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According to Google, the definition of transition is: "the process or period of changing from one state or condition to another." In the context of transgender, my sense is that it means moving toward a more final condition of living full time, HRT, and quite possibly, surgery. If you don't mind, I'd like to put a finer point on it and hear some feedback. In my career in high-tech marketing/sales we often used the phrase "we don't know what we don't know" to underscore our lack of understanding that would develop as we explored further. I think I'm there now. I have my doubts that I'll want/need HRT or SRS but I don't know what I don't know because I'm so early in my exploration. I trust that with experience I'll gain insights that will make this more clear for me. I admit I'm frightened. But long before profound changes like HRT/SRS there are other important transitions. Probably lots of them, but here's a couple: * Coming out to my therapist. Gee, that one took me >3 decades. Wow! * Accepting myself. Because of my therapist's wonderful support, friends and information here and elsewhere, I'm "getting it." But I still have times when I wonder... * Openly talking with my lovely wife. This is hard to do. She didn't sign up to this when we married. I know she loves me dearly but one has to wonder what her breaking point will be. We're in the middle of this now. And there are others, like going out and having a good time, in private, and making friends. Going out in public and achieving confidence and presence. Letting my family, neighbors, and friends know. So, I don't think there is such a thing as a singular "transition." I believe it's a continuum. But I am a newbie in many ways and am open to discussion and correction. I'd love to hear your thoughts. Sincerely, Emma Photo: Some years ago we visited Rodin's Museum in Paris. It was a cold day in January, and wow, The Thinker was right outside! Seems like an appropriate photo for today's post.

"Your manager screwed up initially but for some reason came around. Maybe someone (like your friend) talked to him. No matter, at least he's gone on record to support you." -Emma I try to think and believe positive...but I can't help but believe this joker did not have a change of heart in regard to Warren - he realized that his actions could get him in hot water if the issue found its way to his superiors or even further. Personally...I believe he came back to cover his butt. "My biggest problem isnt physical violence. It's not emotional outbursts. It's my past that I worry about. My self harm. I've done good so far, over a month harm-free. But this...This has pushed me over the limit. Tonight's going to be a long night." -Warren Keep hammering out the blogs, and posts in the forums. Wear the keyboard out...that's what they're for. -Michael

