. In his own words he does not like the change (there were a few clashes while he was on holiday with them during the Easter break) and so he has decided that he does not get on with her new man. I literally had to say, "she has moved on and so have I"... then very quietly muttered "sort of" under my breath.   I am (I think) okay with being single again - still waiting for the

Of all the things...

I was coming home this evening and listening to the local radio station, taking advantage of being in an area with actual radio coverage is nice, it was a traditional Scottish tunes show they were playing a Military two step, and it hit me.  If I am going to be Dee I am going to have to learn how to dance again! Scottish country dancing is done in village halls across the highlands at every wedding and major event - especially New Years and is something you learn to do at school- but I have

Coming out to my baby sisters

This week I have finally started to become emotionally okay with being Transgender.  Intellectually I knew it months ago, but internally I have been fighting it whether I meant to or not. Being transgender was great for other people, but just a headache and not okay for me. It messes up too may areas in my life.Thanks to the support and encouragement from many of the people I have met online I am starting to look at it differently and without quite so much of the panic and feelings of being suck

Fed up being frustrated

My ex wife was on the phone today as we sorted out the childcare for the upcoming Easter holidays and swapped updates with how the children are getting on at school (currently my son lives with me and my daughter lives with her during the week and we alternate weekends with both - it will change to just 50% during holidays soon as my ex is almost certainly going to be moving out of the area and my daughter will want to go with her mum - our kids are about as happy as they can be in the circumsta

Laughing at myself

I shaved properly (with a razor instead of my electric shaver) for the first time since my laser this morning and because I knew I would have the house to myself i put on my prettiest black dress and a pair of heels I bought ages ago but will never wear out because the heels are far too impractical... I wanted to see if it made me feel girly as I feel like Dee has been very quiet recently, not gone just not as loud or as certain as she has been. After teetering around making myself a late breakf

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