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I listen with a compassionate ear , and with a reminiscing grin I partake. These are the words that came to mind while attending a pre- Valentine Day Trans Girls Dinner Party especially for couples. There were some spouses and girlfriends there who have never ventured out with there companion while dressed in fem. The tension was definitely in the faces of many , but as time went on the atmosphere became more and more relaxed . A little wine does help , but as those wives and girlfriends opened up to other couples with the same issues as to what they have been experiencing in there own lives. The evening became very much sociable and rather enjoyable. Outside pressures, anxiety, family responsibilities, depression, the ambiguity of love; these are some of the social issues pressing couples in a trans girl relationship with there companion. One trans girl told me how her spouse was so upset over her breast implant , because the operation produced a size bigger than was expected . Another expressed how she just found out about her companion 4 weeks prior and how she cannot believe here she is at a dinner party with other trans girls. A third expressed how her companion was not gay , and she would not stay in the relationship if she was. Lastly a forth said I do not want this trans girl thing to get out to my friends and my children. There are plenty more examples of social drama within the conversations that night. I give so much applaud to the wives and girlfriends for attending . There courage , there showing of love to make a effort to keep there relationship going was remarkable. Roses were handed out to each companion for the Valentines Day Event. I will end by saying '' Thorns run the length of the stem of a rose , but what is most appreciated and admired is the loving beauty of the flower on top.''............... '' We are here to love & be loved . ''

I emailed a co-worker whom I told he could use my parking spot at work that I would be in for HR work. He said let's all go out for coffee, which I said sure thing. When I got to work about 10 or so co-workers came over to see how I was doing. I gave them a brief on how things were going and that I will be out for several more weeks (Robin at Marci's office emailed me today and said I can go back to work around March 2nd). So six of us took a walk over to the nearby Starbucks, got coffee, came back and chatted for a while followed by me visiting HR to get my name change going there. I was very happy that everyone came over to see me and had smiles on their faces which meant a great deal to me. There was way too much paper work to complete today so I will head back tomorrow and give them the filled out forms.

Work was the easiest of organisations to accept my name and gender change, They have been fantastic with me, I did it in early December, and this story is so reminiscent of my experience. Good luck with your new life! Eve

That's a really moving story, and it makes me so proud of my wife for putting up with me especially as I am now Eve, and outwardly at least not the Steve that she married. I took a long time transitioning to help her to adjust to my new identity, it's taken over 4 years to the point that I pass in public and do not appear as male anymore. Perhaps we should bear in mind that it can often take our wives or partners longer to adjust than we can ourselves? But know what, it makes me love her all the more. We went on an anti Austerity event on Saturday, she was speaking on a PA system, but I went along to support her, it's things like this that help to cement a relationship together. Eve

For all of ya's who wish you could hit the "Like This" button more than once... clik 'til yer heart's content if for no other reason than to just feel good.... :D

