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Showing content with the highest reputation on 11/22/2014 in all areas

  1. I'm not sure if this is a good idea to post. I don't like writing this because it's such a problem for me, it's a downer. But hey, maybe that's why they call it a "blog" so here goes. My wife was very upset at our last couples' therapy meeting, where I spelled out more details of my being transgender and asked for her support and offered some safe (to my mind) ways for us to explore and learn together. My hope was that she'd follow her heart and maybe through this exploration she'd gain knowledge that would help rationalize and conquer her fears. That fell flat. Last night she returned home after seeing her therapist and her psychiatrist, and told me that she was so upset that I am transexual. I told her no, I don't have current plans or forecast of changing my sex; that I'm transgender. We got into the definitions a bit, but TG is still scary since its definition includes TS. She told me that while she's not looking for divorce right now she needs space and distance, so I will stay in our guest room for the foreseeable future, which I did last night. While we moved around each other this morning I decided that I would not mope. While I felt entirely justified I also feel that if she's having to contend with that it would simply cloud things for her. Regardless, I'm not all sweetness and light but I did crack a couple of humorous plays on words that we both smiled at. When she left for work she gave me a quick kiss - which is more than last night. No "I love you" or hug, but it was something. She said we might "talk more" tonight and as I drove to the coffee shop I fretted a bit. What does "talk more" mean, exactly? What topics? What questions? What answers should I try to think through to be prepared? I tend to freeze up when I feel threatened in conversations like these, so I try to be prepared. I fear that my freezing (which translates into inability to answer a question cogently and right away) makes me look disingenuous or calculating, or at the least, we lose momentum in the conversation. I try to prepare. But it's hard to answer some questions even when I know the answers. I still find it hard to vocalize that I'm transgender. There, I said it. Please don't hate me. I even find it hard to convincingly say that I don't see myself as transexual. This is true as far as I know now, but in the future? Clearly, my crystal ball is cloudy. And what do I want right now from her? First and foremost, some big hugs and kisses. But also a stop to the Don't Ask Don't Tell policy which for us means that in no uncertain terms am I not allowed to show her any of my clothing or me in it. Not that that would be easy for me either. But the lack of acceptance (and disgust?) communicated by that directive hurts. A lot. I tend to display my soft underbelly, by communicating as openly as I can which includes listening carefully as if through that my wife and others will at least respect my vulnerability, and in their humanity will open up to me. That's getting harder to do these days. My therapist advises that I need to display leadership, bravery, calm. That through this my wife's anxieties will at least not be amplified and perhaps will even help settle them a bit. Well, there's little doubt that what I've done before hasn't worked so it makes sense to try something different. Repeating the same things that haven't worked and expecting a different outcome is the definition of crazy, no? I am a good person. Created in God's image. Struggling to find and be myself while not tearing my life apart. I trust that my wife sees this too, that she loves me, and wants to find a way for all this to work out. I think I also need to believe that she's also embroiled in her own panic mode which makes it hard for her to communicate too. I trust that our therapists will help us navigate these choppy waters. Without trust, what is there? Emma
    2 points
  2. 11/20/2014 I had a better day than the rest of the week. I definitely felt more connected to being male. So, what I noticed when I was younger, was that stress would trigger feelings of wanting to dress or be female. But lately, it is the opposite. When I feel stress, I want to retreat to my male role. In my mind, being female increases the stress level. And I think that it is because I am seriously considering a transition. Anyways, I did have some big stressors that triggered this reaction. But the next day, I came through with flying colors. I did get in touch with the therapist. She had an opening on Friday and I took it. I also RSVP'd to the MAGIC meeting in Falls Church, VA on Friday (11/21) F 2.5 M 1.5 11/21/2014 I had my first therapy session with some recommendations. One is that I need to get out more dressed to express myself. This could be support groups with other TGs or other social settings. Or it can be non-tg settings, in order to help me understand or acclimate in my potentially new role. I was happy with my therapist given it was a first session. Then I went to a transgender support meeting. That was interesting. Several people attended. I did not talk, only listened. There was a lot to digest. I will be thinking about that meeting probably until the next meeting. I went with a feminine look. I definitely stood out. I knew that I would, but was happy. I am extremely introverted, but have been coming out of my shell lately. I wanted to feel feminine and sexy. I'm sure I overdid it. But that is okay! F 3.5 M 1.5 --Lisa
