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For Christmas my son gave me a copy of the book "Fully Present: The Science, Art, and Practice of Mindfullness." I had mixed emotions about it. On the one hand I've heard about the benefits of mindfullness meditation for several years and thought this might finally give me what I need to actually learn and add it to my life. On the other hand I've had so much trouble accepting mindfullness. (Isn't meditation a bunch of hocus pocus mumbo jumbo?) I worried that once again I'd fail to follow through and thus re-live all the emotional baggage that comes with that. I'm glad to report that I have been making some good progress (about half-way through). I'm trying to be very Zen-full about reading it, allowing myself to read a little, put it down for a day or two, and then come back to it. Today I came across something that I'd like to write about: R. A. I. N. Negative emotions are very natural, most likely emerging from our early ancestors' needs to be aware of danger, protect themselves, care for their families and communities. But these days we tend to think negatively about even having negative emotions; we try to rid ourselves of these emotions through introspection or suppression. Worse, we may continue to bring up and enhance those emotions by continually replaying the events that triggered them. Good grief! Here's a quick summary of a technique (okay, it's Buddhist, but let's forget that for the moment) that has the acronym RAIN, which stands for Recognition, Acceptance, Investigation, and Non-identification. It's been taught all over, from prisons to schools, to couples in therapy - with very positive results. So, what do we have to lose from trying it out? Recognition The first step is to recognize the emotion, and give it a label such as grief, anger, sadness, fear. Just giving it a label enables us to gain some cognitive distance, to "see it" for what it is, an emotion. Acceptance Whatever we experience is okay. Whether it's an emotion we like or not, you're human, and you have emotions. From the book, Mindfullness encourages you to be present, without shame or blame or fear, to what is truly happening. Once the emotion is labelled, in Recognition, we need to accept it. Like hugging a child when she falls, telling ourselves "It's okay, you'll be fine, I'll take care of you." This may be easier said that done since we may reject feeling the emotion at all, as if it's bad or shameful in and of itself. In that case, consider that emotion, go back to Recognition, and see where that takes you. Investigation Now that you've recognized and accepted the emotion, consider how it is affecting you in your body. Shortness of breath? Tight throat? Stomach clenched? Note that in RAIN "Investigation" doesn't mean to imply that we should consider where the emotion may be coming from, say our childhood or something. "Investigation" is just a handy word whose "I" fits well into the acronym. :-) Non-Identification This is perhaps the hardest step but it's the one that we want to internalize. It's where you observe the emotion as if it's not a part of you at all. It's not your emotion instead it's the emotion, which we know from experience is transient, "this too shall pass." Nothing is perfect and we're not Buddhist monks. But I suppose many of us look for more tools and techniques. Hope this helps you. Heck, I hope it helps me. We'll see; I've got something to try it out on right now! Wish me luck. Emma Photo: I shot this in a huge open-air monkey zoo in South Africa. I like this scene a lot. Probably could be a crisper photo but hey, it was happening in real life!

While waiting for my friend (female) to get ready to leave for the movies her daughter came home, said Hello Karen, I heard your name change has been completed. I said the big thing for me was more of having a bank card with Karen Payne. She did not know I was changing my last name. I pulled out my new and former driver license, she compared pictures and said "I remember you then but you have changed drastically since then". She held both licenses for a minute shaking her head and then said, it's so hard picturing you are a male now. Her mother walked in who had overheard us talking and said, I agree with her, it is almost impossible to see you as your former self. The movie may have been too long but the compliments were perfect.

Addendum After posting this I walked 45 minutes to Cafe Borrone to give me a chance to put RAIN into practice. I'd stored up some anger and hurt since a confrontation with my wife on Friday morning. First: which to focus on, the anger or the hurt? According to the book, choose the "biggest one" so I chose anger. And I must say, it really seemed to dissipate as I went through the RAIN steps. At Cafe Borrone I settled into reading Learning Swift Programming and a pint of Racer 5 IPA. (Yes, the propeller on my beanie is spinning rapidly. Wouldn't you like to read about optionals and tuples?) As I was reading my thoughts drifted. I realized the next emotion to come up was fear. Where is all this headed? Will she (does she) still love me? Aha! Another opportunity to try RAIN. (Channeling Spock, with his raised eyebrow: "Captain, it appears you're experiencing the fear emotion that humans experience so often.") So yeah, I went through it again, this time for fear. And I'll tell you: it helped. Sure, I have some remnants. But the back has been broken on that emotion at least for now. Give it a try yourself. Probably ought to buy the book (no, not the Swift book).

