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On Tuesday, I went to my appointment to obtain hormones to start HRT at Whitman-Walker based on a recommendation from another trans friend. Thankfully, Whitman-Walker is located in Washington DC, not far from one of the offices where I work. WW provides specialized Transgender healthcare and also provide legal services, which is why I am so glad I live here. I dressed at work and went to my appointment as Lisa. It was my first time on the metro (which is a rail system primarily underground) as me and my first time at WW. But I thought that it was important for me to present as myself and I felt like I shouldn't be getting hormones and transitioning if I didn't do that. Also, they carefully screen everyone seeking hormones to make sure that they are a candidate. They require a letter from a therapist as well. Anyways, everything went well. It was a long appointment, about 2 hours. I filled out several forms before the appointment but they had more screening forms for me to fill out as well. The doctor asked me a lot of questions and said that I was a candidate and prescribed labwork that day. My followup were I get my results (and prescription, hopefully) is scheduled April 21, but I am going to see if I can have that moved up to the 16th to be coincident with my therapy appointment. All in all, the appointment went well, everyone was nice. I had laser on April 2, which went well. I have a followup appointment for electrolysis to address my gray hairs. She is also going to do a "touch up" laser treatment on the hairs that did not release. That appointment is on the 23rd. I am happy to get started. My future is uncertain. But at least I am on a path forward. I still have a lot of anxiety and my blood pressure is elevated, much higher than normal. I lost the ability to cope with this and it's been 3 weeks of feeling like this. I am going to talk to the doctor about some sort of anti-anxiety medication because it is starting to impact not just my well being but also my health. I have been getting a lot of support from several others asking if I wanted someone to come with me to my appointment, etc. It has been nice to know that there are others out there thinking about me. Everyone's support has been wonderful. I hope to pay it forward in the future. Needless to say, with my inability to cope with being a transwoman living a male life, I feel very vulnerable like I am walking on a tightrope with out a net. It feels daunting thinking about what I faced in the past and what I face looking forward. I often feel overwhelmed by anxiety. I hope, at least, I can find a medication to keep this at bay until I can cope again and / or transition. I hope that everyone has had a good week and thank you everyone for your support. Love, Lisa

Silly it seems. Especially since visiting this site and reading everyone's wonderful stories, that I would ever feel lonely or alone. I have such a huge support network around me of friends, girlfriends, family and co-workers and yet lately I have begun to feel that isolation again. It's pretty easy to stave off these days. Between lunches and shopping and coffee with girlfriends or dancing whenever I get the chance or just being randomly oggled or hit on in the streets - gender dysphoria no longer has its claws in me. Still, 23 months in and I didn't have another transgender person to call a friend outside the world wide web. I was starting to beat myself up pretty bad about that. I had heard mixed things about support groups and I was even beginning to think that, if I had made it this far without one support groups were probably not for me. But I was wrong, so very, very wrong x) My psychologist recently started doing her own support groups with her own clients. I told her I would attend the first meeting and then... well... at the last moment I got socially anxious and I... didn't. But when the chance rolled around again this time (the first Sunday of every month) I was determined to go. Like jumping into the deep end I just held my breath from my fears and I did it. I went. Oh my God. I'm not alone. Not only did everyone share similar stories of their journeys but for the first time I felt like my input was valuable! I had no problem speaking up and adding my two cents. Something that usually doesn't happen unless I have incredibly deep knowledge in a subject (like at work). Although, I guess - this being my life - I do have a pretty deep knowledge with it. I was still terrified at first, something I tried over the course of the few hours to overcome, and I think I did so successfully. By the end of the session I had been invited for drinks and had been chatted up by many of the others. But something was different throughout the experience... unlike any other social interaction I usually have in groups or with new people this never once felt threatening. Even getting over my fears felt worthwhile instead of potentially dangerous. That is a feeling that I want to carry on with me from now on The most incredible part of the whole experience was probably the thing that I feared the most actually coming true. I was always afraid that I would run into someone from my past who knew me before... and I did. Yet, it was nothing as I had expected. At 23 months of HRT I was the most "experienced" (using that loosely) of the folk there. Most everyone else was just starting hormones or were just starting to experience changes. I was the only one (so far!) to be fully out and living life this way without compromise. I can't wait to watch all of them change :3 With the person that I ran into... she was just starting... and going through what I remember to be the hardest phases of coming to grips with the whole experience. As she went to leave I had to pause a good conversation I was having with one of the women to go and say hello, thinking maybe she hadn't recognized me. She simply grabbed me in one of the most loving hugs I have had in my life and told me, "oh my God... This all makes so much sense, I had no idea...". We held in that embrace for what felt like forever and it felt so, so right. We went out for dinner following the meeting (I later brought her to my dance class. I'm so proud of her!) and she gave me her whole story. I felt so strongly connected to her that at points I cried during her story. Somehow... I think I always knew that we were connected on a deep level... even before either of us could have ever seen this day coming. That was last weekend. Since then I have had a few of the folks over to my place to play games and watch movies and today I met up with another wonderful person to take a spontaneous dance class in a discipline that neither of us had even heard of before x) Tomorrow we are going for a run around the seawall (although... I'll have my roller blades on) and then later I will meet up with my old friend to go and have a new experience yet again. It's been like a whirlwind, and all because I finally conquered my fear of others like me. I'm sure this won't be the end of all my troubles but right at this second I feel like I am floating in the clouds. I have never felt so accepted, conversation has never come so easy and no challenge seems to big. I am sure that my cisgender girlfriends accept me just as much (in fact, I know they do) but y'know... they've had a different experience out of life and this is just a whole new kind of friendship. Now is just the trouble to make sure I don't throw my whole life away in exchange for these new experiences xD Focus Mikah. Priorities! Balance! I feel so blessed to be living here in Vancouver where this is... well, a lot easier than it could be in a lot of places. I also feel incredibly strong for making it this far on my own and so relieved that now I don't have to carry the weight on my own. Finally! I'll conclude with just a picture of me after getting made over by some of my wonderful cisgender girlfriends while shooting a promo video for them. A snapshot - me at 23 months :)