    2 points
  3. Emma, this post really struck a chord with me. I'm so sorry that you are experiencing these troubles; unfortunately, they are by no means uncommon. (This is really the only reason that I am still closeted, even though I *know* that has to change.) I really hope everything works out with your wife, and you can move forward together. The bad news is, from everything I've read, the number of marriages that survive this is exceedingly low. (I forget the exact number, but I believe it was less than 25%; possibly much less?) Sadly, the odds are not in our favour. Wishing you the best, -Sara
    2 points
  4. Hello Kerig, I like it that you are sharing with us instead of trying to kick down a door, fight someone, or hurt yourself. Much better to vent here and wait to see your therapist. Perhaps also start a personal diary/journal to jot your thoughts down? Only write 1-2 pages/day, so it's no big deal. Helps me a lot! About replying to messages: when you hit the Reply button it copies the text from the previous message into your editor so you can highlight stuff if you want to, and delete the rest. It's handy but you don't have to use it. Instead, just scroll to the bottom of the message(s) and you'll see an editor box waiting for you to type into. Like I'm doing now. When you're finished, just click on "Add Comment." About shaving: I have a lighter beard but I have to shave every day. My wife kind of likes it when I grow it out a little but I don't care for it, and it's my face, right? Isn't it funny how MTFs and FTMs are so opposite. You'd love to have a beard and the downstairs "floppy bits" and I'd love to have breasts and a nice clean face. Take care, Emma
    2 points
  5. So it has been a interesting couple of days. some of it pretty good I mean I was suprised when I went into a corwed room of people I never knew had to give them my real full name and the lady and everybody still was calling me sir and him. People are probley really dumb or I look that good xD. And then again to day. This guy came to pick up our broken washer and he was doing the same. Really helps my confindce. Had a little hard time the other day helping my girlfriends family cover there RV. Her mom and dad get it now but her grandparents still say she and I dont say nothing cause there old but it bugs me sometimes. even her dad says things not even realizing it and its way harder when it comes from him. They all treat her sisters boyfriends way different then me and it gets to me because for one there all jerks and two i like all the stuff they do but not once do I ever get taken on a guys trip kinda lame. And the Bad. My sister's piece of crap husband put his hands on her while she was holding her 1 month old. Now we have her my nephew and niece here. And its ok litttle hard not used to having a baby and my nephew is cool. He actually is like why cant you just be a guy you should be. He just turned 8. I'm so full of rage. I punched myself in the face last night not to bad been worse. I just needed to do something all that crap in my head, first time being alone with the baby, my girlfriend was leaving for work at a later time so it was wierd. I just want to go up there and break the door in and see how much he likes it. I know this is stuff for my theripst but thats not till the 2 and I really think I should call or something. but I need to get it off my chest and I know you guys wouldnt judge. Oh question how do I repley to messages? I pushed repley and it had the person message but I wasnt sure if i was supposed to erase it and then write or what. Kind of confused me so I will get back to you guys might take a bit. Whats your guys take on no shave November? My buddy came over and was like it sucks and I'm just thinking to myself I wish I could do it love to have one my girlfriend wouldnt she doesnt even like my little hairs that i do have lol told me once that if I do grow one shes gonna shave it while I sleep told her I was gonna shave her eyebrow lol. It does suck though because its almost an autonomic out atleast in this town everybody has one even some of the bigger burley ladies do xD Sorry for the spelling and grammer I have learning disabiltys and my dictionary isnt here lol so this is what you get today Later
    1 point