When an adventure requires its central character to play the role of hero and damsel the plot becomes very confusing and at odds with itself very quickly, this was an experience to be savoured and suffered. I finally took the final step on escaping the cross-dresser skin that had wrapped me up so tight. I stepped out of this all-encompassing cocoon and tip-toed delicately and naked in the free air as woman for the first time. Gone was the awkward, exaggerated mannerisms and grace and beauty was found. For the first time I blushed at a mans affections rather than acting like a man in a dress, I felt like one of the girls and discovered just how different and real my situation is now. For the first time I belong. The outsider is in from the cold. It may not have been as realistic as the picture dictates but for the first time I had a place to call my own and my confidence blossomed into a powerhouse that was a runaway steam train on fire. I strutted my stuff, wiggled my arse and other revellers called me miss and sweetie! Arriving at this monumental part of my life has excited as well as humbled me, freedom has never been so close, the jailor had forgotten to lock the cell door and my escape has begun. With all my strength my cell door has been broken and I breathe free air for the first time. While all this excitement was happening inside me some very real experiences also cropped up that I had not considered before. Using the little ladies room for the first time was very surreal and I actually felt fear as I fumbled with makeup and tried to smile with the other girls. Now, any man will know that using the gents is normally a quiet experience, a place of reflection, you think about how to get home, what you are going to say to the pretty girl next, and so on. It is a generally peaceful place, where men clear their throats and spit in the trough, they may joke with one another very briefly about how liberating that first mighty piss is. But what hit me like a tidal wave upon entering the ladies was absolute chaos, girls huddled in groups nattering like a mothers meetings, tissue and makeup gunk everywhere, and I am surprised there is not a sand shortage with all the mirrors lined up one after the other. I think a few of my fellow toilet dwellers could sense my anguish with this strange world, one actually asked if I was okay, I brushed it off as being a little tipsy but on reflection I wish I had explained my inexperience. Another aspect that I have to improve on very quickly is applying makeup while standing up. I have practiced and practiced at my make shift dresser at home, but nothing prepared me to have to stand, with others watching, and make myself beautiful. I had visions of the chaos but no imagination could have prepared me for this! Later on in the evening, after I had become rather drunk, I was now stumbling about as opposed to gliding like a flower on the breeze, my next experience is one that has taught me the biggest practical lesson to being a woman. Whatever is going on, where ever you are, no matter who you are with, never, ever under any circumstances lose your handbag. I was trying to make my way through an overcrowded corridor of the club and as I passed through a doorway another clubber hooked onto my handbag some how and it was ripped from my shoulder and back into where I had come from. At first I could not actually believe it. I started searching furiously around me and started to panic. Phone, money, cards, not to mention the cost of replacing all that makeup! I was like a damsel in distress and while at the time all I could think about was to not start crying, the actual emotion has added to my overall experience and made me feel more like a woman. Luckily my handbag had ended up with some lovely doorstaff who not only gave me back my little bag of tricks but comforted me to some degree, again adding to my feeling of real womanhood. I am liberated and cannot wait for more days like this.

