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I am confused. Now, as a cranky old guy I admit there are things I may never understand. This is something that I understand even less than anything else. Scenario 1. Pamela decides to transition. and becomes Paul and then decides he is gay. So after many years of painful surgery, Paul decides to dress in clothing that is not unlike clothing that his female counterpart would wear, and begins to wear makeup again. Paul is convinced that he is no longer gay, but pansexual. Paul is also deciding that he wants to look more like Russel Brand and thus begins referring to himself as "The female Russel Brand" . Paul also makes remarks about himself (such as reacting to a spider in a very lady like manner of screeching and crying) that it is his "Girl side coming out..don't judge" Paul is a real person... and I come across similar, though not so drastic situations every week with young transmen. "I'm a transman, but I am gay" or "WHen I transition I am going to F*** everything that walks" and still "WHen I have a dick, I am going to be so strong." My all time personal favorite to hate is: "My boyfriend and I are going to be together and get married even after I transition. We'll get married and have kids" so I asked "How? How will you have kids?" His response was "Well in about ten years when I am ready for kids I will just stop taking T and just be a mom." Are you @($*%&(* kidding me? Now first of all........ Trans is about gender... not genitals. while I am sure It is convenient to have matching parts, it is not the 'thing' that makes one a trans person. When did being transgender become about sex? It seems to me that way too many people are misguided in thinking that there is somehow some magical happening when they begin to take hormones. Well there is, but I don't think it works the way that some of these kids think it does. You can't just STOP being a trans person. You can't just STOP taking hormones and revert back to your old self. You can't just STOP and expect people to have any respect for other trans people who are truly struggling to do everyday things like.. staying alive! So lets address those things: 1. You can't just STOP being a trans person. Hard to believe as it may seem- being trans isn't an option. It's who we are born or made to be. (yes yes that whole last sentence is a controversy all its own.. we will talk about that in a different post.) Being a trans person is something that maybe hundreds of thousands of people deal with every day. NO ONE voluntarily says: "I think I will dress in the opposite sex's clothing and claim to be something I am not because I am so sick and tired of being accepted. I truly want to be shunned, ostracized from my own family, hated by the moral majority, stared at in public, possibly hurt or killed by bigots!! OOOH WHAT FUN! WHEN DO WE GET STARTED?" We are who we are. It is a fact. To 'stop' being a trans person, means that we either had to sell out and sacrifice our identities for something big.. and I mean huge! or you never were. Yeah, I think it is that simple. I am a very public person, and because of this I have access to peoples lives that most other people don't. I ask questions that most people wouldn't dare. I get away with it because I do it on stage. The result is phenomenal. The result is -no person who is sincerely trans would ever utter phrases like the real ones I listed above. For most of us, transitioning is the one action that saved us from suicide. 2. You can't just STOP taking hormones and revert back to your old self. Now I am not sure what taking hormones does for trans women.. besides the obvious.. breasts, emotions heightened.. possibly a softening of the skin and weakening of lean muscles. For a transguy, it is completely different. For me, and for my friend Paul, and most other trans guys I know, the first thing to happen is a change in temperament. Paul and a lot of the other guys I know turned into dick-heads. They became mouthy, crude, more insensitive to women's issues. They started toning up, and working out. Their voices deepened, and their skin, especially in their faces became more rough. That was after the immense amount of acne on their back chest and face. For me, almost the opposite happened. At the age of 40 I got acne for the first time in my life. My voice is so deep now that my Choir-Master has to rewrite the baritone parts for me and make them deeper and with a smaller range. I used to be a second soprano. Now I am almost off the charts, but I have a very limited range of depth. My face is rough and yes, I am finally, after four years starting to get facial hair. I'm native