Dear Emma,

Absolutely love your pictures!  May I suggest you get a Season/color evaluation.  Every woman should get this.

Your friend,

Monica

Emma,

You look so good!  You also look very comfortable with yourself, which is ultimately the important part :-)

With the wig(s) being hot, I wonder if it's something about the type? I was actually surprised that the ones I've been wearing aren't very warm (which is great in spring/summer, it would be nice in the winter if they were a little).

And yes, make-up is not easy! I was fortunate to have a good friend/co-worker who loves make-up and was very into helping me figure it out. It's also been nice getting to the point where I wear as little as I can :-)  (ultimately a quick pass with an eyebrow pencil, mascara and lip gloss are the "minimum" that I need to feel ok going out).

Best of luck as you continue to explore!

xoxo

Chrissy

Monica and Chrissy: thank you so much for your support. I was remarkably calm through it all which surprised me. I just felt good, like I was at home, if you know what I mean.

Regarding the wig, maybe there are different types, I just don't know. I had bought another a couple of years ago (which I returned) and it was very warm too. But at that time the store proprietor said that I needed to wear a nylon wig cap underneath - which increased the heat a lot. This time it was okay for me to just wear the wig which one would think would be cooler but it was still very warm. I'm going to wait and see about the wig. For now I have the one I have and maybe in August/September I'll visit a wig shop to see what I can find out. You're experience is very helpful.

I wish I could get away with as little makeup as you, Chrissy. For now I need to wear a foundation for beard cover and to clean up my face. The woman who gave the lessons to me has also put me on a daily/weekly regimen of face cleaning, moisturizing, and toning, which she says will show remarkable results in about six weeks. I started it yesterday and we will see how it goes! 

Hugs,

Emma

*waves* Heya Emma!  Lovely to see you looking happy and having a great time on the great adventure!  And I firmly believe that waxing was created as some form of torture and they found cosmetic applications for it later.  *laughs*  

Hey Bree!

I was recently wondering where you were. I did have a great time, thank you. And, I've had my brows waxed again. No big deal! I don't know about legs and all, I suppose I'll wait to see if hormones are the way to go for me and if so I'll venture down that path I'm sure.

Welcome back!

Emma

Oh you know, having a bit of  a breakdown after I had to put down my Murder Kitty at only five years old.    But ​Murder Kitty will not tolerate vet care, and while his condition was fixable, only with a LOT of constant vet care.  No one at our clinic has ever seen anything like his reaction to them.  So it was best to let him go quietly.  Then I tried to keep busy working on the great life reorganization plan, and I realized the great life reorganization plan exists outside of theory and had a panic breakdown.  It was a dumb idea on my part to agree to change EVERYTHING in my life at once.  I have deep seated security issues, and this amorphous shapeless mass of a future crushed me.  I should have known better.  I got so focused on what Nikki needed, somewhere in the last four months or so I sorta forgot I exist.  And my mom gave the only heirloom I ever wanted, that we fought over for years cuz she wouldn't even let me USE the dishes on holidays even though she never used them even once, to my cousin, and when I objected told me I'd never expressed any interest.  SO much fun realizing you don't exist for your family unless your standing in front of them.  But we're moving away sometime soon.  

It's better now though.  NIKKI GOT A JOB!  Yup, he leaves his current crappy one in two weeks, and is getting a raise and a more responsible position.  And it's only an hour north of the city we wanted to live in, so tomorrow we're going to a small town that is exactly between his job and the city where we have friends and stuff to do, about a half hour either way, and see if we want to consider living there.  The other option is a city north of his job that is bigger, but further from target city.  So if we hate small town we have a fall back plan.  I'm sorta excited to go check this place out.  We still have to sell this house obviously, but Nikki's commute is only an hour until we do, and he's done longer commutes before.  He's gonna have a normal m-f schedule again.  Hooray!   And his current job that is eliminating his department in like two weeks still hasn't even communicated what was going to happen to him or my best friend who works there, so the timing was LOVELY.  I'm really happy for him, and me, and having a direction is giving that future a sorta shape.  It's still all amorphous and scary, but it's starting to have a definite shape which is making me feel better.  We're moving in with Mom in September until the house sells and we get a new one so we can offer immediate possession to the buyer and no stress trying to orchestrate the two transactions. 

But I'm not crying in the corner anymore, so I'm back on the internet.   Missed ya!  

Emma, I'm so happy for you with your wonderful, freeing inward and outward adventures into your true needs and desires, finding your way into where you are really home.

Hi briannah, such a long time but am glad you feel better after making it through such a difficult period. I can barely imagine how agonizing that must have been with killer cat and still such a major loss even if it had to be plus other big things in flux and reorganization. all the best to you and nikki in the move to your target town and smart having backup plan too, but you seem to usually think of anything and everything so I wouldn't expect anything less. I'm glad we're both back now.