Everyone should have a 'transition song'. I listen to mine every single day. Every time my transition gets to be too hard or too frustrating. "Silhouettes" by Avicii is mine. Not only because of the video that comes along with it, but for the lyrics. "We've come a long way since that day, and we'll never look back at the faded silhouettes." It means you have to keep looking forward. You're not the person you were back then. You're not the same person you were on the day you decided enough was enough, and you're now you. The REAL you! I vowed that it'll be the song I listen to before I go in for my top surgery, and I'll listen to it as soon as I come out. Avicii has kept me going with that one simple song, so...soooo many times. Blaring it in the car, on my headphones, on the stereo....anything. It keeps my head up. I wanted to take a minute to vent out some encouragement to you guys, and girls even. I had this moment of bursting enthusiasm on my way home tonight, of course, while listening to this song. One day you will have your moment. Maybe it's already come and you're transitioning. Maybe you're still trying to get up the courage to have your moment of truth. But one day, you'll have it. And it will be sooooo soooo uplifting and relieving. To finally get it off your chest. A truth that no one can fully understand and appreciate unless they've been through it. Since I started my job, my new doctor, and my therapist Joan...I've grown a person. I was depressed, dare I say suicidal, confused, frustrated, angry, and overweight. I was stressed. I hated my reflection, I hated my life, my situation, my family…I just wanted out. I soon turned to cutting, slicing away at my arms because the pain numbed the emotions. Hiding in a bathroom stall at work simply to avoid talking to people. Enduring the stinging of my chef’s coat sleeves rubbing against my bandaged and swollen arms, only to increase the agony later that night. I know it sounds like I’m only being depressing right now but bare with me here for a moment. That was almost a year ago. I went from 235pnds to 208pnds. You want to know how? Not with my diet, because it hasn’t changed much. Not with exercise because I don’t get much aside from work. Happiness. Comfort. That’s what I credit it to. I’m a happier person, more comfortable in my own skin. And that all came from one simple thing. Truth. Accepting who I am and moving forward to become that man OUTSIDE as much as I was INSIDE. Acceptance from my boyfriend, and knowing that he’ll be by my side even if I think he’d be best with a real girl. Someone who like to dress up and look pretty. Acceptance from myself, that I don’t HAVE to be Kristy. I don’t HAVE to put on make up. I don’t HAVE to put on that blouse, or that pretty skirt, and damn it I don’t HAVE to shave my damn legs every night and make my hair perfect and torment myself with the constant images of what I knew people WANTED ME to look like. I threw aside my faded photograph of the girl my mother raised, and instead started to draw my own picture. Of me. Of Warren. Point is…be you. I know that sounds corny but it’s true. BE TRUE TO YOU. A quote from Aslan from Chronicles of Narnia was “You doubt your values…don’t. Don’t run from who you are.” No matter how far I ran or how much makeup I bought or what my dresses looked like, I was running away from my true self. The person I knew I was deep down inside, no matter what people said. So what, you don’t want to wear that blouse? Then don’t! You want to put on jeans? Damn it, rock those denims! You don’t like bras? Guess what, no one does! Ditch it! Sure, you might have to exchange it for a binder or so but hell, I wake up every morning and put it on and don’t feel HALF as miserable as I did looking at those damn “boulder holders”. You don’t like heels? Great, they’re uncomfortable anyway! You don’t like makeup? FINE! You’re gorgeous or handsome how you are! You want to try boxers? GOOD ON YA! You’ll love it, theyre comfortable as hell! Cut that hair! Dirty those hands! Get under the hood of that car, no one can tell you that you cant! Damn it, same goes for you girls! You like pink? SO WHAT!? I LIKE BLUE! And red, really. You want to wear a skirt? Well damn it, shave those legs and rock those pastels! You like heels? Good on ya, because I cant stand them! Someone’s gotta do it! Lacey pink panties? Hell yea, that shit is adorable! Makeup makes you feel good? PERFECT!!! That’s….perfect…. It makes you feel good…it makes you happy…it makes you…YOU.. Don’t bow down to society. You like dolls, you like cars…who cares? True they whisper. True they talk. But it’s worth it. Every word, every lie, every muttering word they spit. It’s worth it. It might not feel like it right now, or tomorrow, or a week from now. But one day you’ll look back and realize it was worth it. I hated myself back a year ago. I hated going out. I dreaded getting dressed in the morning, and I wanted to burn my wardrobe. I hated my hair, I hated brushing it, hated doing ANYTHING to it. I hated putting on makeup. Now….I love me. It’s not perfect, and there are certainly things I want to change. But I’m comfortable. I cried when I cut off all my hair. I cried because I could finally see what I wanted to see. All those years of standing crouched in the mirror so I could try and imagine myself without breasts. All those years of tucking my hair into a hat to try and picture what I’d look like as a man. Worth it. I wake up, rake a hand through my short hair, pull on my boxers and my jeans. I wrestle into my binders and tuck them into my jeans, button up my favorite green shirt, and drop my hat on slightly sideways before lacing up my steeltoe boots. I stand up, look in the mirror….and I see…ME. Warren. Not someone pretending to be who theyre not, just for the sake of salvation from judgement. We get judged every day, regardless of your gender or orientation. Theyre judging you for the car you drive. The soda you drink. The socks you wear. The food you eat. Why not get judged for something that matters? This matters to me. Being myself. Being happy. And even though I still have a long way to go, I’m comfortable knowing that…. “We’ve come a long way since that day. And we’ll never look back at the faded silhouettes” Kristy is my faded silhouette. She was pretty, she was kind, she was shy, but she was scared. And she was depressed. And she was so…so very confused and frustrated, and wanted to endure no more. She blossomed, she toughened up, she worked on her car and she didn’t give a damn. She became Warren. Warren is cute, almost like he skipped puberty and stayed adorable. Warren is kind, he is shy, and he certainly still gets scared. Warren talks to a therapist, but mostly just to give himself a kick in the ass when he needs it. To make himself stop and think and get a move on. Warren is no longer depressed. Warren is no longer confused, he knows who he is. HE is HIMSELF. And you are too, but only if you let yourself be. You cant blossom if you don’t look at the sunshine. You cant transform if you don’t break out of your cocoon. You cant win a race if you don’t hit the gas. You cant lift that weight if you don’t break a sweat. You cant see the light by hiding in the shadows. Be who you are. I cant say it enough, I really cant. You may be transgendered, but you’re also transformed. In more ways than one, you have evolved. Or you’re yet to. If you haven’t yet…don’t fear it. Don’t fight it. Because it’s the most wonderful feeling in the world. Walking into a changing room and being directed to the mens rooms when you once shrank away in the women’s room. Or being shown a pair of heels when someone once forced your sparkling piggies into boots or sneakers. Trying on that skirt for the first time and realizing how wonderful it felt. Putting on that baggy tshirt because damn it, that ****ing blouse drove you crazy! Chosing those bangles and earring to match your outfit. Taking off the jewelry and getting dirty. It’s different for everyone, but I can promise that everyone has the same smile in the end. A real smile. A true smile. One you’d been hiding, or perhaps you never knew you had. Be you. No one else can do it for you. Warren