American, so I was prepared for this laid back attitude that the follicles were going to undoubtedly display.. If hair could talk mine would say "Hey man... don't worry about it.. we'll fix your face when we fix the fence.. right after bingo... sometime.. oh after the Pow-Wow". Its finally happening at 44 and three quarters years old.... I didn't get 'cut' or built like a greek god' unless you can find a five foot Indian and mexican god with a love for plain latte's and a dislike for exercising 'god' like figure... then nope.. not me. I'm a fat guy. Meh... What I didn't expect, and what others didn't expect is what Testosterone injections did to my behaviour. After reading article after article, my 21 year old daughter moved out just two weeks before I took T for the first time. The underlying theme was "The female who takes testosterone will most likely experience a rise in aggression and anger, undoubtedly, anywhere from one to three months to a permanent change in behaviour." She wan't having any of that. I was already so angry that I threw things at the walls to release that anger.. and I may have been sort of a profanity spewer. Maybe just a little. What testosterone did for me was to balance me out. I no longer have anger issues. None. I get angry and have found that because my hormones are in check, I can express "I am angry" verbally without losing my cool. It is sort of a miracle thing that happened.. no one is afraid to talk to me any more. I am told that I am an anomaly in this matter. I am self confident where as I never was before. I've stopped paying for maid service. I do it all myself now. I have physical strength and stamina that I never had before. I have learned to compartmentalize things like you wouldn't believe. ? WHen my girlfriend asks me "What are you thinking What's on your mind" Ladies... it is not a joke.. there is NOTHING there. Believe your men.. they aint lyin sistah!!! There is no downside to this. part of transitioning. The point is, I have named only a very few of the physical, mental, chemical and emotional changes of taking hormones I wasn't born with. A trans mans voice will never return. If I stop taking injections, I will never be a second soprano again. I will never have soft skin again, and while I don't personally have to worry about a whole lot of hair growth that I would have to lazer and wax off, I did find my first chest hair the other day.... dammitt if it wasn't silver. You can't just 'go back'. If you even think that for a moment, you probably aren't trans to begin with and what you need is not hormones, but deep psychological help to get to the root of your issues. It's nothing to be ashamed of.. its just a fact. 3. You can't just STOP and expect people to have any respect for other trans people who are truly struggling to do everyday things like.. staying alive! In 2013 I had the privilege of speaking at Boise's TDOR (Transgender day of remembrance) memorial event. TDOR is something that we don't celebrate, but instead, we mourn. Every year people are beaten and murdered for being trans. I took this next bit from TVTP IDAHO; A website that tracks transgender violence. I will put the link below. as well Tragically, the level of youth being murdered in the four months of 2014 has been astounding. 8 year old boy beaten to death by father for being trans* 14 year old strangled to death and stuffed under a bed Two 16 year olds were shot to death Three 18 year olds stabbed to death, dismembered, or shot Two 18 year olds murdered with no details being reported An 18 year old suffered two violent attacks by a mob and survived Please tell me.. on what freakin planet is it ever ok to hurt a child? But to beat one to death because he is transgender? This is not a society that is kind to trans people. This is not a society that will ever fully accept trans people. This society is still so full of Good Old Boys that still thinks it is perfectly acceptable to publically humiliate other people. One cannot just 'stop' with out some backlash to the rest of us. Now I am a big guy. I am not fragile. I am not afraid of what someone can say to me privately or publicly. II would be a damned fool though if I ever thought or stated that I am not afraid of what someone could DO to me. Not just no, but hell no. If it hurts, I don't want it to happen to me. I am just that crazy about the welfare of my body. To be honest, I am just crazy enough, filled with enough love and compassion for you too.. Personal safety is a huge issue with trans people. Those people who have or think they can "Just quit" (I repeat) are not trans to begin with and have bigger issues than hormones can fix. The other