I'm going to post this this morning, because lately I haven't been getting to it on Sunday nights, like I try to. Week-of-2015-01-12 Another busy week. I worked late Monday, then had to go to a church meeting then stayed up late to watch the National Championship (I went to Ohio State). Anyways, that "cooked" my goose well. I didn't recover until the following Saturday. I did go to my Therapy session but skipped MAGIC because I was too tired. It was funny, I literally was driving there and just decided to go home, because physically and mentally I was running on fumes. While at therapy this week, I talked about how I thought that I could control everything and fix everything. But have figured out over these last few years that is not the case. I may be able to fix "some" things, however I have no control over anything. And that is something that has taken me time to let go of. Prayer has helped me understand, that any feelings of control is not truly control and that there are only some things that I can fix. But once I let go of the need to fix everything and control everything, I started to realize that I need to look into transition. Being TG or even just dressing isn't something that can be controlled. Those are feelings that never go away or leave. Anyways, the therapy session felt really short. I elaborated on a lot, but the last 15 minutes of the meeting I started to get serious about focusing on what was needed to take the next steps. Like what happens next if I transition. I told her that if I transitioned, I would need hormones, electrolysis / laser and will have FFS, because I think that I need it. I asked for endocrinologist referrals. I think that my therapist was surprised by the whole discussion. When I came in for my first appointment I told her that I would take 3 to 6 months to make a decision and here it's been only two months. She said that she would recommend me for it, just based on the sessions that we've had so far. I told her though that I need to come up with and determine my own TS roadmap, before I proceed further. I mentioned the TSRoadmap website and that it has been there for years and she had never heard of it before and was glad that I told her. Last night, I started to go through everything in more detail on the TSRoadmap website. It did not have all the answers for me, however it had probably about 95% of them. I literally started to populate a project schedule with the things that I needed to do and events. I'm thinking at the earliest 44 years old and 45 years old being the latest. But it will take a lot of effort to get there. It's not a track meet by any stretch of the imagination. I was a little disappointed to find out that my health insurance excluded treatment for TG, even endo and hormones, unless "medically" necessary, whatever the hell that means. I'm going to call them (BCBS) in order to find out how that determination is made. Another thing that was disappointing was that Ohio, the state that I was born in, will not update sex on my birth certificate. However, I can get my gender marker updated in Virginia and on my passport, which are the key documents for employment, etc. As I learn more, I'll let people know. Sorry for the long blog posts! On a separate topic, one of the things that came up when I was talking with my mom was my dad and if this (me wanted to transition and being in a crisis) could be happening because of him dying. I told her that I did not know, but that it was possible. He knew that I had dressed and went to therapy when I was growing up. But I had often thought about telling him that I was transgendered (among other things) just so that he knew before he died. It wasn't at the top of my agenda, particularly during the last month of his life. At first when he died, it was a fleeting thought like, well I didn't talk to my dad about it, but it doesn't really matter because he is not around anymore. But now, particularly the last month or so I have felt otherwise. I miss him and the conversations that we had and his feedback (he hardly ever gave me advice). I think he would have been supportive of me, however I just don't know. But I wish that I did and to talk with him about it, because I have a feeling, he would have given me good advice. I feel so much like $hit sometimes about him not being around. It's still hard for me to fathom. I always think that he is a phone call away and fooled myself into thinking that he would make it and always would be. And then there are times that I would think that I don't need advice from my parents anymore. And after my parents stopped giving me advice, a funny thing happened. I yearned for their advice and acceptance. Anyways, I can't do anything about it. It makes me sad though. Thank you for listening and your support! Love, --Lisa

Happy for U Karen! :)

***I thought that I posted this earlier, but it did not come through (luckily I saved it!) Coming off of Christmas, I was really busy going back to work after being out for 2 weeks. Things are becoming more clear for me and I think that I am going to start exploring what needs to be done to transition so that I can go into it with my eyes wide open. On Friday I was supposed to have a therapy session but rescheduled, however I did go to the second friday support group. One of the topics was friendship and when sharing how my friendships have been affected by being trans, it became crystal clear for me. Though I've had periods early in life where I've made good lasting friendships, I have been unable to do that the last 25 years. It has been a challenge for me because I think people could tell that I was not being 100% open with them. It's not like it is anyone's business whether I am TG or not. However, most people can sense these things. And I think that I have been holding back somewhat because of what was going on with me. Plus, I've been leading a double life somewhat, friends on both sides, not being able to merge the lives and sets of friends. Unable to invest in strong, long-term relationships. I've been in a gray area. Limbo. Regarding the crystallizing moment, that's when I realized that I've been wasting a lot of energy on being two people. It has affected my relationships, it has affected work and my business because so much of my energy has gone towards this and not something else. It's been distracting, particularly these last few months. I think about being "me" constantly. Returning to work this week, the feelings of not being who I should be are still there. They have not gone away and never will. This isn't like quitting smoking, or drinking. This isn't a mind over matter thing. So anyways, at that support meeting I finally realized that I have to transition. It won't be for a while, because I want to get my affairs and finances in order. However, I realized that I have been wasting so much energy, time, etc. that it has affected all of my relationships in one way or another, that I have felt terrible at different points of my life (even though I should not have). Wasting time in repression, purging, depression that have taken away from everything else I could be in life. I started this blog for myself and to share based on a FB posting. I am glad that I did. I tend to keep things inside and tend not to share for a variety of reasons (mostly I am extremely introverted). Writing has helped me vent and to get it out. It's helped me think things through so that I can be confident about my decisions. But most importantly, I have received a lot of support from everyone who is reading. Thank you so much! Everyone who has contacted me to offer support and share, I really appreciate your support and your friendship. It has been so hard for me to get the support that I need, because I never took the time to reach out. I'm glad that I did and thank you. And if there is anyone reading these words who needs support and friendship, please do so. You can contact me or start a blog just like I have. I would also like to apologize to taking several days in some cases to get back. It usually not until the weekends that I get a chance to reflect on the week and have the time to write about it. Please have a good weekend and week. And thank you again! Love, Lisa

