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I met privately for an hour yesterday with a therapist who has forty years experience working with gender dysphoric clients; she runs the monthly TG Support group I've been attending. She was wonderful, knowledgeable, and so resourceful. I feel very fortunate for being able to meet with her and felt others here might appreciate my sharing some of the details (that I can recall!) of our meeting. I broke up the points into three sections to make it a little more readable. There is no particular order within each section. General Information There is a biological based theory of gender dysphoria that has had some confirmation with animal testing. It goes like this: there are pulses of hormones in the womb that occur in the second trimester (after sexual organs are defined in the first half of pregnancy) whose timing, intensities and/or durations create the fetus's gender identity in its brain. If those signals are distorted for whatever reason gender dysphoria may result. At this time there is no way to measure these pulses or otherwise test the theory on humans. She felt that this theory seems especially applicable to me, as my mother had many psychological issues of her own (in and out of mental hospitals, major psychiatric medications), eventually ending her life by suicide. Additionally, that I adopted her shame as my own through association. Thus my theory that I developed my gender issue because of envy of girls may be more of a result of a biologically-induced gender issue than its cause. And, inasmuch as it's biologically programmed, there's no "undoing" it; it's an integral part of who I am. It’s quite common for men to feel intense shame about these feelings and find themselves unable to ignore them in mid-life as they more fully grasp that their life is unsettled and/or incomplete and they have limited time to address/explore their gender issues. She doesn’t like to use labels and says that the terms “transgender” and “transsexual” may be going out of favor due the baggage that anything “trans” may carry. She prefers to use “gender concern.” Some men find that while they don’t need to or cannot live dressed as a female (at home, work, or both) that they must wear some female clothing underneath their male clothing or otherwise not be able to remain focused on their work. Examples include: panties, bra, stockings, camisole, etc. Or, they may dress at night and then drive around in their car. Men with a gender issue often experience intense erotic feelings with feminine clothing when younger (teenage) that with time tends to decrease. She had told me previously that contrary to earlier belief that the number of cisgender males and cisgender females having gender issues is heavily weighted toward males, she strongly believes that the ratio of males/females who have gender issues is identical. That said, she acknowledged that women (at least in the US) have much greater latitude of socially acceptable dressing and thus may be able to contend with their masculine desires (such as wearing masculine clothing) without attracting undo attention. I pointed out that a source of uncertainty and frustration for me was that it seems that one's “transgender diagnosis” and location under the umbrella is largely self-determined and that all a therapist like her can do is mentor, consult, provide guidance and so forth. She agreed completely; she cannot tell anyone exactly what’s going on for them nor can she predict the future of where they will end up. Given all of the above I think the intensity of my feelings, need to be accepted for who I am, and emotional reactions to feeling rejected (real or imagined) are very understandable. Specific to Me My struggle with verbally explaining or describing my inner feelings is very understandable; she didn’t have suggestions of other words I might use. (I had thought she might have words that she’d heard from other clients.) She confirmed that my description of being more “emotional” and “sensitive” than a more typical male made sense to her. I described that when I dress in the clothing that I have (e.g., a dress, nightgown, leotard, tights, panties, bra) that it “just feels good” (like when my skirt brushes across my legs when walking) and that I simply go about my otherwise normal existence at home, working at my desk, dealing with our pets, etc. She said this is entirely consistent with her experience. I told her that although the outcome of make-up is appealing the thought of applying it, going through all that, is not. She said let’s face it, most women don’t particularly like doing it either, and women have varying styles. For example, she had a transwoman visit from Las Vegas, wearing alluring clothing and high heels that were appropriate for there but quite unusual for Palo Alto. Likewise, a transwoman from Idaho came wearing a plaid shirt, jeans, and work boots – “right off the farm.” Appropriate for Idaho but equally unusual for Palo Alto! I told her that I don’t have dysphoria with my body; I’ve never felt compelled to chop off my penis for example. Here again, she said that physical dysphoria is also largely a myth; surgery is more for alignment with one’s inherent gender than with revulsion of ones cisgender sexual characteristics. I had printed out the “Sex Orientation Scale” that Karen posted on her blog and highlighted the characteristics that feel most in alignment with me. She immediately recognized the chart from Harry Benjamin’s book “The Transsexual Phenomenon” and showed it to me. All of my highlights are in the in Group 1 “Transvestite” and mostly in the Type I and Type II columns. BTW: she feels that many of Benjamin’s observations and so forth are still valid today, except for the language and terminology. Prior to my current therapist I’d partially come out to two others whom I told that I occasionally crossdressed. They both told me that in and of itself it’s no big deal (sorry, that phrase again). This therapist agreed 100%. And in fact, here’s what’s kind of weird: when I dress at home, like just wearing a dress and underwear, it feels “right,” “good,” but not much more than that. I like it. But when I return (as I must) to Levi’s and a T-shirt, that’s no big deal either. Here again, she said that this is what it is: all very common. It feels good to be dressed at least occasionally (and however partially) as a woman for people like me. Hard (impossible?) to explain: it just does. And to reuse a very tired phrase, if it is what it is, and it seems to be, it really it is what it is. It’s perfectly okay. I’m okay, you’re okay. How about that. Regarding My Wife/Marriage I need to recognize and appreciate that my wife has only become more fully aware of this in the past 2-3 months and that is a very short time; I need to be patient and allow her to come to terms with her own and very valid fears and anxieties. Contrary to an assumption my wife had, I don’t pose/prance in front of the mirror when dressed, admiring myself. In fact, I prefer not to see myself at all although it’s not particularly bothersome if I do. Again, quite a common experience. With my engineer’s mentality I tend to perform thorough analysis, prepare reports, and anticipate that the recipients will appreciate my being so forthcoming and transparent. But as I saw with my wife when I enthusiastically gave her a report a couple of months ago, this was simply too much information too fast. Again, a common enough occurrence. Conclusions: Wow. P.S. For those interested, the therapist’s name is: Judy Van Maasdam, and she can be reached at: jvanmaasdam@gmail.com. Her office is in Palo Alto, California. She gave me permission to publish her name and suggested that those interested email her; you/she can follow up later via the phone as needed.