If so desire, check out my entry at http://www.karenpayneblog.com where the first part is at work (which is duplicated from my prior blog here) and then about current dilation. I truly despise dilation but will never give up :)

Hey Pamela, What fun! I'm envious and I'm sure you all had a wonderful and interesting time. I very much wish I could attend such an event with my wife. Happy Valentine's, Emma

gofundme.com/m32ybc pathetic but I've started to run out of options >.> why do I feel so horrible for trying this?

Here's another perfect example of how the goings-on in the world highly influence conversation. I knew it would only be a matter of time before I opened up more. Yesterday, on the way home from church, my elderly gentleman friend who drives me to and from church happened to mention Bruce Jenner. Keep in mind that the lid on the bean container, metaphorically speaking, of course, has been loose for quite some time. Mentioning the transitioning star tipped over the container and.... You know what happened. I admitted my secret inner issues to the outreach director of my church, no less. He reassured me everything will be all right and God will get me through it. I can only hope he, my friend who drives me, realizes this conversation is far from over. I've held back for so long, trying to disguise this inner woman, and I am seeing how denying something only makes it worse. I am relieved by him telling me that he will pick me up, next Sunday, Lord willing and weather permitting. Still, that's a first step. I can't hold it in forever, and pretending just does not work, anymore. I let him know I've been coming to this website, not giving out the name. He was very calm about this confession. He assured me there's nothing wrong in telling him about this. I feel good he's not going to stop taking me to church over this. I can rest assured he's praying for God's will to be done in this sensitive and personal situation. The last thing I wanted to do was tell any of my Christian friends about this. I thought God would've secretly cured me of this by now, but it's not happening that way. I'm not giving up on His help, but I have to accept there's no magical way out. Jesus is the Father who knows best for me. He created me and he knows why I'm so divided like this.

I texted her last week and said how about we get together? She said, next Sunday and why not come for dinner. When I arrived there was no mistaking that I had transitioned and this was the first they heard of it but she had figured it out from cryptic post I made on Facebook over the past six months. Her husband took it in stride but later confided in my he was very surprised. Her daughter and grand-son were there too who just heard from my daughter. We spent abound two hours chatting in their living room where the topics ranged from my transition to me teaching self-defense to politics. Then we went out to a nice Mexican restaurant, took our time and had a good time then back to their place for tea, chatted another hour or so then I said I needed to leave (needed time for dilating and they are one hour away from my place). Her daughter texted me this morning and said her son who had only met me many years ago told his mom that he was interested in learning self-defense from me and also not once referred to me other than female but did say he could not see anything else. So next Sunday I am heading back up in the afternoon to do some teaching and glad these people are still in my life. PS I actually have more contact with them then my ex-wife does LOL which must say something about me.