Several unrelated observations from the past week have led to some thoughts I'd like to share here. Sneak preview: I wonder if I am transgender. Answer: yes. Here goes: I attended a TG Discussion Group (i.e., not led by a therapist) this week. Everyone there except me has either fully transitioned or is on hormones. I mentioned that I had not gone to any of their social events because I don't have a complete feminine outfit (with all of the accoutrements) and am wondering these days how important that is for me. Someone said (in a nice way), "Gender isn't the clothes. It's all between the ears." Everyone nodded and agreed. Thinking about it later that night I wish I'd asked, "If it's all between the ears then perhaps that explains why some are comfortable in their choice to live within the boundaries of their born sex?" I suspect there is some truth in that. And maybe those in that place under the TG Umbrella don't see the "boundaries" at all. I'm thinking this may be me. When I consider attending a TG social event fully expressing myself as a transwoman it is a little exciting, sure. But there are rather big buts, such as: I want to look nice. Not over the top at all, just well put-together. Assembling all of the pieces of such an outfit would be very expensive when you consider I'm starting from essentially nothing. I don't feel an inherent joy in making my face up more than perhaps the minimal that most cisgender women do. But goodness knows I'd need a fair amount of it applied in an artful manner. And, the thought of doing all this for perhaps a 2-3 hour event with people I don't have much in common with... Maybe I'm not transgender at all. I'm just a lonely imposter in the TG house? I met with my therapist yesterday morning, one on one. I told him that I just want to be loved by my wife for who and what I am. I told him all of the above, and: I often sleep in a simple nightgown since I was barred from sleeping with my wife in "our" room. Nothing fancy or frilly, it's like a long-sleeve T-shirt in a soft modal fabric. It just feels good, like a hug. When I wear a leotard and tights (under my outerwear), here again, it just feels like a warm hug. I'm okay. Yes, I occasionally get a minor and transient erotic thrill but that's also similar to how I feel when in a warm embrace. At the discussion group one of the transexual women (who transitioned >30 years ago) mentioned, "Although transitioned, we'll never be fully women. For example, when I attended college after my SRS and the other girls shared their prom photos and other girlhood memories, I didn't have those." She said it very matter of fact, with no emotional baggage. I responded with something like, "Oh my, that must have been painful for you." No one else picked up on that and the discussion moved on. Also at the discussion group I felt a bit left out as they were largely focused on hearing themselves talk. I guess I don't blame them. Like me, there are darned few places where they can express themselves. I wasn't able to get much of a word in edgewise and just listened. My therapist responded that the feelings I express are, in his experience, more typically those of a woman's. Earlier that week he had a couple in for therapy where, for example, the wife used my same words, "I just want you to love me for who I am." So yeah, I am a member of the transgender camp, grateful for having a place like TG Guide to come to, express myself, and share my feelings. Emma P.S. I sincerely hope that all who read this understand that my writing is solely about my own thoughts and observations, and I don't mean to imply any judgment of anyone else. I'm truly respectful and appreciative of everyone in the transgender community, their individual journeys, gender expression, and rightful place under the umbrella. Photo: I shot this from inside the Excelsior Lodge in South Africa a couple of years ago. I loved their windows and the scene they framed. It seems like an appropriate photo for today's blog.

