Dear Mikaylajane,

Have been in and out of therapy all my life, and I am not ashamed of it.

Sometimes I need to know, how much of it is me, and how much of it is where I live. There are areas in our country that attract mean and selfish people (everyone will perceive this differently).

The beauty of therapy is that the therapist is not in your daily life, so they may see more clearly. Do, however, be careful in choosing a therapist, as some of them enter the profession to boost their own ego, or to attempt to resolve their own problems.

Your friend,

Monica

The therapist I got set up with seems to be very nice. She gets quite busy so my next appointment isn't until the first week of November. Then I am set for like every other week. She is very open minded about the whole transgender issues and their being more than just 2 genders. I mean I wasn't even all dressed up and within 2 min she was asking me where I think I fall on the gender scale and told me to keep in mind there were more than just two. That made me feel really well. She gave me her email in case I needed anything in between now and my next appointment. And her contact phone number and gave me who to contact at the local LGBTQ center in town about any resources they may know of besides the transgender support group. So hopefully it will help. A lot more flew at me this week. I have not spoke with my mom for about a month since she really the last time I saw her judges me silently for how I was dressed and gave me that same disapproving look of disgust she gave me when I was a kid and caught me dressing as a female. And my work took out double my child support so I can't even pay all my bills now. And they won't even return my calls or emails. I have to contact them through email to payroll since they are gone before I come in to work. And today was the 2 year anniversary of my brothers death. Anyways thanks for all the support. Again. ☺

Well moving forward I am cutting contact with all my family except my ex wife and son. It is really messed up when the only person I have that accepts me and supports me is my ex wife. Her and I have a long story and well she says she loves me but won't do anything to show it to me. Just says it. She says she understands me but yet she doesn't because she thinks that me being trans and having these feelings I do is my mom's fault. No I have been like this as long as I can remember. I remember when my older sister was going through puberty I was like Damn I hope in a few years I am as pretty as she is. Then it hit me a few years later and No was like uh WTF this is not supposed to be me. I have felt off ever since. So I don't think my mom loving my sister's more and telling me I was supposed to be a girl and do girl things and then. All of a sudden is like your my son you don't dress like that or do those things anymore has everything to do with it. But it would be nice if she could at least accept me for me. And not look at me with disgust all the time. I probably won't speak to her again unless I absolutely have to. 

So Sunday I am going to a support group meeting for transgender I individuals. My Therapist suggested it. I had one visit and right off the bat within the first 2 min she asked me where I thought I was on the gender scale. And told me to keep in mind there were more than 2 genders. She seems really nice and easy to talk to. I have been slowly making comments to people and letting myself shine through a little bit. So far Everyone really doesn't seem to care much. And that's ok. I also am worried about what will happen if the trump Administration does change the wording of title IX TO MAKE SEX AND GENDER DEFINED AS BIOLOGICAL AND TOTALLY MAKE IT BASED ON WHAT YOUR ASSIGNED AT BIRTH. This is totally wrong And I feel like if that happens I will have to go back to what I have always been a lie and being miserable. I am ashamed to be an American at this point that this basic denial of human rights is even on the table. I hate the fact that one group of people is being singled out and tried to be erased. And not to mention all the scientific proof that it's not a mental illness and we actually do exist scientifically. All the studies that have been done. And now they want to make us disappear and take away basic human rights what's next concentration camps. This is really upsetting the feeling that we will be persecuted and not given the chance to even make a decision for ourselves. Makes me think real hard about moving North a few hundred miles from where I live and become a Canadian. I hear Toronto is very Trans Welcoming. And friendly. 

I am very, very happy for you!  😃Doubly!  Going slow, one thing at a time works.  There is no rush there, that I know, or at least I think so.  

Yeah, heard the same news which is very disheartening.  I saw the same thing in the 70's to 90's with trying to write out gays and lesbians; didn't work there and it won't work with transgenders, either.  BUT...we have to speak up and out! I have no idea what the "true " numbers are of transgenders and those exploring their gender identity, but I believe it is significant. I've already penned a letter to my congresswoman, a Republican, whom I know well.  She will think about what I said, and it will perhaps give her some perspective on the issue. I think she all ready knows, but may help to sway the "agenda" on this issue.  I have also written President Trump and Melania separately. I won't leave the US; still the best country I know of; but I will fight for my rights and the rights of all that make us what we are. Stay and help make us a Trans Welcoming Country.  No government is ever going to write who I am out of existence, that's for sure!

So I went to the support group today. I was nervous and it was nice to meet others with similar feelings as myself. I didn't talk much because I am very shy and was trying to feel things out as I always do. And before I went I got some crappy messages from my little sister and my mom. So I have blocked them from my Facebook Instagram and my phone. It is for the best. People who actually support you and care don't take advantage of you when your in a bad place and don't say that they are fine with you then judge you the whole time your being watched and eyes rolled and tell you how your gonna live. So my head wasn't in a good place today. It still isn't. And I took my son tricker treating afterwards. We went to a few neibors houses that we know and he dressed up as Batman he had a good time. He has some anxiety issues he gets really uncomfortable in crowds so we set it up with the neibors to do it tonight so he could still have the experience. Anyways that was my day. Some good mostly bad. And I am in a lower place now than I have been in a while. I guess just one more thing to talk to my therapist about. 

I don't know, I think you're day was mostly good, only a little bad. 👍  You were right there for your son. a good experience for you and him...he will never forget it. It's been obvious you love him dearly, as I love mine. You met others with similar feelings as yourself. I think you are leaping in the right direction; try not to fight it but open up to it. ❤️

Jessica