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Hello everyone, I apologize deeply for being gone so long. Life has been a bit chaotic as of late, and with all the winter storms hitting us hard up here in the north, this become even more chaotic. You guys havent really missed too much, I'll be honest. Only things that have happened lately is that I didnt go to my therapy session today. I got a call from Joan at 7am this morning to call off our appointment due to road conditions and black ice, and she did want herself nor I to risk it. Though a part of me was relieved that I could crawl back into my bed with my boyfriend, another half of me felt like I really really wished she'd risked it. As bad of me as it is to want someone to risk their safety just so I can go and whine and be a crybaby, I couldnt help it. I've almost grown dependent on our weekly visits together. Otherwise, it wasnt too bad of a day. Classes for the students I cook for was cancelled due to the weather, though surprisingly I didnt get completely ambushed on serving either. Normally no classes means I get mauled to pieces by 2k students with nothing better to do than eat until they burst. But, again, with the weather, they didnt want to venture out of their dorms. THANK HEAVENS FOR THAT. After four inches of very stick snowballs raining from the skies, the weather turned another direction and instead hit 41F and turned to rain. Which, in turn, transformed the whole county into one giant slush pit. Yay.... But, with the bad comes the good, because they let us close down early and go home. Otherwise..I got bit my a spider o.o Sorting through grapes, and he just popped out and bit my hand. So as you can see, nothing too exciting has happened. I havent really heard much back about my estimate for the top surgery, so I'll have to call them now that I've found my cellphone. (Its only been missing about two weeks! Was in a coat pocket......derp.) My binders are starting to irritate me a little bit, and I might resort to a sports bra underneath it. Simply because after a while it doesnt do much, and simply makes it look like I am wearing no bra at all (technically im not but its not a good look either). I'm still looking into getting a REAL binder, though its tough for someone with my bust size. I'm open to suggestions if anyone has any, I'm not sure what I'm looking for. Trying to hint to the boyfriend that it can be a christmas gift, until I rethought the idea. I'd have to open gifts with the family.... With HIS family.... Bad idea to get a binder during christmas. Yikes! That's it for now, nothing much else. Tootles! Warren SIDENOTE: Why do girls talk to themselves so much in the bathroom!!? I go in the bathroom to hide and calm down my anxiety sometimes, and of course I have to use the girls bathroom, as much as I hate it. But everytime I'm in there, all the girls will whisper or mumble and talk to themselves! Its so weird! I'm not racist but I've noticed this habit ESPECIALLY with the spanish or nepali girls. Granted, it cracks me up when I'm hiding in there listening to them talk to themselves, but still.....rather strange.

It’s become clear to me recently that being transgender has been like living in a carefully constructed and maintained house of cards. Designed to protect me from discovery of my secret, my house has many rooms and no windows. Rooms are labeled with names like “How I’m supposed to be with people at work,” and “How I’m supposed to be with my wife,” and “How I’m supposed to be with friends.” Like any house of cards it’s prone to sudden collapse and needs continuous monitoring to detect any slippage before it crashes down. I’ve even had a house of cards with my therapists even as I knew that I needed to be fully transparent to help them help me out of depression, anxiety, and dysphoria. With my shame I was unable to do so and thought that my feelings could be treated separately without their (and my) full understanding of my psyche. I now know I was wrong, which led me to spending a lot of time and money, relationship problems, and stifled career progression for the past 40 years. Important safety tip: don’t follow in my footsteps if you can avoid it. It might help to provide a summary of the effects of living in my house of cards: Marriage - I was often hyper-sensitive to anything I interpreted as criticism, leading to my needing reassurance that I am okay. - Reduced sex drive due to my not being more true to my self as well as over-thinking innocent requests like, “Touch me here, this way.” - Anger and frustration when she came up with what I interpreted as more rules for me to live by, like being advised to not wave my hands when talking (looks effeminate, go figure), be sure to keep the washing machine’s lid raised when not in use to prevent odor, shake out washed clothes before putting them in the dryer. Oh great, more cards to add to my already-teetering house. - “I’m so tired” as my common phrase at most hours of the day. Who could blame me? Keeping my house from falling while doing my job or anything else with others is exhausting. Children - Always good at shaking the house, challenging the status quo, not listening or following through… and me, paranoid about being found out. I was so uptight, trying to control and direct instead of providing them with the warm comfort they expected. (My wife assures me I wasn’t that bad and was actually a good father. She's biased of course.) - Thank goodness I had two sons. I can’t imagine how tough it would have been for me (and them) if I’d had daughters. Career - Often unhappy and unfulfilled, threatened by senior management due to doubts I was really one of the boys. Trying to act the part, mostly succeeding, but at a huge cost to me. - Despite my competence, I communicated - more often than I should have - insecurity, fear, need of reassurance: not a promotion path. - Always the one who first thought of customer’s feelings over pragmatic business realities, leading to a fair amount of raised eyebrows. - Changed jobs a lot trying to find the “right one.” Do I still live in my house of cards? To some extent, yes, although many of the cards have been removed recently by my coming out to my wife and therapist. What a huge relief! But it still has to be maintained while I consider where/when/if I come out to others. At least, though, I finally have awareness that my house isn’t as unstable as I’d thought and for that matter I care a bit less about it these days. I still have an in-law apartment above the garage which I maintain to keep track of what I have not yet confided to my wife. I’m having trouble, for example, telling her that I am and will be buying more clothes and accessories, that I need to store and care for them, and that I’ll be getting some coaching on all this from TG community resources. Emma

