...and now you can relax...
Entry posted by ScottishDeeDee
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* Just a quick content warning that this post is a candid one about a recent personal funeral experience*
Today is a quiet day, I have spent the last hour just sitting and watching some of my favourite female comedians on "Live at the Apollo" as youtube has suggested and auto played one after the other. I did not start out doing that but it was good to laugh.
In my work I have to walk a line of professionalism and caring, one you learn how to do and the other you either do or don't. When my ex told me that her granny had died and that her wishes had been for me to speak at the service I did not even consider saying no. I was meant to be starting my holidays and had already had to say no to two other families, but this one has a personal connection. The next day my ex rang me again and told me that they had changed their minds and asked someone else to do it, so when I packed my bags to go and help my mum move, I was expecting to just be another mourner.
I was content to believe that I would simply be turning up to pay my respects but when I arrived at my ex mother in laws house as she was taking the kids for a weekend while I attended a friends wedding I noticed my name on the order of service and pointed out that it needed to be changed before they did the big print run. I was assured it was meant to be there as they had decided that they wanted to honour their mums wishes and she had wanted me to be a part of the service. They had already planned the service out, and that was how I found out about my involvement. Not an awkward position to be put in at all...
I also had to go through the part of meeting my ex wife's new fiance the night before the service itself while I was helping with last minute prep and knew that even without me there was enough of the usual family dramas going on to make the funeral a possible tinderbox.
I made a point of cracking a couple of appropriate light hearted jokes with the new guy to break any tension and reassure my ex that I was not going to do anything (even though she knows that I would never even dream of being the one to cause an issue) The day of the service I waited with the family and had the joy of it being the first time many of them had seen me since we had split up so I had to reassure all of them that I am doing okay while new guy sits literally behind me hugging my ex wife.
My ex mother in laws ex was taking a cord at the burial, but did not want to sit with the family (it gets more complicated than that but I wont go into it here - 3 generations of the women in my exes family have married, cheated and then remarried - maybe I should have seen it coming)
I am extremely good at self control - I worked on it as a teenager and mastered the art of locking down my feelings and frustrations and just letting them out later, as someone who has spent their life hiding and ignoring any indication of liking or wearing female clothing for the sheer guilt and shame of it I can assure you that the hardest thing to control is blushing, but that is a situation that happens rarely in my life.
I did my bit, I had to pause a few times to suck back in the desire to shed tears and when my ex wife sang because she had been asked to I was glad I could sit and close my eyes so that I could keep my emotions under control. After the service I could then go and hug my children who had attended too but had been with the immediate family and were obviously gutted, after some coffee and some food I managed to get my nerves back down and stay in professional mode enough to be polite to those who wanted to speak to me even though I really did not want to be in that room any more.
I was a wreck by the time I had completed the 3hr drive home that evening with the kids, those who knew I had been taking part in the service were getting anxious that I had not been in touch, and last night I was so drained that I probably slept soundly for the first time in a long time.
Today I am still tired, happy that the wedding provided me with a chance to catch up with so many of my friends and literally give me an excuse to dance all night, though I laughed when I was dancing with my female friend who knows about me exploring being Trans and she "led" the dance, the hand grip is very different.
There was one brilliant moment when it was me and 4 woman at the bar and they were all ordering white wine and lemonade and I said that I had better order a beer to at least put on the pretence of being manly, they laughed and made a joke about it, but the truth is while wine may not be my preference simply because of the cost per glass, I would have drank the same as them all night quite happily. So much is about appearances, I may be trying to hide less - I was offering helpful advice when a friend was putting on fake nails getting ready for the wedding, and I now message how i wish without shortening the responses or removing all of the hugs at the end (most of the time) but "beer" was a default response I didn't feel comfortable changing, even though it was my sister that taught me to drink pints in the first place.
I also spent some time talking with someone who I have known for years, recently she has been messaging me - a change in her FB habits - to see if I was coming to the wedding and then again afterwards to thank me for the chat and the dances, and again last night to offer a virtual hug after a FB post about the funeral - we are both separated from our exes and both have kids that are on the autistic spectrum and there is nothing overtly romantic or flirty about the messages or her conversation, but it is a change in habit enough to trigger my warning sensors and I do not know if she wants more or not - I was as open as I could be with everyone about the fact that I am having a crisis of identity at the moment and trying to learn who I am, but this is something I do not know what to do about - we did not hug or kiss in person and I danced with literally all my female friends and at least two male friends - I am extremely quick to pick up on other peoples moods, but hopeless when it comes to myself.
How would she feel if she knew that I was planning on going out and spending almost a full weekend as Dee at the end of this month, just to see how I feel about it? Which at the moment is equal parts wanting to squeal with excitement and terror!
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