Your comment about being an "imposter in the TG House", I used to feel as well. Especially if you go to a group where several have transitioned or are in the process of transitioning. I felt like if I was not in the process of transition that somehow I was a fraud. Someone said they felt like a fraud and someone else felt like they did not have courage as well and I said that I felt the same way to the group. But, we can't feel that way. We all have our own individual journeys and should not feel like we have to transition, have SRS, etc. For example, I may never transition. If I did transition, I may have FFS, but will most likely not have SRS or at least have it for a while. Yet I feel the need to present and express myself as female. And look good. It's true that gender is between the ears. But we all have a need to express our gender in some way. For me, it has to do with how I am perceived and what I've learned that society finds acceptable. For others, it may be different.

Until present I have told two former girlfriends that I was transitioning and now have disclosed this just now to another one. The interesting thing is, each of these woman have stayed friends with me ranging from 14 years to eight years since we broke up. I am very fortunate to have these woman remain in my life. On a comical note, each of them want to go see me soon after I have recovered from surgery and also two of them want to take me out shopping for clothes while the other one has done this countless times with me already. One of the ladies has only communicated with me via phone calls and has not seen me during my transition. She said, I will be really mad if you look better than me when we meet again. No way that could happen, she is beautiful and a size 1. The woman I just told wants to meet up with me before I head off to California in a week, hopefully we will not get into any trouble as she lives life on the edge and we have done some crazy stuff in the past.

Star date August 2014 So, I had my second trip out and about this weekend. We reprised our trip to the same trans friendly gay club/bar we went to last time as we both felt comfortable there and really enjoyed the vibe, the crowd and the venue. The weather has been a bit iffy so instead of the sleeveless cocktail dress I was going to wear I went with floral jeggings, a nude shoulder blouse and my closed high heels (first time I have worn closed heels for any length of time). I accessorized with some floral jewellery and a flower hair clip (it WAS a spring party and I felt the need to make an effort). We forgot to draw cash on Saturday morning, so on the way to the club we stopped at our local service station and I drew some cash from the ATM. Stepping out of the car in full sight of people who may or may not be sympathetic was a bit of a thing, but I felt I had to do it. It was all very new and a little nerve wracking. Especially when a car pulled up right behind me and the two guys didn’t get out but watched me going about my business. I got my cash, stuffed it into my bag and made a beeline for the car. We went to the club and danced, chatted, caught up and met some new people, had a drink, all the usual stuff. I was in a very festive mood and danced more than usual. It was a lot of fun and I was far more relaxed than the first time out. I realised that sandals are far easier to dance in than closed shoes but I didn’t let that minor detail get in my way. What a lot of fun! Then a very unexpected (well for naive little me anyway) thing happened. My wife said that she had overheard some of the men at the bar discussing me. I said she must have been mistaken. Anyway some time later one of the men wandered over from the bar and put a drink down in front of me and then put his hand on my back, asking if I wanted it. He rubbed my back in a friendly sort of way. I was so surprised! I mean intellectually I knew this could happen but I didn’t expect it to happen to me. Anyway I was literally speechless (which is rare for me). Fortunately one of the other girls came to my rescue and engaged him in conversation while I did my deer in the headlights impersonation (please note this is not the most effective way of dealing with these situations). He lost interest and left. I feel bad but it was just so unexpected (and ever so slightly flattering and disquieting all at the same time). So I have resolved to practice some polite, humorous but firm put downs just in case I need these in future. I kind of thought having my wife around as ‘bouncer’ would be sufficient deterrent but it seems I was wrong. Fortunately my wife was ok with it all and found it somewhat amusing. We met some lovely new people, had a nice conversation about shopping and stuff and then and then we left a little later. I was on a natural high and therefore asked my wife to drive us a round for a bit whilst we chatted. Sadly it seems the South African Police Services ‘Tranny Intelligence Division’ seem to be getting more on the ball as we saw a police roadblock in the distance. My wife diverted down some side roads and we got home without incident. I am still not ready to face a police officer and explain the situation to him or her. What a lovely night out.

