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Hey Ladies and Gents and Robotics of the future who are posing as the usual nerds who actually know the key to the universe but are keeping it secret to watch us make fools of ourselves. You know, because they're absolute asses. And face it, we can be rather amusing to watch trip over our own feet sometimes. Come on people, admit it. You laugh when others run into glass doors. We're hilarious. ANYWAY, enough about the stupidity of the human race (which would be solved by removing warning labels, by the way. The universe would sort itself out eventually, to be honest. Removes the morons from the people who actually gained common sense at birth. You know, because that’s what normal people have. Common sense… Though sadly I have a feeling that the general population of today’s youth would perish. Sad, but nessesary. But, once again, I’ve trailed off my train of thought because as some of you know, the rails to my train of thought are as twisted and mangled up as old spegetti you found in your fridge from last Sunday’s dinner. SO, back on topic. Where was I? Oh yeah. Life. Well, life still sorta sucks a little bit. But, what else is new, right? I went to the doctors office for my usual “lets see if you’re still functioning” visit, and I’ll admit, it could have gone better. I unfortunately have fallen back into a full swing of my “self harm” issues, and I dare say they’re a little more consistant and addictive as the last phases of it. So I admitted to my doctor about whats going on, and yes, I had had a few thoughts that I’m not so proud of. I felt it only beneficial to let her know what were going on through an honest standpoint, and that my antidepressants were as effective to me as water is to a heart attack. Naturally, she were concerned, and we discussed weening me off from my Lexapro and onto another medication, Zoloft. We’ll see how that goes, but my hopes are….well, hopeful. Another topic we discussed is my back pain. She had been aware of it for some time, and had previously suggested pain killers such as ibuprofen or Tylenol, which I advised her that was unhelpful, and she was nice enough to not question it. She asked me where it hurt (which is right between my shoulders most days) and as I moved my arm up to point to the area, low and behold, my shoulder popped. Not uncommon for me, it’s been an issue since I were a very young teen. Alarmed, she investigated, and her theory is that the weight that my bra straps had put on my shoulders as a young adult has damaged the way my shoulders matured, which makes them pop a lot. Possible, and completely believable. When I broke down into tears about not being able to afford my top surgery and how bad my back was killing me, she decided that she would do even further investigating and be more aggressive with trying to find a way to turn my top surgery into a medical nessesity. Thank Frogging Gerd. (I was asked by a catholic coworker to try and avoid saying the f-bomb or ‘God’, and I’m up for a challenge. Does that One time of saying God count? Crap, is that two? Damn it.) So in one aspect, I MIGHT be closer to top surgery. No promises, and I’m not fool enough to think that my problems are solved, but I’m not hopeless enough to assume it wont work. I have previous damage to my spine for falling off a cliff, damage to my ribs and previous damage to my shoulders from them popping out of place from lack of cartilage. Getting rid of some of my top-heavy problems will be beneficial not just to my mental state, but certainly from a medical standpoint to my health. I don’t want to be eighty years old and unable to stand upright because of years of back problems. On another note, I received a package today. EmmaSweet, this shoutout is for you, babydoll Love, Love, LOVE the book you sent me! Wonderful pictures, wonderful stories, very inspiring!! For those who are curious, it was the book called “Transfigurations” by Jana Marcus, and it is phenomenal! Thank you a million times over Well, I think that just about wraps up this session of rambling and bologna. Impressed that I spelled that right? Yeah, me too. LATER LADIES AND GENTS, And a special wink to the nerds. Just cuz’ we fam, yo! Warren AKA “RenRen”

Sounds epic, Veronica And thanks! Christie, thanks it was a rather sudden and tragic start to my teen years but we all got through it alright In fact, the other night I had a very comforting dream about him and we talked about the transgender situation. It certainly made me feel much better, even if it was only a dream ^_^

The circle of life, you move away from the name and I move towards it! It was actually my middle name by birth, so it seemed a natural choice (it was my mother's maiden name) that is a great quote - it would make for a big tattoo :)

RenRen, I'm pretty new here and don't really know you, but I read your post and i'm really sorry that your going through such difficulties that seems totally useless to say, but I doubt there's anything I could say that would help much. It is encouraging to see that you have help and are trying things - and that you're able to maintain some humor through it! If the "thoughts you aren't proud of" are what i'm thinking, then I do know a little about that, i'be had them too, a couple of times just in the last few weeks. I do manage to remember when they happen that as long as i'm here I still have a chance to be happy. If i'm wrong about what you meant then disregard what I just said Xoxo Christie