Anyone going through the journey of one gender to another KNOWS that every day changes. For me, I have three stages I could hit. One day, I tollerate it. TOLLERATE it. It's on my mind all day, but I do my best to just do what I'm doing and ignore what's going on. Then I have my heartbreak days. Days when every instant that I remember what I'm going through and how I'm physically stuck, makes me want to curl up in a bathroom stall and cry till I cant breathe anymore. It physically HURTS to know that I'm stuck as everyone sees me. Then there's my angry days. Days when every second, every reminder, every person talking to absolutely PISSES me off! Nothing is safe from my fury. I have bruised my chest and face on these days, when I am so angry that I escape all rational thought and just want them Gone. Want ALL of it...just...gone. These days hit at random, and I cannot tell you "It'll be okay" because at the times they hit, it sure as hell doesnt feel like its going to be okay. Either you want to disappear, cry til you die, or simply strangle the hell out of every person you see. Someone once told me that because I'm a transman, that's why I get so angry all the time. Imaginary Testosterone in me 0.o But I think they were just trying to make me feel better. Doesnt really seem possible, I dont think. This morning as I was doing my daily exercise routine, it hit me like a brick. Just a sudden wave of hopeless depression. Lifting weights, doing situps, doing pushups...what am I doing all this for? To shrink my bust size? Doesnt seem to do much...To strengthen my arms and bulk them up to look more masculine? Maybe, but it seems failed. I ache all day in my shoulders and back from exercising before work, and for what? I was finishing up my pushups when I couldnt do any more, and just laid there on the floor holding my head, trying not to emotionally lose it. Why does transitioning have to be so hard? Why cant we just wake up, say "I'm done with you gender, I'm being me now, damit!" and just POOF into what we truely are? Why do we have to jump through so many damn hoops, try to endure the agony of judgement, and hide in the shadows until society deems us worthy to spread our wings? It's not fair. When I was younger, I used to CONSTANTLY ask myself "What did I do in a past life that was so agonizingly horrible, that I would be reborn in the WRONG BODY!? What did I do to deserve this?!" Waking up and getting angry at your reflection. Wanting to do things, only to have your family or friends say "______s dont do that. You're a _____, you're not supposed to do that." SAYS WHO!? Is there an unwritten book of law about gender roles?! Who ever wrote the book to say girls cant shoot guns, drive fast cars, or dress like men? Who wrote the book to say that men cant wear a dress, look pretty in makeup, play with dolls or get excited about the latest heels? I want to know who wrote that book. And I want to shove their face into a bowl of lemon juice and strap it there! How could the world be so unfair.... Yet....we endure...dont we? We shine the brightest we can shine. We raise our chins high and walk where we need to go, regardless of the pointed fingers and staring eyes. We put on our boots or heels, do our hair, and endure the judgement of the world. We mask the pain, put on our stone cold masks of smiles and grins, while deep inside we're melting away like hot wax. The things we endure...just to be ourselves. So I got up off that floor, brushed myself off, and took a breath. I put in my headphones, and turned to my favorite song. Growling to myself, I straightened my shoulders, and I punched that floor. I punched it so hard, my knuckle cracked and my fingers swelled. I got back on my knees and fists, and I kept going with the pushups. I kept sweating on that floor, I kept giving my ipod a deathstare below me. Why? Because I have to. We have to. We have to be stronger than those staring eyes. We have to be more persistent than those pointed fingers. We have to be braver than the words they speak. We have to be proud. We have to be..us. What else could we possibly do aside from hide in the shadows? That will get us nothing but darkness and snickering smirks from the world around us. I'm done playing pretend. I'm done playing dressup. You dont like who I am, you'll just have to find something else to jeer at. Because I dont care anymore. Kristy is down the drain. I shoved her down that pipe and I turned on the food grinder. She's dead. Warren is taking her place, and cutting her hair away. Her waist long hair doesnt exist. Her pretty little red sneakers are in the trash. Her flowing blouses are Warren's rags to wipe his hands on while working on his jeep. Because damnit he likes working on his car, and no one can tell him no anymore. Warren P.S. Song is Silhouettes by Avicii...You should REALLY REALLY look up the music video. That and Ruby Rose's video for Break Free Plus basically ANYTHING from Adam Lambert is amazing

Dearest Warren, It's so good to see your latest post here. Your writing touches me. I do share your pain, worries, doubts, and sometimes, joys. I also wish there was a button one could push and instantly be done with it, either changing my DNA/sex/gender or society's beliefs/reactions or both. It is freaking frustrating that there isn't such a thing. About anger and sensitivity: I don't think it's testosterone but a natural reaction to the frustrations you feel. The situation we are in isn't fair at all. It seems to me that we can consider it in the "five stages of grief" model, where Anger is #2: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kübler-Ross_model Oh boy, we still have Bargaining and Depression to look forward to before reaching Acceptance. But hey, at least we're past Denial! The model isn't perfect for sure, and I believe we wax and wane between the stages all the time. But it helps me to have some sort of reference point. I was also feeling much the way you are the past few days. My wonderful therapist advised that I "listen to Emma," that she knows my heart. I still have my worries and hurts, but this helps me. So you, too: listen to Warren!. As you wrote, go be yourself, a transman. Replace Kristy's clothes and presence with Warren's. Be Warren, the guy who likes to get dirty, work on his car, works out. One piece of advice, perhaps worth 2c: don't drown Kristy. She's your heritage and will always be there for you deep down. It wasn't her fault either that you were born female. She loves you too. Be well, Warren, Emma

Another great song that has gotten me through some hard times. Jessie J's song "Who you are"

