Emma,

That's very thoughtful and detailed! I can't imagine what it's like being in a relationship going through this, it's quite difficult enough being single. I guess I have the flip-side issue, not knowing what kind of relationship I'll end up wanting, or knowing if I'll ever know for sure (I thought of that when you wrote I can imagine myself on this treadmill of trying to achieve one more step toward being female but never achieving the unknowable).

I hope it goes well tomorrow!

xoxo

Christie

Christie, thank you very much for your kind words. No matter what, I think we are all afraid of being alone. But at any age being transgender and learning what you individually want to do about it is darned hard. Thank goodness we have TG Guide to hang out in!

Hey Veronica, back atcha girlfriend. To me the concept of passing is so weird. When I'm home, maybe just wearing a dress and doing the dishes (or writing here), all I know is that I feel good, I feel right. My hair is short, I have a 5 o'clock shadow, but what do I care? I only see myself when I walk past a mirror, and I try to avoid those... :-)

Thanks a lot for your best wishes. I'm looking forward to it!

Emma

Veronica,

You are 100% a lady RIGHT NOW. There are some cisgender women (like me!) who don't pass.

I know you are a lady by the way you write, and I know I am a lady.

Have to prove NOTHING to NO ONE.

Monica

"...these days I am always wearing a nightgown and panties to sleep in. It feels good, right, comfortable. It eases my dysphoria, makes me feel better. It’s not erotic at all."

Is it at all possible that somewhere in the back of "Marie's" mind, festers implanted misconceptions she's learned, picked up, heard, or been told in the past about crossdressers? And if so, if she was to learn and be able to allow reality to over-write all the bad she's heard, maybe she could be more supportive?

"On previous occasions she has expressed her dismay and disapproval. And there’s no doubt in my mind that I would appear pretty odd to her when dressed in anything feminine."

I've found that those who are in total support, and accept me as I am, have no issue with how I present myself. A good example would be my brother. He knows I wear a binder, he knows I pack, and he knows my packer doubles as a "stand-to-pee," but he treats me no different than he ever has.

My Mum, on the other hand, does not particularly care for the way I dress, she has issue with my hair, and I think she has wondered what's up with my chest. She's not really one to bite her tongue, so I'm not quite sure why she's not asked me what up, except that perhaps she doesn't want to hear what she doesn't wanna hear.

__________________________________________________

LOL... you worked that word 'redacted' in there. You go, girl!!

-Mikey

That's an interesting discussion point you raise. If I may chime in- I don't feel like a 'woman' either. I feel like me. I am a transgender woman. I don’t really think anyone actually feels like a ‘woman’, they just feel like them. In honesty, if I had the choice to be born female I don't know that I would: I actually quite like me the way that I am.

Weird, right?

It took a little while, but I'm a lot happier with my body and appearance now. I've not had surgery, but (lucky genetics?) I had quite soft facial features to start with.

Basically the only things I've done are hormones, eaten lots to put on weight and had electrolysis.

There is no gold standard. There's no minimum bar that you must be able to limbo under. I'm actually quite jealous of people who have had reassignment surgery... but not enough to really do it myself. I'd like larger breasts, but mine are presentable. It's about being comfortable being you, and being you takes time and exploration.

Sincerely I apologise for talking about 'me' when I'm trying to make a more general point, I'm just my only point of reference : (

It seems that partly we spend huge amounts of time in our own heads. It's totally understandable, we have a lot to think about and naturally we fret about what the people around us will think. The bizarre reality seems to be, at least in the UK, that nobody honestly gives a flying flip.

Genuinely.

I've had occasional looks, but in honesty not for months. The only difference is that I'm better practiced dressing for my style and more confident.

Nobody outside really gives a tinker's cuss one way or the other- they're wrapped up in their own heads, with their own problems. The same is true at work. I transitioned in my last job and everyone was nothing but supportive. Most people are pretty good natured.

Now the caveat to that is those close to us. That's the real kick in the teeth. The ones who should support us most are (in my opinion) the most likely to do the most damage. They're more invested in us, you see. They have put much more of themselves into 'us' as they believe us to be, so when we turn around and show them who we really were all along they can't see the butterfly, they just miss the caterpillar and may be resentful of all the personal energy they put into knowing it.

In order to be you, you need time and space.

No, not like that. I know you're thinking about Sci Fi.

