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I have been waiting to see if any of my friends would un-friend me after announcing my gender change, instead I actually gained two friends, lost zero. One I understand as we are both heavily into martial arts and have many common friends in martial arts while the other one not sure about but she is a mutual friend from a person I attended high school with on the East Coast. So to date all is well.

In this day and age, and our locale here on the West Coast, I'm not too surprised that you've not lost friends, although I can certainly imagine your wondering how this will turn out. I think this response is also testimony to you: people like you and want to be friends with you because of how much they appreciate you as the "whole person" regardless of your gender.

Well, each year this time I'm faced with the same feelings and emotions, that got amplified after my father passed away. February strikes, everything seems fine, and as the nears the last week emotions run wild, literally and figuratively. Okay, my birthday and I have never seen eye to eye. Yes, I know it's just a day, but somehow it manages to find a way to screw me over. This years isn't so big, but I can't find a place with available space, so romantic weekend away is spoilt. To understand my avoidance with planning or being out on this day should be explained with these 3 examples. 1 and 2 days that were important to me, were destroyed with the most important person not being there for me. My crown birthday and 21st. My dad had the privilege of being at all his childrens except me, not even 1 of them. I was forced to have a 21st and each and every attempt to escape I broke something. So no luck. Then a day with a 3 in 1. No pity required as I found out my will to live was greater than expected. My 16th birthday was filled with fights and me just wanting to cry. Yes, this fighter knows the value of crying. From that it changed into a knife being squeezed against my throat so I would resist the urge to fight as I was robbed and minutes later a firearm being pointed at me to rob me once again. A few hours later, getting stopped by an old man trying to persuade me to get into his car, turning into a fight, changing to a car speeding towards me and knocking me temporarily out. This guy raped me and while busy I came to. He tried to strangle and kill me but the fighter in me took over and the anniversary is here again. Now, I rarely think of it, because I survived and I fought to keep my life. Now pity isn't and will never be wanted. It happened and it's a part of me, I admire for my survival instincts, and hate because it's supposed to be me day. It also made me a better police officer to handle rape victims. And I hate people that fake being raped. Now every year something happens to make it memorable, but for a negative reason. I can only say 2 days were fun. 1 I got my driver's license on my 18th birthday, and I was used as a body chocolate and whip cream platter on my 30th and the beginning felt like rape. Conclusion for me and my birthday is. Stay away, it's just trouble.