Karen, Best of luck in your other ventures! I've enjoyed reading your posts and have learned a lot from you (and I plan to keep working backwards and reading more). xoxo Christie

Best wishes and happy travels, Karen. It's been a pleasure getting to know you too. Emma

Silly it seems. Especially since visiting this site and reading everyone's wonderful stories, that I would ever feel lonely or alone. I have such a huge support network around me of friends, girlfriends, family and co-workers and yet lately I have begun to feel that isolation again. It's pretty easy to stave off these days. Between lunches and shopping and coffee with girlfriends or dancing whenever I get the chance or just being randomly oggled or hit on in the streets - gender dysphoria no longer has its claws in me. Still, 23 months in and I didn't have another transgender person to call a friend outside the world wide web. I was starting to beat myself up pretty bad about that. I had heard mixed things about support groups and I was even beginning to think that, if I had made it this far without one support groups were probably not for me. But I was wrong, so very, very wrong x) My psychologist recently started doing her own support groups with her own clients. I told her I would attend the first meeting and then... well... at the last moment I got socially anxious and I... didn't. But when the chance rolled around again this time (the first Sunday of every month) I was determined to go. Like jumping into the deep end I just held my breath from my fears and I did it. I went. Oh my God. I'm not alone. Not only did everyone share similar stories of their journeys but for the first time I felt like my input was valuable! I had no problem speaking up and adding my two cents. Something that usually doesn't happen unless I have incredibly deep knowledge in a subject (like at work). Although, I guess - this being my life - I do have a pretty deep knowledge with it. I was still terrified at first, something I tried over the course of the few hours to overcome, and I think I did so successfully. By the end of the session I had been invited for drinks and had been chatted up by many of the others. But something was different throughout the experience... unlike any other social interaction I usually have in groups or with new people this never once felt threatening. Even getting over my fears felt worthwhile instead of potentially dangerous. That is a feeling that I want to carry on with me from now on The most incredible part of the whole experience was probably the thing that I feared the most actually coming true. I was always afraid that I would run into someone from my past who knew me before... and I did. Yet, it was nothing as I had expected. At 23 months of HRT I was the most "experienced" (using that loosely) of the folk there. Most everyone else was just starting hormones or were just starting to experience changes. I was the only one (so far!) to be fully out and living life this way without compromise. I can't wait to watch all of them change :3 With the person that I ran into... she was just starting... and going through what I remember to be the hardest phases of coming to grips with the whole experience. As she went to leave I had to pause a good conversation I was having with one of the women to go and say hello, thinking maybe she hadn't recognized me. She simply grabbed me in one of the most loving hugs I have had in my life and told me, "oh my God... This all makes so much sense, I had no idea...". We held in that embrace for what felt like forever and it felt so, so right. We went out for dinner following the meeting (I later brought her to my dance class. I'm so proud of her!) and she gave me her whole story. I felt so strongly connected to her that at points I cried during her story. Somehow... I think I always knew that we were connected on a deep level... even before either of us could have ever seen this day coming. That was last weekend. Since then I have had a few of the folks over to my place to play games and watch movies and today I met up with another wonderful person to take a spontaneous dance class in a discipline that neither of us had even heard of before x) Tomorrow we are going for a run around the seawall (although... I'll have my roller blades on) and then later I will meet up with my old friend to go and have a new experience yet again. It's been like a whirlwind, and all because I finally conquered my fear of others like me. I'm sure this won't be the end of all my troubles but right at this second I feel like I am floating in the clouds. I have never felt so accepted, conversation has never come so easy and no challenge seems to big. I am sure that my cisgender girlfriends accept me just as much (in fact, I know they do) but y'know... they've had a different experience out of life and this is just a whole new kind of friendship. Now is just the trouble to make sure I don't throw my whole life away in exchange for these new experiences xD Focus Mikah. Priorities! Balance! I feel so blessed to be living here in Vancouver where this is... well, a lot easier than it could be in a lot of places. I also feel incredibly strong for making it this far on my own and so relieved that now I don't have to carry the weight on my own. Finally! I'll conclude with just a picture of me after getting made over by some of my wonderful cisgender girlfriends while shooting a promo video for them. A snapshot - me at 23 months :)

Over the past year I have been sharing my journey which hopefully was of some use but now I am need of concentrating on another aspect of my life with requires a good deal of attention so during the next few weeks will be limiting my time here and will stop visiting here shortly. Hopefully I can make it back here in the future. For those interested I will be keeping up from time to time on my WordPress blog. Lastly, it has been wonderful getting to know people here. Best wishes for those on their journeys!!!

