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These past two days have both been wonderful, and difficult. Prideful, and shameful. It started out with a simple errand. My boyfriend had to work, so I went into town on my own, something I rarely get the opportunity to do. So I threw on my binder and a lose black sweater and my jeans, and wandered half an hour from home to do my errands. Grab some groceries, refill on meds, things of that nature. One thing that I needed to pick up, was an auto paint pen. For those of you who arent sure what that is, it's just the paint to fix scratches on your vehicle in the accessability of a marker. So I gathered the barcode and color code, and wandered in to find it. I knew where I was going, because I rather enjoy being at the autopart store, and knew where things were. But out of no where I heard "How can I help you, sir?" I paused, looking over my shoulder. Surely that werent for me....was it? It was. I couldnt help but stare at the man and do all I could to resist smiling from ear to ear. He didnt say miss, or ma'am, or lady....he said sir. SIR. I wanted to hug him, I was so happy. Finally! Expecially since I've seen this man before plenty of times while with my boyfriend, but that was back when I dressed like a girl and had the unbearable waist-long hair. Now....I was sir. Unfortunatly they didnt have the paint that I needed, so I left empty handed, but with a smile on my face. They didnt understand why I looked so happy after being turned down of products, but that was just fine with me. My next stop was over to UnderArmor, to find a compression shirt. I was nervous, not sure what I was looking for at all, and wandered aimlessly in confusion. Eventually I decided to ask for help, and actually had to stop and think when they asked if I was looking for mens or womens clothing. I nearly gagged when I said womens...I wanted to say mens, but if it was a matter of how it would work, I guessed it was better to be honest. She wandered around to try and help me out, but came up empty handed. So she called upon the manager, Adam. Who, by the way, threw off all the hints that perhaps he were less than straight. Which was just fine with me. He smiled and helped me out, but then he stopped and stared at me. His gaze told of nothing but concern and sympathy, before he got really close and lowered his voice to a whisper. "Darling I love you just the way you are, and please do not be offended...but is this going under a binder?" he asked. I wanted to hide. I wanted to shove him out of my way and run from that store like a lunatic. But instead I stood dumbfounded, ashamed, and nodded. He smiled though, touched my shoulder, and gave me a wink. "Perfect. Now I know what you need" he grinned. He was so helpful! One look and he guessed my size, showed me what would work best for what I needed, and I left with two shirts (which were PERFECT by the way, this man was a GENIUS!) and another grin. THOSE were my PRIDEFUL moments.....then came my shame. The next night, my boyfriend and I decided to go watch Dracula in the theater, being that I am HUGE into the vampiric mythology and Dracula could practically be my uncle I grabbed his button up black shirt, because I love how it fits, and even took the time to throw some junk in my hair to keep it looking decent. Something I dont normally even bother with because I sort of like my messy look XD I had no problems until we got to the theater, and I decided to use the restroom before the movie started. Something told me this werent going to go well for some reason, but I went anyway. I went in the women's restroom, because that's what I'm used to, and I havent gotten to the point yet that said it's alright to go in the mens. Did my business, etc. Everything was fine until I went to wash my hands, and was confronted by a middle aged mom with a toddler on her hip, a look of horror on her face. "What the **** are you doing in here?!" was her screams in my face. I were confused at first, til I realized that just like the day before, perhaps I didnt look feminine. "There are little girls in here! Get the **** out, you pedophile!" she yelled. Everyone were staring at me now, and I didnt know what to do. I tried to move past her to wash my hands, but she continued to yell at me the whole time I were at the sink. Calling me names, calling me a pervert, and even one of the little girls went to hide in one of the stalls because she thought a boy was in the girls room. My face were so red with shame and embarrassment, that I wanted to curl up in a corner. I didnt even bother to dry my hands, I just fled the bathroom with my head down, hearing the door slam behind me and the excited screaming of the woman on the other side of it. I hate the way I am. I always have. But this....this just made me feel so much worse. I dont belong in the men's room..not yet. But....now I dont even belong in the women's bathroom either? I dont like germs...I'm slightly germaphobic. But now....**** public bathrooms. I'll hold it. So in one way, it was a good experience, because it goes to show that I'm slowly molding into the man I want to be. But in another way, it's pushing me further into that void where I dont belong with them, I dont belong with the guys....I dont belong anywhere. I'm in limbo, and there's no where to go except forwards or back. I really hope I'm not messing things up, -Warren