safety that is maybe even more life threatening is the real risk of suicide. This year I lost two people to suicide. One jumped off a building in Boise. The other just passed a few weeks ago. They were painfully saddened, and lonely people who felt that there was no other way for them to live.. so.. they ended it. In the past twenty years I need all ten fingers and eight toes to count the suicides of people I have loved. Trans people are not immune to rejection. The words that others speak to us are hurtful, painful, damaging and yes they can even be life threatening. I started by saying I am confused.... Young trans brothers and sisters, transitioning is not something to e taken lightly. This is a lifetime decision.. For a lot of you, certainly for my young friends Paul and Peter (yes those are their real names) it a community.. it was a lot of excitement to belong to a community that would give them privilege (the male community) and what they believed to be better access to jobs, sex, and self worth... but they aren't really as happy and secure as they thought they would be. Peter now knows that his voice change is permanent. Take as much time as you can to make the decision to transition. Think every single aspect through. If you are reading this and are just so excited to get started that you don't have time to do your homework fully and completely on the changes of changing... then I would say you are not ready, for what ever reason. THIS is a decision that will affect the rest of your lives. Know what you are doing. It's a reasonable thing to ask of you. Paul believes that he will be just fine wearing makeup and lacey things with his beard and that the world will just accept him as he is. Maybe.. but doubtful. I am just speaking honestly. Peter still thinks he can quit and have babies in another 8 years. Paul.. told me not to judge. I won't. As for myself.. I can tell you, I went through two years of tears and anguish when the only thing that had given me any comfort in this world through all my personal struggles and the deaths of my brother and friends was gone.. my voice. I will never sing well again. I'm in the college choir because singing is all I have ever known. There are a lot of other things that I wanted to write, but don't have time to cover here. Being trans isn't like the latest fashion trend or smoking cigarettes. You can't just quit.. If you think you can, you are more confused and disturbed than I am.

I have thought for some time now that my female voice was decent and will take voice lessons in the spring. Well today I was surfing through some videos online for after GRS thoughts and decided to click on one that was about male to female voice exercises. The person said to get Pitch Lab and work on keeping your voice between B flat and C sharp. I looked at the app, it’s free so I downloaded it. Afterwards upon opening it up there are a ton on in-app purchases but no need, the part I needed is free. So I try it out, I pretty much nailed the acceptable range woohoo. Even though I nailed it I know there is still work to be done but happy to know I am on the right track. Back in 2008 when meeting with a doctor for hormones (did not start then until last November even though she approved me) she indicated that my voice did not need much work and should be easy to have a very good female voice with practice. I think the main obstacle is the need to change back and forth but not after my surgery. We all know you can look female but when our mouth opens and the female voice is not there all is lost. Don’t know about anyone else but IMHO you need to work on it. There are times I will warm up by saying meow, each time raising my voice to what I think is acceptable. I learned this from a u tube video.

My thing when younger was playing in a band along with recording original music in a home studio. I pretty much gave it up for a few decades but kept the guitars and about two years ago started back up again with a completely new studio trading in things like reel to reel for digital recorder. I use to tune by ear but thru the years I now use a snark tuner.

Yes it is a guitar tuner but as in note the woman has no clue about the real purpose of the app. I am a musician and have many tuners which all attach to the head stock of the guitar which works off vibrations. My guess is the woman found out via some other source.

Karen, congratulations on pretty much having your voice ready. I agree that it's so important, and have thought I might someday go see a coach. I am downloading Pitch Lab and was surprised to see it's mainly a guitar tuner. By any chance do you have a link to the video that recommended it?

