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So today I made very slight progress, though it put me in a bad mood all day and made things very disappointing. After exchanging very brief emails with the plastic surgeon center at the nearest large hospital in my area, I finally decided to call them and get a quick estimate on what I'd be looking at for a top surgery plus anything else that may or may not be required. To be honest, I'm not sure exactly what I was hoping for. It's not like they'd start giggling like the littlest elf and offer free surgery and tell me to show up tomorrow. Though that would be epic... But, alas, miracles dont happen every day. I were greeted by a rather friendly young woman named Alice, though she werent my alice in wonderland. She didnt have the greatest of news for me either. My Double Incision Bilateral Mastectomy will cost me an estimated grand total of 8,000$. Right now I have saved up....600$.... Before I can even go in for consultation about the surgery, I'm required by the state to see a phsycologist, which my insurance probably wont even cover. They offered me a "care card" which is basically a credit card that they can charge it all to that I pay off later...but with a lot of interest and growth interest. Meaning the longer it takes me to pay it off, the bigger the bill gets. Gee...thanks.... So my next phonecall was to my doctor to inform her that I self-changed one of my medications because it was giving me horrible side effects, but she insists that I come see her this friday. Not only because of that...but they're considering putting me on testosterone hormone treatment. Part of me is like HELLZ YES!!!! But....who wants to grow facial hair and possibly body hair and start looking masculine....while still enduring the embarrassment of 44DDs? No one, that's who. And certainly not me! I dont want to walk around with a 5oclock shadow and chest fuzzies while still trying to sort out my "tumor issue". I hate how I look as it is, that is not going to help! On the other hand, I'm excited for a deeper voice, for my body's reshaping into it's male form, and certainly for a less girly face. As a girl I look my proper age. But if I were to pass off as a boy, I look thirteen, not twenty two. Anyway....next call: Insurance. What do you and do you not cover in terms of surgery? Well, I got a woman who could barely speak english. But the answer I got was basically "nothing". I have a 500$ deductable, and 5000$ OUT OF POCKET. Granted 5,000$ is better than 8000$ but....I can barely pay my bills as it is....theres no way I can do that right now...or even next year. So you can see why I was depressed all day. I'm tired of waiting. I dont want to wait until next year, or the year after, or the year after. I want these GONE. On top of that... I think my boyfriend and I just officially decided to be roommates in the future. And that's it. Nothing more. Blah..... But here's the GOOD NEWS: I'm trying to go sober again! From cutting, I mean. I'm not much of a drinker I got a sudden slap to the face while browsing the infamous youtube last night, and stumbled on a video out of no where. "Let me tell you something you already know.The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place, and I don’t care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard you hit, it’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done! Now if you know what you're worth, then go on and get what you're worth! But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you aint who you wanna be because of him or her or anybody! Cowards do that and that aint you! You're better than that! I'm always gonna love you no matter what. No matter what happens, you're my son, you're my blood. You're the best thing in my life. But until you start believing in yourself, you aint gonna have a life." Rocky Balboa I grew up watching rocky with my dad up until he died when I was eight in a tractor trailer truck accident. After his passing, I couldnt watch it anymore because I'd always think of my dad and break down in tears. My dad was my everything. My whole world, my hero, my knight in shining armor. Because my dad was my Rocky Balboa. But that quote came to my ears and it made me cry. Hell I'm not ashamed of it, it made me bawl like a damn baby. Because at this particular point in my life...I needed that. I needed those words and it picked me up and brushed me off and said "damn it, your father dont want this for you, put that stupid blade down and get up off your knees!" My dad doesnt want me to sit in the corner and wave a white flag. He'd want me to brush off my shoulders, put my boxing gloves back on, and prove to them that I can do it. Because I can. So damn it, I'm gonna try. Not just for my Dad, but for me. I just hope I can K.O. my own doubt before the bell rings. Warren

Seems like in the past two weeks a lot has been happening, genital area is fairly clear, booked hotel room, doctor's packet arrived. Last week I paid most of my surgery fee, the remaining amount is waiting for one office to receive my paper work for a $1,200 fee. Friday I am going to UPS for UPS luggage. I decided to send my stuff done to arrive a day before I arrive. Everything will be tossed when going back home. So the contents are disposable, it pays to save some out dated clothing. Next Monday I part one of my name change is done then two more weeks and it's official Two more weeks for a phone appointment with anesthesiologist I know I am missing something (oh that's right it must be from being mostly blonde now) A co-worker pressured me today to learn about my surgery, long story short, he confirms my thoughts that the majority of co-workers will be fine with it. Matter of fact most people are guessing what is going on with me and are guessing I am transitioning. Such a great feeling May do airfare on Friday.

You've got this!

"I think we all do it at least a little bit. But I still say that it is mostly girls who do it" I agree. I found a way to make the binder work better...I can PM ya with details if you'd like. -Mike

I think we all do it at least a little bit. But I still say that it is mostly girls who do it XD Warren

OK, I admit I find it somewhat amusing when someone tells me that something I've always done is "typically" a female trait. But talking to yourself in the bathroom can't be exclusively female, can it? We all talk to ourselves regardless of gender... right? To be fair, I try not to do it when I know there are other people in there. But of course sometimes it happens that, oops, didn't realize there was someone in that last stall! Then I just really hope I didn't say anything too embarrassing! And of course, there are other places I talk to myself other than just the bathroom. But perhaps I'm just a bit crazier than most! :lol:

