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By the Gods, I hate me

Blackangel

Entry posted by Blackangel in Blackangel Happenings

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I can’t stand this anymore. I hate myself so much. I hate myself because I’m crippled. I hate myself because I’m poor. I hate myself because I was the bottom of the bottom class. I hate myself because I’m transgender.

I can’t stand anything about myself anymore. There is nothing redeemable about this worthless corpse. I don’t warrant any kind of self worth. So many times I feel like leaving and going back to living on the streets. Dumpster diving for food. Filling up 2 liter bottles for water. It’s what’s familiar, what feels right, and what feels natural.

What else? I would probably end up using again. I deserve nothing better. I’m a freak. An abomination. An unwanted and unwelcome monster. There is nothing about me of value. The day I die will be the one and only day in my entire life that I ever did anything that was of value.

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MonicaPz

Jennifer, we all go through periods where we "hate" ourselves. Maybe a more accurate word is disappointment and disillusionment . . .

It' OK to have these feelings briefly, but our health suffers when we hate ourselves.

This, unfortunately, is  common in today's society, because we feel we have to earn love by productivity. That's not love - that's acceptance.

Jennifer, your Higher Power loves you for exactly what you're are at every phase of your life.

Yours in Sisterhood,

 

Monica

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Blackangel
5 hours ago, MonicaPz said:

Jennifer, we all go through periods where we "hate" ourselves. Maybe a more accurate word is disappointment disillusionment . . .

It's OK to have these feelings briefly, but our health when we hate ourselves.

This, unfortunately, is  common in today's society, because we feel we have to earn love by productivity. That's not love - that's acceptance.

Jennifer, your Higher Power loves you for exactly what you're are at every phase of your life.

Yours in Sisterhood,

 

Monica

And when you feel like this literally 95%-100% of the time, what then? That other 5% is just completely zoned out zombie, or when I'm asleep. I don't dream except for once per year. But I hate that dream.

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