I have been going out and walking/jogging to a couch to 5km app, when I first started in May I had done half a dozen park runs where again I had mostly walked, my motivation was to get out and do something because most of the time I do not want to go out or do anything, I was also putting all the weight back on that I had lost before Christmas last year.  I have some really nice second hand clothes and if I am going to have to come out in front of my friends and family at some point then I want to look my best, shallow vanity I know, but that pretty lemon yellow summer dress that was in the clothes my sister sent up is something I would love to fit into next year.

For the last 5 weeks I have gone out 3 times a week, usually Monday, Wednesday and Saturday, and the app I use the trainer called "Erin" tells me when to run and when to walk, it has been fantastic as given the choice I would walk most of the time.

Through her I am now running more than I am walking and if I keep this up in two weeks time I should in theory be able to run a full 5km without stopping to walk.

This has become more important to me as time passes, every time I am told to visualise why I have showed up to exercise I picture that dress.

She told me to think of a mantra to repeat to myself and the one she uses is "Be strong... You're strong!" So being the unimaginative soul that I am I have been jogging around and chanting "Be strong DeeDee. You're strong." whenever it has felt tough, which has been a lot of he time.

I haven't lost much weight, but I am feeling a lot fitter than I was when I started and it is nice to have something to push myself towards.

My inner monologue talks in the 3rd person and I noticed that when it was getting particularly hard to catch my breathe on a farm track that slopes upwards, my inside voice started with the, "come on Dee Dee you can do this" encouragement, it was five or so minutes later as I was cruising down the track that I realised that my head voice never uses my male name anymore I only ever refer to myself as DeeDee. I think I am fine at the moment with the necessity that others have to use my male name but it is getting easier and easier to visualise a time when that will not have to happen anymore.

I also think I need to order more openly feminine glasses as the ones I received and was most apathetic about as they were thinner than I had hoped I have been using as my everyday glasses and not one person has noticed that they have changed. It would be nice to own an everyday pair that I can use as DeeDee.

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