I met privately for an hour yesterday with a therapist who has forty years experience working with gender dysphoric clients; she runs the monthly TG Support group I've been attending. She was wonderful, knowledgeable, and so resourceful. I feel very fortunate for being able to meet with her and felt others here might appreciate my sharing some of the details (that I can recall!) of our meeting. I broke up the points into three sections to make it a little more readable. There is no particular order within each section. General Information There is a biological based theory of gender dysphoria that has had some confirmation with animal testing. It goes like this: there are pulses of hormones in the womb that occur in the second trimester (after sexual organs are defined in the first half of pregnancy) whose timing, intensities and/or durations create the fetus's gender identity in its brain. If those signals are distorted for whatever reason gender dysphoria may result. At this time there is no way to measure these pulses or otherwise test the theory on humans. She felt that this theory seems especially applicable to me, as my mother had many psychological issues of her own (in and out of mental hospitals, major psychiatric medications), eventually ending her life by suicide. Additionally, that I adopted her shame as my own through association. Thus my theory that I developed my gender issue because of envy of girls may be more of a result of a biologically-induced gender issue than its cause. And, inasmuch as it's biologically programmed, there's no "undoing" it; it's an integral part of who I am. It’s quite common for men to feel intense shame about these feelings and find themselves unable to ignore them in mid-life as they more fully grasp that their life is unsettled and/or incomplete and they have limited time to address/explore their gender issues. She doesn’t like to use labels and says that the terms “transgender” and “transsexual” may be going out of favor due the baggage that anything “trans” may carry. She prefers to use “gender concern.” Some men find that while they don’t need to or cannot live dressed as a female (at home, work, or both) that they must wear some female clothing underneath their male clothing or otherwise not be able to remain focused on their work. Examples include: panties, bra, stockings, camisole, etc. Or, they may dress at night and then drive around in their car. Men with a gender issue often experience intense erotic feelings with feminine clothing when younger (teenage) that with time tends to decrease. She had told me previously that contrary to earlier belief that the number of cisgender males and cisgender females having gender issues is heavily weighted toward males, she strongly believes that the ratio of males/females who have gender issues is identical. That said, she acknowledged that women (at least in the US) have much greater latitude of socially acceptable dressing and thus may be able to contend with their masculine desires (such as wearing masculine clothing) without attracting undo attention. I pointed out that a source of uncertainty and frustration for me was that it seems that one's “transgender diagnosis” and location under the umbrella is largely self-determined and that all a therapist like her can do is mentor, consult, provide guidance and so forth. She agreed completely; she cannot tell anyone exactly what’s going on for them nor can she predict the future of where they will end up. Given all of the above I think the intensity of my feelings, need to be accepted for who I am, and emotional reactions to feeling rejected (real or imagined) are very understandable. Specific to Me My struggle with verbally explaining or describing my inner feelings is very understandable; she didn’t have suggestions of other words I might use. (I had thought she might have words that she’d heard from other clients.) She confirmed that my description of being more “emotional” and “sensitive” than a more typical male made sense to her. I described that when I dress in the clothing that I have (e.g., a dress, nightgown, leotard, tights, panties, bra) that it “just feels good” (like when my skirt brushes across my legs when walking) and that I simply go about my otherwise normal existence at home, working at my desk, dealing with our pets, etc. She said this is entirely consistent with her experience. I told her that although the outcome of make-up is appealing the thought of applying it, going through all that, is not. She said let’s face it, most women don’t particularly like doing it either, and women have varying styles. For example, she had a transwoman visit from Las Vegas, wearing alluring clothing and high heels that were appropriate for there but quite unusual for Palo Alto. Likewise, a transwoman from Idaho came wearing a plaid shirt, jeans, and work boots – “right off the farm.” Appropriate for Idaho but equally unusual for Palo Alto! I told her that I don’t have dysphoria with my body; I’ve never felt compelled to chop off my penis for example. Here again, she said that physical dysphoria is also largely a myth; surgery is more for alignment with one’s inherent gender than with revulsion of ones cisgender sexual characteristics. I had printed out the “Sex Orientation Scale” that Karen posted on her blog and highlighted the characteristics that feel most in alignment with me. She immediately recognized the chart from Harry Benjamin’s book “The Transsexual Phenomenon” and showed it to me. All of my highlights are in the in Group 1 “Transvestite” and mostly in the Type I and Type II columns. BTW: she feels that many of Benjamin’s observations and so forth are still valid today, except for the language and terminology. Prior to my current therapist I’d partially come out to two others whom I told that I occasionally crossdressed. They both told me that in and of itself it’s no big deal (sorry, that phrase again). This therapist agreed 100%. And in fact, here’s what’s kind of weird: when I dress at home, like just wearing a dress and underwear, it feels “right,” “good,” but not much more than that. I like it. But when I return (as I must) to Levi’s and a T-shirt, that’s no big deal either. Here again, she said that this is what it is: all very common. It feels good to be dressed at least occasionally (and however partially) as a woman for people like me. Hard (impossible?) to explain: it just does. And to reuse a very tired phrase, if it is what it is, and it seems to be, it really it is what it is. It’s perfectly okay. I’m okay, you’re okay. How about that. Regarding My Wife/Marriage I need to recognize and appreciate that my wife has only become more fully aware of this in the past 2-3 months and that is a very short time; I need to be patient and allow her to come to terms with her own and very valid fears and anxieties. Contrary to an assumption my wife had, I don’t pose/prance in front of the mirror when dressed, admiring myself. In fact, I prefer not to see myself at all although it’s not particularly bothersome if I do. Again, quite a common experience. With my engineer’s mentality I tend to perform thorough analysis, prepare reports, and anticipate that the recipients will appreciate my being so forthcoming and transparent. But as I saw with my wife when I enthusiastically gave her a report a couple of months ago, this was simply too much information too fast. Again, a common enough occurrence. Conclusions: Wow. P.S. For those interested, the therapist’s name is: Judy Van Maasdam, and she can be reached at: jvanmaasdam@gmail.com. Her office is in Palo Alto, California. She gave me permission to publish her name and suggested that those interested email her; you/she can follow up later via the phone as needed.