Lately the trans community has had some wonderful representation in television, movies and the media. These women are strong, successful, talented and articulate. Pretty much everyone knows of Janet Mock, Laverne Cox, Andreja Pejic, etc, or Jazz Jennings...a 14 yr old that was named one of Time Magazine's 25 most influential teens of 2014. These women weren't the first to be successful, but they have increased awareness and put us in the spotlight in a favorable way. Transwomen have been leading successful lives for a long time, but more quietly and in the shadows than now. We are doctors, lawyers, athletes, politicians, soldiers, authors, top students , etc. I think the first words I keyed into a search engine were something like "boys who are really girls." I didn't really know where to start. I was just trying to learn about myself and if there were others that had the same feelings that I did. At first, I discovered a few older girls like the woman from England that had transitioned and found success as a model and even appeared in a movie at one time, but she did it in stealth mode and was later outed. As far as I know, that was pretty much the end of her career as an actress and there didn't seem to be much more information about her. I think she did write a book later though. When I was 13, I came across a Canadian girl who made Youtube videos and called herself Gregory Gorgeous. She seemed to identify as gay then, but was feminine and usually presented herself as a girl, doing a lot of makeup and fashion tutorials. A couple of years ago she came out as trans and is now well into her physical transition as Gigi. About the same time, I found out about Kim Petras, a 16 yr old girl from Germany who became the youngest to have GRS. I was so happy to find these girls I found so much inspiration and through them, I found the courage to come out when I started high school, However, the woman that became my most important roll model is a doctor here in Philadelphia, and who I admire very much, Dr Christine McGinn. I first saw her on Oprah about four years ago and I more or less idolized her from the moment I saw her. She was everything I aspire to be as a woman. Not only is she beautiful, super intelligent, extremely well spoken, but she has devoted her practice to gender reassignment surgery, donates "pro bono" services for the trans-community and has won awards for trans-advocacy and awareness. These are just a few of the many trans-people that helped me feel "not so alone" when I was growing up. Now, there are so many amazing women in the media, the internet and...everywhere:) I'd like to hear from some of you girls, about who helped or inspire you to be who you are. Was there anyone that you admired or inspired you, or just helped you feel like you weren't the only one that felt different from everyone else on the planet? Dr Christine McGinn

