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What a month it’s been. It started off pretty low for me when my wife and I met with our therapist. I gave them a very open update and my wife was terribly upset. Assuming the worst (which I’m quite good at doing) I was sure that she was going to want a divorce. Thankfully she didn’t. She apologized for her reaction and assured me that she supports my explorations. Remembering those days even now still causes me pain. It’s also diminished my enthusiasm and I’ve felt drawn back into the closet. That said, though, my wife encouraged (in some ways demanded) that I find a transgender support group to attend. I learned that a “support group” is one that is led by a therapist or mental health professional. Surprisingly, I found it hard to find one, but I received some help and was successful. The first meeting I’ll attend is on January 8th. My older son gave me the book “Fully Present” as a Christmas present. It’s about the science, art, and practice of Mindfulness Meditation. I’d known about this practice for years and it was recommended to me but I was kind of reluctant to study it. I guess I was (and am) afraid that I won’t be able to “do it” which, yeah, sounds kind of silly. Anyway, I am slowly and patiently reading the book and it does seem like an ideal combination of science, art, and practice – just like they said. This morning I read, “The basic tenet of mindfulness and science is to observe things as they are.” And, “In the spirit of self-discovery, we invite you to attempt meditation with a very scientific attitude – one of scientific exploration.” Wow, does that speak to me! I’ve been thinking over the past few days about what I might write here. I like the idea of having a monthly report like this but what should I do? Perhaps keep a running list of questions that I want to explore on my journey with therapists, groups, meditation, and my friends here at TG Guide: Am I “merely” addicted to the endorphin jolt I receive at times when I wear female clothing? I do like it, that’s for sure. And if it’s an “addiction,” should I attend some sort of 12-step program for it? I don’t think this is the case for me but one has to wonder at times. If I receive the truly unconditional love and acceptance I need from my wife will my transgender desires/needs evaporate or extinguish? I do really want the former but doubt the latter – as much as I would like it to be true. What will it take for me to ever achieve peace and acceptance with myself? My hypothesis these days is that when I was a toddler that my mother rejected me, I looked around and from what I could see, girls were the ones that are loved, accepted, and celebrated. They wore dresses and skirts so that’s what I wanted to. But, maybe my mother was “just” reacting to my desires for girlish things? (Which came first, the chicken or the egg?) Anyway, I wish everyone here at TG Guide a wonderful and prosperous New Year. I love you all. Emma Photo: The "The Imitation Game" movie, about Alan Turing. What a remarkable man, and such a tragedy that he ended up taking his life because of punishments he endured when he was "convicted" of being homosexual. I found it a poignant reminder of how many transgender people feel today. But, a remarkable movie nonetheless!

hi how to start this blog firstly im from elgin ,moray,uk was born a while ago saffice to say im in my very very late 20,s(51) when i was growing up any fancy dress party or the likes of halloween i would put on my mams (mom) clothes then by 11 my mam bought some new and weirdly fascinating tights(pantyhose) dont know what it was but i fell in love with the desire to wear them so one day i did and started to dress a lot when my mam & dad where out however that could not last forever on the whole it was a wonderful time in my life all i needed was some support as i say it could not last forever one halloween a friend from school caught me while i was out trick or treatimng kinda weird when you are 15 still out dressed up but hey . but that wasnt the only thing when i was at one of my friends house we would pretend to be out clubbing or being a naughty nurse they never had to look far for a surrogate girl if you like thank god his sister had panties and tights as well as skirts that fitted weird thing was when i was 16 i just asked my friend what would he do if when we were older if i came back as a woman what would he do he said he would beat me up. a little later in life as i could not hide my desires any longer in the uk we have a paper called the sun ther was an agony aunt called deirdre so i wrote to her telling her my desire nae my wish to be out in public dressed up with or without make-up her reply dissapionted me though she never told me not to she did say that in her opinion i would not be able to do that until i had gone off this mortal coil "bitch" funny though i defied her odds still alive and have dressed full time 24/7 in skirts tights with and without make-up. so here i am having gone through bigotry and ignorance and a lot of new freinds feeling stronger and looking forward to the future