Thank you for writing and posting this. It helps me and I believe it will help others. I mean that. Emma

I find myself in a situation over and over where a transgender person will seek encouragement and advice from me. I love to help people when I can but this is a time when I'm very torn. I want to give hope and encouragement to the person at the other end that I know needs it so much. I know I needed it very badly when I started out and still do at times. However, my outlook on transitioning is a bit sad and dark. Its a tough life for most at best. I've seen so much sadness. I've listened to and cried with so many girls like me. I cant help but wanting to say don't do it if you have a choice. It's a giant commitment and in many ways something you cant undo. I fought my transition like hell for years then finally decided to kill myself because I could not reason my way past it any longer. I knew just how rough my life would become if I gave in this powerful need that was completely overwhelming me. I was so mad at myself because I truly believed I could use my mind to over come anything. I went to Transgendered meetings and saw a counselor for over a year before I started my transition. I listened to one story after another about people losing entire families and losing everything they owned. Being forced out of longtime careers and often while losing any support system they had before setting out on this grand adventure. Transgender people tend to be very intelligent and often have really good jobs before they start out. Sitting in a room across from a TS (transsexual) that had a big house, great career, loving family and then was left with nothing will make anyone think twice about following in their footsteps. Hearing about the family they were always so close to, that now won't even speak to them any more. It was quiet sobering but all normal stories in T-World as I call it. We come from all walks of life and back grounds but we share one thing in common, for social rights and acceptance we are the last to the table. Only because of our alarming rates of being murdered, suicide , beatings and discrimination that we are being discussed on any level( and awesome men and women that are fighting the good fight). Before I went full time living as a woman, I loved getting out of the house and talking with people. I have always clicked well with complete strangers and have had many wonderful conversations over the years. Now that has all changed, lots of people smile and are friendly but they no longer open up to me like they did before. The first few years of my transition, I had panic attacks just trying to go a few blocks to the post office because you never know when someone was going to go off on you. It might just be them laughing a sort of fake laugh very loudly, trying to make you feel completely stupid or very uncomfortable. Many times its a verbal attack with an intense level of hate and loathing you would never expect from a complete stranger. I have never had a single stranger stick up for me while all that was going on. The general look I get from others watching them be mean to me was a look like, "What did you expect when you left the house looking like that?" Many times I have been in a situation where one or more men wanted to beat me up and for no other reason then me breathing really pissed them off. Standing in line in a store with some large, tough looking guy, whos only two feet away from you, that is so upset by your presence his hands are shacking is a trip. I've been in moments like that over and over again. When its a few angry men standing together it gets really scary. People cry over the nation anthem, as I have at times, and then piss all over your freedoms without a second thought, like the freedom to just live our daily lives in peace. They all expect this freedom but some refuse to let us have ours. It reminds me of a line from one of my favorite movies, "How can someone say they love America but clearly hate Americans?" (The American President). My mind and my heart told me this was the right thing for me. I did however seek help from professionals before moving forward as should anyone stuck in this difficult situation. I truly believe I was faced with three very bad choices. One was to keep fighting a battle that just kept getting worse and was tearing me up inside. Two was to kill myself, ending all the pain and fear. Three was to just give in to something that I knew was going to undo my life on many levels and did. I was physically sick the last two years I fought my transition. A saw few doctors because of it and took many different pills, all for my tummy and my stress. I could not sleep, it was hard to eat and was very painful most the time but all went away the same day I decided to give in. I never thought I could not reason my way past it until I was sitting in a bathtub, surrounded by candles with a razor blade in my hand. I had a family at the time, a wife and 4 kids so I decided it was not really an option to do that to them. A week before that, a friend had told me once you have kids, its no longer your right to kill yourself. Its never a good choice whither you have kids or not but I decided she was right. She also said if I killed myself I could teach my kids to do that as well, if things got tough for them later on. That made a lot of sense to me and they were, and are, far more important to me then any fears I had about my future. The next day I told my wife what I almost did and what I was about to do. She said, "Its about time, you were meant to be a woman," but then asked for a divorce saying, "But I'm not a lesbian." I