Interesting - one of my wolf tattoos, on my leg, is a wolf drawn around the Cherokee word for wolf (My friend dre it). Sorry to hear about losing your father at such a young age, that has to be really difficult

I have a crow and wolf on my back, with a triqua in the center with "Abaachii k'eh" and "Eire go braugh" (apache way and ireland forever, i believe) and a wolf on my leg with wings that says "mathair m'aingael coimhdeachla" in gaelic. Meaning "my father, my guardian angel" for my father who passed away when I was 12

That sounds like a great idea for a tattoo! I have 4 tattoos already, I want another but i'm waiting until i'm done with laser hair removal. Mine are all wolf themed

Karen, Upgrades. You have my condolences! Best of luck! We'll leave a light on for ya ! Veronica.

My intentions were to get a hawthorne tree over my bicep, with just the end of the quote as wording beneath it. "Never regret anything that makes you smile"

I will not be gone for good but will need time to devote to my work as we are (here we go) transitioning to a different programming language at work. One of my things is to self-train and by visiting here (which I have been doing often) I get off track. I am going to first try only visiting here no more than once or twice a day to see how that goes.

First off, what cracks me up was my birth name was Kristy G. Just a tidbit that I found humorous On another note, you were correct. And I've recently found a quote from Mark Twain that I'd like to one day get tattooed upon my scarred bicep from self harm, that you might also enjoy. "Life is short. Break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably; and NEVER regret anything that makes you SMILE" Mark Twain

Several of the things I am certified to teach require recertification like tactical batons its every three years, firearms every year, hand-to-hand combat and edge weapons every year. The Hand-to-hand and edge weapons lapsed last year because of my transition. I informed the Grand Master about this about six months ago and was very supportive of my transition and said make sure you come to training (which was today). He lives in Florida and does certifications at various locations around the world. In the past when first starting out I would attend a grueling six day instructor course in Florida and also Washington State. For five and a half days we would learn new methods and techniques for teaching students rather than us learning completely new techniques. The last day as just mentioned was grueling in that you had to test in a realistic environment which usually each person taking the test was rather battered up. Even though today was a one day class I expected no less in regards to the test but was told I did not need to take the test as I have proven my abilities and was handed not a one year recertification but a three year certification. When I arrived at the school one of the people who helps runs the school greeted me and told me his name then asked mine. Since nobody else was in listening range I told him I was male until recently and that my name is Karen Payne. The significances is he knew me as Kevin Gallagher. It took him a few seconds of him staring at me and then realized who I was before. We chatted then other students came in so we stopped. At the end of class the instructor said, in your photo on Facebook your eyes look extremely happy and no different in person. He had shown my photo to an assistant instructor in Florida whom I met once back I 2010 and said “she looks great doesn’t she”. Seems she must had as she made a friend request today. During the class I interacted with pretty much all the students at one point on another and nobody acted oddly to me and at the same time had no clue I was once a male. All was not peaches and crème, I realized that when people talked about family I needed to be short on that discussion as I was not going to say something like “my wife and I…”, that would give things away and was not wanting that so during some breaks I kept quite. Overall it was an excellent day working with other instructors who do this for six days a week and kept up with them.

Veronica, he has known me for over ten years and he said many times my eyes were not happy which lead to his complement yesterday. Others have said the same thing before that so it must be true.

Karen, Sounds like a very full day. Glad it went well for you. Something you wrote struck a chord. "At the end of class the instructor said, in your photo on Facebook your eyes look extremely happy" That made me think of the photo you posted recently of you from back in the day. I get what he means about the eyes. Veronica.

