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I Feel Weird


Blackangel

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I feel a bit strange, weird, different (whatever you want to call it) when I come here. I'm more misanthropic than you can know. I absolutely despise the human race. But here at this forum it's different. I've grown to care a great deal for the people here. I feel for the first time in my life that I have an extended family of people who care for me as well. But I don't know how to process it. Also I'm sitting here waiting for it to all come crashing down, like everything else in my life has. While I care, I still can't trust. I refuse to trust anyone, online or IRL. The idea of someone caring for me scares the hell out of me. It's a total alien thought. Little green men from Mars seems more plausible. The biggest thing of all? Where do I go when it all does eventually crash down around me? Do I just use the rubble to reinforce the wall I already have up? Do I use it as ammunition against anyone who dares to get close to that wall? Do I become a hermit, move into a different room of the house and never leave again unless I have to?

One thing is that part about trust. It's not that I don't trust people. It's that I WON'T trust people. I refuse to do it. There's no reason to do it. Because every person will eventually stab you in the back to make themselves feel better. It's happened with every person I've known in my life, so at 37 years old there's no reason whatsoever to think otherwise. Even professional relationships crash and burn. My former therapist was the most recent one to prove that one.

My hatred for people goes far. I could be sitting in my garage, drinking a soda, listening to music, and all of a sudden see a person get slammed into by a speeding driver. I would think nothing of it. I would throw a bucket of gas on a burning person, and a bucket of water on a drowning person if they were someone that had ever wronged me. But if I was to see someone else do the same, it wouldn't phase me a bit. All people are equal in that instance. I'm not specifically going after Synagogues, or blacks, or republicans, or corporate executives. You wrong me, and your days are numbered. And I know things that should only be known by people in the CIA, FBI, ATF, and higher level police. Lethal things that should never be known by the general public. I actually make my own home made cyanide. I put a couple drops of it in hollow point bullets then seal it with a couple drops of wax from a burning candle. I've been called evil by many, and if not spot on, it's not far off.

I have my rats. I have my dogs. I have my birds. They are the only ones that I've known who love unconditionally. That's probably why I value their life above human life.

Yet still, I care about each and every one of you here. I love you all. Platonically of course. I would never harm anyone here intentionally. I would defend you all as fiercely as I possibly could. Which is why I feel so screwed up in my head. How do I process this insanity and confusion?

 

Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
"Sir," said I, "or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;
But the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping,
And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door,
That I scarce was sure I heard you"-- here I opened wide the door; --
                           Darkness there and nothing more

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I also have deep challenges to trusting people, especially people such as friends, lovers... even my own children. My feelings don't sound as deep as yours but we have parallels. Of course I don't know from where your feelings emerge. I believe mine come from a very awkward, uncomfortable, and untrusting childhood. Knowing that I can put my feelings in context but it feels impossible to dismiss them. I'm continually amazed that people seem to like and love me. When we are apart I gradually assume the worst. And then, suddenly. they reach out, we go have dinner or something, and wow - I was so wrong.

Perhaps that's why you feel the way you do about people here on TG Guide. We keep returning to you nonjudgmentally with love and support. I hope that helps you, I really do.

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Yep, that Raven has landed on my shoulder, too.  Never, ever let anyone in my inner circle and now after 64 years have just begun....a little bit at a time.  I think my wife's death spurred my change in thought, but still keep myself quite guarded.  I can say, though, since, I'm learning much about what I've missed in life and slowly but surely am seeing things I never thought could exist in human beings and quite frankly it's a joy and a challenge to be part of bringing those things out in both myself and others! How do I process it?  Slowly but surely.  There are still some disappointments, but the satisfactions far outweigh them.

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