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Ok, so I'm a pretty happy girl. I mean, I have a supportive family, some amazing friends, school is going well, etc. I would never let a little negativity bother me...right? Haha! Well it's true most of the time anyway. I have found that the majority of people that I encounter in life as a transgender woman, fall into one of three categories: The first being the "supporters," those that I am closest and who love me, like me, who are like me, are encouraging and who truly seem to get what it means to be trans. Second are the "accepting." The accepting may not really understand what being transgender means, but are open minded and have respect for us, based on who we are as people and are open to learning. Third are the "tolerant." These people may not like me, respect me and may even think that the way I live my life is wrong. Their position can be based on a lot of different things. The important thing about the tolerant is that even if they don't agree with the way that someone lives their life, they don't feel the need to judge, discriminate, bully etc. They might shrug their shoulders, roll their eyes,, but move on and focus on their own lives. These three types comprise, by far, most of the kind of people that I interact with in my everyday life as a daughter, sibling, friend, student, employee, consumer and semi-socialite:), However, there is a fourth sub-group, "the haters." The haters are the subject of today's rambling rant. I am a strong woman. I can mostly deal with the relative few haters. I grew up trans and have faced adversity of some sort almost everyday of my life, so I'm not about to let a relative few make a major impact on my life with their ignorance. I have received too much love and support in my life for that. However, there are times when venting some frustration is good for your soul. Thankfully, most true haters aren't all that brave and usually troll the internet, social sites, comments sections of Youtube...all the while anonymous and feeling free to bully, abuse and attempt to harm others with words. I suppose there is some temporary satisfaction in this for them. Maybe this makes them feel better about their own problems for a short time. Although this happens on all social sites, Facebook, twitter, etc. The following focuses mostly on recent comments and replies I've recently experienced on Youtube. I follow several vlogs on youtube which are made by amazing girls who are exposing their hearts and souls to help others, educate or vent their own bad experiences as transwomen. These are brave, smart, and intelligent women. You find people of the fourth type making horrible comments on every transgender related video on Youtube. Sometimes you find the same user names showing up on many different video comment sections. They justify their misinformed and hurtful comments with outdated gender ideas, religious reasons, poor scientific research or just something they heard from a drinking bro at a frat party. While you can't know the age of those posting these comments, I'm pretty sure that some are no older than 12 years old. Even though I understand that most of these trolls are unreasonable, I make an effort to reason with them. A few of them have actually backed off of the extreme views and seem to be at least thinking a little more. That in itself makes an exchange with them worthwhile. I suspect the motivation of the haters varies. I know that some of them resent those of us that live the way we feel, despite of opposition that we have faced for doing so...that we are happy despite it all. The majority of them are just unhappy people and looking to make others feel bad about themselves. The transgender community is seen as an easy target. Some of the more common comments that have been directed me are: "You are mentally ill." "You are evil and/or the devil." "You have XY chromosomes and will never be a woman." "You are living a lie." "You are a gay man trying to trick men." Here is one of my recent favorites." "You disgust me and I want you to die." Oh, how nice! So, here's how I usually approach these kinds of people and their comments. I start by pointing out obvious errors and contradictions in their reasoning, which is blatantly misinformed, incoherent or just manufactured to suit their agenda. I repeat the fact that transgenders harm no one by being trans, but their bullying, physical and psychological abuse and hate are very harmful and can ruin lives. Then, I always tell these people the same thing. It almost always stops them cold. "I hope that you find peace and happiness in life. If you do, you won't feel the need to harm others or want them to feel bad about themselves." When I was about to come out to my school as trans, my mother told me "kill your critics with kindness, then watch them die with a smile." She then made a point to explain, that what would die is their ignorance, their prejudice (not actually the person.) We never wish harm to others. If you read my poorly written rambling rant, you are a very kind person with a lot of patience and I thank you:)))) Lalala:) KM

