I am not a social butterfly. I'm happier in smaller groups of people I really know and even just staying at home to watch a movie or play games. I was asked what kinds of socializing I'd like to actually do since I'd been mentioning going to a group setting of like minded people and I'd mentioned clubs or outings or something along those lines where I could go dressed in either mode and feel comfortable with and get to know others who are dealing with some of the things I am. I do a lot of my socializing online, for better or worse. That's how Bree and I met some of our long term friends who we get together with when we can. We used to do the cons every year and we try to get together at a friends once a year, all of us, and there's the occasional get together of a few of us here and there to spread that out a bit, but locally we just don't have that same tie. Sure there are a few people we talk with and occasionally get together, but my long term and close friends aren't close at all. There's part of the problem. I'm terrible at talking to people long distance. If it's family, friends, or otherwise, I'm a terrible person at keeping in touch with people long distance. That includes friends I'm really close with. I've never been very good at it. I was a terrible pen pal. You get the idea.

But what do I need or get out of socializing? Despite my tendency to want to do things at home and generally spend time with Bree on a regular basis without too many others around, I actually do enjoy hanging out with my close friends and especially our regular tabletop get-togethers every week. It was actually really devastating to me when I was forced to a shift that meant I couldn't play on Fridays with our son and Bree and was stuck with our smaller game on Sundays cause despite the weirdness of our sons friends, it is generally fun and a good time and a bonus on that is we don't have to leave the house cause we're hosting it.

So it's a bit of a group camaraderie that I get out of it that I enjoy even though I'm mostly anti-social. Not all people who like to dwell online or mostly at home like to do so alone.  I'm never really alone with Bree at home, but both of us like to meet with friends and hang out and keep in touch and just do fun things in general. Hell even when we team up in our online games together we don't often just two man it and end up with some kind of group eventually one way or another.  I guess it fulfills some kind of social need to meet up with like minded people and to share our lives with people we're close to.

Why can't I manage to maintain contact on my own? I'd say it's a combination of laziness and being anti-social generally but I don't know that's entirely accurate. When our friends or family do call most of the time I enjoy talking to them on the phone and rarely do I not want to talk with them. But that's usually them calling us or sending messages online. This isn't me reaching out, but them. I don't have a good answer why I don't reach out on my own unless I get prodded by someone or something. It could be apathy or laziness but I don't have a good answer for that and I wish I did. It's not tied to the depression that I'm aware of as I've always been this way.  It's something I need to work on more and figure out why I'm this way but I don't have a good answer right now, just that I'm aware I have this issue with all of my long distance relationships and even with people that live in the same town I don't see nearly every day.  

So, things I need to work on? Working out a thing with Bree where we meet up with our friends that are closer to us so that need is getting met. I need to set up some kind of reminder or getting in the habit of at least texting my friends a few times a week and calling hem far more often than I do. The hope is that if I can get into a routine doing this that it feels more natural and it feels less like I'm putting distance between me and people I care about. I also need to figure out what this block is but that's going to take work and might take some therapeutic help. I don't have a good answer there unfortunately but I wish I did. 

This post had a lot more thought put into it originally, but I lost a huge chunk of it either to my network or my browser, so this kind of feels a bit disjointed more than my original, but I'm oping I've presented something that makes sense.