Work today started off as usual. I got there, I got rid of my backpack and such, got changed into my chef's gear, and got to work. Everything was normal. Well, as normal as it could be, anyway. That is...until after lunch. I headed to my locker to get my headphones for my ipod, but something fell out of my locker. A little piece of paper, folded up, crinkled, and written on. "Gender Queers Dont belong here, f*** off" It took me a good five minutes to read this fully, and for it to punch me square in the jaw like I'd been hit and run over by a freight train on the run. I had to sit down and stare at the note. I looked up at my locker, realizing that my nametag on my locker door was torn to shreds on the floor. Why cant I get a break? Even a little one....why not? Nearly numb with hurt, I brought it to my coworker. "Bring it right to the manager!" she gasped, shocked that it had happened. (She knows im transitioning) I did so, and brought it to him, and showed him. He then shrugged it off as if it were nothing, and threw the note in the trash. Like it were nothing to him, and the whole situation meant nothing. I broke down, walked outside, curled up and lost it. After probably five to ten minutes, I eventually calmed down and went back to work. I was livid that they didnt care. But I couldnt explain to them about WHY it bothered me so much, because then they would know. Then it would click, and they would see what I were hiding. They'd see into my closed closet doors. Later, it finally clicked to them how serious this was. The manager took the note out of the trash, apologized to me for "blowing you off", and took the matter to higher management. He then came to me and said basically that this whole situation was bull**** and he will NOT stand for it. This is all good and such, and great that they're now taking it seriously but... I just handed in a note that insulted me as a Gender Queer, obviously upset about it...they're going to put 2 and 2 together and realize what's going on. This is not how I wanted this to come to light. I dont know what to do... Warren

Michael, I thought exactly what you are about Warren's manager but based on Warren's description of the managers later actions and words, it seemed sincere. Regardless, we know where the manager's heart is. It's an ugly situation. Your advice to wear out the keyboard is right on. Emma

Yeah my boyfriend knows, and hes not too pleased about it either. He realizes that not only does this emotionally hurt me like crazy...but now more people probably know about my situation. They told me that if I recieved more notes, to let them know. But I didnt want to recieve more notes. I didnt want to read those things again. So I took away the locker, so they couldnt send them anymore. I'm too afraid to back into that room. I dont want to ever step foot in another womens locker room again. I dont belong in there, they're right about that part. Even I know that. But where else am I to go? Obviously not the men's locker room... I'm trying to remain calm on the situation and not stoop to their level, but its hard. I have such a short temper, and this hurt me to no end. Seven little words. Seriously...that's it. Yet it felt like they physically beat me to a pulp. My biggest problem isnt physical violence. It's not emotional outbursts. It's my past that I worry about. My self harm. I've done good so far, over a month harm-free. But this...This has pushed me over the limit. Tonight's going to be a long night. Warren

Sidenote: Out of fear of more notes, I have surrendered my locker to a coworker who wanted one, and emptied it completely tonight. I dont want it...not after this. So now I have to change into my chef's gear at home, and keep all my uniforms in my car. :(

"Photo: Some years ago we visited Rodin's Museum in Paris. It was a cold day in January, and wow, The Thinker was right outside! Seems like an appropriate photo for today's post." -Emma I was thinking the same thing before I finished reading the first paragraph. -Michael

LOL... wow! You do not know how much I can relate to, and understand, the anger you describe, and that laces this blog entry (whether you intended for it to or not). But I also understand the other two emotions... tolerating things (just barely) as they are. And then the physical hurt, the pain that keeps me teetering on the edge of tears. But it seems that the anger is the worse. It's like I can do nothing about it but let it run it's course. On the days the anger has a death grip on my silicone huevos, I cannot read certain TGLB articles depending upon the topic, I cannot read certain posts here on the forums - sometimes none at all. All I can do is sign in and make sure no one has come here acting like an idiot, or trying to use our forums for their spam. To be "ma'am'ed" twists my insides into knots to the point that it sometimes makes me flinch. Someone (most often another man) innocently opening a door for me makes me wanna rip the door from it's hinges and beat the living crap out of him. Yeah...the anger... geez. The anger. <shaking head> I think only three things keep me from snapping: ................. My girlfriend. She somehow knows how to get my mind off things and calm me down. She is my one-woman support group. It seems she can make me smile on my worst days. ................. TG Guide. Knowing there are people here that can relate, and accept me for my true self. ................. And now I have another little furry child. Dogs (pets in general I guess) love you no matter what. To her, I'm just that human critter that loves her and that she can depend on. And if I tell her that I'm "Daddy," she doesn't question it, or look at me stupid, or try to tell me otherwise. -Michael