A friend of mine's husband told her that his crossdressing is "no big deal." It bothered her because the phrase tended to dismiss her feelings; I understand and agree. I've often also thought of this phrase myself and thought it might be interesting to consider what it means to me. I'm not offering any solutions here, just food for thought and, perhaps, conversation with your partner. By the way: I'm using feminine pronouns for the husband, which is the polite/supportive thing to do for her; My apologies to my FTM brethren as I'm only talking here about the husband being the transgender person. Now with that behind us let's dig in! I'm first considering it from my perspective. (It's my blog, I get to choose who goes first. ) When I think of my crossdressing as "no big deal" here's some my reasoning: It's just clothes after all, at least in the privacy of our own home. Who cares if I'm dressing in feminine finery? My therapists have also said that it shouldn't be a big deal. I wish my wife could also treat it as no big deal because then I'd feel better about myself. As it is I feel like there is a winner and a loser, and we should both be able to win. I am and will stay faithful to my wife and am confident that I will not stray no matter what. I still am the person she fell in love with at my core. Shouldn't she feel happy that I'm "finding myself" and support me? Okay fine, let's consider what might be going on in my wife's mind for whom it seems to be a Very Big Deal indeed. She was socialized to be the pretty one in relationships and society, to wear feminine clothing and be feminine. If I'm feminine too, where does that leave her? Should she now consider herself to be a lesbian? I think it's known that cisgender women may judge each other pretty harshly at times, and "their man" may be a proxy for her success as a woman. What does it mean if he crossdresses (privately or not)? Is it because of some failing of the wife's? Although we know that gender orientation isn't correlated or the same as sexual orientation, my wife is still concerned that in the euphoria of the moment (aka "Pink Fog") I might be tempted to experiment. Who's to say that I might so enjoy crossdressing that I find myself inexorably drawn to Gender Affirmation hormones and/or surgery? How will this affect our sex life? Will we even have a sex life going forward? And if not, why should I accept that? If our marriage/relationship needs to dissolve, how will I explain this to my family and friends? Oh my goodness: the scale is leaning so heavily toward my wife. Maybe I'm just being negative. I am sure there are missing points in both my and my wife's sections. Please feel free to post your thoughts on all this. Regardless of whether you agree with what I wrote or not I think it always comes down to communication between ourselves and our partners. Easy for me to say but I think my wife and I are making some progress. Yeah! I wish you a safe New Years celebration and a thoroughly wonderful and fulfilling 2015, Emma

We all know all to well that there are people that do not understand gay, lesbian and transgender people. With that said I consider New Year's Eve a time when you just might come in contact with them and if so there is always the chance of what I call "Gang/Group Mentality" where one person may start something and others will join in that would not normally join in if not in a group. Even though I am highly trained things can still go sideways, my guess is most people here are not highly train which puts you in harms way so please be careful.

So, this has been an interesting week. I am taking off of work from 12/20 - 1/5, and planned on using the holidays to take a step back, focus on me and what is going on and gain more insight. During the week I had more of an internal struggle with myself. It was like my male side struggling with my female side. There were times that I felt guilty of who I was (which has not happened in awhile), guilty of what I am putting others through particularly my wife. Thinking about care. I had to set my FSA contribution limits. I ended up maxing it out. Yet I feel guilty for the financial cost of therapy and the potential cost of hormones, electrolysis, etc. and it's potential impact to my family, like I'm stealing from them or something. I need to get past this. I also need to resolve this. First it starts with me getting opportunities to express myself to feel comfortable. That's the other thing. I go from feeling like my skin is crawling because I am not who I should be to wanting to fight this ... and live with the status quo. The thing that is so strange and I told my therapist this is, when I was young, being a guy was an act. But over time I have socialized as a guy (not a girl) and have gotten good at it. So good, I am confident in my role, when many years before I was not. Part of this is leading people and companies (which I would continue to do as a woman, that wouldn't change!) but also in fathering my children. I will always be a father and I am so proud of that, that I will never turn my back as a role as their father. So, I need to figure out what that means to me and to them. My role as a husband has been lacking some, but it has more to do with our lives, how both my wife and I have let life and children be at a higher priority than our relationship. A big issue is me potentially transitioning and her seeing me not as a husband or spouse anymore and going through the motions. Anyways, I've seen this as a need or gap for years, but have taken a more passive approach to dealing with the needs of my wife. I need to take more of an active role in making our relationship better and cherish her for the person who she is and who I married. Even if she does not want to stay with me. And that's the other thing. I could decide not to transition at all, yet because of her view of me, may not want to stay anyways. There are so many unknowns and no guarantees in life unfortunately. I've also been thinking about my role as a woman. Even if I do not transition, there will always be a woman inside of me. Beyond the things on the surface that one identifies as being female, such as face, voice and how one carries themselves, I've been mostly focused on who I want to be. For example, I've noticed in a lot of women (not all), due to inflection of their voice, they sound as if they are asking a question instead of making a statement or a demand. For some reason, particularly in the business environment, it can be cute but annoying particularly when you want the other person to be clear and assertive. That is going to be hard for me. I think part of the time, I will have no problem in adapting to this if I transition to female. But there are other times, I know I will be a b-i-t-c-h that does not conform to that model. So, I'm learning about that and I'm sure that I will learn more as I go along. Also, I've always been a planner. One thing that I've learned is that you never go into something without knowing at least 80% of what will happen or the outcomes. And also an exit strategy and contingency planning. So that is what I will start doing now. Understanding the practical steps to a transition, focusing on what I would absolutely have to do. Then focus on the nice to have stuff. If I do that it will help me make this more concrete and help me understand what I need to do if I take that step. I'm just thankful for the support and patience of friends and family that know. If I had all of the answers this would be easy. Thank all of you for your love and support. Love, Lisa

You're very courageous and to be admired! Despite all that negative feedback you still did (and do) what you needed. Thank you for being such a wonderful example to everyone. Emma P.S. I have also always loved tights!

Dear Lisa, Uncertainty seems to be a common denominator at least for you and me. Maybe the only certainty is to achieve some level of balance and being ourselves - whatever that is. I also observe women all the time, how they carry themselves, express themselves - which often brings big pangs of envy. I need to remind myself that life is a journey not a destination. That's hard to do of course. Thank you for your blog posts, your friendship, and your support. May 2015 be a wonderful year for you. Emma