I had one friend on Myspace whom inspired me in how she lived her life on her terms, other than that I never really followed any of the known people who are trans. I do applaud those out there publicly that are trans.

She sounds amazing Emma. It sounds like you found a good therapist. Good luck:)

Hi Karen, As I wrote in today's blog post I showed the chart to the therapist with my areas of congruence highlighted. She immediately recognized it as coming from Harry Benjamin's classic "The Transsexual Phenomenon." I had already provided her with fairly detailed email descriptions of me and what I'm going through as well as having attending her support group twice, so she already has a good idea of where I'm coming from. That said, I felt that the highlighted chart provides a helpful communications "yardstick" and confirmed what I'd told her. So it was all good, thank you. Emma

Smiling and laughing can but not always brighten attitudes and well being. I was one for ignoring this for many years but have in the past few years learned to be a happier person both before and after GRS (Gender Reassignment Surgery) which I think can lead one away from being sad or depressed. I could not believe how much "The Other Woman" movie could make me cheerful and smile. Perhaps that is not your cup of tea, may be instead it's treating yourself to a lovely dinner with cheerful friends/family. One of the worst things we can do is sit around doing nothing, getting into a depressive state so find something to do that will make you happy. Me, I am heading out with several friends to hike for several hours :-) Take care of yourself~~~

Congratulations Eve!!! Sadly, the police will never be there in the majority of cases to interdict in such crimes, they are there in the aftermath to take the report to what happened. It is not just the United States but all of the world. Usually those who act out our in fear of the unknown, it may hit home from how they were brought up to something simple as they admired someone then found out that person was not who they appeared to be gender wise. Every time I hear such tragedies it deeply saddens me and at the same time strengthens my resolve to train people. Yes, this is kind of a point of no return but there truly is a returning point, that is if you have not gone through gender reassignment surgery or have been on hormones for an extended period of time that causes issues down below. For me I had years to prepare with zero regrets and you need to be the same way if planning GRS.

Hello Eve, Congratulations on your new passport! If I was you I would want to use it right away. That would be so much fun to see that the border guard would just glance at it the way they do, and wave you through. Yes, you're most definitely a Transwoman now although you were one before of course. Yes, we do have violence here in the US against all sorts of people. I don't know if it is more or less than in the UK but my intuition says it's about the same. One thing I'm rather sure of is that the "news" reports are typically negative. At least here, it seems like most news stories are about problems, complaints, crime. Otherwise it's not so interesting. And I suspect that the particularly heinous stories are the ones that make it into the press over in Europe and elsewhere. Of course we do have laws against hate crimes such as battering someone because they are gay, trans, black, etc. and those crimes are prosecuted. We all agree that the violence toward trans people is especially scary. Clearly for some people seeing a trans person raises some weird emotion in them. You also read about problems with sheriffs. Sure, some are jerks, corrupt, or worse. But 99.9% are excellent and here again we mostly hear about the bad ones. And generally as their badness becomes public they lose their jobs and sometimes have to go to jail themselves. Hope this helps! Emma