Hi Warren, Please don't hurt yourself. You're hurting enough without that. I hear you, where to go. Men's room = no. Women's room = no. I don't know what to suggest except that the women's room should be safe. Women are much less physically threatening than men, right? Warren, please take care of yourself. Don't cut or harm yourself. And let us know how you're doing. I will be so sad for you if you hurt yourself. Don't let them win. Sincerely, really, Emma

You both are so nice, thank you so much. It helps me more than you know to have you here and to read your posts. I'm feeling a little better today. I exchanged emails with my therapist who advised that I "listen to Emma," that her instincts are sound. I know he's right but it's scary, like in one of the Indiana Jones movies when he knew he had to walk across the chasm and trust that he wouldn't kill himself. I think this is a good example of how much TG Guide helps us. Friends like you are wonderful. Thanks so much, Emma P.S. Warren: I'll match your 2c, add it to Michael's, and we'll start a hedge fund or something. We'll be rich!

Dear Warren, I'm so sorry to hear of this. I can barely imagine how devastating it is to you. You are absolutely doing the right thing by telling us about it, and I assume also your BF, right? Your manager screwed up initially but for some reason came around. Maybe someone (like your friend) talked to him. No matter, at least he's gone on record to support you. I think you also did the right thing by cleaning out your locker. Some may disagree but at least you're removing the target from the coward who assaulted you. And that's exactly what he/she is, a F**king Coward, who can't stand up to you. Whatever, that is their problem not yours. My 2c suggestion? Hold your head high. Do a great job. Make your manager and your coworkers damned happy to have you on the team. And absolutely resist fighting or being angry on the level of the Coward. By holding the "high ground" you'll show the kind of good person that you truly are. But if you do trip up and get angry or emotional, that's okay kiddo. You're human after all, and dealing with something that takes a lot of bravery and courage. We're all right behind you, Warren. Sincerely, Emma

Michael, At the risk of also drawing ire, I tend to agree with you. It's a bit of chicken and egg: did I desire to be a girl first and then find it erotic, or, did I just enjoy getting off while crossdressed and fantasizing? Given my recent' discovery/acceptance that my desires of being female came long before puberty (like in preschool) my conclusion is that the erotic aspects came about because they were the only outlet left open to me. In elementary school I always fantasized about becoming a girl or waking up to be a girl as I went to sleep. It seems natural, then, that I'd also find it erotic to make love as a female. Emma

Warren, I think it's great that you had a sit down and talk with your BF. I'm afraid there is no other way if you and he hope to grow in your relationship. And from your experience with a trial separation it seems that you both do want to stay together. So keep talking! I know what you mean about being self-conscious. I think that comes from the doubts we have about our partners true acceptance. In a perfect world we'd be so self confident that it wouldn't matter what he thinks or says, but that's not the world we live in. You are already displaying a lot of courage to be yourself and now, understandably, you're looking for support. Perhaps in one of your talks with him, ask him more about what's going on for him. What support and affirmation does he need? Maybe by supporting him some of his urges to comment on your longer hair or old clothes will diminish. I hope so for your sake. Be well, Emma

Hi Michael, I'm sure you've heard the term "gender euphoria." I feel it when I get closer to my femininity, whether it's through clothing or opening up with others about my true self. But clothing is very tactile and visual, and with it we can express ourselves to others in a wonderful way. So that's why I also feel clothing can be addictive. You're to be congratulated, I think, that you're so comfortable in your skin and clothing that to wear anything else causes you stress and anxiety. And while you may have to lie to stay true to yourself you're actually being truthful, to yourself, which is the best way to be, I think. Be well, Emma

Dear Warren, You're a great brother to your sister there's no doubt of that. And I can imagine (I don't have siblings) how you might worry that as a brother some of what you used to do as sisters may not be appropriate. Honestly, I think it's all okay, what you did before and what you're doing now. You are FAMILY and it's okay to show it, with hugs, naps, and pinch and giggles. We all hear how men are supposed to suppress their feelings, and most do. I know that for me, suppressing everything just leads to sadness and heartache. So don't suppress yours. And good for you on your therapist appointment! The first few visits can be a little awkward as you each learn about each other and build safety and trust. So give it time. It's a wonderful feeling to have a place you can go to that is safe and you can talk about anything and everything without judgement and with full support. I love your photo! Best, Emma