Apologies, I have just realised you can link to your external blog. I have now done this I will therefore not be updating THIS blog anymore. Please refer to https://daniellaargento.wordpress.com/ Thanks

Like the title of one of my favorite songs, "I'm Still Here" I havent forgotten anyone, and I havent fallen off the face of the planet either! This month has been rather hectic for me, in truth. December begs to be a difficult time for everyone, naturally, since everyone has SOMETHING going on for the holidays, no matter how much of a hermit you plead to be. For me this year, I was blessed with the company of my little sister for the month. For me, it's a huge thing, and I were doing my absolute best to make the most of every day. As her visit is slowly coming to a close (she leaves the 17th poo) things are starting to calm down a little, and I have unusually woken up rather early today. So why not post a quick blog?? We went to the movies, went out to dinner several times, shopping, etc. Spoiled her rotten, I dare say! As for my own personal moments, there havent been too many worth noting, to be honest. I cut my hair even shorter, and by god to I love it!! It's so much more comfortable and....well...me! I style it how I want it, and I've never been happier with...well my face I guess! XD Though I've noticed changes. Not in me, in particular, but those around me. The strangers that pass me by as I shop with my sister or boyfriend. The glances that repeat and the glares that persist. I thought the bathroom issues were troublesome before, boy I had no idea how easy it was back then. Now that I'm convincing the world of my manliness....bathroom situations have gotten that much more awkward. Of course I still cannot venture into the men's room as of yet. But the glares I get in the womens room....yikes. One woman went as far as to glare at me and mumble "f***ing f**s" I guess she wasnt wrong, really. As a Bisexual Transgender, in one way or another I guess I am a f**. I dont take that as insulting, because it sort of is the truth. I dont mind But the tone and choice of muttering is what got to me, really. I brushed it off and like any other day, just pretended I was the only one who’d notice my unusual awesomeness. I cant remember if I told you all about my experience with buying alcohol…..Either way, here’s a recap. A few months ago, I had gone in to buy a 6pack of my favorite Blood Orange from Mike’s Hard. Delicious, but seasonal, which is unfortunate. But anyway, I wanted to get some as it is seasonal and wouldn’t be out for very long. ANYWAY, I went up to the register and attempted to buy it, and so came the ‘carding’. But she wouldn’t accept my I.D. So she called in her manager, who also would not accept my I.D. because it “simply is not your I.D.” So…they called the cops too. An officer came, looked at my I.D. and shook his head. He said he could see ‘some’ resemblance but was yet convinced, so he asked for me to show to other forms of I.D. So after handing over my S.S. card and my library card, along with my work/campus I.D., he finally let me off the hook and I left with booze in hand. But with the recommendation that I get the photo on my I.D. changed as soon as I could. Especially in case I were to get pulled over for something! So….I DID!! It took a little convincing and again, I had to hand over other forms of I.D. to prove that it was my own. Which in a way made me feel good because my transition is convincing! I’ll add the photo soon On New Years I had a bit of a falling out with my boyfriend, which I sort of expected to happen anyway since things had begun to get so rough. In the moment when neither of us wanted to walk away, he finally stood up and demanded I stay and that we work this out, convinced that he’d be alone for the rest of his life if I left because he didn’t want anyone else. Honestly I cried so hard that my head hurt for three days afterwards, but we worked it out. Dare I say, and knock on wood, but our relationship has been better than ever since. We agreed that we’d talk about whatever is going on at the end of every single month, because we both have the habit of bottling up our emotions and keeping quiet until we explode. So hopefully, in that department, I’m better than ever As another plus, I went to the bank to cash in my unemployment check (laid off from Dec 19th till Jan 19th, and I get a whole whopping 48$ a week jeez, thanks.) and the woman had to actually stop and ask “Are you Justin or Kristy?” I wanted to hug her for even asking! It felt silly, but awesome. Even Justin chuckled at it, because he knew it made me happy to have my gender questioned. Then when trying on new pants at walmart, the woman assumed of my gender role and automatically sent me to the men’s dressing room instead of the women’s. It’s tiny little things like that, that make my day complete. It’s awesome, and though it seems silly to some people…it makes me a lot happier. I’m officially OFF the self-harm-watch-list by my therapist (Was one month cut-free up until a week ago, which was due to an imbalance of my medications. Noted: Don’t take Lexapro at the same time as Levothyroxin. They counterbalance eachother!) but I stopped just a little ways into the act and turned to using markers instead. I’ll show you the picture for that too, don’t worry. BUT I think I have dragged into this blog long enough, and I’ve music to go download and exercise to get back to. From 230pnds down to 211! I’m getting there! Best of love and hugs and all that lovey gooey mushy stuff, Warren