too ended up losing everything I had except for the love of my family and friends. I was very, very lucky compared to many others I know. The thing I find to be the hardest part of all this now, is how hard it is to find and keep work. This makes us as a group very unbalanced, causing a dark side to surround T-World from us just trying to get by. It forces many of us to become sex workers, doing porn or risking everything once again but this time out on the dangerous streets. HIV is very, very high for transexuals in some of the major cities. I have never slipped into all this but I have been tempted more then once--having no food can make your mind go into places you never thought it would ever go. Discrimination is everywhere we go. Whither its work, housing or even just working with the government trying to get some kind of assistance. The church I went to would never have me now and the party I voted for before openly works against me. I had to leave school, over the bathrooms of all things, because some women refused to share one with me. I was assured I could use the women's student bathroom, when I asked, before signing the contract. It took me years of waiting and jumping through hoops to get in that school. I was in school for about four months before it came to a head but it started right off on the very first day. At the end they gave me the choice to use a mens room with no locks in a part of school that was dark because it was an area not used at night. I explaned how dangerous it was for someone like me but was still told to use it our leave school...not much of a choice. I was the top of my class (99% GPA) and well liked but that did not save me for the complete embarrassment of it all and of course the huge disappointment that followed. Its a hell of a ride and before you just jump right in make sure you need it more then everything else in your life because everything else just might not be around if you do. Whatever you do, don't hurt yourself. DON'T hurt yourself! Get help. See a psychiatrist. You can see why I try to hold my tongue when asked for advice. I don't want to take the joy out of something that has been for me, so wonderful and fulfilling on so many different levels. However, I could never advise anyone on this huge life changing choice without sharing the likely costs. Some do very well and things go fine I'm told, although I'm not sure I know anyone that fits that description over the first few years. I've had a few girls say it was going perfect with little to no problems in the very beginning but then later I had them tell me everything had changed for the worse. Starting younger helps I think but the average person starts off at fourty, last I heard. I started hormones and went full time at fourty. When I moved to the inner city, it helped a lot. I did not realize how much I lived in fear until I move to LA around people that, for the most part, just did not care either way. It's a bit colorful in LA and your just another flavor there. If one of my choices was to not do this and not have the fight that was raging inside me, I would have choose that hands down to keep my kids living with me. Only you know if you have a choice. I cant help you there but there are others that can, again seek help. I do of course wish you all the best in what ever you do. Try to remember fear will make you stand out and that is not a good thing. If you do finely do it, don't hold back. You will be on the high dive over the deep end so, if you jump, do it with conviction. I can't stress enough the need to seek help before you start, not after. Don't take hormones on your own, you can hurt or even kill yourself. You should be sure about each step and think each part of it through, clearly and carefully. Its my right as a free American to pursue my happiness. The least we can expect from life and ourselves, is to be ourselves, if we lose that we really have lost everything. Its not our fault its so hard, we are not the problem. We are doing nothing wrong pursuing this difficult goal. Its a freedom few would say we should not have. Even most of those who make everyday life so hard for us would not say it should not be part of our freedoms. If your reading this and your upset by the subject remember if you believe its my right to do this then don't be mean to me. If you believe it should be a freedom remember you steal a bit of my freedom every time I decide not to go to a birthday party, or decide not to go to a movie and so on because the last time someone went off on me. That is hardly living free. I hear them say now and then that free speech gives them the right to say the awful things they sometimes do...sure it is. Its not socially acceptable to say whatever we are thinking and whenever at any cost. If you don't like dogs you don't go around telling off dog owners. If you don't like coffee you don't get to walk into a coffee shop and start yelling at everyone in it. That is not a freedom any decent or sane person would expect. My perspective is from ten years of chatting with TG's and TS's. Countless chats with girls like me. I went to the TG club's in LA for many years and met a lot of others just like me. I had two years of group meeting and saw a few shrinks on the matter over the years as well. I've read a lot on it and thought a lot about it of course. I know this subject very well. I have lived full time and on hormones since 7-22-2003 and before I went full time, I was close to full time for a few more years. I really love being the woman I always wanted to be, in that light it has truly been a wonderful experience. I've seen a side of life few