Hi Blue!  it's been a crazy ride, but as things are slowly pulling together I'm doing better.  I have had my disorders so long, and generally function around them so well, that I mostly actually forget they are there until I make a dumb choice like that and poke them hard and jump off the emotional cliff as it were.  It's why I always try to have backup plans for my backup plans, it's a coping mechanism for the terrorizing panic attacks I'm prone to.  Life, no one gets out unscarred. ​  

I am eyeing a nice Victorian, it needs a lot of cosmetic work, but the price is low, but I'm a bit worried about the yard.  The yard looks like it won't work, and that's non-negotiable.  I'll live in a plain uncharismatic ranch with a gorgeous yard if I have to.  LOL Nikki says maybe two months to having this place ready to list, and then once we find a buyer a huge chunk of the current stress will lift off.  I have paralyzing freakouts that no one will want the house.  Nothing will make that go away until we close on the house.  Then we can focus on buying the next one and setting up for the new chapter of life.  Closer to my friend N happily. 

Bri, life has too many stresses and scary things. It's all well and good to call them challenges, learning experiences, and all that, but things can be so much better and easier in theory and mind or fantasy than in the outside world. it would be nice to weed some out or at least have safe refuges from them within yourself, your relationships, and immediate surroundings. You seem to have that so much with Nikki as you chart your future and find and create your beautiful yard. Hope you find a buyer soon so that big piece of non-peace can fall away.

I'm on my iPad and it's harder to type so forgive bad typing and weird syntax.  Spent yesterday checking out target town and it was surprisingly awesome.  The park is so big and twisty we actually got lost and it took nearly an hour and Nikki trying to drive on a pedestrian only path to find our way back out.  Lol.  The Victorian is a no go it has a five foot deep back yard.  But the modern looking second house of which I have zero idea what style name to call it is in a lovely location and workable yard.  It's been on the market six months so there is a chance it will still be there.  Here's hoping.  The Chinese food at the restaurant we tried for lunch wasn't bad either.  Target town has hills   I've been living on the flat pancake of the 

I feel a little more like Emma now and maybe this can be an adventure instead of crazy.  

I was just thinking what an adventure you are on even before you used the word. I also realize how difficult that decision can be because my last moving decision was such a tradeoff. I am such a nature lover and love being surrounded by trees and wilderness and ocean, if possible, or at least a sense of wilderness with as few cars, traffic, and pollution of all types, including air, water, radiation, and light pollution. On the other hand, I love gourmet and natural/organic foods and ethnic foods like thai, indian, and sushi. Nature place was a wasteland for good restaurants, natural foods, and even good produce, which I really need.. Some other huge factors too that made it such a difficult decision and two different possible kinds of lives.

Hey Blue, I'm now in the Yukon Territory, just north of British Columbia. You'd love it. Miles and miles of trees, rolling hills and mountains, streams, rivers and lakes, and everything a rainbow of greens, every shade, every color. I'm like a birder as I drive along, often not seeing another vehicle for five minutes or more, wondering what type of tree I'm seeing. I think I need to buy a book on trees. 

It's so beautiful and yet, as I entered another campground today I couldn't help but feel a little uncomfortable as men checked me out, wearing titanium studs in my ears, my gray hair getting a bit longer than male. 

The scenery is fantastic. I've seen black bears, bison, goats, and others along the roads. I expect to see mire and more and am finally keeping my camera locked and loaded by me seat. Still, I feel that I should keep to myself as I fear recourse from others who might sense an opportunity to make a point. I think I'll be fine, but...

This is such a great, concise way of summing up the experience of transitioning. I've said a number of times to friends that the past couple of years have been the most amazing, and the most terrifying years of my life - and neither term adequately expresses the actual feelings behind them.

I hope that the "I'll be fine" part continues to outweigh the "but..." part!

Xoxo

Chrissy

Hi Chrissy,

Thank you, I'm looking forward to returning to my new home area in Seattle, where I am more confident that all will be okay. That said, I am making plans to have my hair styled in a more feminine way - as best I can until it grows out even more - and then using public transportation to travel around the city, to the conference center, various professional appointments with doctors, therapists, and just being myself. Even with the encouragement I've received I am apprehensive. Most of my worries are about looking "okay" but I felt that chill and fear yesterday. I remember the men's eyes, following me and not in a friendly way. Maybe they weren't threatening, perhaps just curious. I hope it's mostly the latter.

Emma

oh yeah, emma, that's my kind of trip, just what I long for, but hopefully one of these years. the world of trees, mountains, waterfalls and fast rivers, and forest creatures feels like home to me or one of my home bases. there's a serpent, though, in every paradise and it usually takes human form. it is so sad and unfair but a reality to have to wonder about who might be an aggressive predator and having to keep your eyes open for them, even though they are few and far between, I hope. I also hope most of the extra attention is curiosity and even perhaps a little special interest or admiration, but you'll probably find that much more in your expanding Seattle world as the more outwardly feminine you..

I have just had a fun experience. In Whitehorse, Yukon, there is a microbrewery called Winterlong, and I walked over there this afternoon. I had an IPA and while sitting there a couple, about my age, walked in and I overheard them talking to a younger (local) couple, and say they are from California. Long story short, we spent the next hour or so talking. They asked what was up with me, I explained that I am transgender, and we really hit it off. Nice people. Excellent beer! 

I fully agree that we need to be careful and I took a chance albeit small. 

I'm so proud of you and them. Very faith restorative and hopefully infinitely more similar experiences even while still enough on alert for the occasional crazy.