Hello all! I just looked back to see when I did my first blog posting, for some reason I thought it was just earlier this week but it was actually early last week. It simultaneously seems shorter and longer than that. Anyway, I'll get to the point of the subject line of this entry - "mountains and valleys." It's a reference to a line from a Debbie Gibson song that I love ("Over the Wall") - "mountains and valleys are better than nothing at all." It might not have been her original thought, but I really do love the song (it also contains the line "What do you think about when every day is over and done?" which I wrote on a note that I keep by my bed so that I see it at the start of each day). This week was a good example of mountains and valleys for me - the valley would be what I wrote about in "A Cloudy Day," and the mountain was obviously the incredibly sweet gesture by a random stranger that I wrote about yesterday. Collectively it drives home the point that this journey will have a lot of mountains, and a lot of valleys, and I'm sure they'll be far more extreme on both ends than anything that's happened so far. I really wanted to write today to thank everyone on this site who has written to me or commented to my blog entries! I'm so happy, and very lucky that I came across this website, it won't cover every need that will come up, but it's such an incredibly great resource to have, especially the connection to all of you! My other big, personal take-away from the past couple of weeks is about my place on the transsexual spectrum. When I first told people that I am transgender (and even before that when I told them about my cross-dressing), some would ask if I was transsexual (they actually asked if I was going to get "the surgery") and at that time I would tell them that I was 99% sure that I wouldn't. Since then my journey has taken me where I didn't necessarily expect I was going to to. As I take each new step and it feels right, and it feels good, I take another step. The bottom line for me (sorry, I know I already used "take-away") is that my answer to their question now will be "possibly," and "I'll need some time to ask questions and explore." I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend! I'm going to try to go as tech-free as possible (I'm getting a little too addicted to my phone). XOXO Christie

Hi Christie, Have a great weekend, unplugged! I also have trouble letting go of my iPhone. My wife kindly reminds me, from time to time... :-) Mountains and valleys is a good metaphor for the journey. Sometimes it feels like a slog, and other times a stroll through a flowery meadow. I also don't know where I'll end up. But regardless, I also very much appreciate friends and compatriots like you. Hugs, Emma

What a wonderful story. Thanks so much for sharing it with us. And your photo! Wow, you're beautiful! Good for you. Like Christie said I hope we hear a lot more from you. Hugs, Emma

Oh Emma, you definitely need to find and watch Futurama! It's one of the greatest all-time animated series, and (in my opinion) Bender was the best part of it!

That's wonderful! Finding a good support group is a great thing, and to connect with someone from your past through it must be especially nice. So much of this can feel (and I say this as a "newbie," but I'm already getting the impression) like you're leaving so much behind, that to actually connect with someone from the past through it has to feel a little stabilizing (maybe a different adjective?). Like you I have a number of friends who know what I'm starting here, but none are transgender and I think that would be a great presence in my life right now. Best of luck! I look forward to hearing more about your journey :-) xoxo Christie

Dear Lisa, I can only imagine what you're going through, but it's so great and inspiring that you're carrying through! I've gone on the PATH train (a "subway" that links Jersey City and NYC) as a woman, so I do have some idea of how that is, but obviously in those cases I was just cross-dressing for the evening, it wasn't at all what you were doing, so congrats on taking that big step! Hopefully you'll find that each time you do it the anxiety level drops a little, or that through therapy and medication you can successfully address it. Christie

Unfortunately, the anxiety for me is high each time I leave the house. It feels like I am in crisis mode all of the time until my body gives up at the end of the day. This is a precarious time for me. This is something I need to address immediately.

Dear Lisa, I'm so happy to hear that things are going well for you. It's a long and winding road, with many detours, but you're finding your way. I can certainly understand your anxiety. I think it's only natural that you'd feel that way. A suggestion would be to try to take a deep breath, slow down, and try to focus only on the next hour, maybe the next day. Watch a sunset (or sunrise), have a coffee or tea, and bask in the knowledge that you are making steady and courageous progress. Hugs, Emma

LOL! I'll try to remember BMSMA (bite my shiny metal ass). That brings up some images that I'd better not share... I'd never even heard of Bender, but just looked him up. Thank goodness for Wikipedia. Looks like a cool robot. Man, I'm so OUT of it! Take care girls! Stay sweet! You all rock like CRAZY, you know? At least for me you do. Thanks so much for all your support and kind wishes. :-)

Bender does indeed rock! Benders always do ;-)

Some of my guy friends are surprised when I tell them that I talk about sex with my mother. I definitely agree that mothers and daughters talk more freely about it. My mother is my best friend too:)))

Reading the replies for one reason or another reminded me of a moment last year after I told my best female friend about transitioning she would not only talk about female parts but openly show them too me and this has nothing to do with her coming on to me. She was the one who took my first vagina picture and after complimenting on it said I don't need to see it again laugh out loud. And you know full well that men generally don't compare their penises, maybe say something like it's this long but don't pull it out while it appears from my experiences females are a little different.

I agree with Emma's comment on labels, they're helpful in communicating with each other and otherwise harmless until people start making broad and incorrect assumptions based on them.