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The last couple of months have been very difficult as I've further embarked on my transgender journey and suffered along with my wife who has been very upset by my revelations. I'm happy to say that for the last week or so things have been so much better. What do I attribute this to? They say "A happy wife is a happy life," and although I'll bet she'd deny it (hopefully not too emphatically) I can tell that she's feeling a bit better. Not 100% but in the right direction. I believe it's due to: a) Time: as time progresses she sees that I am still the same person that she fell in love with. Yes, with a new wrinkle but it's me nonetheless. I don't know exactly what the gender therapist and she discussed, but I know the therapist pretty well now and I think she provided some much needed expert assurance. It was so helpful to have a couple's therapy session where we were able to talk without the baggage of negative emotions. She asked questions and I did my best to answer, and we were okay with that, and even went out for a glass of wine afterward. There are more questions no doubt but we'll cross those bridges later. I am very fortunate to have the therapist whom I see 1:1 and for couple's meetings. He provides such wisdom and support, objectively and kindly. Thank goodness for him. I'm also very fortunate to have found the gender therapist, having met with her privately and in her group. I think I'm starting to "get it" and it's okay. And last but not least, it's TG Guide and the community I'm proud to be a part of. I know that we will still hit rough spots and that there will be challenges, some that may seem unbearable when reached. I hope that by writing this I'll have something to look back on to remind me of the good times. Hugs, Emma

Quite frankly a birthday has never been at the top of my to do list, unless the list is on how to evade a birthday. Today, Thursday 2015-02-26, I turned 35 years old. This Capetonian trans lady sometimes, grabs the bull by its horns, make that balls. And then there are days that started off like today, I cried and just couldnt understand why. Now most of the times when I go through this day, I cant wait for it to be over. Like today, so a normal day that I hate this day. One, I was born in a body I need to alter surgically to feel whole. I started off a fighter and till today, I'm a fighter. I break down, but hormonally a trans person goes through puberty twice. Like the first one wasnt enough. Lucky for me, even in school and before that I was fighting to be the girl. When I was pushed around or pinned down by the boys, because according to them, that was what boys did to girls, I would fight back and somehow get free. Well males that does that to women should rethink the gentleman theory, because they continually acted like overbearing men if not potential rapist. Okay, these fights were always worse when it were my birthdays. Thanks Daddy for teaching me to punch, shoot and drive from some birthdays. He thought girls should be capable of doing things for themselves. I always thought that a birthday signified another year closer to death. Until I saw my teenage body and young face on a 32 year old body. I still hate my birthday, but this factor was removed. I still hate the happenings as a child and teenager. And to explain what happened would be wrong for now, and this is my rumblings around boys and birthdays.

One of my old co-workers who retired several years ago wanted to hook up so I said how about lunch. We met at a great Mexican restaurant, ate and spent an hour talking. Then we went across the street to the local mall, hit Starbucks then walked around the mall for about five lapse talking about everything under the sun. Finally say down and chatted some more. She confided with me that she wanted to get together before this but felt like I might take it as her hooking up with me. Of course she is very aware that could not happen. It was great chatting with her and we agreed to get together and go shopping in two weeks. Gave each other hugs and went on our way. Earlier in the day I received a call from my workplace who indicated that my new security ID badge was ready. So I went into work, got the new badge, very exciting to see my picture and Karen Payne below it, think I stared at it forever. On the way out asked a question and was directed to another employee who when done talking commended me on my transition and that her son just "came out" to her and that she accepted him for whom whatever he was. We had a discussion that included my analogy of "frog in the water" and several other recommendations. Have to say that was a very good chat. So now it's that time to dilate, later :-)

One of my friends on Facebook posted this quote “The question isn’t who’s going to let me; it’s who is going to stop me.” - Ayn Rand I think many feel that they must wait for permission or wish it will happen but the down right truth is you make it happen. Heck I will admit to falling into this mindset in regards to transitioning but for years was the one "who is going to stop me" when it came to teaching specialty classes in self-defense. So it is possible to be of both mindsets and I am sure there are others of similar mindset. Time to take action, don't consider failure as an option but move head first believing what you are after will happen by your hands and mind.

Hey Warren If a person is toxic in your life, its sometimes better to treat the toxic as an allergy. Like you at work, I do have a few obstacles, but most wont even dare to confront me on be a sweet soft petite girl. I think they scared I'll punch their teeth out. My family will be stubborn and want to titlelize me as male, and then I shoot a look and all is well, they only argued once with me on shoes. I told them, my body, my rules, my life, my choices in life and I'll always be me. Funny enough when its a physical or dangerous problem, they run to the baby (which is me), if its money wise my mom runs to my older brother, oldest was never reliable. I know how toxic some people can be. My father had 11 siblings and all I wrote off as toxic and invisible. So I understand seeing that I was close to one, till I mentioned searching for a doctor and specialist. But you dont sound as cold or cut off from my emotions and people that doesnt mean anything to me. Hope the persons you want back in your life has a break through of understanding. Hugs Michele

They are inspirational and I do understand that sometimes the harder you fight for your right to be precisely who you see inside. We need the persons who are fighting for all persons rights. Some days I'm strong enough and others I just climb into a bed hiding for a few days. But hey thats my time to recover and refocus my energies on all fights coming my way. These powerful trans ladies are giving us motivation to continue.

Good for you, Karen! I'm having a good day, too. Heading over to a friend's this evening for a monthly dinner.

I have been research who to select for doing my breast augmentation in the latter part of this year. I would really like to do this here in Oregon but not sure who to trust as I have heard some not so pleasant stories. For instance one of the woman who cuts my hair told me her left breast was royally messed up and been battling with the surgeon for months now. I am not taking this lightly by any means. Very shortly hope to have my new countdown and be done with this before the end of this year.

One of the worst things about dilation is setting up. Currently I place two pillows in front of a chair, in front of this a pad design to ease the pain of sitting down then two pillows in front of that which I fold in half and place under my calves to position properly. Get out the KY and butter knife plus the dilator. Lastly turn on the timer on my cell phone. Do the dilation, clean up. Takes about 5-10 minutes to setup, 15 minutes to dilate then another five minutes to clean up. All this is when nothing goes wrong. So I just purchased but have not received yet a ramp/wedge designed for making love that in the picture looks perfect for setting me up for dilation. http://www.adameve.com/sexy-extras/sex-furniture-and-props/sp-liberator-ramp-wedge-combo-7401.aspx My guess is setup will be down to say no more than five minutes, positioning is the same everytime and believe more comfortable as the current setup sometimes takes a toll on my back and at times makes dilation simply unpleasant. My main thought is, after GRS you must dilate the rest of your life. If we just move forward to after 12 months it's once a day. For me I much rather keep things simple so the price of the ramp/wedge will pay for itself down the road. Should have it next week and will report back then.