It’s become clear to me recently that being transgender has been like living in a carefully constructed and maintained house of cards. Designed to protect me from discovery of my secret, my house has many rooms and no windows. Rooms are labeled with names like “How I’m supposed to be with people at work,” and “How I’m supposed to be with my wife,” and “How I’m supposed to be with friends.” Like any house of cards it’s prone to sudden collapse and needs continuous monitoring to detect any slippage before it crashes down. I’ve even had a house of cards with my therapists even as I knew that I needed to be fully transparent to help them help me out of depression, anxiety, and dysphoria. With my shame I was unable to do so and thought that my feelings could be treated separately without their (and my) full understanding of my psyche. I now know I was wrong, which led me to spending a lot of time and money, relationship problems, and stifled career progression for the past 40 years. Important safety tip: don’t follow in my footsteps if you can avoid it. It might help to provide a summary of the effects of living in my house of cards: Marriage - I was often hyper-sensitive to anything I interpreted as criticism, leading to my needing reassurance that I am okay. - Reduced sex drive due to my not being more true to my self as well as over-thinking innocent requests like, “Touch me here, this way.” - Anger and frustration when she came up with what I interpreted as more rules for me to live by, like being advised to not wave my hands when talking (looks effeminate, go figure), be sure to keep the washing machine’s lid raised when not in use to prevent odor, shake out washed clothes before putting them in the dryer. Oh great, more cards to add to my already-teetering house. - “I’m so tired” as my common phrase at most hours of the day. Who could blame me? Keeping my house from falling while doing my job or anything else with others is exhausting. Children - Always good at shaking the house, challenging the status quo, not listening or following through… and me, paranoid about being found out. I was so uptight, trying to control and direct instead of providing them with the warm comfort they expected. (My wife assures me I wasn’t that bad and was actually a good father. She's biased of course.) - Thank goodness I had two sons. I can’t imagine how tough it would have been for me (and them) if I’d had daughters. Career - Often unhappy and unfulfilled, threatened by senior management due to doubts I was really one of the boys. Trying to act the part, mostly succeeding, but at a huge cost to me. - Despite my competence, I communicated - more often than I should have - insecurity, fear, need of reassurance: not a promotion path. - Always the one who first thought of customer’s feelings over pragmatic business realities, leading to a fair amount of raised eyebrows. - Changed jobs a lot trying to find the “right one.” Do I still live in my house of cards? To some extent, yes, although many of the cards have been removed recently by my coming out to my wife and therapist. What a huge relief! But it still has to be maintained while I consider where/when/if I come out to others. At least, though, I finally have awareness that my house isn’t as unstable as I’d thought and for that matter I care a bit less about it these days. I still have an in-law apartment above the garage which I maintain to keep track of what I have not yet confided to my wife. I’m having trouble, for example, telling her that I am and will be buying more clothes and accessories, that I need to store and care for them, and that I’ll be getting some coaching on all this from TG community resources. Emma

I have thought for some time now that my female voice was decent and will take voice lessons in the spring. Well today I was surfing through some videos online for after GRS thoughts and decided to click on one that was about male to female voice exercises. The person said to get Pitch Lab and work on keeping your voice between B flat and C sharp. I looked at the app, it’s free so I downloaded it. Afterwards upon opening it up there are a ton on in-app purchases but no need, the part I needed is free. So I try it out, I pretty much nailed the acceptable range woohoo. Even though I nailed it I know there is still work to be done but happy to know I am on the right track. Back in 2008 when meeting with a doctor for hormones (did not start then until last November even though she approved me) she indicated that my voice did not need much work and should be easy to have a very good female voice with practice. I think the main obstacle is the need to change back and forth but not after my surgery. We all know you can look female but when our mouth opens and the female voice is not there all is lost. Don’t know about anyone else but IMHO you need to work on it. There are times I will warm up by saying meow, each time raising my voice to what I think is acceptable. I learned this from a u tube video.

Yeah, I know exactly what you mean. Let's face it, your being transgender is probably hard for both of you to talk about. But he fell in love with all of you, and maybe he didn't know it, but Warren was always inside. So now Warren is coming outside too and that may be hard to understand. But you deserve love, acceptance, and respect. And all relationships need open communication to flourish. I remember you both have different work schedules, and you both work hard and are tired. Maybe you guys can set up a time to get together when you're both rested and talk? Go for a walk outside if it's not too cold. It helps to be doing something other than just staring at each other! If it's too cold, go for a drive somewhere. Or go to a coffee shop. Don't force the communication but let him know this is very important for you, that you love him and want to be sure he knows what is going on for you. Hope that helps, even a little, Emma

Hey Warren, I have a lot of thoughts about this. First, you are doing the absolute correct thing by writing about it here. We are here to listen and to help as best we can. Second, I completely understand your hurt, anger, and disillusionment with your therapist. How she could demand that you spell out your goal for therapy is beyond me. I was angry myself when I first read your post. After I calmed down I thought, well, maybe you could give her some goals. Here are some ideas. Obviously (I hope) you are the only judge as to their accuracy for you. I just hope they trigger some ideas: 1. Relief or ways to handle depression. 2. Help with sorting out and planning what to do with your gender expression. 3. Understand what is driving you to hurt yourself, and, learn and implement ways of handling those issues without having to hurt yourself for relief. 4. Help with understanding how you can talk to your family, and, if it doesn't go well, counseling on how you will deal with this. 5. Same thing with your boy friend. This is important, whether or not you stay together. If he leaves or you break up there will be another one. Please do not cancel next week's appointment. These goals are all very important for you. I suggest you write down more, maybe come up with a crazy long list, and then you can consider combining and prioritizing. While I don't think the therapist was tactful or kind, she does have a point. You and she are a team. And as a team, you both need to know where you want to go, what it means to make progress and succeed. So her question is okay even though very poorly presented. Let's keep up the discussion. Emma