Leaderboard

Hello Haley, You are like many in this world are finding yourself and the more you explore will find that there are many just like you, same story, different phrasings. As I am sure you are learning, this is a hard path that is not made by choice but from the constant feelings in the brain "hey, this is the wrong body dear, do something about it" yet at the same time "easier said than done". This forum has many supportive people here that is like no other forum where many forums never have meaningful discussions that dig deep into your very soul but instead discuss "what are you wearing today" or "I love the feel of this or that". That solves nothing but here get comfy, read current post and blogs and then ask questions, lots of questions. Also, check out the calendar, each Saturday a handful of members here discuss common worthwhile topics and is just another facet of this site which adds to the worthiness to learning about real world "stuff" in regards to trans* (stands for the many types of gender issues in regards to transgender). Anyways welcome aboard!!!

Many times in my past life it was difficult or nearly impossible to find common ground to convey concepts and feelings to others without a conundrum in and of itself. Things change but the world in all its vastness stays small and elusive to these matters. This is where those who are members here can find common ground and try or do make sense of the issues, emotions and trials we endure. We touch each other sometime out in the open while other times silently and deep. In my own way try and invoke thought but also stay out of the dark waters yet elude to the fact caution is needed in somethings. And with that said I feel that there are some who believe their journey can be achieved through hopes and magic but you and I know that is not the case. We need to go to the deepest parts of our desires and rattle that cage and ask deep questions for without doing so we invite doom into the picture and that leads to very bad places where no one should have to go for leaving on one’s own accord may never happen outside of depression or worst. What do I mean by dark waters? It’s a bunch of little things that when combined together turns from being a ripple to a tidal wave. There are consequences for one who cross dresses or changing one’s gender that if one does not do the research may be in for the tidal wave. A consequences we all think about is “what happens if someone caught me dressed in the opposite gender” or you changed gender in mid-life and now for lack of a better phrase “a teenager again” learning things that might take years for someone to learn growing up and now one thought before the gender change it would be easy yet I know some who did not prepare beforehand. I was lucky to had done research and had gender coaches who helped me before going under the knife. Hopefully those who read this will take something out of these ramblings to heart and take time to flush out everything else in your head and focus on the matter of gender. Ask yourself “Who am I”, “Is my current path logical and sound”, “how will the decisions I make today affect me ten years down the road” or “how will indecision affect me ten years down the road”. Then take that ten years and change it to “the rest of my natural life”. Be honest with yourself. More times than I can count I spent time with myself and ask many questions over and over again until a solution was at hand and even laying on the table in the operating room I had no reservations because all my known issues had answers. Now with that said I would be lying to you saying I knew it all, nobody does so there are still some dark spots that have appeared to me but took time to overcome them. One last thing on dark waters. I grandchild ask his grandfather, what did you do in the war? Grand dad give the child a story that the child can understand and does not go into gory details or even that he soiled his pants (commonly known to soldiers as a battle crap) before going into battle. That is where I am coming from with gender reassignment surgery, myself or others generally do not go into all the details but there are some teenagers out there on youtube that will openly tell viewers that "if I had known" this would happen afterwards I would had thought twice about GRS. So do the chat with yourself and get your ducks lined up before moving forward.

I clearly don't need to go, but I somehow have decided that 35 might be the year things slow down for me. I eat half of what I used to, sometimes anything from 25% and up and I'm filled. Lets rather say, I also started a relationship which I need to end on one or two levels. Therefore I will either just say Gym, which means sex, and Go or Going to the Gym, which has the meaning of the words to exercise. GYM What I like about it is, I've finally started enjoying it, so my hiatus from August 2012 till just after my birthday was good, as I couldn't find the enjoyment in it. Not that I felt like a victim everytime, no I didn't, I'm a survivor. I was just dead, interactive like a zombie, but physically or mentally involved never. Yes, I think I should cancel the one, not only because he is trying to make me dependant on him, and I also know some of his unhealthy and detrimental activities. So cancelled is his rights. Worst part of this is, I'm allowing myself to be promiscuous with him and I don't know me like this. Now going to the Gym... This is actually why I started this blog. I hate running, but the thing that I start of with is doing a 2.4km (1.5miles) run. I'm South African and we work on km's. This doesn't want to drop to below 15 minutes, which is making me feel inadequate as a cop. But what I can say is, at 25 it took me 3 months to drop from 20 minutes to where I started off now. Just my endurance isn't what it was back then. I was fearing that exercise would counteract what my hormones were doing for my already small breast, 32A. But the counteractive thing is my heavy bulletproof. So I hate going to the gym. Right, but the positives are, my ass is staying perky, my arms and legs are firm, my breast and ass actually love the attention. I don't do more than 45 minutes, I only go to the gym for 30-45 minutes. Anything more is ridiculous. I hate that people look at me in a trouser and tells me, I'm weak and skinny. And that girls should stay out of dangerous affairs and zones. This misogynist I just cant deal with. To be clear this is my current stats: Bust / Under Bust: 85/75cm (33&1/2 / 29&1/2inches) Middle: 65cm (25&1/2inches) Hips: 93cm (36&1/2inches) Height: 174cm (5foot8&1/4inches) Weight: 60kg's (132.3Lbs). Want to stay below 140Lbs as I'm already on the heavy side for modelling too. I work to maintain my body and only allow my hips (ass) and breast to grow, as that is what HRT is doing for me. I hate that the nicest and best bodied gym instructor is leaving. But I've got a few that is staying behind, to keep me motivated. So I'm working for me and nobody else. No man is the motivation behind me or this exercise. I am, as I want to take up part time modelling and continue as being in the police services which I also love.

When my dysphoria started becoming too much to handle on my own, I confided in a trans friend. She's been extremely supportive over the last few weeks and I honestly don't think I could have even started to make peace with my feelings without her support. I'm starting to buy some clothes that I can wear when I'm alone. One of the biggest things holding me back is trying to change my thinking from "I want to be a woman" to "I am a woman." When I'm in girl mode, it's easier to make that distinction. I've talked to my friend about that and she said she had a similar experience. She asked if I wanted her to change pronouns for me. I didn't at first, but I eventually became comfortable enough. I even started changing to girl mode at her place. When I was able to look at myself in the mirror and feel like I was looking at a woman, I was excited and wanted to show her. Somehow the topic of dating came up. I've actually had a bit of a crush on her for a while now, since before we started talking about these things. It turns out she felt the same way. We've been dating for about a week now and I'm the happiest I've been in a long time. When we're alone, she refers to me as her girlfriend and uses my chosen name. She cleared all of that with me because she knows I find it difficult to think of myself as a woman, but it's not as difficult when I'm with her. She respects my boundaries and she doesn't push any issues that I'm uncomfortable with. I'm in a little bit of disbelief over all of this. I was so stressed and miserable for so long, and now I'm in a relationship with an incredible woman, I'm actually happy most of the time now, and I can see she's happy too. I don't usually like writing about my life if I'm not ending on a question or observation, but right now, I'm giving myself permission to gush a little. I'm a secret lesbian. Don't tell anyone.