could ever understand without going through it themselves. It has not all been bad, far from it, just hard. If you learn to let the little things go by the bigger stuff will not take such a toll on you. Learn to forgive. Most the people that pick on us are not bad people at all, just very confused. I have won over a few tough cases and became their friends over time. I just went to a St. Patrick's Day party thrown by a couple that really hated me when we first met, I even thought the husband was going to hit me. Try to remember its mostly just a knee jerk reaction and I bet most feel bad later. If you stick to the high road and not be rude back, then you will have clearly won. If I can, I just act super nice and sweet, its not that big of a stretch, and some feel bad right off. This takes a lot of will power because its easy to get angry about so much. Try your best to just let it go and don't dwell on them later--don't give that power over you. My goal here was to say some of the things I needed to hear when I was so lost and scared, first starting out. This was not meant to scare anyone off that was really meant to be a transsexual. Reality sets in fast when you jump and I'm hoping that you knowing the water is a bit cold at first will make it less of a shock. Its also a warning to those who just want it and don't need it, be careful what you wish for. (An update 12/6/08) I moved back to the area where I fled in fear, for good reason, a few years ago. I'm just coming up on a year and its going very, very well so far. No one picks on me or has been openly mean to me. I still get some unfriendly people but compared to the not so distant past, its only an minor annoyance. I have a part-time job on the weekends and school during the week to get certified as an Administrative Assistant. There was a time when I never thought my life could move forward being a TS. I would have swore the two were completely incompatible, but learned if you don't give in to fear and just press forward, they can come together. It takes a while to learn to walk the walk and talk the talk. Now that I'm more relaxed and more passable the daily hate no longer follows me around. I've heard again and again that passing is 80% in your head and 20% is your presentation. My advice is just feel your way though and let your inner-self out, without over analyzing everything or worrying about what others think. It did get a lot better for me and is likely to get better for you if you can just survive the valleys and the painfully awkward beginning. I meant every word of this with love and from my heart to everyone who is lost and confused at the beginning of this large and strange maze we call transitioning. We are moving forward and transitioning has become for more user friendly. Our attempted suicide rates are still so high there is not a close second among any other group. Those that do succeed are far to many--and again, higher then any other group. Seek help and don’t let fear wipe you out. Change is coming and I know if you stick around for it, you will love what you find. Your friend Lisa Eve ( 12-15-09 My next progress report. ) Life is better now then ever. I finished school and got my certs. My novel is now out and seems to be doing well. I got a new job a few months back and really like it. My supervisor wanted me to dress gender neutral on the job--in other words, not dress like a woman. She would have had an easier time asking me not to breathe at work. I still don’t see the kids very much and that makes me very sad at times. But over all life has been very good to me. I don’t ever get picked on. Most people don’t know I’m a TS, but when they do, everyone has been great about it--other then my pinhead supervisor. Things are changing for the better in the way the public, in general, deals with exotic creatures like us. I gave a speech on the Transgender Day of Remembrance (11-20-09). It reminded me its still not a safe world for us. We lose about two a week to being murdered--in the Americas and Europe. In the USA, our safe zones are getting larger and more and more places are becoming far less dangerous. Being safe and smart goes a long way. Its 2014 and a lot has happened between now and my last update. I got a bad kidney infection and had to stop my hormones. That lasted from 2009 to 2011. Kept going to emergency rooms and not getting any help...its all better now. Not being on hormones had an effect on me passing--as well as just being beat down for so long. When I stopped passing again the hate followed and I was not up to all that so in Nov of 2012 I went back to living as a guy. I also wanted to meet someone and start a relationship. Being a TS and meeting the right someone was not working for me. I went on countless dates, most turned out to be married, or I would be asked to get married in the first few dates. There was a lot of awful stuff, some really awful so I gave up on looking and dating--its been about 7 years since I dated. Going back to living as a guy was just jumping out of the pan and into the fire. My legal name is Lisa Eve and I have a F on my drivers lic. My body is still very female with breast and hips. So I'm trying to get back to living as a woman fulltime but I gave away all my clothes etc. I don't even have makeup. My family does not want me to go back because for how mean so many people were to me. That job I mention I lost with them just making up something to get rid of me...and it worked even though everyone knew. Don't get me wrong I'm super happy now and at peace. I don't stress anything these days. But I do want to get back to the home lost deep in my heart.