You need the room to see how you want to evolve and you need the time to experiment with those evolutions. I went though a heavy goth phase as part of my transition, then dressing like a tramp, and now I'm just 'normal'. Those phases were very important, because it helped me learn what I liked, what I didn't like, what suited me, what made me happy.

When I started, I was desperate for surgery. I wanted it yesterday. If my soul had been he asking price then you wouldn't have seen it but for the blur as I handed it over.

Room and time. Now I'm not so fussed. I might actually prefer to use that money for a house deposit, or a car, or a monkey (and a hat for the monkey), or a beagle that I can name Smeagol.

There are only two constraints to room and time. One is us, and our concern about upsetting people, going beyond the pale etc. and the other is those close to us. They're smallest reactions make much greater ripples than the overreactions of acquaintances.

So, Emma. To be Emma you must know what it means to be Emma. To do that you need to try the stuff you want to try, and don't worry about protecting others by limiting yourself. You need to try, fail, learn and try some more. Maybe skirts won’t suit you, maybe they will. Maybe crossdressing in private will be enough, maybe it won’t. Maybe you will end up making it happen and doing the whole damned lot of facial surgery, reassignment surgery, breast augmentation, hormones, hair removal. Maybe your beloved will be sincerely happy that she now knows the real you. Maybe she’ll love you more. Maybe she won’t. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

Ultimately whatever you do, it’s likely be the same as what everyone else does. We muddle along. We don’t know the outcomes and can’t see the future: we just sort of burble through it and try for the best. See if you can find a muddle-y way to experiment with your identity (clothes and makeup are only a part of it but they do help, given our society’s deeply ingrained gender roles).

Muddling is all we can do. But trust me on the beagle, I will make that mofo happen.

Sorry for the patronising garbage. I drew a picture to make it better:

Oh goodness, such wonderful feedback. I'm afraid this is going to be a rather long post so grab a cup of tea or coffee, turn on some tunes, and fasten your seat belts, please!

"...these days I am always wearing a nightgown and panties to sleep in. It feels good, right, comfortable. It eases my dysphoria, makes me feel better. It’s not erotic at all."

Is it at all possible that somewhere in the back of "Marie's" mind, festers implanted misconceptions she's learned, picked up, heard, or been told in the past about crossdressers? And if so, if she was to learn and be able to allow reality to over-write all the bad she's heard, maybe she could be more supportive?

Yes, she definitely had, and has, some misconceptions about crossdressers in general as well as about me. Last night in the therapist's office I learned about some of her own demons that she's endured since childhood. She doesn't know exactly what ties them to me but at least we're talking about it.

In an ideal world, definitely, we'd just overwrite the bad sectors and move on! At our age it's hard to jettison those old preconceptions that we've lived with for so long. But it's definitely something to shoot for, and is what I need and want.

"On previous occasions she has expressed her dismay and disapproval. And there’s no doubt in my mind that I would appear pretty odd to her when dressed in anything feminine."

I've found that those who are in total support, and accept me as I am, have no issue with how I present myself. A good example would be my brother. He knows I wear a binder, he knows I pack, and he knows my packer doubles as a "stand-to-pee," but he treats me no different than he ever has.

Here again, Mike, that's exactly what I dream of. If I can be satisfied with dressing in private (or rarely, say, to support group meetings and the like) I am afraid that I must insist on being allowed and accepted to dress as I wish in the privacy of our home. That said, I don't want to simply be "tolerated." I don't know if that's a realistic goal but it's what I'm aiming for. She says that she has complete support of me so maybe as you have experienced with your brother I will find that my wife will also learn to accept me no matter what.

Kaylee: thanks so much for your comment too!

That's an interesting discussion point you raise. If I may chime in- I don't feel like a 'woman' either. I feel like me. I am a transgender woman. I don’t really think anyone actually feels like a ‘woman’, they just feel like them. In honesty, if I had the choice to be born female I don't know that I would: I actually quite like me the way that I am.

Yes, but... for me, I think if I had the choice I'd choose female. I agree that it's not a simple decision, but I'd like to have been able to have that option!

It took a little while, but I'm a lot happier with my body and appearance now. I've not had surgery, but (lucky genetics?) I had quite soft facial features to start with.

I love and envy your photo. You're beautiful, really pretty.