What a wonderful story. Thanks so much for sharing it with us. And your photo! Wow, you're beautiful! Good for you. Like Christie said I hope we hear a lot more from you. Hugs, Emma

That's wonderful! Finding a good support group is a great thing, and to connect with someone from your past through it must be especially nice. So much of this can feel (and I say this as a "newbie," but I'm already getting the impression) like you're leaving so much behind, that to actually connect with someone from the past through it has to feel a little stabilizing (maybe a different adjective?). Like you I have a number of friends who know what I'm starting here, but none are transgender and I think that would be a great presence in my life right now. Best of luck! I look forward to hearing more about your journey :-) xoxo Christie

Unfortunately, the anxiety for me is high each time I leave the house. It feels like I am in crisis mode all of the time until my body gives up at the end of the day. This is a precarious time for me. This is something I need to address immediately.

That was amazing. I would have to say, lately some amazing things have been happening to me as well. People have been going out of their way to be nice and helpful, or just to talk with me. It really has been great.

Create your own blog at TGGuide.com. It's FREE and you can start right now. Some people blog as a sort of journal to share our thoughts, feelings, experiences and insights. Others blog to express opinions on social and political issues. Others blog to share their knowledge and experience with others. Go ahead. Express yourself! Others may be grappling with issues you blog about and your words could provide useful insight or answers. Here are some blog topic ideas to get your creative juices flowing; A daily journal about your life and experiences A journal documenting when you go full time A journal to document your gender reassignment surgery Dating experiences and tips Crossdressing tips Experience with makeup Passing in public Your experiences when you go out in public Restroom experiences Transitioning at work Dealing with counselors or medical personnel Introspection about your particular gender identity Dealing with or overcoming self-limiting beliefs Dealing with addictions Dealing with self-destructive behaviors Interactions with police or government workers Changing your drivers license, birth certificate, etc. Applying for jobs Your big day, when you go full time Hormonal development (please don't discuss dosages or make medical type recommendations) Experiences with electrolysis How other members of your new gender react to you, and your experiences Your recommendations to others about to follow your path Your thoughts about whether surgery is necessary to be your desired gender Differences in how you feel dressed or not dressed What your life would be like if you still repressed your inner identity Poetry or prose These are a few ideas to get you started. Feel free to leave comments to suggest your own ideas, or just start a blog and share with everyone. Just log into your control panel to start your own blog. This could be interesting!

Hi all, I heard about this book in several blogs and/or forums last week as I was catching up, and I immediately purchased it. I've gotten about a quarter of the way through it (I picked up the pace considerably when I decided to read it during my commute, which is when I do most of my reading). I just finished the section on childhood years and it's already had a substantial impact on my thinking. In terms of being transsexual I would probably say that I'm not, but as I read more I become less and less convinced of that. I'd still say probably not, but the book is definitely making me think more. There were just so many examples they discuss of how children respond to being transgender that resonated with me (if it had just been a couple it might have been coincidence, but it was more). So to anyone and everyone who mentioned the book - thank you! xoxo Christie