The documentary Just Gender has a short clip from a Barbara Walters 20/20 episode titled "My Secret Self: A Story of Transgender Children." You can (and I believe should) watch it here: One scene shows an 11-year old transgirl, Riley, with Barbara Walters. Riley is fully a girl on the outside and attends school as a girl although she must use the nurse's restroom. The school and students know she is biologically male and she is the brunt of childish teasing. When Barbara asks her how she feels when she's teased, her face crumples into such profound sadness and she starts crying. That touched me so deeply, from within my core. I just started crying too as I am starting to do now as I remember it. Elsewhere in the program, Barbara interviews the parents and their trans daughter, Jazz. Jazz's mother said "all of the younger male-to-female younger transgender children are obsessed with mermaids." Geez, I was too. I studied them in the movies, books, and cartoons so thoroughly. I really wanted to be a mermaid. While I found Just Gender to be extraordinary in its scope and depth, and I recommend it highly, this 20/20 program brought it all home for me. I really am transgender and always have been. It's not a phase, it's not sexual, it just is what it is, which is me. It helps me to talk about these topics here and I hope it will help others, too. I considered sharing some of my other pre-pubescent fantasies here to underscore this but I think you get the point. I really wanted to be a girl. Emma Photo: Just outside Cape Town, South Africa is a marvelous bird sanctuary called World of Birds. It spans acres and has thousands of birds. It's fenced in with mesh (the height is maybe forty or fifty feet above the ground) so visitors just wander through. I don't know what this bird is called but it's very pretty, isn't it?

Agreed. Like you're staring up at the opening of a biga** hole in the ground and everyone's just walking by like "Meh, look at that. Pity." and walk on by. One thing I've learned about my dark, solemn, murky little hole in the world is that no, they dont hear you scream. No, they dont shine a light in here to see what it is. People fear the darkness of caverns. They dont want to know what's lurking inside. The only way to get them to stop tiptoeing away from you, is to climb out on your own. Shove your hands in the dirt and claw your way to the surface, even if it's just for a moment to get a bit of light, let them see your face and realize you're not that bad, before dropping back down into your solitary confinement. Because they've gotten that glimpse. They've seen your face, and they know what's lurking in the darkness of that hole. It gives them more of a reason to poke their heads in and wonder what's going on. Just my two cents, you can take it and ask for change, or leave the pennies on the sidewalk. -Warren

Hi Sara, Thankfully I have a great therapist. The best I've ever had, and he's helped me tremendously. And no, I don't mind your asking at all, and thank you for your interest. Regardless of having a great therapist I'm of course often thinking about things, and I've found that posting on this blog has helped me sort things out. When I started writing this one I really didn't know what the end was going to be. But as I reached the last paragraph the end became more obvious. I think it's worth posting because I really do like hearing feedback and ideas. It feels good to feel like I'm in a friendly community like TG Guide. And I also hope that others may find my writing helpful because they're going through similar issues. Thanks so much for your kind words and wishes. I wish you only the best as well. Sincerely, Emma

Hi Emma, If you don't mind me asking, have you talked to a therapist or psychologist who deals with gender issues? Obviously, everyone is different (as are their circumstances), but I personally feel that this has helped me a great deal. Just something to consider... maybe others will share their opinions or experiences on this topic, too. I wish you peace and happiness in whereever your journey takes you. Best, -Sara

This person in particular seems to have been singling me out ever since I were hired there, and has even been caught in lies about me saying I did something that I didnt. Or claiming I didnt clean something when I did. On one occasion, I had used the large grill but weren't sure how to clean it. When I asked for him to show me, he said "I'll take care of it, dont worry about it" So I didnt, I went home. Next day, I got in trouble for "leaving the grill filthy"....He told Chef that I didnt clean it, didnt want to clean it, and left it so I could go home. He's a back stabbing ***. I just really need to find a different job.