To be Emma you must know what it means to be Emma. To do that you need to try the stuff you want to try, and don't worry about protecting others by limiting yourself. You need to try, fail, learn and try some more. Maybe skirts won’t suit you, maybe they will. Maybe crossdressing in private will be enough, maybe it won’t. Maybe you will end up making it happen and doing the whole damned lot of facial surgery, reassignment surgery, breast augmentation, hormones, hair removal. Maybe your beloved will be sincerely happy that she now knows the real you. Maybe she’ll love you more. Maybe she won’t. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

Yeah, that's what I'm doing. I was talking privately with my therapist this morning and told him that a few months ago I was so daunted by the enormity of assembling a "complete" feminine persona, the clothes, accessories, make-up, wig, and on and on. I didn't do it. Instead, I've added a little bit at each support group meeting. I wore ballet flats and stockings to one meeting. At the last meeting I wore those along with a women's cotton top. And for the next meeting on May 7? I have a new skirt that I just received from Amazon. And I plan on adding a wig and breast forms. One small step for Emma, a giant leap too!

Update from the last couple of days

I'll try to be brief. It didn't work out as well as I'd hoped but I think we're still making positive progress:

• As mentioned above, we're learning more about some automatic concerns my wife has. This is so important to understand. Without this we will always have this gap between us, preventing her from achieving any "satisfactory" level of acceptance.
  
• Our therapist is teaching us a way of opening up those dark recesses in our minds that ensures that we each feel we've been heard and the other one has internalized what is going on. I think this is incredibly important to build trust and love. I'm planning on a new blog post on this pretty soon.
  
• I've decided to tell my wife that now's not the right time for me to return to our master bedroom. I know I will one day (probably within a month or two) but we have some more important ground to cover (such as those feelings I mentioned above).
  

It's a wild ride of an emotional roller coaster. I'm really blessed to have such a wonderful wife, fantastic therapist(s), and to be part of our community here. It's all coming together perfectly. Tomorrow we're heading to Napa to join another couple for wine tasting at a couple of wineries and dinner at someplace fun.

Take care everyone. I love you all,

Emma

Wow. Quite a long post and comments. Wonderful!

The core issue is acceptance and understanding. No logical argument can be applied to this. A person just needs to accept a person who is transgender and then seek understanding. That is where things become difficult. If you don't know who you are or where you are going and leave things open ended, a spouse will feel off-balance such that they do not know what to expect or know who you are as person. They will build walls because of lack of emotional trust. What has helped me, is that I always try to determine something concrete, what I know about myself that I can clearly communicate. And for all of the stuff that I don't know, that we will figure it out together.

One thing that I have been very clear about these last six months is the following: either I need to figure out ways to cope or I will have to transition.

Now, I consider myself, generally a very self-aware person. What I did not realize, but do now is that the anxiety which envelopes you when you can no longer cope is overwhelming. I just went through 3 weeks of hell. It is like getting thrown into the fire. I always thought that my decision to transition would come after careful evaluation and contemplation. It can happen that way, but ultimately the alternative happened in my case. At that point, you just give in. You have no choice.

For many of us here who are contemplating transition, just be aware that this can happen. And let your spouses or SO's know that as well. So, that they can face this with you, with their eyes wide open knowing the worst possible outcome. They need to know how serious this really is! I've been through the ringer my entire life, but I had no idea that I would essentially have high anxiety and high blood pressure for 3 weeks. It could have killed me. I almost blacked out driving my car, etc. Bad stuff.

Anyways, Emma be brave. I didn't mean to scare you and I hope I helped. It scared me, so I feel scared for everyone else.

Hi Lisa,

Thanks very much for your thoughts and advice. I am not contemplating transition at least right now.

A person just needs to accept a person who is transgender and then seek understanding. That is where things become difficult. If you don't know who you are or where you are. What has helped me, is that I always try to determine something concrete, what I know about myself that I can clearly communicate...

Trust me, I've really tried to figure out who and where I am. For like fifty years. I finally realized that I needed some space, time, and patience to explore. I can't do it all in my head.

Please understand too, that it's a two way street. I have my issues, she has hers. I need to give her patience and understanding too. In the end, I hope, we will meet in the middle somewhere, with a stronger bond than ever before.

Thanks again, Lisa, for your thoughtful comments. I hope all is going well with you.

Emma