This week has been interesting....that for sure... Well work has improved in terms of being called Warren or Ren (I gave everyone the option to use whichever they prefer, and I have noticed that certain people prefer to use Warren whilest others prefer Ren, and one even likes to call me Renren). There are two in particular who refuse to call me anything aside from Kristy, but theyve gotten the cold shoulder from many who support me because they know it's only out of spite. So, in terms of work, it has been great. Still slightly challenging here and there, but much better. I dont mind coming into work anymore because I know that I can finally be myself. Mike H, the man who took the first steps with the company to make sure I didnt have to hide who I am and got me my name tag, has also made a point to make sure anything with my name on it says Warren. He also makes a point to correct someone if they call me Kristy, and he's been great. To show him how much of a big deal it is to me, even if others dont think it is, I got him a 10$ gift card to our local pub/grill so he can share an appitizer or drink with his wife on me We've become good friends. It's nice to have that boost of support. Support... You know, normally people overlook such a strong word. It's just a simple word, right? Support? Well...if you're in the process of something life changing, emotionally tasking and physically exhausting...a little 'support' means the world and beyond. To have someone who's got your back. To pick you up when you're down, and brush you off so they can tell you 'it's cool, buddy. We're in this together" My boyfriend, Justin by the way, has been extra awesome. He's improved drastically in terms of understanding and patience, and he's always there to help me or give me advice. Even if he's not sure about the situation, he's always there to help me out. I met a friend on my game IMVU online, and her name is Destinee. We've been friends for almost a year now, though neither of us expected to still be chitchatting after a week. Thats how most online friendships go. You're the best of friends for about a week or a month and then all of a sudden, you're looking at the username and thinking "who the hell is this person?" But she's been incredible. She's helped me with the cutting and the depression and everything and anything I had on my mind. We've adopted eachother as siblings. She is my sister, and I am her brother. She loves me for me, and I return the favor. Plus her family thinks I'm adorable and promise snuggles when I eventually visit her in California. It's nice to have that. Support. Love, encouragement....and support. Families are supposed to support eachother. I've...never really had that. Even as a child. Growing up, I always felt like I had to fight for attention. I'm one of five siblings, though at the time there were only four of us. My baby brother came much later in life. But as it went, it was my older sister Manda, then me, then my brother Eric, and my baby sister Becky. My relationship with my mom was always so/so. We didnt always get along, but we didnt hate eachother. My dad....was my hero. Everything about him, I loved. But I was always second best. Manda was his first, his horse back riding girly girl. They enjoyed horseback riding, which I never really got to be a part of unless it was behind my sister...basking in her shadow. Then my brother, my dad's only son. They enjoyed hunting and playing rough. I never got to because it 'was boy time'. Something I desperatly wanted. Then of course, my baby sister. His baby, his little girl. They played, they laughed, and they enjoyed running around and being adorable. Then...there's me. In between genders, not sure of myself...the boundaries I had been given seemed wrong and unfitting to myself. 'Girls dont do that' seemed incredibly wrong to me. I didnt feel like a girl. Did having girl parts make me a girl? Was that the only astounding feature that could condemn me to a life of dresses and bows in my hair? I didnt want that. How could I not be given the choice? Any attempts to explain this to my mother was passed off as 'being a tomboy'. When my father passed away suddenly, I gave up trying to leave my dresses behind. I just wanted to make my mother happy. Years passed, and the attention spans never changed. Manda came first a lot of times, despite what she may claim. First to leave the house, first to have her boyfriend, first to get a car and wreck it in the same year....four times in a row. All paid for by my mother. Any vehicles I wanted I had to help pay half for, and she drove them more than I got to. Thanks... I was too busy playing 