Hello, I am Dawn Lynn, I am a transgendered woman. I still have a hard time saying that. As I'm still just starting to coming to terms with it. I have been a lifelong crossdresser, and I thought that's all I was, I'd never knew what the term transgender was, and that it even applied to me, That is until I started seeing a therapist about 5 or 6 months ago. I started to dress when I was about 5 or so. I always liked no loved girls and everything about them, I wished I could wear the pretty clothes and be one. I remember in school on picture day, all the girls would wear pretty dresses, and we (the boys) would wear just shirts and ties (boring), was so jealous of the girls. I was always very ashamed of myself, because of my dressing. And because of my shame I never dated, well I had one date my sophomore year of high school. Even though most of my friends where girls, I knew (in my mind) no girl would want to be my girlfriend, so I just never asked. I mean what would the point have been, why I would have wanted to add the pain on rejection, to my misery. So my misery reached a breaking point in 1991/92. I was at my friend’s home during the holidays. Seeing him with his wife and kids. I knew that was something I would never have. So I planned to take my life in January or 92, Well I got help and didn’t. More on that later. So I started to feel better about myself. I met my wife August of 92 we married in June of 93, and our first daughter in March of 94 the second in May of 96. So I went from being suicidal to being married in 18 months, being a dad in 10 months later, and a second child in 26 months after that. Now for most of the last 21 years I’ve been able suppress my need to dress. But over the last year the need has gotten much stronger. And with that I stared to see a therapist, she’s helped me to see, that I’m transgendered. In (only) one respect am I a typical male (I love women). But when I see a nicely dressed, good looking women, I will first see what she is wearing, her makeup and hair. And I think I’d love to look like that and or I love to wear that. Or if she overly had up with too much makeup or is wearing something that just doesn’t go together, I would think I wouldn’t wear that. After all that I’d think about if I was attracted to her or not.

Dexxy, I definately understand hair, as I Iove to have longer hair today, after having to cut it short, and keep it short, for my over 30 years in an office environment. I remember when I was 18 enoying the freedom that my long hair gave me and yes I looked female, but I did not care. Then I went into the militay and my hair was gone. This was hard for me to deal with at first. For a job I sacrficed my freedom. Now I have long hair again and I am happy about it. Many of my friends have told me they see me as free spirit. Yes, I can fly. Dawn

“For the things we have to learn before we can do them, we learn by doing them.” Aristotle, When great people say or do great things, people take notice, they listen, watch and learn. In our own lives, we want others to think great things about us. I used to enjoy scoring the winning goal in a dogged match, gaining a promotion at work, helping a friend in need. A simple idea in principle but one that has now taken on a new meaning in my own life. Once it was enough to accept a pat on the back for a job well done or the smile of a friend who was in anguish only to be healed by your kind words or actions. I have a new challenge and one that I have little, if any, experience in. I have to act like a woman, and I need others to think of me as feminine in the future. There is so much that has changed within my mind over the last months and years but now the real hard work begins. Practicing my walking had a most unwelcome outcome the other day, never before has putting ones foot before the other been so much hard work. Small steps at first, noticing my hips swinging a little and my arms doing a ridiculous flowing motion, like a hippy portraying a roller-coaster in charades. I felt it though, the smile was back, I felt free from societies shackles. I probably looked like a complete fool, but none the wiser I trotted my way into a faster pace, always over confident and ambitious…splat! Over I went in a spectacular fall from grace. Luckily for me a well placed railing came to my rescue and after having a little look around at who may have seen my stumble, there was only two elderly ladies waiting at a near by bus stop. Not sure they saw but was glad to not be more embarrassed. As I grow and learn the techniques needed to convince others of my feminine charms a better person should be more evident, friendlier, less aggressive and hopefully more appealing. One aspect that has become apparent right from the outset is I do not feel the need to push my views on others as I normally do. I allow others to speak first, listen more closely before judging their stance and generally have a better conversation. This is all positive in not only my journey to womanhood but in social situations as a whole. I feel people are more drawn to me, gone is this arrogant, controlling and obnoxious man. Liberty and self awareness now fuels me instead of a sticky mud that kept me back from the truth.

well we have been in michagin a week now and it has been very interesting to say the least, went to church for the first time in years and participated in ash wendsday, the people there were 90% lgbt and it was amazing to sit there as myself and feel normal and welcome, I have made a lot of friends and even been complimented on how nice I look and not in the room but literally out on the street by strangers, people totally except me as a women and a friend, never have I seen anyplace so excepting and loving, my children are totally loving this place and want to stay my wife is amazed at how excepted we are right from day one, and people even want me as me not as the lie I was born into. if there is anyplace I felt more at home, I do not recall it. for the first time in my life I feel normal and believe me that is a wonderful feeling, for all of my brothers and sisters in the world struggling with lgbt issues god n goddess bless and for those who feel this kind of love and exceptance plz know how lucky you are, so many are still abused and insulted and harassed just trying to be normal and live happy. sends a blessing to all those who struggle daily and hopes they find happiness that I have known this week.......... as ever Summer

Alexis, your post reminds me of the wonderful experience I had at King of Peace MCC (Metropolitan Community Church) in St. Petersburg, Florida. Felt totally loved and accepted, as well as everyone else. Wish I could clone that church!