  6. I wish it was halloween every day. I like candy just as much as the next guy.. but that's not why I want it. What other time throughout the entire year do I get to wear a top hat, and use a cane to cover the fact that I may have just a wee bit of fatitude attached to my physical body, and some of it still mildly yet inappropriately resembles female breasts? When I ask you? When? This is something a lot of trans men come into contact with.. Boobs, but I don't necessarily mean the ones attached to their chests. I mean the ones that they come in contact with on a daily basis. There are the boobs that are trying to be funny when they incorrectly address a trans man as "ma'am or her or she" and nervously try to pull out faster than a kid who suddenly decides fatherhood may really NOT be his calling... and then there are the defiant boobs who systematically tell you and the people around you "Well I think it's just sick and wrong that you think you want to be a boy when you ain't got no boy parts". Those people often lack the parts that other civilized humans need to survive sans chaos and trauma drama.. and we don't make fun of them... much. There are the boobs who didn't start out as boobs, they were just super nice people who thankfully didn't realize at first that you are a trans man because you pass so well, but as soon as they found out that your silly little birth genitals don't or didn't fit your gender, they 'slip' constantly with "She" or "Her" or the 'sister-friend' comment, when once they were high fiving you and calling you 'Bro'. How many times will you hear "I just forget," or "Sorry I can't wrap my head around it." How does "I never knew before and I was cool with you once" turn into "I never knew before and I was cool with you until you made me uncomfortable because now I have to deal with this in my own little bigoted head." this is the oob I will NEVER understand. Everytime this happens, it never fails that the boob I am dealing with chooses to focus on my chest. Trying to get a glimpse to disprove my claim of manhood, maybe catch a little oversized under-muscled bump or two? I make sure to correct every wrong assumption or accusation with a curt "Her" or "Sir" or "Mister" and when they realize they have been called out on their ignorance their reasoning sounds exactly like "Oh, I'm sorry, I have just had one of those days" and "My head is all over the place, I have just been doing that all day to people,..." Doing what all day to people exactly? Calling Sweet Mrs. Jenkins from down the road "Mister?" or Old cantankerous Mr. Dowdy at the Library "Miss?" Hardly. Next time you catch the culprits prying eyes focusing on your most manly of chesty chests, feel free to let them know that 'Salem Already inspected them for you. They are Man boobs, now, move along". My job here is done. You're welcome. Be free, and I love you.
    1 point
  7. I hate boobs. Of any variety. Well, except the ones attached to the ladies... but I digress and this is not the place for that discussion! Welcome to TGG... -Michael
    1 point
  8. I'm sure this will not be something your wife will want to hear, but "transgender" is a term that has been used to just gather all of us into one big happy family. It includes crossdressers, transsexuals, gender-fluid, gender outlaws, androgynous, etc., etc., etc. It's my understanding the term was originally coined because it sounded better than "transsexual." But technically, anyone who has identified with the opposite sex, whether they've come out to anyone or not, whether they are able to transition or not, whether they are able to under-go gender-confirming surgery or not, is transsexual. And to the best of my knowledge, there is nothing that says if a person chooses not to transition, that that makes them not transsexual. I suppose however, that for the time it's fine to tell her you are "just transgender." But I can't help but think this is sorta like some guys who tell people they are lesbians, and then when they finally do tell someone they are really trans (FTM), it's like people totally Sybil-out on them. Just sorta seems like it's worse coming out "the second time around." -Michael
    1 point
  9. I'm feeling similarly about feeling a desire to wear my feminine clothing. When I'm stressed - particularly regarding my wife - I lose desire and am comfortable in my male clothing. I guess it's a retreat to safety. But it's a retreat nonetheless. Emma
    1 point
  10. I lost my girlish figure about a year and a half ago. I am hoping to slowly bring it back. But with the winter coming, it will be hard! Happy Thanksgiving to you too! --Lisa
    1 point
  11. Thank you Michael. Theres alot on this site and its over whelming. Thanks Warren. what is this blog button you speak of? still trying to figure everything out and it I figure out how to write a meassege Ill take you up on that. Ive had facebook for 3 years barley know how to work that lol
    1 point
  12. Hi Salem, I can hear the humor in your writing and it brings a smile to my face! Hope you continue to post more here. It's a good place and fantastic community. Emma
    1 point
  13. Dear Lisa, I think you're wise to slowly let the word out, and to start with your wife and family. I wish you the very best Thanksgiving ever! But don't eat too much. We have to pay attention to our girlish figures! :-) Take care, Emma
    1 point
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