'mr. mom' to have friends. We moved 12 times in 10 years, so I didnt get to make friends anyway. It was just me and my laptop, which they claimed I was on too much anyway. What other life did I have? Behind a screen was the only time I could be...me. The attention soon left us all and went to my baby brother Jordan, or one of my mom's 'awesome' boyfriends that she frequently changed about twice a month, if not more. I gave up keeping count. The point I'm trying to make here, is support. I had none. If I wanted to do something, it was up to me. If I wanted to try something new, it was my own problem. If I tried to explain to my family why my 'weird phase' was me trying to figure out who I was...I was just being an attention whore. Keeping my "lesbian" activity secret was me just being an attention whore, despite that it was kept secret in fear of my family's opinions. Me coming out that I were Bisexual was just me just "doing it for attention". My cutting problem was me "begging for attention." Finally telling them that I dont want to be a girl and would like to identify as a male......I'm "an attention whore". Support is a strange and unused word with my family. I didnt always think so. At one point I were sure that they supported me and understood my struggles. That they were alright with it. Until I found out they were snickering behind my back. Laughing about my troubles. Refusing to cooperate or call me warren, or male, or even CONSIDER the possibility of allowing the small children of the family to call me Uncle Warren instead of Aunt Kristy. I snapped. I wrote them a note over facebook privately. I'd like to share their 'support'. Me:Hey nevermind the 17th,(i was planning to visit them) I already know how it's gonna go and I don't need another repeat of the last time I was there. I miss my nieces and Becky and Jordan but my problems seem to be inconvenient to you guys and I don't need to get in another fight about it. I've got enough problems and it's pretty clear by now that you two aren't really willing to work with me on it, as if it isn't hard enough already. I figured you'd understand by now that this isn't a f***ing choice and at least try to understand, but it seems like my family are the only people who aren't willing to be supportive and understanding. If you need me you know where to find me. If you can't deal with having another brother then I'm sure you can deal with losing him too. Your choice, I'm not gonna keep ramming my head into a brick wall if you're not gonna listen or at least put your pride away and try and help me. The responses I got, bits and pieces of a back and forth rant. My older sister for both herself and my mother: "Do what ever you want, this has nothing to do with my feeling on ur chose however It does everything to do with the facts and challenges of small kids, if you aren't willing to understand that your changes are confusing to them then I'm sorry but you can't be part of their life's until Ur changes are made and final. They are simply to young to understand and I won't allow them to be more confused about this" "U are so self wrapped right now u don't even see the problem. Grow up, this isn't about u, my kids are my number 1 important and I'll protect them from being confusion this is starting. Has nothing to do with supporting you, drama queen" My family.... So. No nieces. No family visits. I'm no longer welcome home... The only supporting family I have are those at work, Destinee, my boyfriend and everyone on here. My own blood has decided I’m too embarrassing and confusing for them to handle. I’m not allowed to come home. And the cherry topper for this all? Remember the fight I had with my sister to begin with, and my mother decided not to support or defend me? She just sat there and watched it unfold. No offer of support or even to join the conversation. She’s done it again. She never said a word. She let my sister run her mouth, shut me out of their lives…and she never said a word. That’s what kills me. I never mattered in their lives before today, and now I matter even less to them. The kicker is I cant even go and complain to my therapist about this. I ditched her. She weren’t helping me. She weren’t helping me move forward. She knows nothing about transgendered problems, and for lack of better words, she were ‘useless’ to my situation. I were spending 45$ a visit, plus 10$ in gas to get there, to vent about my problems. I can do that for free at my house. I’m beginning to wonder what the point of all this is. A story hit home yesterday, and I cant stop thinking about it. #hisnamewaszander Sincerely Yours, Your Friend, Warren…I think.