Hahaha! Warren, you crack me up. I guess we'll give you a hall pass for this week with your therapist. Take care, stay warm. Emma

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens , bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens, brown paper packages tied up with strings , these are few of my favorite things . This song melody was from a 1965 American musical '' The Sound of Music '' staring Julie Andrews & Christopher Plummer directed an produced by Robert Wise . We are born in the way we are for sure . How much of what we were exposed to in our past lives has molded us into what we have become today . I was told so many times '' toughen up , toughen up , do not act like a girl. Now that I am on my own '' pink '' that girly color truly is becoming my favorite color . In the past I was taught to shy away from this color boys do not wear such things. I do like bright colorful things , flowers , butterflies , soft feeling things like lace , nylon , and satin . I like to go shopping . I remember going to department stores with my mother , I would love to hide in the ladies dress racks feeling those dresses against my skin. The sound of falling water is so peaceful , the oak forest whispering from a breeze is pleasing . How about music and dance . I like all kinds of music and I can dance for hours. I do like to smell like a girl ; before when I did not shave those underarms , well anyway........ that was not so pleasant. I like to change my look from time to time , before I always carried the same boyish image. I like kind people , and those not so kind , I know there is a smile in there someplace. With all these likes and there is plenty more. I wonder , how that I was raised to be so tough , that I am now living and experiencing those girly things that I do like. I should be like a Sylvester Stallon '' Rambo '' or something . '' The Sound of Music '' movie was such a great musical . I remember watching it several times . Julie Andrews to me is the epitome of a lady like classy lady , both in the movie and in real life. How much did watching that movie so many times influenced how I perceive how a women should be ? Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens brown paper packages tied up with strings '' These are a few of my favorite things . '' Be what ever you want to be , just love yourself that is what really counts.

This was an interesting week. Feelings of being female kind of just came and went as the tides do. Anyways, this week was tough. I work in DC and take the metro every day and see some nicely dressed women going to work each day. And once a week, I will see at least one person who is trans* going to work, who dresses appropriately and looks really nice (seeing them makes me really proud to be trans and I am proud of them as well - btw!). I had a follow up app't with my therapist today that she had to reschedule. That is fine. I am not in as much of a crisis anymore, more of in a daze lately, just "dealing with being male" and thinking about being female. It is rescheduled for 12/12 at 2 pm. I may go out with friends after and perhaps to a support group. This week, I am headed out on Saturday to the Holiday Inn at 7pm. It should be fun. I don't know what to wear (it will probably be a dress), but it does not matter, I am just glad that I am going out. I have been overweight over the past year, but at least my weight has been stable. I do need to lose weight though, because I feel uncomfortable particularly in tight clothes or when I do endurance sports. Nothing like riding a bike up a 12% climb and wishing I was 150 - 160 lbs again. Anyways ... I hope that everyone has had a good week. Keep your chin up and be proud of who you are, whoever that may be! I love you all and thank you for reading! Love, Lisa

As I see it, right now, reading this story makes me glad I choose to be the non-op variety of transwomen. At least in a website setting like this, I can let my inner girl out and be recognized as a girl by the other members of this site. There's a time and place for everything.