Ok. So the light bulb finally "went on" today at the second friday support group. A question was asked what was the event that indicated that you needed to transition. Well for me, that hasn't really happened yet (or maybe it has). But I mentioned a little bit about my history; that this was not put upon me by society, it has always been there since I remember. That initially I repressed it, but the last 15 years or so, I've wrapped my identity up in my career and family. It did not seem like I was repressing anything. When my business failed, when I stopped being so career oriented, that is when I started having a crisis with anxiety. And started going to therapy. So that was my answer. And after I spoke those words I realized how much I have f-cked myself up. When I was 6 years old and started to repress my feelings, that is when it started. I did whatever I could to fit in, act male, etc. Don't get me wrong. If I could have lived as a female, I would have been a tomboy who would have played sports with the boys and would not have played dolls with the girls. (don't get me wrong. I liked playing with the girls and socializing with them. Games, TV, reading, just not dolls). However, I would have been feminine, wearing dresses, long hair, etc. It seems like a dichotomy of existence. But think of a top female athlete who is extremely feminine but grew up learning their sport playing with the guys ... that would have been me. Anyways, I started to realize that I will need to unravel all of this social conditioning that society has put on me AND what I've put on myself. I have to unf-ck myself. If I don't do it correctly, I'll just be acting like a female, like I acted being a male. I don't want to pretend anymore. But the reality is, I don't know really what it is to be female, because I missed out on growing up female and pretending to be male. So, deep down, I knew all of this. What I did not know is that because society put this on me, I need to look back and understand how I got off track. Just quickly reflecting, it was when I was 6 years old. But what I need to understand is what is critical that I missed and how I can overcome that in a way that I can transition to living female and do it in a way that it is not an act. I've already made that mistake already. And quite possibly, I may make it again. In previous posts, I've always said that I thought that I was self-aware person and that this crisis really surprised me. Well, I feel like I'm starting to really figure this out. I just hope and pray that I can use this knowledge going forward. Anyways, any feed back will be appreciated. I hope everyone is doing well. I hope I have not put a lot on you!! Love, -Lisa

For 99% of the days since surgery I have bad mornings. Most of them I wake up way too early. Many of them I feel nausea to some extent and just down right crappy. Usually take a two hour nap within two hours of waking up. I have noticed the past few days that I am starting to feel better. What really makes me feel normal is right after morning dilation and a nice hot shower. Anyways thought others going down this path might be alerted to you too may experience this too.

So recently I moved from the smaller dilator to the medium dilator, first time was painful the whole time but got a little better each time yet was still painful. Tonight I just finished and very happy that there was almost no pain. If things progress as they have been I should be good by say Sunday. Any ways the purpose of this entry is too tell others who will go down this path is that in the beginning it is no picnic but does get better. eek not looking forward to the larger one :(

Dear Lisa, Of course, you have not "put a lot" on me or anyone here. I felt what you wrote is very reasonable and understandable. I feel like I'm also new to this but here's my opinion. "Understanding" our trans-gender (intentional hyphen) is very personal. There is no objective test that I'm aware of. For whatever reason and that may not really matter, we don't feel "right." With the right therapists and support such as here and in groups we can explore ourselves further and figure it out. The unfortunate truth is that at bottom we have to be the ones to make our choices, such as where we are or need to be under the TG umbrella, living full or part time as a Transwoman, transition or not, etc. So, I think it's terrific that you had this epiphany. As hard as I know it can be to wrestle with these emotions and anxieties I am not sure there is another way. Maybe that's the bad news, if you will. The good news is that you have this awareness. You have reached out here and elsewhere. You are exploring yourself. You are courageously figuring out who you are. There is no wrong answer! That is a truth and a beauty that I think we must hold on to. However and wherever you go is perfect. I often wish I'd been born a girl and I still wish that. That said, though, I was not, and for me I'm thinking these days (and I may change!) that that's okay. If I can learn to be and accept myself for who I am, and depend less on what others think of me, maybe I'll be fine just the way I am. I do like pretty things and I know I'm much more emotional and feeling that stereotypical men. But that makes me, me. I'm not sure I made much sense here, but I hope so. Of courselves your journey may be much different than mine. I just wanted to show you that you are not alone. Be well, Lisa, and keep writing. Hugs, Emma

I never had any issues with anesthesia. Was under for about 5 to 6 hours. I've had major surgery before and did take naps on that one too several years ago now that I think about it. Everyday is better than the day before so I am thinking all should be well soon. The important thing here is they say six weeks for a full recovery.

Don't know what got me started (Kevin Gallagher account) but I went into my albums and decimated most of my photos of my former self but could not bring myself to remove them all which where the one's I was teaching self-defense with. Think I will wait on those until I have pictures for my other (Karen Payne account) FB account. I did first save the photos off to my backup drive, you never know if for some strange reason I might want them but by all intense and purpose they are now buried in the past. I think what got me on this path was updating my work ID today.

I truly believe that both of you would greatly benefit from reading the following book. Enter the title into Amazon True Selves: Understanding Transsexualism--For Families, Friends, Coworkers, and Helping Professionals I purchased a copy for work and during a meeting where I announced my transition I said that this book will be on my desk if anyone wanted answers and of course said feel free to chat with me too. Both have happened and from feedback the book helped many come to terms with my transition that were unsure.