Dear Warren, Yes, you're Warren to me but I like RenRen too. You most definitely have my and I'm sure our support here. You can take that to the bank as an old TV show character used to say. Please keep writing, airing your thoughts, and I hope we can help by providing feedback and listening, I mean that. I'll write more later, Emma

Hi, I've put a tag on this entry "last look back", because my new UK passport arrived earlier this week, it states my name is Eve and there's an F next to gender, it sort of brought it home to me that I am now EVE and I'm a TRANS WOMAN, unlike any other official documents had done. There were implications that I thought through, yes I had already gone through this process before I became Trans, but the same old thoughts came flooding back of 'wow this is for the rest of my life', I am no longer Steve, I can't go back........unless I cross dress !! On the one hand I was very glad that I had completed the name and document change process, but on the other hand I had slight feelings of remorse and trepidation. I have mentioned in earlier blogs that I used to have alternate male and female feelings like the ebbing and flooding of the tide, it was kind of wierd to have both feelings at once, however I must say that the femme feelings were the stronger. The next day I reflected on my feelings and thoughts, and summarised them into a last look back and farewell to Steve........ Anyway onto less morose thoughts and more girly stuff!, I had an appointment at my local nail bar yesterday and had my nails gel coated in a purple colour and my eyebows threaded, I was overjoyed with my nails, which had always looked as if I borrowed them from a comodo dragon........All the lumps and bumps and ridges have gone, and they are super glossy and smooth, just like a models. In the next office there is a complexion aesthetics clinic that does no needle mesotherapy, so I'm going to give that go next week, hopefully it'll take away the saggy bags under my eyes and lessen my hooded eye lids. It's supposed to take a couple of weeks after treatment to show results, of course I'll post the results in my blogs, and maybe a photo. I'm a little concerned about the amount of trans people murdered in the USA, is it written into the US Constitution that you have a right to bear arms and to kill trans people???? We often think in the UK that in some parts of the US the Sheriff's are not always upholders of the law, we get this from US television and films, is it fact or fiction? How many Trans murderers have been caught & convicted, or killed whilst being arrested? Do you have anti-hate legislation in the US as we do in the UK? Sorry for so many questions..............Eve

Hi Emma & Karen, Thanks for your comments re trans violence, yes it has happened in the UK, but not in the numbers reported on the internet in the USA. We are a smalll country so we can expect fewer instances, not sure if the percentage of total population who are Trans is any different or not though..... With regard to Karens point of no return comments, I have been on oestrogen for two and a half years now, so my equipment is not functioning as a normal males would! GRS? yes please I want it to complete my transition if not for any other reason. I had made the decision to transition many months ago, however the new passport bought back some slight mixed feelings, it was as if it rubber stamped my decision.............. I hope that this explains my feelings and situation.., Eve

See my blog entry Sex Orientation Scale at http://karenpayneblog.com/ and for some this will be new while others it will be somewhat new.

Oh Eve, thank you. :-) Hugs, Emma

Thanks Emma, After reading your latest blog, I realise that we have had a lot of similar experiences, this also helps me to get on with my life. Peck on the cheek! Eve.

Hi Eve, Good to hear your update, writing articles, out and about with your wife (and more Schrodinger's Passes!), and thank you for posting the links to the video and the TG process in the UK. In my opinion the "bad language" is quite minimal and the overall document has a lot of value. It always helps me to hear about other's experiences and to recognize that we're part of a community of wonderful people. Hugs, Emma

Hey Warren , thanks for opening up like this. I believe you and in you . Integrity is a virtue one presents , in your case a boy to a young man.

For all of ya's who wish you could hit the "Like This" button more than once... clik 'til yer heart's content if for no other reason than to just feel good.... :D

Being yourself and happy being yourself is healthy for the soul. Good to hear things are brightening up.

If it was possible to exchange parts, I'd give you mine and I could have the ones you don't want anymore. You're braver than I am, brother. In the real world, I must keep my Jennifer to myself and be the man the world expects me to be and it's all because of a certain set of parts--the center of guilty pleasure and strange discomfort. That is why I'm so glad I found this website and I am able to hold teleconferences where I can put my masculinity on the shelf and be the lady I could never otherwise be, heck with my physical makeup and the undeniable male voice. There's just something weirdly wonderful about being addressed by a female name. Had I been biologically female, I would have actually been named Jennifer, but the closest I dare use that name is on a musical instrument. I gave that name to my autoharp, like B.B. King called his guitar Lucille. Anyway, I'm glad there are online places where I can ditch the maleness for a while.