"... it's never okay to cheat..."  

100% agree.  Never cheating has always been a mainstay with my wife and me, and I've assured her (truthfully) that I never have, either with her, my ex-wife, or long ago girlfriends.  We need to reassure each other on things like this because of our histories.

What your father did was inexcusable.  I wonder where he got the idea that his behavior was okay?  Maybe from others in his family or friends/associates.  I feel fortunate that I didn't have such role models for that, or misogyny, or violence.  Lots of other crap to be sure but none of those.

I think it's terrific you're doing what you need to do. It's your father's responsibility to take ownership of his actions, or not.  You can't control him.  But it's perfectly okay to put him on notice.  

Hugs,

Emma

Yeah.  There's just this stupidly complicated dynamic between me and him, and I'm trying to figure out how to change it without destroying the dwindling amount of family I have left.  I don't know that it's possible.  It feels more and more like it's eat the poison pudding or lose everything.  But if I have to choose, no more poison pudding.  I'd rather have just Nikki and my son than keep eating that pudding.

My dad has a real feeling that consequences are for everyone, until it means him.  *Headdesk*  I don't know that this can be navigated in a positive way without me being willing to let him continue like that.

Hiya Briannah, and Emma. I agree with Both ofYou Ladies. It Is Never right to cheat. I have Never, Ever, Cheated; on any Relationship. However, My Wife has been cheating on Me, for over 21 Month's, with Other Men, and Other Women. She Is Bisexual; but only " Came-Out " to Me about it in the last 5 Year's; long after We first got together - which is over 20 Year's; and long after We got Married - which is a few week's short of 18 Year's. Yet, when I first " Came-Out " as Transsexual; to Her, on 30th. April, 2015; then I started buying Female-Clothing; Undies; Nightwear; Shoes; etc., and Wearing them; and Fully; Full-Time; Female-Living; on 1st. May, 2015; She said that I should have told Her, before We got Married. Although She says that She did Not need to tell Me, before We got Married. Our Physical Relationship, has been over, for 14 Month's anyway. However, She has been metering-out Domestic Violence to Me, for Well Over 8 Year's, and I have got the Physical Scar's to Prove it. She and Our Middle-Son; were " Trapping " Me, between the Front-Door; and the Front-Door-Frame; 22 1/2 Day's ago. A Neighbour Phoned the Police. This is the 4 th. time, in a very few Month's, that Neighbour's have called the Police, because, I have been getting Gender-Domestic-Abuse; from Her, against Me. I Am now Officially Registered; with Our Local Women's Aid Charity, as a Domestic-Violence Victim ! ( I Am only under the Same-Roof, because We have got 3 Special-Need's-Children ! But, I now want out of here, which I Am now trying to organise. Briannah, You My Darling Friend, should think of the 3 Most-Importamt People - Yourself; Nikki; and Your Son. Forget Your Cheating Father. He was only ever interested in Himself, and Not You. Briannah, Speak Soon, Take Care, And My Very Best Wishes; to You - Bree; and to Nikki; and to Your Son; Love Stephanie. xxxx  Emma, Speak Soon, Take Care, And My Very Best Wishes; to You - Emma, and to Your Wife; Love Stephanie. xxxx 

*Hugs for Steph* I know, it's just easier said than done sometimes.  Especially as my family went from huge to really small as time takes it's price and there are less and less around.   I am healthier about this crazy weirdness between him and I than I've ever been, and progress continues, just sometimes...I don't know what to do with it all. 
 

I'm sort of surprised, so far silence from the other camp since I wrote the essay on it and posted it where it was visible.  It wasn't directed at them purely, it was a I'm tired of all these people trying to defend their crappy actions blaming them on the spouses rather than their own internal lack of integrity. And looking to me to validate it.  Yeah, I was raised that way, but as an adult I see that it was wrong.  Meh.

It's not just that first introduction to cheating from my dad, it's his general behavior on top of it.  He constantly preaches responsibility, and yet when it's HIS behavior that requires it suddenly we're all crazy and he never did anything wrong (he's huge into gaslighting everyone when it's him).  And then raising me to validate cheaters if their partners don't make them 100% happy.  He and my stepmom literally taught me all my life that it's my mothers fault he cheated (I was three, and at my grandparents all week, and they wouldn't watch me on weekends because they thought  my parents should actually raise me some of the time too, and Dad wanted to go out all weekend drinking for example), and that the reason he never cheated on my stepmom was she literally subsumed her whole life into him.  And it wasn't until the last ten years or so ago that I realized how REALLY unhealthy all that is.  Not to mention all his talk about blood ties being SO IMPORTANT and the man makes every effort NOT to connect to my son. 

Literally the only time in my offsprings life that my father asked to spend time alone with him was...to teach an emotionally unstable 10 year old to shoot guns.  I wish I was kidding.  Daniel inherited a hormonal disorder from his biological paternal family, and had a lot of challenges growing up that were based physically, where as I had a lot based environmentally.  both difficult childhoods, but we got through them.  But yes, let's teach a 10 year old who at that time has severe mood swings and is too young to consider medication to help because of the nature of the disorder and the effect of hormones on the brain to shoot guns.  THAT can't possibly go wrong!  *sighs*  Now that he's an adult and pretty much grown up of that, he can learn anything he wants, but he's not a big fan of guns.

So you can see it's a giant, interconnected can of worms.  And let's just say it's been interesting since I opened it. 

Dear Briannah and Friends,

To my parents' credit, they did not cheat on one another.  Perhaps it was because my father's first wife cheated on him while he fought in WW II.  

Don't believe in double standards.

Never cheated on my partner, and I don't date the ex's of my ex's or friends.

Sadly, even after agreeing to be exclusive, I have had partners who cheated on me from the beginning.  They weren't faithful even when we were courting!  For what it is worth, looking back, these cheaters were very likely Bipolar.

My only recommendation is to court for a YEAR, before moving in together (it is hard to keep up a lie for a year or more, but a few (sociopaths) are able to do it.  And, my second recommendation is the 90 day rule (and this was before Steve Harvey thought it up!), which is not to be sexually intimate before 90 days.

What concerns me about your father, was that he had relations with minors, which makes him a pedophile.  Am sure the girl was not his first nor his last.  If that girl was my daughter, he would be in JAIL.

Am glad you turned out a great woman, despite an abusive childhood.  AND YES, what you describe is CHILD ABUSE!

Your friend,

Monica

Monica, not that I really want to jump to defending my dad, but I did point out that I'm told by those that remember that it started after her graduation, she would not have been a minor.  And those people were not inlcined to protect my dad, it was my maternal grandmother that hated him.   To my knowledge every woman he's dated has been of legal age, and generally no more or less than a 7 year age gap.  His current wife being seven years older than him.  (Which made him freaking out about the five year younger than me issue with Nikki even dumber that he threw a fit over once upon a time until I pointed out his situation and how stupid he sounded).