Hi, I've put a tag on this entry "last look back", because my new UK passport arrived earlier this week, it states my name is Eve and there's an F next to gender, it sort of brought it home to me that I am now EVE and I'm a TRANS WOMAN, unlike any other official documents had done. There were implications that I thought through, yes I had already gone through this process before I became Trans, but the same old thoughts came flooding back of 'wow this is for the rest of my life', I am no longer Steve, I can't go back........unless I cross dress !! On the one hand I was very glad that I had completed the name and document change process, but on the other hand I had slight feelings of remorse and trepidation. I have mentioned in earlier blogs that I used to have alternate male and female feelings like the ebbing and flooding of the tide, it was kind of wierd to have both feelings at once, however I must say that the femme feelings were the stronger. The next day I reflected on my feelings and thoughts, and summarised them into a last look back and farewell to Steve........ Anyway onto less morose thoughts and more girly stuff!, I had an appointment at my local nail bar yesterday and had my nails gel coated in a purple colour and my eyebows threaded, I was overjoyed with my nails, which had always looked as if I borrowed them from a comodo dragon........All the lumps and bumps and ridges have gone, and they are super glossy and smooth, just like a models. In the next office there is a complexion aesthetics clinic that does no needle mesotherapy, so I'm going to give that go next week, hopefully it'll take away the saggy bags under my eyes and lessen my hooded eye lids. It's supposed to take a couple of weeks after treatment to show results, of course I'll post the results in my blogs, and maybe a photo. I'm a little concerned about the amount of trans people murdered in the USA, is it written into the US Constitution that you have a right to bear arms and to kill trans people???? We often think in the UK that in some parts of the US the Sheriff's are not always upholders of the law, we get this from US television and films, is it fact or fiction? How many Trans murderers have been caught & convicted, or killed whilst being arrested? Do you have anti-hate legislation in the US as we do in the UK? Sorry for so many questions..............Eve

Smiling and laughing can but not always brighten attitudes and well being. I was one for ignoring this for many years but have in the past few years learned to be a happier person both before and after GRS (Gender Reassignment Surgery) which I think can lead one away from being sad or depressed. I could not believe how much "The Other Woman" movie could make me cheerful and smile. Perhaps that is not your cup of tea, may be instead it's treating yourself to a lovely dinner with cheerful friends/family. One of the worst things we can do is sit around doing nothing, getting into a depressive state so find something to do that will make you happy. Me, I am heading out with several friends to hike for several hours :-) Take care of yourself~~~

Congratulations Eve!!! Sadly, the police will never be there in the majority of cases to interdict in such crimes, they are there in the aftermath to take the report to what happened. It is not just the United States but all of the world. Usually those who act out our in fear of the unknown, it may hit home from how they were brought up to something simple as they admired someone then found out that person was not who they appeared to be gender wise. Every time I hear such tragedies it deeply saddens me and at the same time strengthens my resolve to train people. Yes, this is kind of a point of no return but there truly is a returning point, that is if you have not gone through gender reassignment surgery or have been on hormones for an extended period of time that causes issues down below. For me I had years to prepare with zero regrets and you need to be the same way if planning GRS.

The above advice is sound, and I see that you've already gone for counselling. I'd also add that going to Trans venues can help, not sure where your local ones are but those that I regularly attended in Birmingham UK, helped me a lot, being with a lot of other transgirls sort of normalised my inner feelings, and then allowed me to progress. Best Nursery School ever!

Thank you for the comments, everyone. I probably should have mentioned that I've talked to therapists about my depression and I'm on medication for it. I talked about my gender issues the last time I talked to my therapist, but it's outside her area of expertise and I'm not comfortable trying to find answers while I explain things to someone who doesn't really get it. I think I need to find a therapist who's familiar with this sort of thing, so that's what I'm trying to do now. I should also mention that I've been talking to a trans friend about this and she's helped me a lot, so I don't feel alone.

What you are going through is commonplace for someone who is unsure of their gender identity and are not alone by any means. The first step to validate or invalidate your gender is to seek out professional assistance as option one while support groups are great they are in my opinion option two as it’s a roll of the dice to whom provides information which may or may not be a professional. Our first instinct is to bury thoughts of being in the wrong body for what are brains perceive as the opposite to what we are physically. This may or may not help but in only for a moment in time and as we age the urges become stronger if there is that chemical imbalance that is the root of the feelings. There are five levels of transgender which starts off with sexual fantasy on one end of the spectrum while on the other end, the undeniable drive to transition physically. Between these two are varying levels of the two ends. A professional can guide you to the most appropriate level and possible remedies to satisfy those feelings swirling through your brain. To bury and ignore these feelings in my opinion can lead to an unhealthy and painful existence in most cases while validation is the first step to freedom Any ways writing out your thoughts is a great step forward.

Dear Rae, I agree with Kristi, your confusion, dismay, and worries are all very familiar. I don't mean to minimize but to let you know that you're far from alone. I am glad to have met you here, to read your writings, and hope to read much more from you. I also agree that counseling can be very helpful. That said, it was and is hard at times for me and maybe like you to open up about what's really happening below the surface. Please try to be as open and vulnerable as you can. Therapists are here trying to help us. Some are better than others, and we connect with some better than others too. But until we open our heart we cannot really know. I wish you the very best, Rae, I mean that. Hugs, Emma