Hello all! I just looked back to see when I did my first blog posting, for some reason I thought it was just earlier this week but it was actually early last week. It simultaneously seems shorter and longer than that. Anyway, I'll get to the point of the subject line of this entry - "mountains and valleys." It's a reference to a line from a Debbie Gibson song that I love ("Over the Wall") - "mountains and valleys are better than nothing at all." It might not have been her original thought, but I really do love the song (it also contains the line "What do you think about when every day is over and done?" which I wrote on a note that I keep by my bed so that I see it at the start of each day). This week was a good example of mountains and valleys for me - the valley would be what I wrote about in "A Cloudy Day," and the mountain was obviously the incredibly sweet gesture by a random stranger that I wrote about yesterday. Collectively it drives home the point that this journey will have a lot of mountains, and a lot of valleys, and I'm sure they'll be far more extreme on both ends than anything that's happened so far. I really wanted to write today to thank everyone on this site who has written to me or commented to my blog entries! I'm so happy, and very lucky that I came across this website, it won't cover every need that will come up, but it's such an incredibly great resource to have, especially the connection to all of you! My other big, personal take-away from the past couple of weeks is about my place on the transsexual spectrum. When I first told people that I am transgender (and even before that when I told them about my cross-dressing), some would ask if I was transsexual (they actually asked if I was going to get "the surgery") and at that time I would tell them that I was 99% sure that I wouldn't. Since then my journey has taken me where I didn't necessarily expect I was going to to. As I take each new step and it feels right, and it feels good, I take another step. The bottom line for me (sorry, I know I already used "take-away") is that my answer to their question now will be "possibly," and "I'll need some time to ask questions and explore." I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend! I'm going to try to go as tech-free as possible (I'm getting a little too addicted to my phone). XOXO Christie

Hi Christie, Have a great weekend, unplugged! I also have trouble letting go of my iPhone. My wife kindly reminds me, from time to time... :-) Mountains and valleys is a good metaphor for the journey. Sometimes it feels like a slog, and other times a stroll through a flowery meadow. I also don't know where I'll end up. But regardless, I also very much appreciate friends and compatriots like you. Hugs, Emma

Oh Emma, you definitely need to find and watch Futurama! It's one of the greatest all-time animated series, and (in my opinion) Bender was the best part of it!

Dear Lisa, I can only imagine what you're going through, but it's so great and inspiring that you're carrying through! I've gone on the PATH train (a "subway" that links Jersey City and NYC) as a woman, so I do have some idea of how that is, but obviously in those cases I was just cross-dressing for the evening, it wasn't at all what you were doing, so congrats on taking that big step! Hopefully you'll find that each time you do it the anxiety level drops a little, or that through therapy and medication you can successfully address it. Christie

Dear Lisa, I'm so happy to hear that things are going well for you. It's a long and winding road, with many detours, but you're finding your way. I can certainly understand your anxiety. I think it's only natural that you'd feel that way. A suggestion would be to try to take a deep breath, slow down, and try to focus only on the next hour, maybe the next day. Watch a sunset (or sunrise), have a coffee or tea, and bask in the knowledge that you are making steady and courageous progress. Hugs, Emma

Good morning everyone, I've many times heard the suggestion about doing a random act of kindness for a stranger and this morning I learned from the recipient end what a wonderful suggestion it really is! I was on the PATH train coming in to work (I had amazingly gotten a seat!) and I was reading "True Selves: Understanding Transsexualism." A few minutes in, the woman sitting next to me handed me a note, it read: "I saw title of your book. I think your courage to be who you want to be is amazing!!" I don't think I need to add anything to the story, needless to say my mood just soared. I thanked her (right then and then again as we were getting off the train), but it felt in sufficient. XOXO Christie (as a side note - I haven't experienced this particular opinion on this website at all, but this seems like an appropriate moment to again challenge the notion of New Yorkers being nasty - we're not, and we are even capable of incredible sweetness, even to strangers!)

The book basically confirmed for me that I needed to transition. Those sections that you mentioned were the deciding factor for me. I am glad it helped you as well. Always remember that this is your life and your journey. The decision to start transition, for me, really was and has been a "last option". If you do decide to do anything, think about what you want and need and don't let others pressure you in anything. This is about you and your needs. Not some standard or strict definition of gender.

LOL! I'll try to remember BMSMA (bite my shiny metal ass). That brings up some images that I'd better not share... I'd never even heard of Bender, but just looked him up. Thank goodness for Wikipedia. Looks like a cool robot. Man, I'm so OUT of it! Take care girls! Stay sweet! You all rock like CRAZY, you know? At least for me you do. Thanks so much for all your support and kind wishes. :-)

Interestingly, she has not talked to me further about it although yesterday I reached out to her via email to see if maybe she might need someone to share with. After all, it appeared to me that she was shaken up too, but maybe I was mistaken. This morning I had a one-on-one with my "regular therapist." I told him that I didn't feel that Susan's comment that I should try to get over it, and that Pamela isn't important in my life, isn't especially helpful. Interpreted in the worst way (which I don't believe she intended) it's kind of dismissive. I expect that this will be (or should be) a topic of conversation at our next group meeting, which is unfortunately four weeks from now. Not to talk about Pamela (she won't be back until August) but, I think, to hear about what was going on for Susan, and how we might have better handled the situation. No doubt it will happen again, somewhere, someplace. For me I need to try to remember that something as simple as "I don't appreciate being talked to in that way" is probably a great tool for me to keep handy on my Sam Browne. (Now, we'll see who of you know what I'm referring to!)